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Heartbrokenwife23

at what point along your healing journey did YOU (WS) feel that you were "deserving" of some leniency from the BS (ex. not having snarky comments around the A thrown around after every conversation, the BS showing you some grace/softness for your consistent/hard work, etc.)?

I know that my WH could literally move mountains and fly to the moon and back and it wouldn’t be enough. I suppose since we are trying to move in the direction of R, at some point I need to be better and not bitter towards my WH.

Hmmm . . . our relationship wasn't exactly like this but something kind of close. There was a point at about five years post infidelity when my husband was dealing (poorly) with some of his own FOO hurts and it was (negatively) affecting our relationship. I would try to talk to him about something I needed help with, and he was angry that I was not happy because he did so much to try to help me be happy - he would feel inadequate when I wasn't happy. I would manage my feelings, de-escalate, all the stuff. But I wanted to talk to someone who would be helpful. I finally told him, you can deal with your stuff so we can have a close relationship, or I will stop coming to you and talk to my girlfriends instead. I prefer being close to you. Please choose. It wasn't a matter of "deserving" a close relationship, it was whether or not he actually wanted a close relationship and was willing to do what HE had to do to get it. Maybe you don't want that with your husband. I think that might be OK? People can be imperfectly married. I think most people are in fact imperfectly married. Maybe you are happy with a lot of the relationship but sometimes you get bitter and need space. Or maybe it will just take a long time. A lot of things take a long time.

Heartbrokenwife23,

In re-reading my answer I can see that I didn't directly respond to you, but embedded in my answer is that I did think I deserved to be listened to sympathetically, I didn't feel entitled to that from him but I let him know I preferred talking to him, and I was (after lots of figuring stuff out) able to meet that need/desire in a healthy and intentional way with him knowing completely what was going on.

How important is it that your BS spouse noticed your changes and said, " I trust that you won’t do blank again."

It’s like my husband wants to feel like I feel somewhat safe with him. That I believe in his growth.

For me, just the fact that he did it means that no amount of growth removes it from the realm of possibilities.

He seems so broken from knowing this. What did you expect when you pulverize a person’s heart and belief?

I think "trust" is a broad category. My infidelity was over 30 years ago. If my husband had remained permanently hypervigilant, suspicious of my every move, requiring verification of where I was and with whom for several years after D-Day, I wouldn't have blamed him, but I also wouldn't have stayed in the marriage. I would have taken responsibility for his broken trust, recognized that it wasn't a healthy dynamic for either one of us, and moved on.

Now, if I do something that can reasonably be construed as suspicious, or he's just in a vulnerable place and wants reassurance, that to me is a natural and permanent consequence of what I did. I can't claim to be incapable of it. Eight years ago, he came to me and asked me to explain why I had deleted WhatsApp from my phone. I had installed it at the request of my child's school; she was on a student exchange trip, and the app was the most effective means of communicating with a large group of parents. When she got home, I left it there until I needed more storage space, and then it was part of a general purge. I wasn't the slightest bit offended that he confronted me. I just felt awful that I had created the concern.

He seems so broken from knowing this. What did you expect when you pulverize a person’s heart and belief?

This is such a reasonable question, How.

For me, during the affair and also other times during our marriage, I wasn't thinking of him. I was only thinking of the attention I was getting from the AP. I was selfish and lacked empathy. I know now, after years of reading and discussing with my BS that I caused him immeasurable pain and that there will always be a question in his mind if I'm holding back information.

My BS believes that I've never truly figured out what my "whys" are. Do you feel that way about your BS?

Not fully. I do believe there was childhood trauma that he buried and can’t remember or something like that. He says his childhood was happy but I have my doubts.