SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Fantastic

While my affair never involved intercourse, I can relate where my head was during the A if that helps.

Getting caught or facing any kind of consequences was never in the forefront of my mind. Certainly I didn’t want to get caught and took steps to make sure it didn’t happen but I had convinced myself it would be no big deal if it happened.

I had lied to myself about my wife and marriage so much that I believed my own lies. She didn’t love me, wouldn’t be that upset etc. I cringe when I think about it now but that’s how delusional I became.

Thank you,ff4152, for taking time to reply.

I have always thought that affairs are such a sign of total selfishness that thinking about their consequences is not part of the package with regards to being caught, however the idea of risking a pregnancy for someone who has been ALL HIS LIFE very cautious in everything he's done, seems to me so crazy and out of order, since it would be a permanent "side effect".

But I strongly believe the point is the total craziness and selfishness that make people go ahead with their choices and ONLY THEN will they deal with the consequences. Total lack of sense of responsibility, total selfishness are probably the answers.

For those whose affair did not extend to sex can you explain how/why it took that path. I have read research showing robust percentages of affairs being self-reported anonymously as not including sex. I suppose people could have lied but why lie on anonymous surgery’s. My husband’s A was reportedly physical but didn’t make it to sex. I would believe him based on the facts and circumstances I know, but then everyone on SI seems so skeptical that it is even possible for the A to not include sex. Any insight would be appreciated.

I do not qualify for your question, but I think I understand the answer for a lot of people.

I didn’t really care about having sex with my AP. Of course people always ask why do it? Mostly because that is what he cared about but also because in my mind we were having this big romantic experience. I think it depends on what you are looking for in an affair. A lot of people have one to get external validation. And while those are two vague words that mean a lot, it boils down to wanting to feel special to someone.

To which a normal person might say well my ws was special to me. Why was that not enough? Ws do not realize they have the power to believe they are special, believe their spouse loves them. Because many do not love themselves they do not believe they are worthy of these things. I thought my husband was better than me, and his efforts in the marriage were based on reasons that were beyond who I am as a person. Like he wanted someone to take care of him and as long as I was doing that then he was good.

It’s ridiculous but these kind of thoughts are deep down and usually unexamined and unchallenged.

Part of why it’s effective with an affair partner is we often believe they can play the role and be believed. A spouse knows us, and our not so flattering pieces. We know we are not fooling them. We play make believe basically as a way of escaping the pain or discomfort we are experiencing.

In other words, many people have an affair for reasons other than sex. Some do have affairs to get sex. But I would have felt what I wanted without the physical aspect. I went along with those parts because I was getting what I needed from the situation. Very desperate.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:41 PM, Thursday, October 10th]

WS only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:03 PM, Friday, October 11th]

WS only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:48 PM, Saturday, October 12th]

Fantastic,
Yes, I agree with you. The questions are lessening, but at the root is the disconnect between the person I thought I knew and the person he proved to be, as well as the person I think I am and the person he proved to be! My questions are now more focused on if it is possible to be a different person (admittedly with a hellof a lot of work) and if it will be worth it for both of us. Time will tell, I guess, but waiting it out on a day to day basis is so hard.

Hiking,

Thank you for your response. I agree with all you have said. The APs adulation was the the thing of value to him. My love for him, such as it was, was insufficient. It was a broken thing even then. I loved him with the loyalty of a devoted wife. But, he had not been kind for several years and he knew it. Having young children triggered every childhood wound he had, emotional abuse at the hands of a cruel narcissistic father. I should have walked well before he cheated. He didn’t believe I could have possibly really loved him as he felt broken inside and unlovable in an unfixable way. It was far better to get the devotion of a secretary being raised up to a bunch of fancy things they both thought had value, cars and the chance for a fancy lifestyle. He knew that stuff didn’t engender love in me. I don’t even know why I bothered to ask the question about sex. It is not because I think it makes his cheating better if he didn’t do that. He has been 100% clear that he very much wanted to and had she been willing would have jumped at the chance.

I guess I just want confirmation that he is telling the truth. Because if he chose to come out and confess about all this nonsense six years after the fact and cause all of this pain now and STILL lie about what really happened then he is truly a sadist and a sociopath. My friends all think he came clean because it was the right thing to do and he didn’t want the lies hanging over us. But he’s a people pleaser so others tend to see the good in him. I have no way to be 100% sure.

I only know that the one day he really had a chance for the privacy to do the deed is the same day he broke it off with her. And I just don’t think he would have the balls to break up with someone a few hours after he had sex with them. The risk of her lashing out would be so high. Plus if she’d been willing to have sex I doubt he would have broken it off. He would have been reveling in that experience and have wanted more of it. Essentially I don’t believe he was a good enough person at that time to have ended it with someone who was willing to sleep with him. And he did end it, that is one thing I know for sure.

As you said many have an affair for a reason other than sex. That is true in our case as well. If they did not have sex it is exclusively because she chose not to go that far for some reason I will never know. I can say without question that if I were to have an affair I am a zillion percent sure I would have sex. But thats just me. And it sounds like thats you too.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 3:27 AM, Sunday, October 13th]