SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To WS:
What do you do with the special memories you made with your AP?
Such as:
The "I love you’s"
Romantic getaways
Intimate sexual moments
Celebrating Valentine’s Day/Anniversary, etc

Are they still in your mind as fond memories?

No. To me it’s hard for me to even understand what the hell I was thinking. Of course I am a number of years out and have done a lot of healing.

The I love yous were total crap. You don’t help someone you live destroy their life and their spouses. Love is an action, it follows through and looks out for each others best interests. In an affair you are far more focused on your own interests and selfish desires.

I didn’t keep anything, in fact I donated all my clothes from that time. I didn’t want to be reminded of any of it. There were few mementos but those were thrown away.

It was a period of time that I am completely ashamed of, I hate the actions of the person I was then. There is nothing happy, fond, or otherwise. I one hundred percent live my husband and wish I had a Time Machine so I could go back and make different choices.

I don’t think about the ap, other than in the abstract. He is a nonentity to me..Neither of us were good people, we both had disgusting behaviors, and there isn’t anything attractive about it.

Thank you to ff4152, hiking out, brave sir robin, MIgander, darkness falls, and many other WS who have answered so many questions. You have no idea how helpful your replies have been. So thank you!!

Here’s one more question. It may have already been asked and answered.
During the affair, if you knew what you were doing was wrong, why did you continue? In my WH’s case, he claims he desperately wanted to end the affair because it was "toxic and negative" but he continued to buy her gifts, take her on romantic getaways, etc. WHY?
Why invest so much on a relationship that you know is wrong?

ff4152 and others

Cf & Hollowhurt

While I did have a PA I’d still like to offer my opinion.

I think the likelihood of going through all the sneaking around, lying etc only to not have done the deed is extremely unlikely. The brain is a big sex organ. The little head will not function if the big one isn’t on board. During my A, my AP could get me so aroused, I could have cut diamonds without using my hands. Is it possible that ED occurred, certainly. But I would be very hard pressed to believe it.

But let’s say for the sake of argument that it did happen and the men couldn’t get it up. IMO that’s kind of beside the point. Both your WH and WW had the INTENT to go through with it. That’s really all that matters IMO. Whether they did the deed or not really doesn’t matter at that point.

Thank you for the response and I agree with all your points, too well in fact. I guess I am looking for the one person, male or female, that experienced the 'no erection' event, first hand.

The reason being, I know my WW WAS a liar and cheat: and the events described by CF is my WW's story, just switch the players.

Is my WW STILL lying? I know this is my burden.

I have done my research and know 'a no erection' is possible, due to guilt, medical condition, etc. I have asked the AP in detail, he confirms it, but he is also, like my WW, a confirmed liar.

Deceit, lies, mistakes are possible by anyone I suppose. But still lying when the truth would fit better is problematic.

I guess someone saying "Yes this is a thing, it happened to me" would be more supporting information. Hell, I would probably question that also.

Ain't infidelity just wonderful?

Cedarwoods

Here’s one more question. It may have already been asked and answered.
During the affair, if you knew what you were doing was wrong, why did you continue? In my WH’s case, he claims he desperately wanted to end the affair because it was "toxic and negative" but he continued to buy her gifts, take her on romantic getaways, etc. WHY?
Why invest so much on a relationship that you know is wrong?

Why did we do it?

The simple answer is, because we wanted to. IMO it’s that simple. Unless someone was holding a gun to his head, he did all of these things willingly.

Now that’s not to say he didn’t have some guilt about it. I always had a twinge of it somewhere in the recesses of my mind. But that didn’t stop me. Every email, every conversation, every sex act, every hug was something I chose to do. No one coerced me. I’m always a little more than skeptical when I hear "the ws wanted to end it"

I voluntarily ended my A. I will admit it was very hard in the beginning but I still managed to do it.

Are there any WSs here who struggled with resentment toward their BS because they felt the BS didn’t appreciate all of the work they had done building up a pattern of fidelity and commitment to the marriage.

My WS did not reveal that he had a PA until 8 months ago, but the A itself took place 7 years ago. Since that time he has been fully transparent with all communication, location sharing on his phone etc. He has been loving and caring nearly all the time. However, when we have discussions about the A he will start to slip into "it’s been seven years…." This leads to immediate distance between us. I acknowledge his 7 years of work, but I also feel he lied to me for 7 years and took my agency away by hiding the real truth of what happened.

And still, he gets caught in lies about what happened. He lies about nothing else. I have never caught him in so much as a white lie about anything other than this stupid A. I feel like moving on for us requires true remorse and yet he still can’t really be remorseful about the "7 years". In his mind it is seven years of work he put in and that is just not possible for me to swallow. I appreciate all he has done, but ugh why can’t he see how frustrating his position is?

I have compassion that he has been through 7 years of hell, albeit of his own making. But, for me it feels like I am just 7-8 months into recovery. We are starting to get lost and lose whatever momentum we had.

Any insight appreciated in advance…

Hollowhurt

I guess someone saying "Yes this is a thing, it happened to me" would be more supporting information. Hell, I would probably question that also.

I will pose this question to you. Suppose someone did come here and say "Yes that happened to me". Would that really help you in YOUR situation? You already acknowledged this:

I have done my research and know 'a no erection' is possible,

is one more confirmation that the possibly exists going to really take away all of your doubts?

I imagine you've read countless threads on this site. How many of them did an AP not get it up during the A? The odds are certainly against it.

I don't know your backstory but you know both your WW and the AP are known liars. What their motivations may be at this stage are anyones guess.

You are in an unenviable position. You either have to believe what you were told or not; either way you have to make some sort of peace with it.

Stillconfused2022

Personally I really have no sympathy for your WH. If he has been through hell, too bad. I don't say that flippantly as I can definitely relate to how dark things can get as a result of this. But he is the one that cheated and actions have consequences.

I also do not think he has done as much "work" as he thinks. If he had, he would understand that this is all new to you. That each continued lie just resets the clock and puts you back. He doesn't have the luxury of being defensive. If he doesn't like it, the door is right over there.

ff4152

You are in an unenviable position. You either have to believe what you were told or not; either way you have to make some sort of peace with it.

Yep.

Thanks.

You are spot on.

Stillconfused:

Are there any WSs here who struggled with resentment toward their BS because they felt the BS didn’t appreciate all of the work they had done

Well, I think we could write entire encyclopedias worth on this one.

I recall about a month past D-Day and feeling like my BW was not giving me enough credit for ending the A and being sorry, and her not being over it yet. And here I am 8 years later talking about it.

It is a matter of perspective and your WS not really getting it yet from your point of view.

It was early on at a counselling session (btw - I highly recommend counselling both individual and couples) that my counsellor very politely pointed out to me that I was 'further ahead' in reconciling the affair than my wife was. My counsellor was way too polite, but I got the point. I was processing, my wife was still in shell shock.

I took me about a year after D-Day before I really started to understand where my wife was at. And I was really trying to understand. I just had no idea how deep the pain was.

ff4152 and Mr. Clean Slate,

Can’t thank you enough for answering my question. really needed to hear that. having so much trouble lately…backsliding mucking everything up. Need to figure out what I’m going to do about this.

I have a question for WS's and want to thank you first for explaining things my ws doesn't seem to be able to do yet at least in your experience.

My ws said him and ap would argue because she wanted him to leave me. They even got to talking about d. :( he has told me he never would have done it that he was trapped and not happy with what he was doing. He said what im imagining of it being wonderful is not the case...

is this how it really is? did you argue with your ap? my ws gets emotionally attached and I know wouldn't have done this lightly. However he says he doesnt even know what frame of mind he was in.

For those whose ap wanted you to leave your bs how was it between you and your ap? was the arguing bad? how did you navigate the arguments? he said he didn't talk about me... I don't know.. I dont believe anything... I just can't.

I appreciate your time and comments.

The OM wanted me to leave, but we never fought about it or even discussed it outright. His specialty was hints and manipulation. I think he understood that I was compartmentalizing and was afraid that he might break the spell. My BH was a topic we steered clear of completely.

WH I have a question.

Did you ever think of your BS in a sexual way while having sex with you Ap?

HowctHappen

Did you ever think of your BS in a sexual way while having sex with you Ap?

No. Not at all.

For clarity, my AP and I never had intercourse. Our A consisted of kissing, fondling and her performing oral on me. Blowjobs are something my wife does not do so I was never thinking about her when the AP was doing it to me.

Now my wife did enter my thoughts while I was with AP but it was not in a sexualized way.

For those whose ap wanted you to leave your bs how was it between you and your ap? was the arguing bad? how did you navigate the arguments?

It wasn’t something we argued about. He wanted me to leave; I thought, up until the last minute, that I was going to leave. Perhaps it would have eventually become an argument? I don’t know.

What is the most comparable life experience that you know of to an affair? Asked another way, if you were going to try to explain to someone who has never been in an affair what its like in terms they would relate to, what would that sound like?

Inkhulk

I have some thoughts on this.

Do you remember your first serious crush? The excitement, the butterflies, the "oh I can’t wait to see you"? That’s how it was for me, especially in the beginning.

The A occurred gradually before anything physical happened. I can’t recall the timeline, but my AP and I connected over FB. The talks were innocent enough in the beginning but evolved into something more personal. When we finally met for lunch and we kissed for the first time, I was on cloud nine. The next time we met, we went to a secluded spot and she gave me oral. At that point I was hooked.

Over time the novelty wore off a bit and we developed a comfortable routine. We would see each other 1-2 times a month. We would meet in her van, we would make out, she would blow me, then we would have lunch and she would leave. In between that, she would tell me what a great guy I was. You may have heard having an A is similar to a drug addiction; I can attest to that.

But the sheen eventually wore off and her mask started to slip. We had a fight and didn’t talk for quite a few months. During that time I found SI and the scales started to fall from my eyes. You see, I never really thought or cared about affairs and the potential ramifications of them. How scummy it all is. It’s like that saying, a chocolate covered turd may look tasty but you don’t wanna take a bite.

Ff1452: Ouch

Truth definitely hurts. But still thank you for all you do by answering these questions.

Did you love your spouse at the time of this cloud 9 experience? Do you think it is possible to love your spouse and have such a cloud 9 experience?

I am hoping no one tries to invoke the LOVE IS AN ACTION loophole. I’m pretty sure love is a feeling. It can lead to behaving in a loving way or perhaps not. I feel like calling love an action is a linguistic contrivance. So I am asking about the feeling. Did you feel love for your spouse at that time? Do you think that is possible?

Great question from InkHulk!

Ff4152: thank you for your honest response. My follow up question to you and other WS who got swept away in the excitement:

What is to stop you from going after that cloud 9 experience again? How does one break from that "addiction" never to go back to it again?

Cedarwoods

I can only speak from my experience but the desire to change has to come from within. Threats of D or anything else will not work in the long run.

When I ended my A, I still had not grasped who my AP really was. I still thought I was letting "the one" get away and I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

After a couple of months of NC, I trolled her FB page and saw her on a beach in Puerto Rico with her new soulmate. What was shocking to me was not that she had a new beau so quickly. Judging by her posts, she had been seeing him the same time we were together. This woman who I risk everything for, who was an angel put on earth just for me was nothing of the sort. She was just another lousy cheater. Just like me.

That forced me to re-examine myself and who I really was. I used to sneer at cheaters; the realization that I was just as loathsome was quite sobering. You see, at the end of the day, all the lies I told myself about me, my wife and my marriage were plain horseshit. My wife wasn’t the problem, I had turned my back on the marriage. Not her.

My A ended in 2016. The following 4+ years were some of the most painful ones of my entire life. But in the end, I wouldn’t be where I am today had I not changed. But I had to want to do the work. I can say without hesitation that I have zero desire to ever want to go through that again. A few blowjobs and having smoke blown up my ass was not worth the price I paid.