SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To WS:
What do you do with the special memories you made with your AP?
Such as:
The "I love you’s"
Romantic getaways
Intimate sexual moments
Celebrating Valentine’s Day/Anniversary, etc

Are they still in your mind as fond memories?

No. To me it’s hard for me to even understand what the hell I was thinking. Of course I am a number of years out and have done a lot of healing.

The I love yous were total crap. You don’t help someone you live destroy their life and their spouses. Love is an action, it follows through and looks out for each others best interests. In an affair you are far more focused on your own interests and selfish desires.

I didn’t keep anything, in fact I donated all my clothes from that time. I didn’t want to be reminded of any of it. There were few mementos but those were thrown away.

It was a period of time that I am completely ashamed of, I hate the actions of the person I was then. There is nothing happy, fond, or otherwise. I one hundred percent live my husband and wish I had a Time Machine so I could go back and make different choices.

I don’t think about the ap, other than in the abstract. He is a nonentity to me..Neither of us were good people, we both had disgusting behaviors, and there isn’t anything attractive about it.

Thank you to ff4152, hiking out, brave sir robin, MIgander, darkness falls, and many other WS who have answered so many questions. You have no idea how helpful your replies have been. So thank you!!

Here’s one more question. It may have already been asked and answered.
During the affair, if you knew what you were doing was wrong, why did you continue? In my WH’s case, he claims he desperately wanted to end the affair because it was "toxic and negative" but he continued to buy her gifts, take her on romantic getaways, etc. WHY?
Why invest so much on a relationship that you know is wrong?

ff4152 and others

Cf & Hollowhurt

While I did have a PA I’d still like to offer my opinion.

I think the likelihood of going through all the sneaking around, lying etc only to not have done the deed is extremely unlikely. The brain is a big sex organ. The little head will not function if the big one isn’t on board. During my A, my AP could get me so aroused, I could have cut diamonds without using my hands. Is it possible that ED occurred, certainly. But I would be very hard pressed to believe it.

But let’s say for the sake of argument that it did happen and the men couldn’t get it up. IMO that’s kind of beside the point. Both your WH and WW had the INTENT to go through with it. That’s really all that matters IMO. Whether they did the deed or not really doesn’t matter at that point.

Thank you for the response and I agree with all your points, too well in fact. I guess I am looking for the one person, male or female, that experienced the 'no erection' event, first hand.

The reason being, I know my WW WAS a liar and cheat: and the events described by CF is my WW's story, just switch the players.

Is my WW STILL lying? I know this is my burden.

I have done my research and know 'a no erection' is possible, due to guilt, medical condition, etc. I have asked the AP in detail, he confirms it, but he is also, like my WW, a confirmed liar.

Deceit, lies, mistakes are possible by anyone I suppose. But still lying when the truth would fit better is problematic.

I guess someone saying "Yes this is a thing, it happened to me" would be more supporting information. Hell, I would probably question that also.

Ain't infidelity just wonderful?

Cedarwoods

Here’s one more question. It may have already been asked and answered.
During the affair, if you knew what you were doing was wrong, why did you continue? In my WH’s case, he claims he desperately wanted to end the affair because it was "toxic and negative" but he continued to buy her gifts, take her on romantic getaways, etc. WHY?
Why invest so much on a relationship that you know is wrong?

Why did we do it?

The simple answer is, because we wanted to. IMO it’s that simple. Unless someone was holding a gun to his head, he did all of these things willingly.

Now that’s not to say he didn’t have some guilt about it. I always had a twinge of it somewhere in the recesses of my mind. But that didn’t stop me. Every email, every conversation, every sex act, every hug was something I chose to do. No one coerced me. I’m always a little more than skeptical when I hear "the ws wanted to end it"

I voluntarily ended my A. I will admit it was very hard in the beginning but I still managed to do it.

Are there any WSs here who struggled with resentment toward their BS because they felt the BS didn’t appreciate all of the work they had done building up a pattern of fidelity and commitment to the marriage.

My WS did not reveal that he had a PA until 8 months ago, but the A itself took place 7 years ago. Since that time he has been fully transparent with all communication, location sharing on his phone etc. He has been loving and caring nearly all the time. However, when we have discussions about the A he will start to slip into "it’s been seven years…." This leads to immediate distance between us. I acknowledge his 7 years of work, but I also feel he lied to me for 7 years and took my agency away by hiding the real truth of what happened.

And still, he gets caught in lies about what happened. He lies about nothing else. I have never caught him in so much as a white lie about anything other than this stupid A. I feel like moving on for us requires true remorse and yet he still can’t really be remorseful about the "7 years". In his mind it is seven years of work he put in and that is just not possible for me to swallow. I appreciate all he has done, but ugh why can’t he see how frustrating his position is?

I have compassion that he has been through 7 years of hell, albeit of his own making. But, for me it feels like I am just 7-8 months into recovery. We are starting to get lost and lose whatever momentum we had.

Any insight appreciated in advance…