she is still describing it as a "fog" which I know is a very common description, and saying walls went up around every other part of her life except enjoying the attention she was getting and feeling attractive and excited when all she had felt for weeks beforehand was exhausted and useless.
Obviously this, in my mind, is NOT owning up to it. She is on the surface taking responsibility, but also trying to analyze herself, and make herself feel better for her conscious choices. But to me it just sounds like bullshit excuses. I know she legitimately believes this to be the case and is not lying with intent, but is there ANY validity to that? Or is she just in denial and protecting herself by not letting herself admit the extent of what she did?
I believe in the fog. I define it as 'losing touch with reality', and I view it as a choice made by the WS. It's not an excuse. Note that I don't take being drunk as an excuse, either.
If your W is describing her thoughts and feelings at the time, my reco is to accept it as such. If she's using the fog as an excuse, she IS dodging responsibility - but it's very soon after d-day, and as others have posted, it takes time for remorse to take hold.
You know better than any of us what is going on with your W. I can't know whether she's using fog as an excuse or a description. I'll go with what your gut tells you.
Again, it takes time for a WS, even a WS who's a great candidate for R, to come to terms with themself and their actions.
The best thing you can do WRT your W is watch her actions and your responses. Know what she does and how you feel about it. My guess is that you doubt your ability to make judgments about other people now, but it's still there, damaged but there. You have to rebuild your confidence. Asking questions helps - you have evaluate every answer, after all.
Both Bigger and I have said, in essence, that you have to decide whether to believe you have the truth or not. Don't ignore the 'or not'. To R, you have to believe you have the truth, but you don't have to R. And you get to choose when you draw your conclusions. There's no rush.
But listen to your gut - it's probably right. Actually, I think in terms of head (evidence & logic), heart (desires), and gut (reality), and I didn't move until all 3 were aligned on the same course of action. You may have a different view - but I think we'd all say it's dangerous to ignore your gut.
Yeah, the 180 is not for a BS who is considering R, IMO. The 180 minimizes communication. Deciding whether to R or D requires maximizing communications.
When you talk, you get evidence of the other person's mindset, and that's critical to decision-making.
The 180 came about because a client got fed up with her WS and just started acting on her own behalf, in her own best interests. She limited conversation to finances and kids. She was shocked to find out that her H responded by changing his behavior.
The therapist warned that it's very risky to use the technique to manipulate the WS back into the M. Besides, your W wants to R. I think the 180 would be counter-productive now.
I think 'The Simplified 180' is more coherent than the 180 doc, so I bumped it - it should now be on the 1st page of JFO.
IMO, very few WSes can clear themselves of the wayward mindset without the help of a good IC. Therapy for my W was one of my requirements for R.
I also required that my W sign a release that allowed her therapist to talk to me and to call me if my W cancelled the release.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:01 PM, Wednesday, August 31st]