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Newest Member: trustingyou

Divorce/Separation :
Fml...back again

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 kiwilee (original poster member #10426) posted at 3:30 AM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

15 years later and I want to dissolve this BS marriage. I went through false reconciliation 15 years ago and worked my butt off in IC to forgive. I truly forgave him and he would say he felt forgiven.

Fast forward to 4 months ago when I tracked him unknowingly and discovered he was lying ALOT about his whereabouts. He lied about what time his flight would land and head to the bar. He was in the bar often during the day, rarely at night. The first Dday also was the same as lying about going to the bar and that is where he met someone.

So I confronted him about the lies, about him going to the bar on the regular during working hours and lying to my face ALOT!! I told him I was done and wanted a divorce. He swears that he was not unfaithful again, yada, yada!! Even if he wasn't (which is hard to believe) the lies alone are too much. And we are talking extreme lies.

I have been to a lawyer. I am getting things in order. I know in my heart I am done. But damn I am having a HARD time pulling that trigger and filing. It is not the marriage that has me distraught, it is the breaking up of the family. The thought of it wrecks me. Seriously destroys me! We have adult/ almost adult kids.

He has no remorse. No respect. No empathy. No accountability. I don't even know who the hell he is anymore. I am living in a nightmare and wish to wake up. But I have had my head in the sand the last 3 years when I knew things were messed up again. And I do it in the guise of my family. I am waking up quickly.

He is angry and needs it to be all my fault. He wants me to be the fall guy so he can go around saying I filed, I broke up the family. Poor victim. He refuses to file. And somehow I'm afraid I will be the one left holding the bag of shit! Why...because he is that guy that everyone loves, the helpful, social, likeable guy that no one would believe is capable of this.

Why would a person turn so mean and refuse to do the right thing?

He has been completely checked out of this marriage for 3 years and living a secret bar life. His actions said he is done, so he should be done. He says you said you wanted a divorce, so you do it.

I have never been so completely withdrawn and shut down. (this is not me, I am social and loud and fun and used to be a bad ass!!) I am back in IC recently to work through this and get to a place where I can move forward on a new path. I am terrified of it all. Ive been lied to so much I don't know which way is up.

Will I ever get to a place of peace or do I just have to take that leap of faith???

I want to be my bad ass 20 year old self again and say F YOU...take a hike, I deserve so much better!!!! Now all I think about is the kids and how this will wreck them!!!

And NOTHING will be easy going through this with him. He will fight me on everything, won't move out, etc. It makes me sick to think about.

Out on a limb looking for something to help me do what I need to do.

posts: 561   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8750419
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 6:05 AM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

So sorry you're back after false R. Wish I knew special words that could take the pain away, but don't believe they exist.

When you're done, you're done. Even though there's nothing explict, you know there's something probably going on.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1334   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8750431
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lawyermom ( member #2652) posted at 12:44 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

Kiwilee, I am so sorry you are going through this crap again. I am too. I'm really working on NO Contact, even though we are in the same house until it sells. I'm back in IC and it's so helpful Your h sounds like my WH. Stay strong. Some hours are excruciating, triggers everywhere (again.) Please take care of you first. Everything else must wait. I can't think straight ( hence my naïveté about h and his home, his addiction, his childhood. All excuses. My childhood was rocky too. So please, let's stay strong so we can grab our options. D at 66 is scary. Continuing to lose myself because of the constancy of h's narcissistic personality disorder is scarier. My daughters , age 32 and 33, are done. I get it. Be safe Kiwi. You deserve so much better.

posts: 53   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2003   ·   location: N.J.
id 8750443
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 11:16 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

Your kids will be okay.
You will be okay.
Life as a divorcee is actually quite nice.
The fear is far worse than the reality.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6592   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8750486
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 11:46 PM on Sunday, August 14th, 2022

Do you want to wake up for the rest of your life and wonder what will he lie about today?

It ain’t worth it honey. You are better than that.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1979   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8750490
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:30 PM on Monday, August 15th, 2022

Will I ever get to a place of peace or do I just have to take that leap of faith???

Yes and yes

Will your stbx play the victim? Yes
Will some people believe him? Yes

I can relate strongly to a lot in your post....My ex was also had an alcohol issue. My ex was also the most helpful guy...your hot water goes at 3:00am? He would be there, etc.


I am over ten years out now and only regret I did not do it sooner. Yes he ran around spinning his version complete with smoke and mirrors but it doesn't matter. The folks who have your back know the truth. Everyone else can believe what they want.

YOU will get signs along the way showing you that you are on the right path. I frequently got tidbits to help me (ie proof he was doing more than he admitted to, etc).

Back to the top question(s). There is great peace that comes as you go along in the process. Yes, I mourned my M, the future I thought I had. BUT I knew that was not how I wanted to live the rest of my life (with a partner who would swear it was the truth to my face when it is all a lie).

You want to show your children how partners should treat each other. This is not the example you would ever want them to have to live with.

Get your ducks in a row and do it on your own time. You got this.

posts: 6762   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8750523
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 11:22 PM on Monday, August 15th, 2022

Will I ever get to a place of peace or do I just have to take that leap of faith???

You will get to peace by taking this leap of faith. I had to do the same thing. I stayed after False R for too many years was still being emotionally abused and lied to and I pulled the plug finally. I let fear drive my decisions until I said no more.

He is angry and needs it to be all my fault. He wants me to be the fall guy so he can go around saying I filed, I broke up the family. Poor victim.

Many of them do that mine included. He is still crying victim and just sent me a new email from another address claiming I have been abusing him by not talking to him and being NC. They will play the victim until the end. My ex blames me for the marriage fallout and breaking up the family and he tells this to whoever will listen to him including the kids. This is how the disordered mind works.

Just keep walking through the fire to get there and you will. I'm still walking it but I also have peace of mind being away from him. That peace of mind is priceless.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8339   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8750599
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 kiwilee (original poster member #10426) posted at 1:11 AM on Tuesday, August 16th, 2022

Thank you for your responses! It helps more than you will ever know. Every nudge, every affirmation, every ounce of support is a healing balm for my brokenness.

I know what I need/want to do and I do believe I am getting there. I know deep in my soul I can't/don't want to live like this.

Somedays I forge ahead and work my plan. Other days, I get overwhelmed with emotions and life duties and can't face it all.

So I keep going. I am mostly proud of myself for keeping it together. I wish I could click my heels like Dorothy and be on the other side of the long/uphill battle that lies before me. But there is only one way out- and that is right through it, I can't go around the mountain. How on earth does one prepare for this battle?

I used to run half marathons and keep thinking it may be like training for that. Ironically, I have been working out everyday because I know I will need lots of strength and fortitude. I'm in IC. I am preparing.

Please keep the responses coming...it is so helpful!!

posts: 561   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8750615
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:57 AM on Tuesday, August 16th, 2022

I let those closest to me know what was going on and tried to prepare them for what I figured XWH would do - that was what he did.

I had to file because I'm sure he wanted to be able to say that I divorced him. I didn't really care because I just wanted to be divorced.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1334   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8750628
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 4:56 PM on Tuesday, August 16th, 2022

Maybe you should try looking at your situation differently?

I was similar to you. She cheated. I tried to reconcile. She continued her toxic behavior, dishonesty, and emotional abuse. Eventually, she filed for divorce, triggering two years of nastiness that was absolutely soul-crushing.

You know what my biggest regret is, in hindsight?

That I didn't file for divorce sooner.

You are currently hanging onto a life that is being ruined by living with a lying and dishonest person. Will you rock your own boat? Yes.

BUT IT WILL BE BETTER ONCE YOUR CUT OUT THE CANCER!!

I supposed there are people out there who regret getting divorced... but I've never heard from them.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5307   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8750685
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 1:33 AM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

I wish I could click my heels like Dorothy and be on the other side of the long/uphill battle that lies before me.

Every day you delay starting your new life is one more day you waste. We only get one life. You've spent so much time on hoping this guy will change, and he has yet again shown you who he is.

I remember being in your spot, wishing that I were officially divorced, or 3 years out and healed, etc. I am 10+ years out from divorced and my life is so much better than I ever imagined it could be when I was married or going through divorce.

You can do this! You can have decades more of happiness! It really sucks going through it, but it is so worth it in the end to only be surrounded by good, loving, people.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4986   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8751991
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Troutman523 ( member #80426) posted at 12:26 AM on Monday, August 29th, 2022

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I almost feel fortunate at times (not really "fortunate"..) compared to those who end up in the R nightmare years later. When my STBXWW dropped her affair bomb on me about 10 weeks ago she left within the week to live with AP and really hasn't looked back. She's done a big number on me mentally, emotionally and physically as well as blown up our whole family, including ruining the relationship with our adult children and her parents. Much like you, no remorse, no regret and really no sincere apology. I'll be out of this on the other side eventually and at least didn't waste more years of my life in a nightmare.

Best of luck to you.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 95   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8752746
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MegMeg ( member #79978) posted at 10:17 PM on Wednesday, August 31st, 2022

Thank you Kiwelee, for sharing your story. I'm only 7 months post Dday with a WH that doesn't want to do the hard work, and I, too, am wondering how to pull the plug. I cannot fathom continuing for years like this.

Turns out it's never a good time to get divorced. We, the betrayed, don't really get to pick the time. It is what it is. Yes, your older kids might get hurt by this, but they will also learn from you that enough is enough, what it is to be strong, to set boundaries, to survive. They will also learn from their father that poor decisions do have unpleasant consequences.

I read the book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life, written by a journalist about the benefits of ridding herself of a cheating spouse. You might find it useful, and entertaining, too. While the author, Tracy Schorn, is not a mental health professional, so much of this book rang true to me.

Wishing you strength and courage to do the hard things when and if it serves you.

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

posts: 60   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8753237
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HarryD ( member #72423) posted at 2:55 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

Some people have affairs with other people. Some have affairs with drinking, the bar life. There are groups like AA.
For some people drinking is more important then sex family, jobs Like somepeople can’t give up there AP, or having affairs. Others can’t give up drinking and drugs.

posts: 114   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2019   ·   location: NY
id 8753702
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 5:44 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

The Post by Tallgirl - 100% gold

The Post by barcher144 - another 100%

and all the other posts


In both the specific noted posts the underlying idea is NOT TRUSTING your spouse. In your case it seems the percentage or level of lack of trust is very high.

Even if trust in the 99 44/100% level - it is still a hurt you must live with.


In your case - I think barchers recommendation is best.

Not Just Friends

posts: 658   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8753723
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truthsetmefree ( member #7168) posted at 8:15 PM on Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

Aww, kiwi…I’m so sorry to see you are still in this place. Girl, you know I’ve been around this mountain more than a few times! duh

So rather than give any advice, let me just tell you how infinitively better my life is post D.

The day he walked out was one of the worst of my life. Well, really, I don’t know that’s entirely true - because he had abandoned me SO many times. It was probably more some day in the weeks and months that followed - where I both realized he wasn’t coming back…and that even if he did, there was just too much to heal. I don’t remember the day or even round about time…I’d say the D realization was more a slow screen fade to black. I couldn’t have imagined anything would get better. Hell, I was still just struggling with some ill-conceived notion that this was NOT how my life was suppose to be. I was approaching 50, hadn’t worked outside the home in almost 15 years, and was only skilled in a job that I felt I had rather put a bullet in my brain (seriously) than have to return to. I spent weeks into months in my pjs and coloring all day in an adult coloring book. Day after day - sometimes only getting one shower in for the whole week (and that was only because I forced myself).

But strength and resolve grew in that quiet and disorganized time. For the first time in the duration of my marriage, I became ready to really look at my XH’s behavior - and what I realized was equally disorienting. But it was the truth - for the first time in a very long time - and truth has a way of lifting you out of the situation. As my willingness to look at it came (because at this point I had nothing left to lose) so did my clarity and ultimately direction. Indeed, the truth does set you free.

I wouldn’t go back into that marriage for love or money now. I’m pretty sure I’d just take actual cyanide if I was forced back into it. I have absolutely no idea how I survived it - and even more so, how I maintained any level of sanity. It was so convoluted and fucked up that I no longer even yearn to understand. Distance is what I want now most of all; when it comes to him, it’s the only thing I care about.

I got an entry level job in a brand new field. I started at $16/hr and mostly was charged with keeping a seat warm. It wasn’t what I wanted, many days felt like a failure. But I focused on the larger purpose - finding my own footing - and I’m now, three years later, several rungs up the ladder and making nice money and respected for my skill set. In some ways, the thing that held me in the marriage for the longest (financial dependence) - and the thing I most feared having to establish - has been the most healing aspect of this whole journey. I could have never imagined such would be the case.

As I progressed through that and the actual drawn out divorce, I also lost both my parents (I’m an only) as well as my beloved dog - all within the time span of a year. Talk about feeling like I was climbing Mt Everest! But it also gave me the opportunity to do a bucket list item that I had assumed was just forever off the table - flip a house. So I set out on my own - as in, ALL alone - and disbursed the 40+ years of content of my childhood home as well as to remodel to generate an additional $100k in gain (and this was before the housing explosion, probably would have been close to $200k otherwise). Friends and family thought I was nuts - both in the remodel and in that particular market - and therewere tons and tons of tears along the way, for SO many reasons. But I both grieved and healed in that process. And when I wasn’t grieving or healing then I was just flat out exhausted - and between all that, I moved forward in ways that I can now only see in hindsight.

I’d take either/both of my parents back today…but they left me a substantial inheritance that has given me such security in their absence. The thing that I had MOST worried about worked itself out in ways could have never imagined - nor would have given that loss. But it is what it is…and Life provided in its own way. I paid off my house a couple of years ago, was able to help one of my sons with his own down-payment on a house, paid cash for a new car (from the money I generated in the flip) and am now considering a remodel on my home. (We were looking to build just six months prior to him walking out, had been putting in bids on land - so having my dream home also felt like it had been lost.). I work now for the mental stimulation and the appreciation - which ironically seems to come in spades. Never could have guessed that I would actually ENJOY working - and I do!

All this to say, the things that I most feared - what kept me in that dead-end marriage for so long - never came to fruition by divorcing. I have all the things I wanted…but I have them now with security; there’s no longer any little boy running around with matches. I do what I want to do when I want to do it. And that freedom stands in such contrast to what I once had that I now protect it fiercely. I’ve most definitely moved from being afraid I will die alone to being VERY selective with who I allow in my life. I absolutely do not miss one ounce of that dead weight that I carried for years.

I could have never imagined feeling this way. But I am thankful every single day to be out of that relationship. I had no idea how bad it really was until I REALLY got out of it. I am SO thankful that I did not live out the rest of my life/die in that marriage! ❤️

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 8:23 PM, Saturday, September 3rd]

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8913   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8753747
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 kiwilee (original poster member #10426) posted at 3:25 AM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

Oh my gosh you guys thank you so much for the replies!!

Truthsetmefree...here we are again!!! It is amazing to reconnect with you, thank you for sharing your story and insight! I will PM you to talk further.

I feel as if I am getting closer and closer to being able to pull the trigger and even start to get a bit excited to get out of this terrible situation. I figure all I can do is go up at this point. However, then our middle daughter who just came home from college and starts an intense accelerated nursing school tomorrow has me worried. She said tonight at dinner that it was told to her at orientation to tell the people you live with that this is going to be a very tough program and there can be no added stress and the student will need full support, understanding, etc! The program is one year. I can not delay my life for one more year, I need out. I have already sacrificed SOOOO much and wasted years of MY life. When the hell do I get to start living FOR ME???? I naturally (as I always do) start to think of her and the kids and wonder if I can suck it up for a year to help her in life.

And f'n WH has the nerve to tell me I'm the one that doesn't want the family intact and I am going to break up the family, etc. I would have trudged along had he not had a secret bar life and lied to me constantly. I am screaming inside and I want off this ride so much.

My natural instinct is to think of others before myself. And I am drowning and I know I need to save myself, but am so afraid that the family will go under and do worse. FML. There has to be a better way than this. I know there is never a "right" time, but is there a better time than other times?

posts: 561   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8754050
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