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I havent talked to mil in a year. We had a fight, (we were supposed to visit after 3 years of not seeing her due to having a baby and then covid). She decided 2 days before she was going to go to her daughters house in montauk and have a vacation with her two daughters and their families. When i asked if we could come she said no room.

She had and has never met her grandson (my 3rd chilld). And she decided To ditch us, for a week at her daughters beach house. They had all just gotten back from a rental house on the lake three weeks before.

Ok. I told her she was immoral and weak. She let ow come to the montauk house, etc, but not me? Wife of 20 years?

So. Wh and i have not spoken to
Her in a year. He was also hurt that she blew him and our kids off for his sisters.

I looked at her fb page. She has a meme that says

A man will never cheat on you
If you give him love, attention, care
And time.

I so wish we were fb friends. Id rip into this meme. It's unbelievable and hurtful.

Gotta, your MIL sounds toxic AF. I'm sorry that you're hurt.

That said - stop looking at her facebook. Her toxicity is over there and it will only hurt you as much as you let it at this point. Block her and just. stop. looking. Cus she can feel and say whatever she feels and says - she can push whatever dialogue she wants to, but you do not have to allow it space in your head and heart. Her bullshit and feelings say nothing about who YOU are.

Please work on detaching. From MIL, from your sisters, from your wh, from anyone around that does dysfunctional, toxic, and hurtful shit to you. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO KEEP PEOPLE LIKE THAT IN YOUR LIFE and more pointedly IMHO, you should NOT keep people like that in your life. Life is too short for this shit.

How's the separation and divorce stuff coming along?

I remember reading about your mil's appalling behavior last year. It was so disturbing it really stuck with me. Honestly, she acts like a middle school mean girl. So immature.

You are a kind person so you keep expecting others to be kind. Some people just aren't capable of kindness I guess.

And this latest fb meme. Wow, just wow! It seems like the sort of thing an OW would post. I am so sorry you have had to put up with her. Stay NC!

She’s not a nice person. We see the handwriting on the wall.

But you keep subjecting yourself to her. You look at her posts. Why?? You know she’s an evil person. And she knows you see her posts. That’s why she does it.

Yes after 20 years of M she doesn’t like you. I’m sorry to say that. It hurts me to type it b/c you don’t deserve that. But………when it’s time to walk away you walk away.

You get upset. You are unhappy. Angry. Frustrated. With your MIL.

But………if you actually stopped engaging you would be removed from her shenanigans and you would not be affected by it.

I am from your area. I know the exact kind of person your MIL is. I steer clear of those types.

My MIL despised me. Never spoke to me. Woo-hoo!!! I never had to deal with her nor did my H. She slammed the door. We never knocked again.

Win-win. She never had to deal with me and I didn’t have to deal with her.

If you constantly engage by looking at her posts - you have no one to blame for being bothered/upset/hurt but you.

I have very little respect for people who shun their grandchildren. No excuse (in most cases).

Time to lock that door. Permanently.

PS - we did get the deathbed type call from my MIL. My H went to see her. She was crying. My H was not. ( I did not attend). It was just too late to start over and my H just didn’t want to.

I understand why you are hurt by this... but at the same time...

You need to develop skills such that you can ignore the mean things said and done by toxic people. This person is clearly toxic.

There is an old West African fable that goes something like this:
A man is walking along the river when he hears something call for help. He looks into a ditch and at the bottom is a viper. The viper asks the man for help because – having no feet – it couldn’t climb out of the ditch. The man refuses, pointing out that the viper was a snake and would bite him. The viper promises on all that is holy not to bite. Convinced, the man gets into the ditch and lifts the viper out. Once out the viper turns around and bites the man. As the man lies there dying from the snake he asks the viper "Viper – why did you bite me? You promised not to!"
The viper turned around and said "I bit you because I’m a snake. What did you expect?"

In that story your MIL is the snake. Why do you expect anything different from her? IMHO you simply ignore her. Crazy is what crazy is, and expecting anything good or logical is like expecting the snake to thank you.

Not only is she toxic, but as you are posting in S&D forum I assume you’re separating or divorcing, so she won’t even BE your MIL anymore, and therefore most definitely no longer your problem.

You all are very right but i *still* check her posts, ow, etc..

Its almost sort of funny in a way. Last year... almost exactly to the day! I found out she was going on vacation w her other kids 1/2 way thru out proposed trip to see her. And during the call i called her immoral and weak.

She protested and said she has morals!

Um, no. And that meme is further proof!

Yes. I am separated. In house. Wh just put together a bed in the basement, I had been in the guest room which is now my moms room for now, and i have been sleeping on the couch or floor.

A bed in the basement. 🙄

So yeah. We arent together.

I wouldn't speak to her again unless she apologizes.

[This message edited by morningglory at 2:15 PM, Wednesday, July 20th]

I wouldn't speak to her again unless she apologizes.

I wouldn’t speak to her again. Period.

Whats the goal with the separation?
Maybe you won’t have a need or reason to speak to her again.

The day I blocked my ex-MIL on social media was so. Much. FUN!

Especially if yours is a narcissist like mine, then the act of you cutting her off will push every one of her buttons. She's posting those things for a reason. Imagine what will happen when she realize she doesn't have access to you anymore.

[This message edited by HeartbreakInHawaii at 11:40 PM, Thursday, July 21st]

If you are D your H - then you will never have to have contact with his mother.

First of all, hugs! It hurts when people you expected better from don’t support you. It is part of the betrayal package your STBX handed you and it will take time to work past it.

That is the key though…be aware that you need to do the work to move past it. As others have said, this woman is toxic and you need to not communicate or read anything she communicates. It’s STBX’s job now to maintain her relationship with her grandkids.

This is something I read years ago that helps me remember that working through is a process. I hope it helps you too.

There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery by Portia Nelson

"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there.
I still fall in... it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault... I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

When I read about couples like you it makes me so sad because you’re paying for things that happened in your childhood. I’m not excusing cheating. That’s not what this is about. You are living in a house with a man who sleeps on a separate floor from you. Think about what his childhood must’ve been like with a narcissistic mother like that. It must have been hell because they’re so good at turning your world upside down and it’s always blindsiding. It seems to me from reading what you said is that you were the peacemaker in your family. It means that you cannot stand when someone treats you poorly or actively dislikes you. You want harmony and you will bend over backwards to get it. Two people trying to make their way in this world as a married couple and both of you not realizing how much pain and discomfort you live in every day. I’m just so sad for you.

It seems to me from reading what you said is that you were the peacemaker in your family. It means that you cannot stand when someone treats you poorly or actively dislikes you.

I can relate as I was the peacekeeper with my narcissistic mother. I turned myself into a pretzel daily trying to keep that woman happy.

But...

The solution (since she's a narcissist and CANNOT be or stay happy) was learning to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It will be the same for you, Gottagetthrough.

1. Something happens (like a catty sister or MIL post) that hurts, really hurts.
2. Immediate desire is to fix it. Correct it, smooth it over, understand it, or have someone else make it better.
3. INSTEAD of doing that!!!!! Stop. And sit with the hurt. Do battle with the hurt. "You will not win! You will not make me jump like a seal and get upset! I will own these feelings and not let them trigger me."
4. Then, while sitting with the feelings instead of trying to get them out, use your logic to talk to yourself and take the situation apart until the trigger goes away. "Her post is obnoxious. She loves to upset me. It makes her feel powerful. But only a sick person wants to hurt others to feel powerful. She is a sick person then. So this is not actually about me at all! This is about her emptiness. Geeze, I feel so much better realizing that. I talked myself down without letting the feelings own me and own my behavior!"

It really works. I no longer try to fix the feelings with my mother by arguing with her or by venting to someone else. I've learned to be comfortable with my discomfort--her being nasty to me--and sit in it, using logic until the hurt passes. She tries still! She tries to get me going with a snippy comment (passive aggressive; I've usually done something she didn't like). Psych, mama! No reaction from me now.

My guess is that your MIL does not like that her little punching bag is not around much anymore. This is her way of trying to pull you back in. Psychopathic or malignant narcissist types enjoy harming people. (They say online trolls frequently have these types of personalities.) She ENJOYS hurting you, and when you pull back with stronger boundaries, she misses the joy she gets from upsetting you. So honestly, her meme suggests you are winning!

Get comfortable (sit in it, do nothing except talk logic to yourself) being uncomfortable (other people being mean or mad at you). Don't let them get their entertainment from watching you dance after they knowingly push your buttons. THAT'S how you win.

Every minute of your life that you spend checking out MIL, OW, WH, Sister, etc. Facebook pages are minutes you will never get back.

Every minute of your life that you focus on other people is one less minute for you to focus on bettering yourself, enjoying yourself, empowering yourself.

I know it's hard but if you can't do it, maybe you can find a friend or counselor to help?

Family can be a challenge at times. I hope it works out for you.

When ex-asshat and I broke up, his mother told me it takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage. She was only half right.

If you do D, your contact with her can be zero or pretty darn close to it. Hope everything goes well for you!