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Husband's affair was almost 5 yrs ago and we are reconcilled completely now. Things are great between us, but I still deal with seething hate for his AP.
I saw a video of his AP online of her (she is VERY active in her church,,I know,,, considering she is married and slept with a married man)she was giving a sermon one Sunday morning at church and I watched it.
She was talking about morals, integrity and respect and then told a story about how her father taught her a lesson when she was younger and "It stayed with her for her entire life and that's why her "integrity & morals" are still so present in her life"
OMG. Are you kidding me????? How does someone that has an affair completely lose their mind and have the balls to say something like that KNOWING they are a cheating scumbag????? I just wanted to puke on my computer monitor.
I don't know how she sleeps at night and looks at herself in the mirror in the morning.
Why she hasn't been struck by lightning I will never know.
I wish I had some of what she is obviously drinking. Crack KoolAid. Must taste pretty damn good.
Sorry. I just needed to get this off my chest.

She probably tells herself some bullsh*t story about how she didn't actually do anything wrong. Or she feels she has been forgiven.

How you manage to not blow up her life after that, I have no idea. I would be so tempted!

Oh wow! That woman has quite a set of balls on her, doesn't she? I totally get your pain and disgust. My D-Day was only 3 1/2 months ago and I also have seething hatred for the married AP. She works for a non-profit organization that provides services to disadvantaged families. She also works for local political candidates, painting herself as a pillar of the community, someone who will stand up and fight for what's right. Meanwhile, she was screwing my husband in her car, giving him blow jobs in parks behind bushes, demanding that he not take me to those parks because they were "their parks" (one of which is exactly one mile from our house). She demanded that he stay in touch with her constantly, got pissed off when he went on vacation with us and didn't check in, snuck into my house to screw him on my couch and begged him to say he was in love with her (and mean it). She would tell him she just wanted him to be happy, and if leaving her and being with me would make him happy, she would be OK with that. So when he would try to tell her it was time to pull back from the A so he could focus on our marriage, she would beg, cry, tell him her romantic and sexual life would be over since she was no longer attracted to her husband (shallow bitch!). If he persisted in trying to break it off, she would accuse him of using her for sex, say she would hate him for the rest of her life, maybe even tell me, his employer and anyone else who would listen about the A. When he told her he wasn't going to get a gift for Valentine's Day but he was getting one for me, she said, "Oh yeah! Well who are you fucking right now? Huh? I deserve something!" He knew if he got her a gift, I would see it on the credit card or bank statement, so he didn't. Boy did my financial vigilance piss that bitch off! The shit had to end because I found their emails and confronted WH. He shut it down, but she emailed again asking if perhaps they could still have sex now and then. I'm not making any of this up. I read it all in black and white. She's a truly morally vacant person who cares about no one and nothing but herself. I can't stand the thought of her hideous face. Thanks for this thread. Venting was fun!

I'm honestly surprised the Holy Water didn't burst into flame when she walked by.

Cat

Rug sweeping 101 was the lesson here.

Sounds like Her and her H never worked through it, she never found remorse, and she had no consequences.

This is infuriating! A person in a leadership/teaching role in the church being dishonest in representing themselves as always being a person of integrity. If she would be honest and say ‘ I’ve made very hurtful choices in the past’ or ‘I’ve fallen so very short on integrity in the past but trying to be an upright person’.

Be assured that God will not be mocked. That which you sow you also reap. God can forgive adultery of a truly repentant person but their are still consequences for the sin. In this life. There are consequences. No one commits this sin and gets away with it. God takes it very seriously.

I can relate to your anger/hatred for the co-conspiring adulterer. I too struggle with this. The Bible says we are not to take revenge. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to speak up and speak against the injustice. God is our avenger. And He is able to avenge us in ways that we didn’t even imagine! Better than we could avenge ourselves!

Take a breath. Don’t give her place in your life. Don’t look her up on the internet. She’s under your foot 😜🙏

I think I’d wear a shirt stating in big huge letters, "(Church skank name here) fucked (my husband’s name here)". And I’d wear it to the church. When she’s there,

It’s not your shame to bear. It’s hers and his. I’d out the whole thing to the entire church and scorch the earth, but that’s how I work.

Then I’d move and start a new life in the circus. Fuck this.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 9:27 PM, Tuesday, June 28th]

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom and encouragement! I never confronted her or contacted her BS and wish now that I would have. It's just frustrating to know that she walked away scott-free and had no consequences, at least none that I know of. My husband paid the price and rightfully went through hell for his part. It was a long painful process to get us back on track, but at least know he had consequences. His AP however, goes to church and talks about her morals.

I was lucky though, in that she was not a crazy stalker freak AP like alot I read about here on SI. She stayed away from us after my husband ended it and with an exception of a possible "butt dial" a year after the affair ended, (she called but never said anything so we don't know if it was an actual butt dial or what,,,) we haven't heard a peep out of her.

Nevertheless, I still hate her and won't ever forgive her.

Hmmm so you never revealed to her BS? I think that’s something you may want to reconsider. Don’t assume she’s not still cheating with someone else. I would feel a duty to warn him. Do it in a spirit of advocacy for him not revenge on her. Motive is the difference in it not being revenge. You may save another woman such as yourself great pain. I wouldn’t hesitate to do that.

She probably tells herself some bullsh*t story about how she didn't actually do anything wrong. Or she feels she has been forgiven.

It is amazing how a person with shitty morals are able to 'absolve' themselves....without even TRYING to make amends. I know a person like this in real life, and it is just awful to observe.

I think that’s something you may want to reconsider. Don’t assume she’s not still cheating with someone else. I would feel a duty to warn him. Do it in a spirit of advocacy for him not revenge on her. Motive is the difference in it not being revenge. You may save another woman such as yourself great pain. I wouldn’t hesitate to do that.

I second this. It is never too late to offer to give someone their agency.

She might be related to the minister if my former church.

The minister did not cheat in her H but has been a very shady person, demanding cash payments for services and shunning people if you oppose her on an issue or anything.

She stood up and called the congregation "garbage" one Sunday. We have it in videotape. She denies it.

It may be that "she’s forgiven herself and believes God has too".

Find another church.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:30 AM, Thursday, June 30th]

I never confronted her or contacted her BS and wish now that I would have.

It’s never too late, especially after committing a fraud in the church. You should reach out and expose this.

Just to clarify, it's not my church. I have never met her, don't know her husband and do not run in any circle of friends that know her. She was a COW of my husband's. They met at work and the affair began. My husband quit his job and hasn't worked there in years.

If I were going to expose her, I should have done it when the affair happened and when it was fresh. Now I just don't want the drama that could come with any contact with her. Could she still be cheating with someone else? Yes, I suppose that's possible, and this may be terrible, but not my circus, not my monkey. I can only hope she doesn't do it to another woman. After 5 yrs, I don't want to dig it up. HOWEVER, if she ever crosses my path, I WILL confront her.

My husband almost pukes everytime there is a slight reference to her or the affair. We have come so far and I don't want to backslide at this point. It's me that still has the lingering hatered for her.

The two cheaters I've been with in my life have both regarded themselves as good people - exemplary even. They had a remarkable ability to compartmentalize their misdeeds as anomalous and inconsequential while over-stating their good deeds - being baseline decent. Both of them would exhaustively list every good thing they'd ever done for me, insisting those things cancelled out repeated infidelity and all the accompanying trauma.

They are galling and delusional.

Yes, she's a total immoral hypocrite. "Truly, she has received her reward."

Now protect yourself and stop looking her up online. Turn your back on her completely and move on for your own mental health.

I am happy to see things going well in R...but very upset that you are upset (((HUGS))).

I don't know how she sleeps at night and looks at herself in the mirror in the morning.

You are correct in this...you don't know. This was what gnawed at my H. He was sending out one persona publicly...but he was living with the REALITY of who he truly was privately. It eventually became too much for him. From what I have read on here with other Waywards...not being TRUE to themselves was the WORST. Once everything came out...and they were able to be authentic again...well...there isn't a price that can be matched for that kind of PEACE of mind.

Since you REALLY don't know...change your perspective . A BW wrote on here once how drinking wine together after a mutual bike ride was one of the things the BWs WH and the adultery co-conspirator did a lot of. She easily could picture them doing this...and it drove her crazy. Then she wrote how she started picturing the adultery co-conspirator drinking her wine now...ALONE. She could picture a single tear running down the adultery co-conspirator's face...and as it made its way down her sad face...it eventually dropped into her wine. This changed the BWs perspective on the "drinking wine" part .

I started doing that exercise too...and it really did change my feelings . Some of the pictures in my head started being very negative though...and that didn't put me in a good headspace. So I just quit picturing anything about the adultery co-conspirator...WIN-WIN for ME .

She was talking about morals, integrity and respect and then told a story about how her father taught her a lesson when she was younger and "It stayed with her for her entire life and that's why her "integrity & morals" are still so present in her life"

This is a GOOD one to picture in your mind . She KNOWS this is a LIE...and I could so easily picture her thinking how SHE LET HER DAD DOWN...every time she said this. I can easily picture her asleep...when she starts dreaming of her Dad...with a look of disappointment on his face. Her sleep is disrupted and she wakes up with bags under her eyes. Her BH asks if she is alright...and she can't confide in him without letting him know her dirty little secret...so she pretends to be alright. Only...she's NOT. This LIE is eating her up inside...and she has NO ONE to be able to talk to about it. YOU know Dear Lady how GOOD it feels to be able to get stuff off of your chest...you did it with this thread . SHE CAN'T!!

My friends and family who are not on this site know NOTHING about the turmoil and anguish I have had these last 8 years because we never told anyone about my H's A. People will say to this day how we INSPIRE them to have the kind of M we do. I tell them that having a good M takes a lot of WORK. I tell them that we don't believe in sharing our "dirty laundry" in public...so people don't see all of the screw ups we do or the work we put in to make the M we have. I also use a lot of memes on social media ...such as my tagline...A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other. I LIKED that one because it really described my H and I .

I understand you getting upset over what you saw...but please know that things are not always what they seem. I know this firsthand .