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Newest Member: lrpprl

Wayward Side :
It is very quiet

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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 12:25 PM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

As a cop I did a lot of first-responder work at trauma-sites. A key factor was offering calm and hope. Even if I was certain a person was bleeding to death I wouldn’t scream out "YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!" but do my best to staunch the bleeding and calm the person.

I've never noticed anyone screaming at a poster that they were going to die. Divorce also isn't death. Catastrophizing the possibility of ending a bad relationship isn't healthy or productive.

Some people here tend to encourage reconciliation, others tend to encourage divorce. This preference is obviously based on the posters' own experiences, and there is value in what both types of posters have to say. I've never seen either screaming at a BS or telling them their life is over. On the contrary, posters are typically supportive and affirming of a BS's ability to improve the situation, regardless of which advice they give.

Giving straightforward advice to a person with an unremorseful and/or serial cheater to get STD tested, get therapy, consult with a lawyer, and begin planning an independent life is not at all like screaming at a BS. On the contrary, it's simply sharing an effective path out of a bad situation. "You're bleeding, so here are the steps to take to stop the bleeding, heal yourself and not let this happen again."

The BS's who post here and receive the blunt replies telling them to take steps to leave are not with the remorseful WS's who are earnestly trying to do their part to repair the marriage. They are with WS's who are serial cheaters, and/or who seem to be currently still cheating, and/or are blatantly unremorseful, and/or are emotionally abusive, etc. These BS's often have low self-esteem and/or are very afraid for their marriage to end. Those of us who have been in their shoes and have come out on the other side after finally leaving are saying, "The way you are being treated is not acceptable. You deserve a better life. You can stand up for yourself and leave and be strong and have a better life. And that's not the end of the world- it's a new beginning."

That is a positive, affirming message, not a panicky one.

[This message edited by morningglory at 1:29 PM, Wednesday, July 13th]

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8744501
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 2:43 AM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

The tone of this forum is pretty tame and level headed compared to other forums. We may have had a few isolated incidents, BIMO these are far from what I’ve seen on other forums.

What I think might be happening is Red… has a forum titled "Surviving Infidelity". This site jumps right out at you in the search engines and seems to be growing and very active.

Infidelity business is still going strong.

Contributors get ego kibbles in the form of upvotes.

I have to say, this site has much better contributors, moderators and the ability to interact with WS’s is invaluable.

A lot of SI canon and lexicon has been borrowed by these other sites.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:44 AM, Thursday, July 14th]

posts: 921   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8744604
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 10:11 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

RealityBlows has hit on what is probably the number one issue. In spite of all the good work that has been done here, it is still seen as a traditional forum and traditional forums have been suffering as people gravitate toward social media and mobile apps. SI has probably been slower than most forums to see that impact because its audience probably averages older than most forums. But as the victims of infidelity are more and more from the generation who grew up with these tools, they're going to turn to what is familiar.

Still, I don't doubt that the more militant voices have scared away their share of people - WS and BS alike. Obviously WSs at least want to feel safe. I know from experience that some BSs simply aren't ready to hear the full truth of their situation when they are fresh out of Dday. In trauma it's either fight or flight and if you're in fight mode you're grasping for hope whether it's realistic or not. Those people need to hear the truth, but it has to be delivered at the right time and with sensitivity to what they need.

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 419   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8744957
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