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Went swimming on a boat with a bunch of triathlete friends. OW and FWH affair happened when they were training together for a race. She was mentoring me in the sport. This is a boat event that she would normally go on that I've been avoiding. Knowing that she recently had surgery - not stalking, just see her around town on crutches, I figured I'd be safe. H was at home making me dinner:).
OW showed up with a new boyfriend....also another athlete. (She has a type) And, she scrambled up to sit right, RIGHT, beside me. She had to pass numerous seats on crutches to get to my spot. New boyfriend giving me the stank eye like I did something wrong.
I just ignored them both....but when I got home I went down the rabbit hole of despair. Why WOULD anyone do this?? I know I should stop asking questions that are unanswerable. But, for crying out loud. It's like she either WANTS me to make a scene OR just likes to torture me. What a f-ing psycho! I'm not moving. I'm not changing sports - I got to a world championship last year after just three years of doing this. We're more than 3 years post DDay. H and I are doing great! He's done so much work that he's actually starting to feel like my hero again. And, that letting my guard down a bit has me more than a little nervous.

Thanks for listening.

P.S. Totally out-swam the boyfriend just out of spite.

UGH.. She and the boyfriend are lowlifes. She undoubtedly told her new victim I mean boyfriend that she was the victim.
You did great- just keep moving through life like she’s not there.

Sorry this triggered you. How did you WS handle it?

He did great. But I ended up so far gone he couldn’t say anything that I would hear. I just ended up giving myself a time out and see space.

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 4:57 PM, Thursday, June 16th]

P.S. Totally out-swam the boyfriend just out of spite.

Love it! And congrats for your swimming accomplishments.

It's nice to have something in common on this site other that waywards.

From one swimmer, me (albeit, a slow one and not a triathlete) to another -

I'll now imagine you as the fast young woman in the next lane, and wish her strength, both in and out of the 50 meter pool.

Most APs are a little bit (some more) psycho. They are in competition with the BS even if we don't know a thing about it. And then when they lose? To someone who wasn't even in the race so to speak? Oh, that's an ego wallop.

So all she has is her ability to remind you that she had your husband for a time. She needs to do this to try and feel superior to the woman she lost to.

And that's why you trigger. Because for a time, he chose her and not you. In the end, you are ok, you have your marriage and life and ultimately came out exactly how you wanted to, but psycho AP put that dark period right in your face and basically gloated about it.

Never mind. She's obviously an inferior species whose self esteem is so low she has to hurt an innocent person to feel better about herself. I mean, how pathetic is that?

I agree. She is enormously pathetic. I'm thinking likely massively narcissistic to feel entitled to the life I created for myself. And, the best way to piss off a narcissist is to accuse them of something evil that they actually DID. Given the love bombing that narcs are known for and the way she's worked through most of the men in the tri-community in town.....I can see how my H succumbed. Not excusing his choices by any stretch. And, unlike her, he owns up to his part and has moved mountains to atone and attune with me. (Or I wouldn't still be here).

Funny, or maybe really not so funny.....I grew up in a terrible abusive family. I can TALK to them. I know they have no power over me. I have great boundaries with them. THEY.DON'T.TRIGGER.ME. They should. It was YEARS of awful stuff. This is one pathetic little troll woman who isn't even pretty...who was my "friend" for a relatively brief period of time and had a briefer fling with my H.....and works her way through the tri-guys in our community like she's trying to win a trophy or something......why does her trying to sit near me make my interior brain space go to hell. I've done the EMDR. Done all the therapy. When will my brain understand that she is so small? Rationally, I can process this. But, knowing that this little troll person has it out for me.....sends me over the edge. I don't need her to like me or anything stupid like that.....but space....personal space.....smh.

I’m glad you posted.
The OW drives by my house regularly. I D my WS, so sometimes they drive by together, sometimes my xh drives by my house. WTF is wrong with people? I turn my back on them. They want a fight to release the pent up anger inside of themselves, I NEVER give them the satisfaction. Good for you for just being yourself. It’s creepy she sat by you. Their minds are truly sick.

I was laughing a bit last week when my adult sons went to my xh and OW house and she was yelling, screaming, slamming doors, cussing. So.... I guess they are miserable pieces of dog sh*t trying to look like they have it all to the world, but they are sick and miserable. And us not arguing with them makes them hold in the crazy and they don’t get to blame us for it.

The OW drives by my house regularly. I D my WS, so sometimes they drive by together, sometimes my xh drives by my house.

It's a shame it would break NC, but wouldn't it be funny to ask them to drop off some toilet paper or a loaf of bread on their next drive-by?

Sorry the OW continues to cause you to trigger. She is doing this on purpose. Perhaps she is a psycho as wants to cause you discomfort as many say. Who knows. But let me posit this after reading your threads and what we know from her exBH.

She is a physician and displays highly entitled and selfish tendencies. She is the type of person who doesn’t tolerate being wrong OR being seen as the bad guy. She had all kinds of justifications and rationalizations for betraying her BH. You know she just wasn’t happy with her SAHBH while she worked to support the family even though he is a great guy(seriously) blah, blah, blah. And look at the type of men she pursues: highly competitive triathletes.

Just my thoughts is that she continues to try and get close to you, to force you to talk to her, because she can’t stand that you think poorly of her. No one can think poorly of her. She needs to tell you shes sorry but it wasn’t her fault because she was unhappy a home. Can’t we be friends? Blah. Blah. Blah.

I could be all wrong. But her continued attempts and her past behavior say I could be right. My advice: continue to ignore her. You do not owe her closure or a hearing. It’s good that it bothers her you can’t sand her. Take care of you. It will get better with time. Good luck.

SadieMae....You crack me up.

Fareast..... She needs to tell you shes sorry but it wasn’t her fault because she was unhappy a home. Can’t we be friends? Blah. Blah. Blah.

OMG......what a complete narcissist. And, Gosh, this resonates hard. Bet she's mad at FWH.....or wants to pin it all on him. Karma bus......could you be a little more obvious???

SadieMae-

Fareast-yes!!! No one is allowed to think poorly of the OW! They live their life like a soap opera instead of living an authentic life.

It's obvious she has spun some bullshit story to the new boyfriend.

You're a better woman than me. Cause I would have smiled,leaned over,and quietly said, "you know she had an affair with my husband, right?" Then I would have winked at her,laughed,and changed seats.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:40 PM, Thursday, June 16th]

SadieMae......How creepy for the OW to be in the car when they drive by??? WTAF? I can't fathom why she'd tolerate that at all.

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 7:45 PM, Thursday, June 16th]

HellFire.....I'm just glad right now I can politely ignore without needing medication or liquid courage to regulate my breathing at this point. You made me laugh out loud. Working up to that. Funnily enough, like EVERYONE else around us KNOWS.....they all KNOW that this happened. Not from me specifically, but from her Ex and mutual friends, her ex-boy toys who found out and dumped her. Pretty sure the only one who doesn't is the boyfriend....

I'm just glad right now I can politely ignore without needing medication or liquid courage to regulate my breathing at this point.

I think this is something to celebrate! Go you!!!

This makes me angry for you~

I think you should have said ... Pweee, is there some dead fish on this boat ... and got up and moved.

I would also be wondering how well she could swim with crutches. '

Told you it made me angry FOR you.

why does her trying to sit near me make my interior brain space go to hell.

Maybe because it's her rubbing it in. Even if that's not how her narc mind sees it. Based on other's responses she may very well just want to push her way into your life somehow so you can see how awesome she is and excuse her but whatever her motivation, it's still rubbing it in.

I'm going to assume your abusive family doesn't rub the abuse in your face. IMO that is what this AP is doing and I think it's perfectly normal for that to suck.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle it with your strength. She'd get a withering stare from me and probably a "Why do you have to sit near me? Miss me or something? Don't you have any friends?" Calmly of course. Right in the eye. Beyotch.

She knows your suffering and won't do or say anything. She loves the power.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 10:12 PM, Thursday, June 16th]

My abusive family LOVES to rub it in my face....IF they get the chance. That is a rare occurrence. I have more boundaries and control over that. They don't just show up. They could....but they don't.

Problem is....she was mentoring me in this sport. Found out about the A 2 weeks before my first race. Did it anyway with tears in my eyes as I finished feeling like an utter fool. And now, I'm committed. It's addictive. My doctor says I have the lowest cholesterol in her practice and that its like an extra anti-anxiety med. (And, whoooo I needed that) Physically stronger and, despite my posts, mentally stronger than I've ever been in my life.

The problem is that I've worked myself into ACTUALLY breathing in her presence over the last THREE years. OMG....that sounds profoundly pathetic. But, it is what it is. Triathlon is a very small community, especially for women. The exercise is everything I need.......but it has the potential for triggering on the daily. Most of the time, it doesn't. But, it is like visiting the workplace everyday when your husband had an affair with his secretary. I don't want to lose the benefit of what I've received from the exercise and races....but it sucks sometimes. AND, I also sound like the whiniest betrayed wife on the planet. I feel glad for where my FWH figured out HE should be and also struggle to trust him.

When I see her....it is mostly looking past her and trying to think about where I am right now. And, right now, when I'm not reminded and can stay present....is a REALLY great place. I'm enormously annoyed about her pushing my personal space. Annoyed that it takes so much mental energy. And that ANY human would do that to another. I just don't get it. UGH. Like, does she think I don't know??? UGH....Heavy sigh.

H is all....I'm sorry....I'm sorry I did this to us....I can't control her showing up. I am ashamed that I went there. Please come with me....I have so many good things planned for us..... (and he does). Seriously, dude saw that I admired the dress in the last James Bond movie.....ordered it.....through Covid....to my size....and has planned this enormous day for me tomorrow asking me to wear it. He's been there. Owned his part. Checks in. Daily makes me know he wants to be here. (STILL....ugh STILL....reminding my brain of the effort he's making....because "he's the a-hole cheater"). He's done a lot. I'm certain, if he hadn't.....I'd be long gone. Until last night's trigger, my world was epically wonderful. Just trying to get back to that place.

It sounds like she's trying to goad you into an altercation. That way, she can run out and get an RO on you so that YOU can't participate anymore. I'd just make sure I always brought a friend with me and then make her miserable by cutting up and having fun. She's going to continue doing this because she knows you won't make a scene. She can't accuse you of threatening her if you don't lose your temper though. I'd start greeting her as "Homewrecker", ie. "Oh, hey Homewrecker. Gosh that looks like it hurts. (big smile) Couldn't you find anywhere closer to the door to sit?" If she says anything like, "What did you just call me?!" You're all, "Oh, so sorry. Your name escaped me for a minute but I do remember that you like to fuck other people's husbands". Then, lift your ass cheek off the seat, fart in her general direction ala NTV, and say, "oops, pardon me, burritos for lunch". And THEN ignore her while you turn back to chat up your friend.

Goading can go two ways and if she slips up, you get the mother of all ROs on her.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:53 AM, Friday, June 17th]

Fareast......I actually received an emailed apology 9-10 months post DDay from her where she said roughly that....but wanted to be sure that I knew that H started it....and that she should have been the bigger person and not succumbed to his advances. Utter Bull$hit!