2ManyMigraines and lonely2009…
I’m just so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the grief.
I agree completely with what they have said.
I have never lost a close family member in a horribly tragic way. I lost both parents but they were elderly. My sister died at age 62 from a very unexpected pulmonary embolism. But that is still an older person with grown children. And although it was tremendously sad, it was not tragic as in what you have described.
I have only experienced what you are going through twice in my life. One of my dearest friends lost her son at age 16 in a car accident. I remember running to her house, about three doors down from us. There were others there before me, and they were telling her, "God has a plan", "this has happened for a reason", etc. etc.
I am a person of faith, but I certainly know that comments like this are not comforting or reassuring. At least not to anyone I have ever known. When it was my turn to speak to her I just grabbed her and held her and whispered to her that this was the most horrible thing that has ever happened in the world. And she pulled back from me and looked me straight in the eye and said, "yes, you’re right, it is!" It seem to make her feel that there was someone who was not going to try to explain the whole thing away… To make it somehow not so bad.
The other time was when my best friend for over 60 years lost her daughter recently. Was a second cousin to an overdose, because she died from liver failure from massive drinking her whole life.
Those of us who have never been through such pain cannot fathom it in my opinion.
For my friend who lost her daughter recently, I traveled to attend the memorial service, made her a bracelet with her daughter’s birthstone, and gave her a book entitled,"Tear Soup". It’s an analogy of a woman coming up with all of her ingredients for her "tear soup", with references to the process of healing. She texts me every now and then to let me know that she read a few more pages. As much as she can at a time. I can just hope it will help, and I have told her if it doesn’t, please throw it away. Because how can we know when we haven’t been there.
As was mentioned earlier, my friend who lost her son LOVED it when I would talk with her about him and ask questions about his childhood that only a mom would know. I kept pictures of him on my refrigerator and when she came over she would tell me how much she appreciated that I was keeping him "alive" by having his pictures up and by talking with her about him.
Your friend is lucky to have you. You’re a very good friend and you will just know what to do. And even when you don’t, it won’t matter if you’re just there for her.