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Off Topic :
Best friend’s son died


 truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 5:17 AM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I’m sorry, you guys…I haven’t even been able to get to my last thread here and now I’m starting another one.

WHAT DO I DO??? How do I possibly help??? How do I possibly try to carry her through these next days, weeks, months, years???

WHAT DO I DO?????? (Not to mention I just started my new job TODAY!)

And where do I pull this reserve from? I just lost my other close friend last October…and I’ve already been trying to carry what I could for her family, for her 16 year old daughter. How do I do this??? HOW???

My heart is SO broken…and I am so powerless.

He left behind FOUR young children. My friend has had the two youngest for the last year - 2yo & 3yo. This whole thing has been like waiting for an anvil to fall on your head. And now it has. crying crying crying


Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8869   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8740080

zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 5:50 AM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I'm so sorry.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2863   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8740082

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:42 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I’m saying prayers for you and this family.

Are there support agencies that can help the family at this time?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12289   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740094

 truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 1:00 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I have no idea what’s available…how to help. She has a husband and three other adult children and they are all close - so I’m sure they will lean on each other.

When she called me last night and I went, she was the only one there and with the two babies. So I was the first to hold her…and then there to see the other family members when they were told. It was absolutely horrible. crying

It’s such a bad situation and they don’t yet know if it was an OD or foul play. His wife is also an addict and they both had been recently arrested (minor charges). She had gotten out earlier to go to rehab but had skipped out on two of them. He had just gotten out this week and was suppose to be in rehab himself…but was instead trying to get to her. I had called earlier this week to tip the police with where to find her for this very reason - but they didn’t bother to pick her up.

This has been her (my friend) worst fear and I have been talking her down for years. And now… crying crying crying

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 1:01 PM, Tuesday, June 14th]

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8869   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8740096

2ManyMigraines ( member #61851) posted at 3:13 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

I'm so very sorry your friend is going through this. crying And I feel for you. The timing sucks, but there's never a good time for something like this anyway.

As a bereaved mother, I can tell you there's no words that can make it better. Your friend will be surrounded with friends and family for the next couple of weeks until at least to the funeral. After that, everyone tends to scatter and go back to their lives and she'll be very alone. This is when I'd suggest really touching base with her at least every couple of days. She'll be glad one day to know that at least someone cared enough to check in on her after it was over and life seemingly went on for everyone else when hers was turned upside down.

My 18 year old son called me Sunday morning from visiting his friend 2 hours away for friend's birthday. His anxiety was through the roof and he was in tears before he finished telling me his friend had stopped breathing, and no one would've realized if my son hadn't been there. He heard him breathing funny, then tried to wake him up, but he had stopped breathing and wouldn't wake up. My son called 911. They came and took his friend to the hospital. He had taken percocet laced with something. I think this was the wake up call he needed and checked into rehab yesterday. My heart breaks for what his mother is going through too.

posts: 194   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2017   ·   location: Midwest
id 8740114

lonely2009 ( member #26370) posted at 3:36 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

My only child died 9 yeArs ago.
Grief is a lifelong journey. Lots of ups and downs .

I love it when friends and family talk about him and tell funny stories from his life. I don’t want him to be forgotten.

Take your cues from your friend. Sometimes she will just want to sit and just be. Holiday’s are the worst.

We no longer celebrate any holiday’s with any family. Too many memories.

And remind her that no is a complete sentence. Never let someone guilt her into doing something she doesn’t want to do.

My heart aches foe her because Truly know the pain and sadness she feels. It truly sucks.

BS- Me -young at heart
FWH- AARP Eligible
M - Over a quarter of a century
DDay - 9-14-09
R - going full steam ahead

posts: 392   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2009   ·   location: West Coast
id 8740121

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:36 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

You’ve gotten good advise so I have nothing to add other than sending some support and strength your way. You are a wonderful friend.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4876   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8740136

WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 4:02 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

2ManyMigraines and lonely2009…

I’m just so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the grief.

I agree completely with what they have said.

I have never lost a close family member in a horribly tragic way. I lost both parents but they were elderly. My sister died at age 62 from a very unexpected pulmonary embolism. But that is still an older person with grown children. And although it was tremendously sad, it was not tragic as in what you have described.

I have only experienced what you are going through twice in my life. One of my dearest friends lost her son at age 16 in a car accident. I remember running to her house, about three doors down from us. There were others there before me, and they were telling her, "God has a plan", "this has happened for a reason", etc. etc.

I am a person of faith, but I certainly know that comments like this are not comforting or reassuring. At least not to anyone I have ever known. When it was my turn to speak to her I just grabbed her and held her and whispered to her that this was the most horrible thing that has ever happened in the world. And she pulled back from me and looked me straight in the eye and said, "yes, you’re right, it is!" It seem to make her feel that there was someone who was not going to try to explain the whole thing away… To make it somehow not so bad.

The other time was when my best friend for over 60 years lost her daughter recently. Was a second cousin to an overdose, because she died from liver failure from massive drinking her whole life.

Those of us who have never been through such pain cannot fathom it in my opinion.

For my friend who lost her daughter recently, I traveled to attend the memorial service, made her a bracelet with her daughter’s birthstone, and gave her a book entitled,"Tear Soup". It’s an analogy of a woman coming up with all of her ingredients for her "tear soup", with references to the process of healing. She texts me every now and then to let me know that she read a few more pages. As much as she can at a time. I can just hope it will help, and I have told her if it doesn’t, please throw it away. Because how can we know when we haven’t been there.

As was mentioned earlier, my friend who lost her son LOVED it when I would talk with her about him and ask questions about his childhood that only a mom would know. I kept pictures of him on my refrigerator and when she came over she would tell me how much she appreciated that I was keeping him "alive" by having his pictures up and by talking with her about him.

Your friend is lucky to have you. You’re a very good friend and you will just know what to do. And even when you don’t, it won’t matter if you’re just there for her.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7540   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8740280

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:16 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

When she called me last night and I went....

What more do you expect of yourself? crying

I'm very sorry your friend is experiencing this. I'm very sorry you're experiencing so much death. I have no other words.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27413   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8740338

ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 6:01 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022


bring food, deliveries. just 'be there' as you can. take them to a cemetery for a cry. write a note memorializing the person.

Just realize, there is nothing that you can do or not do to make anything better for them. We all grieve on our own process.

And remember how very much you are hurtin too. All of that factors in.

((((TSMF & hurting SI members))))

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8445   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8740474

 truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 3:29 AM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Thank you all for the thoughts and suggestions.

2ManyMigraines & loney2009 - I am so very very sorry. Thank you for sharing your stories and perspectives. My heart breaks for you both as well. I can fully understand that it’s just something you never "get over". crying

Thank you too for those of you that are shoring ME up emotionally. It helps me tremendously to know that what I am doing would be considered being a good friend.

As for an update, this has just been a clusterfuck of a week. They don’t know any more details than they did on Monday because the ME would only talk to the wife since she is next of kin. She’s still trying to dodge the warrant (as well as using heavily seeing as she is still listing items for sale on marketplace) - which probably explains why his family were so long being notified (died on Saturday) and why he had to be ID’d using fingerprints. We still don’t know the official COD…or any of the timeline (ie, when he was found, etc). There were evidently no obvious signs of foul play…but his phone has not been found despite that he had been using it just prior. That all seems very strange to me. There’s a lot more questions that I personally would need answered…but they don’t seem to be a priority to the family. That’s also quite confusing to me. Even in the grief and shock, I just can’t imagine these questions not being foremost - but I also haven’t experienced it.

The service is on Saturday and they still have not published the obit. I’m struggling with this part too because I feel like there are a lot of people that just don’t know but would want to come. While I can’t imagine having to compose the obit - totally understand that part! - at least just put out the notice with the day and time. I’ve tried to encourage that part and have also been scouring everybody’s FB pages, finding/editing/sending pictures that they might want to use. I don’t expect ANY accolades…but where/how I am trying to help seems to be falling flat - so that feels somewhat discouraging. I’m just so afraid that there are going to be things that they later regret - and I hate that thought so very much.

They just seem to not be dealing - but not in the "go to bed" kind of way. More a "just go about your regular day" kind of way - and I’m just having such a hard time understanding this piece. I don’t know what else to do at this point but to maybe back a way a bit - at least on this aspect. Of course I will be there in whatever way she needs and whenever she needs it. But I’m just at a loss with what to do right now. I guess I just wait and let her drive?

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8869   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8740550

Tripletrouble ( member #39169) posted at 5:26 AM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

When my son died unexpectedly my friends were incredible. They just sort of handled everything from helping my husband (his stepfather) plan the funeral to getting food to us and just generally trying to anticipate our needs. I will tell you this. The family is in shock. No matter how much you might fear the possibility you can’t wrap your head around it when it happens. It took me at least 3 weeks to really even begin to even think or feel. And over two years to even approach anything close to acceptance. People thought my behavior was odd because it was. Losing a child just takes logical thought away.
As mentioned the support the family receives evaporates pretty quickly. For me the friends that were still checking on me a year later and even still now are the most helpful. And most definitely no platitudes about being in a better place and no trying to minimize her pain. Pick her up a copy of the best grief manual ever written called "It’s Ok that you’re not Ok" by Megan Devine. Let her talk about her son and just listen. Never be afraid to talk about him or say his name no matter how much time passes. We love to talk about our kids who soar with angels as much as the ones who walk the earth.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Happily remarried 2018
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

posts: 1169   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2013
id 8740791

 truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 4:13 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

The family is in shock. No matter how much you might fear the possibility you can’t wrap your head around it when it happens. It took me at least 3 weeks to really even begin to even think or feel. And over two years to even approach anything close to acceptance. People thought my behavior was odd because it was. Losing a child just takes logical thought away.

I’m so very sorry for your loss, tripletrouble. crying I can imagine what you are saying above is so very true but it helps to hear it from someone that has gone through the experience. There’s so many collateral issues in this situation with the wife being an active addict so it’s hard for me as an outsider to remember this aspect when it feels like there is so much more still on fire. I just so desperately want to protect my friend from even further pain so I think that’s playing into some of my "frustrations".

For another update - and this may sound harsh without the rest of the context…evidently the DIL’s warrant somehow got rescinded (which would explain why she wasn’t picked up earlier). Her parole officer was not aware and was livid when the family was able to finally get his info/make contact. He has reissued the warrant - and if the judge was able to sign it in time yesterday - then they plan to have plain clothes officers at the funeral today and take her into custody immediately after. Seeing as the family is trying to sell their house prior to foreclosure and put the proceeds into a trust for the four children, this is the best possible thing that could happen. Now that they have gotten the house ready for market, DIL is starting to show signs that she intends to renege on the deal (about $150k in equity). She’s also insisted on having the memorial donations set up to come to her…as well as learned this week that she will get SS benefits for the kids. Considering that she hasn’t had her children for the last year and has no place to live, no vehicle, and is already hustling for any money she can find for drugs, this is all a nightmare. Aside from that, she’s also acted like a little diva through this whole process and reportedly hasn’t even cried once since her husband has died. She’s totally off the rails and there are four young children involved. We need her in jail ASAP. If you guys could sent some prayers/positive energy toward that, it would be so appreciated. And I personally would like to see it happen today - even though that may sound callous. I absolutely detest the idea that she will profit monetarily off this situation - but especially when the children will get no benefit.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 4:14 PM, Saturday, June 18th]

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8869   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8740829
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