Defining what you want in negative terms is self-defeating. Besides, how would you feel if you were told, 'Don't do it this way! Don't do it that way!'
It's much better and more likely to succeed in building a good life to define what you do want. What do you want your W to do instead of being defensive?
Let's go back to basics:
I recommend thinking of R as 3 healings:
1) You heal you. Most BSes are inundated with immense amounts of one or more of grief, anger, fear, shame on d-day. The largest part of your work is to process those feelings out of your body. A good IC can help you do this.
2) Your WS heals themmself. They need to change from cheater to good partner. I think that requires IC for the WS, but others disagree.
3) Together you build a new M.
This means you can recover from being betrayed without your WS; that is, you can survive this crisis and thrive without your WS, but you need your WS to R. You can heal yourself because you control yourself. You don't control your WS. I recommend making survive and thrive your primary goal and R your stretch goal.
Have you read the Healing Library here? If not, there's a lot of good stuff there. Click the link in the yellow box in the upper left of the SI pages.
I think there are a number of keys ingredients to R.
First, what do you want? Do you really want R? If not, don't lie to yourself - D is a moral response to being betrayed. R is hard work, and wanting it makes it less difficult, but R is also a moral response to being betrayed.
I recommend figuring out your requirements for R and seeing if your W will sign on. If they won't, perhaps they can come up with something else that will meet your requirements, but if you can't negotiate something truly acceptable to both of you, great - you can go directly to D. Otherwise, you can monitor them for 3-6 months and commit to R for yourself if they are (is?) consistent in meeting your requirements.
The requirements need to be observable and measurable. That way it's easy to monitor progress and make adjustments as you go along.
Common requirements include:
NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond
Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times
Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., no more lies.
IC for WS - to change the thoughts and feelings that supported the A, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to).
IC for BS - for support - and for resolving any internal issue that comes up
MC - to help communications between the partners
Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis and must initiate sex sometimes. What do you want from your W?
And R is a joint endeavor - if one of you hides objections to the other's requirements, you sabotage R. And you have to see your WS as a human being of worth equal to your own to make R work. You don't have to see your WS as a human being whose worth is equal to your own, but you sure can't R, except with an equal.
Two companies. In one, when a problem occurred the managers looked closely at what went wrong and created circumventions in the hope that they'd prevent bad outcomes in the future. The company was not all that successful.
The 2nd company trained its managers and staff to evaluate processes with qquestions in mind like, 'Is this the best step to take at this point?' 'Is this still the best way to do this?'
I came to hate working at the first company. I loved working at the 2nd. I found it immensely more rewarding emotionally to keep going for gold instead of working to avoid shit. More fiscally rewarding, too.
This site doesn't give WSes any passes, but 'calling 'em one as one sees 'em' is very highly valued for very good reasons. Opining that someone chooses an unconscious response (to be a Victim) that can only be addressed through awareness doesn't seem at all an excuse to me.
It's important to evaluate what is happening around you. Knowing that one's WS habitually/unconsciously goes into Victim is good insight.
The next step is to decide on one's response to the Victim.
Drs seems to go to Rescuer or Persecutor.
As I think it was sharkman says, one way to help someone get into reality is to ask questions that engage logic and perception of the real world. Another way to circumvent the Drama Triangle is to respond authentically with what one feels or wants.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:03 PM, Monday, June 6th]