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Newest Member: LearnToLove

Reconciliation :
Triggering seven years out

Topic is Sleeping.

 OneInTheSame (original poster member #49854) posted at 9:44 PM on Friday, May 20th, 2022

First let me say we are doing so much better. My wife has made progress and we are healing.

But the scars — good grief! We are into affair season once again, and I am triggering by the most innocent events! A sweet love song in a favorite television series … a memory … even the weather!

I am just wondering how common triggering is so many years out. I have to say I think one big factor that contributes to it is to have a WS who takes more than 2-3 years to begin to "get it" and show some real remorse. We have watched several television series together in which the unfaithful partner picks up the heavy burden and tackles the "work" much more willingly and enthusiastically — and that usually sends me back into a deep sadness that mine did not. Are there some hurts that just won’t heal?

(I edit to correct typos)
I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP.
D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15
We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

posts: 2529   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2015   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 8736279

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 12:13 AM on Saturday, May 21st, 2022

Did you tell her how you were feeling about it? Have you ever expressed to her how hurt you are that she did not do the work in that way? Would she be receptive to that?

posts: 5197   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8736302

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:55 AM on Saturday, May 21st, 2022

I’m sorry you are still struggling.

It took sometime for your cheating spouse to get it.

That leaves you more vulnerable b/c you don’t have true remorse or anything that gives you comfort or confidence in your marriage.

What empowered me from dday2 was the fact that I realized I don’t need him to survive. Having created my own life (that doesn’t include him) made me realize I needed a balance and I put myself first and not him.

An affair is trauma. And it takes sometime to heal from it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 13224   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8736332

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:52 PM on Saturday, May 21st, 2022

I still trigger on some things. The triggers are far apart and low level, but they come up every now and then. I know a big trigger could be in my future. I can think of only one way to prevent it, and I'm having too much fun to take that route.

I don't remember the last trigger that stopped me in my tracks, but my guess is that it was 2-3 years ago, so 8-9 years out, or something like that.

A couple of times I've found myself in the middle of A season and not noticing it until something on SI triggers awareness. The date of the start of the PA is no longer etched in my memory. I just checked, though, and I can still find the timeline document, so I can retrieve the date if I want to.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 28589   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8736358

WTAF ( member #79274) posted at 6:55 PM on Saturday, May 21st, 2022

I am 6 years out from Dday and still trigger. Our first few years of R were not approached in a healthy, healing way as I had bought into the blame-shifting and unmet needs bullshit and he was happy to go that route and mostly rugsweep. It took a while for him to truly understand the devastation I felt. His infidelity was online and financial, so he was able to tell himself that it wasn't actually cheating.. I so wish I had found SI back then!

And now I have had the misfortune of discovering new triggers that I hadn't experienced before, simply because the circumstances of them are new(ish) to me: a product name that I wasn't familiar with at Dday but I see all the time now, a username here at SI, a few new TV shows that I will never watch, the name of one of my kids' friends when it pops up on social media. I hate that I can still be blindsided by things that should just be ordinary and unremarkable.

posts: 119   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2021   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8736367

LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 8:47 PM on Saturday, May 21st, 2022

Im 5 years out and I still trigger. The name of the AP is the same as one of my close cousins. Even though I dont see her often there are times where her name is mentioned and I automatically connect it to AP. The effects are not as bad as before where I used to go into panic mode and anxiety used to kick in however i still can picture the events when i close my eyes. My brain automatically links the name. Its annoying. I also trigger when I go into the same town as her and espeically if I have to drive past the road she lives in. Not sure if she still lives there but it definitely still has an affect on me.

I think these moments will always appear in our life. Im trying to see it as a positive thing. To remind me that I need to not blindly trust ever again and always be vigilant. Also to help me realise that the person I have become is much stronger and independent than the person I was back then.

So please understand you are not alone. We're all on the same boat as you and we will reach our destination of complete peace and contentment one day.

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8736377

ISurvivedSoFar ( member #56915) posted at 11:26 PM on Saturday, May 21st, 2022

Hi OITS. I can't say that I really trigger, and if I do, it is so mild that it no longer creates the anxiety once associated with infidelity. I forget affair season mostly and that time of year has a higher incidence of triggers but again, they are hardly noticeable.

My WS took some time to get it too - and that did a great deal of damage. We're still working on deepening our connection and in fact have a weekend retreat planned in a couple of weeks to try and heal that last part and go beyond even regaining the physical connection we had before.

I can see a great change in my WS - and that is reassuring for the moment. The part that still sticks is the amount of time he continued to deflect and blame me while he was trying to right himself psychologically. Half of me understands and the other half holds up my guard just in case. So maybe my triggers have been replaced with the wall that is still up - it is not nearly as thick as it was before but I think it is still there.

All this to say I think it is and can be normal.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2836   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8736384

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 6:44 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

Hey there sweet lady...good to "see" you on here again grin !!!

I am in A season too...and those triggers just seem to be amping up sad . I wrote a post about it in Luna10's thread. She is in A season as well.

My H didn't take as long as your W to "get it" I can't post about that part. For ME...a family emergency right now is somewhat similar to the family emergency that happened 8 years ago. This was why I had to leave my H while he was working overseas. I THOUGHT he had my back while I was under that stress...but I later learned he was manipulating me the whole time crying . My lizard brain is connecting these dots in the here and now with what was happening back then. I just now realized what was happening after reading Luna10's thread!

I have OWNED almost all of the triggers that plagued me...but this sensation has been frustrating me this year. Now that I understand what my limbic system is doing...I can relax and let the experience this time be different than 8 years ago.

Could there be some kind of correlation for you like this?

ETA: because I hit "enter" too soon duh !!

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 6:56 PM, Tuesday, May 24th]

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6477   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8736856

psychmom ( member #47498) posted at 3:34 PM on Friday, May 27th, 2022

Triggers can pop up anytime, anywhere. Especially when linked to trauma, which for most of us BS is the case.

I’m getting rather far out (can it be nearly 8 years ago??) and haven’t had a serious trigger in awhile. Let me rephrase that… I have LOTS of triggers, but my reactions are pretty bland toward them. That’s a plus!

I think we adapt to them, but we never forget completely. I have become so habituated to thinking about my H as a former cheater that it’s just a part of me nowadays. Not necessarily bad, just a constant presence. So long as there’s nothing new to reignite my trauma I believe it will continue to fade piece by piece. I wish the same for you!

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

posts: 4269   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Back among those who found Peace of Mind
id 8737485

Definedbygrace ( new member #80351) posted at 7:50 PM on Friday, May 27th, 2022

We are 36 years out from DD and I had a HUGE trigger 7 months ago that actually put me right back in 1983 when the cheating was happening (I didn't yet know about it tho) It 'retraumatized' me according to my IC and husband and I are now doing the work that we didn't do back in 1986 when he confessed. It has been a strange ride these last months after all this time has passed. If you don't do it right the first time it will get you eventually. look

Me: BW64 (24 at time of betrayal)Him: FWH66 (26 at time of Adultery) DD: 3/86 FWS confessed to 14 month NSA PA with married Co worker, 6x for lunch time quickies between 10/82-11/83 Severely Retriggered 9/2021 Reconciled but still healing from trigger

posts: 19   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2022
id 8737524

hopefulkate ( member #47752) posted at 4:11 AM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

I wrote a whole response but computer error has taken it.

Short answer is, me too. I am so grateful I came back to this site to see that not being 100% ok is 100% ok!

I trigger still, not big, nothing crazy. Once in a while, and it is rare, I will just need to sit with the sadness, maybe shed a few tears and just acknowledge that it happened, and that is was really sad. I'm not amazing at self compassion, but things like that are really helpful. I'm a walking work in process though ;)

posts: 1814   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8738981

Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 2:06 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

5 years since DDay. My triggers range from very mild to severe.

Very mild are more like reminders to which I react with just "meh". I have a brief feeling of disappointment, then I proceed to do or think whatever I was doing or thinking before. Example: cheating being mentioned in a movie.

Mild are those that cause some physical discomfort but no further reaction. Example: OW has a very common name that I have to say at loud occasionally. I’m not comfortable doing that. I feel like my heart tightens a bit every time I have to mention someone who has the same name, or I read / hear that name.

Moderate triggers are those that make me think about the betrayal a bit more. I remember some specific thing about the betrayal, I feel sadness, disappointment, and like I just want to hide from the world. Maybe I cry a little. Example: usually stuff that is specific to my story, certain song lyrics, certain activities, memories, photos and similar.

And then severe are the those that really hit me and cause uncontrolled burst of emotions. They make me think about the betrayal, I’m reminded of the questions I still have, of what I feel that I don’t know. My fears resurface and I’m imagining all sorts of scenarios and go through the "evidence" I have (I don’t have much) in a desperate attempt to make sense of the information I have. It’s hard to give an example as that can be anything that provokes a thought in my head that my WS did not tell me the full story.

How severe a trigger will be depends a lot on my mental state at that moment. If I’m happy and things are going well in my life, triggers will usually just go to the "meh" category.

I also believe WS behavior is a big factor. My WS was lying, minimizing, and giving me trickle-truths for years after DDay. No wonder I now don’t know what to believe in. As for him "getting it", I do think he understands to a certain degree, but probably not fully. The other day we were talking about triggers and stuff and he said that he doesn’t understand how can people allow triggers to affect them years and even decades after. I understand that we think differently, but his insensitivity, lack of empathy and emotional intelligence does not make things easier.

As for me, I’m tired of living like this. I’m tired of triggers and what they do to me. I found no efficient coping mechanisms, I don’t feel supported, and I basically lost hope that things will be better. Knowing myself, I will be one of those people who get triggered decades after betrayal and I don’t want to live that future.

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."

posts: 363   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8739003

Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 3:22 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

As long as any memories are still stored in our lizard brains they can, and will be, triggered. It's how our brains work, for better or worse. I still have triggers now and then. It's really fun at weddings, which are hard to avoid being in the catering biz.

Seven years later, divorced, and as detached as I could be, may very well be why I can easily dismiss triggers these days. But they still happen.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6691   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8739013
Topic is Sleeping.
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