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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
La La Land Betrayal

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 StuckWithMyThoughts (original poster new member #80294) posted at 6:32 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

I have been reading this forum over the past few months and can appreciate the community support this brings, everyone here seems extremely honest and helpful.

I am posting my story in the hopes to get some additional perspective from this group to gauge my reaction, hesitancy and pain around what I’ll call "an incident".

My wife of three years went away on a work trip recently to LA - for approximately one month. She developed a flirtatious texting relationship with one of her coworkers over the course of 1-2 week time period.
She has been adamant that he was constantly pursuing her and she was being playful but always "shut it down". She has said that it was just because it felt nice to feel wanted and seen as someone who is not just "someone’s Mother". This OM also was known to the entire team to be a guy that would hit on everyone and pursue many of the women on the team.

She knew it was wrong but felt like she was always in control of the situation, she mentioned to her friend that this was happening but that it wouldn’t go any further than the flirting.
The major examples of the text messages that she has divulged to me;
-She admitted to calling the guy cute and being playful so that the flirting would continue
-He asked to take her on a date and she said "Should not and cannot happen" and then when he responded saying "That doesn’t sound very definitive" she said "It will not happen"
-He said he wanted to kiss her and she did not respond
-She did admit that her response to him saying "I'm coming over, I am thinking of all the things I will do to you" she said "Maybe in another life I would sleep with you".

There is no way to verify what actually happened over text because she deleted all the history and due to an untimely iMessage back up and lack of storage it is impossible recover. She has tried and we have both tried together and we have been unable to recover them.

I worry that I am not getting a complete picture of the extent of the flirtation or engagement on her part. She is reluctant to try and remember any details around this. When I ask questions like well, was it a few text messages or was it a hundred? she will get frustrated and says she does not remember.

One night their team went out for drinks and she got blackout drunk. There are bits and pieces she remembers but not some major pieces like how the OM got back to her house or how he got into her bed. She remembers being in the kitchen, with two of her other female coworkers/housemates and the OM and seeing her one coworkers speak but not actually hearing any words.

At some point her friends went to bed. I questioned how do two other women go to bed knowing that a married and clearly drunk person is being left with this type of guy, unless my wife was somehow interested in what was happening? She said that they were also drunk and had no reason to think anything bad would happen.

She remembers crying when he kissed her and pushing him away (which she thinks she was in the kitchen for)

The next thing she remembers is "waking up or coming to" in bed, fully clothed and this guy humping her leg, breathing into her neck and trying to pull her hand to his crotch. She remembers saying no and turning away.

She then remembers waking up at some point and putting on her pajamas herself under the covers. When I asked if she remembered what happened or if the OM was in bed with her she said he must not have been there or she was not aware that he was.
After she had put on her pajamas this guy tried to put his hands between her legs asking to go down on her, to which she remember saying no repeatedly and turning away.

She woke up at some point and he was coming back from the washroom with a bottle of lotion. At this point she was coherent enough to sit up and speak and she told the OM that he needed to stay away from her, he replied with "relax, we are just two friends who hooked up".

She told him that is not what she remembers and he said he was going to leave and she asked how he was getting home. I found that question a strange thing to ask but she said she thought she wanted to know whether he was too drunk to drive.

She swears that nothing more happened sexually and that she feels like she would know if it did.

She filed a sexual assault complaint the next day with the company which was investigated by a 3rd party and found to be inconclusive due to their differing stories and lack of witnesses to corroborate. She decided not to press charges. I did see text messages with her company and the legal notice of the NDA the OM had to sign and the final report from the 3rd party that did the investigation.


I am having some major problems rationalizing a lot of this story and obsess over the details;
-I think that there was obviously a lot of flirtatious and sexual tension that was built up.
-I find it very hard to believe that between the kiss in the kitchen and the bedroom there was no engagement from her end at all.
-I find it suspicious that all the text messages were deleted (she claims it’s because she couldn’t stand to look at his name or the shameful texting)
-I worry there’s more to the story in the bedroom – could something more have happened? With her consent?
-Can you consent when you are blackout drunk? (not passed out, but intoxicated to the point of not remembering?)

She broke this news to me as soon as she was home from her trip, which was about 1-2 weeks after the event. At first, she took very little responsibility for any of it – she was the victim of sexual assault. I 100% agree with her that in any of the moments when she rejected him and said no that was sexual assault and there is no excuse for that and the blame lies solely with the OM.

I had an issue with there being a lack of accountability on the text messages and her unwillingness to see how that led to the events of that night. Since then we have been in couples counseling where she has taken full accountability for the texting and she understands how that opened the door to what occurred that night.

In that same couples counseling I feel like I am being made to be the bad guy in all this for not having met her emotional needs that "led to this in the first place". I am admittedly not an overly emotional guy but I have always been loving and supportive of my wife. I am also being told to "give it up" and transcend the issues and questions I have around the texting and the night so that we can work on our marriage.

Am I crazy for not believing her implicitly?
Am I victim blaming?
Am I focusing too much on the details?
What does the road to R look like?
How do you actually build trust again?
Is it just human nature to want to feel the way she did in the texts?
Are we actually lucky that this was a wake-up call for our marriage without a full blown affair?
My head and gut is telling me there is more to the story than what I am getting but my heart is telling me my wife wouldn’t lie and she could have just kept this all from me – why provide a half truth?

We are working through all this in couples counseling but I am starting to feel it is just being laid on my shoulders to change, forgive, accept and move on from this.

I know that this is not nearly as bad as some of the other stories here but it still feels as if my world has been turned upside down and now suddenly everything is just miserable.

For additional context;
-She was not eating or sleeping much while away she was working towards some impossible deadlines and was very stressed
-She does not have a drinking problem, she almost never drinks – I believe the fact she got blackout was a combination of the lack of sleep and food and her being out drinking for the first time after being pregnant and on mat leave
-We have an 18 month old at home, since she came back we’ve been together several times and she is now pregnant again.
-She suffered severely from post partum depression and some other depression around having a baby and not having her mom around to help (her mom passed away when she was a teenager which has really had an impact on her at this time)
-She had felt "disconnected" from me – during the early days of COVID I was working in a hospital setting so she stayed with my parents when she was pregnant and then when we moved back in together and had the baby we were just getting by between the post partum depression and learning to live with the responsibility of a new baby. We had gotten a little bit complacent
-The event time period was between Feb-March 2022.

I apologize this was much more long winded than intended

Any insight is helpful and would definitely appreciate some female perspective on all of this.

posts: 1   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022   ·   location: ON
id 8733706
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 7:32 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

In that same couples counseling I feel like I am being made to be the bad guy in all this for not having met her emotional needs that "led to this in the first place".

This is bullshit. If your wayward wife felt that her “needs” weren’t being met she had plenty of options that didn’t include texting, flirting and leading on a known douchebag.

We are working through all this in couples counseling but I am starting to feel it is just being laid on my shoulders to change, forgive, accept and move on from this.

Your marriage counseling sessions have turned into a 2 vs 1 blame shifting exercise. Your WW should be in individual counseling with a therapist versed in infidelity getting to the bottom of her need for external validation. You should be in IC with someone trained in trauma therapy. The current MC should be fired and future counselors should be carefully vetted on their views on infidelity.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 438   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8733712
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 8:20 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

She filed a sexual assault complaint the next day with the company which was investigated by a 3rd party and found to be inconclusive due to their differing stories and lack of witnesses to corroborate. She decided not to press charges. I did see text messages with her company and the legal notice of the NDA the OM had to sign and the final report from the 3rd party that did the investigation.

This is a pretty big sign that at least she didn't want to have sex with AP if it did in fact happen. That doesn't mean she didn't cross boundaries that a married woman should not have.

She knew it was wrong but felt like she was always in control of the situation, she mentioned to her friend that this was happening but that it wouldn’t go any further than the flirting.
The major examples of the text messages that she has divulged to me;
-She admitted to calling the guy cute and being playful so that the flirting would continue
-He asked to take her on a date and she said "Should not and cannot happen" and then when he responded saying "That doesn’t sound very definitive" she said "It will not happen"
-He said he wanted to kiss her and she did not respond
-She did admit that her response to him saying "I'm coming over, I am thinking of all the things I will do to you" she said "Maybe in another life I would sleep with you".

Even if it was 100% as she claims, that's disrespectful to you and your family. This was very much playing with fire with his reputation. Both to you and your family and her career.


In that same couples counseling I feel like I am being made to be the bad guy in all this for not having met her emotional needs that "led to this in the first place". I am admittedly not an overly emotional guy but I have always been loving and supportive of my wife.


Fire your CC. You are better off, both of you, having sessions with IC with trauma experience instead. This sort of thing happens when you are concentrating on saving the marriage over healing the people in it. We can all do better. When something like this happens both spouses will need to do better in order for the marriage to survive. But to even imply that she was openly flirting with someone else because you were emotionally unavailable is 100% wrong. That's her mentally placing herself outside of the marriage which is intentionally weakening the marriage further. When you do go back to CC try to find one with gottman and Infidelity experience.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8733717
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:41 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

Is it possible he put a date rape drug in her drink?

I believe she was victimized by this guy.

And I also believe she’s not the first one he did this too.

So sorry for you. I hope your wife gets the counseling she needs from this trauma.

I believe she ignored some things he texted and didn’t respond to and that she as pretty firm in her "no" responses.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733725
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 8:57 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

[This message edited by src9043 at 9:35 PM, Thursday, May 5th]

posts: 622   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8733729
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Drstrangelove ( member #80134) posted at 9:18 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

I can tell you two things with certainty: your wife is lying/masking the full truth and your CT is awful and you should stop seeing him/her.

You're in a hard spot because it's a one-night stand situation and you only have her word. I would press her hard for the truth, but if she won't break, you should reach out to the OM and hope he levels with you.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8733734
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 10:08 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

She filed a sexual assault complaint the next day with the company which was investigated by a 3rd party and found to be inconclusive due to their differing stories and lack of witnesses to corroborate. She decided not to press charges. I did see text messages with her company and the legal notice of the NDA the OM had to sign and the final report from the 3rd party that did the investigation.

That's a serious charge and can have long-lasting personal and professional ramifications for the parties involved. So yeah, I can't imagine that your wife would have made that charge unless she felt that she had been victimized.

It is not unusual for women to be pursued in the manner you've described. And if it's an attractive man, that pursuit might have felt flattering for awhile, particularly to a woman who had experienced some PPD in the recent past. Clearly though, there was a boundary, otherwise she wouldn't have made that complaint.

Your wife should not have engaged in any kind of texting back and forth with this guy. But that doesn't mean that any actual touching was wanted or consensual. So yeah.. I do think there is some victim-blaming going on here.

In that same couples counseling I feel like I am being made to be the bad guy in all this for not having met her emotional needs that "led to this in the first place". I am admittedly not an overly emotional guy but I have always been loving and supportive of my wife. I am also being told to "give it up" and transcend the issues and questions I have around the texting and the night so that we can work on our marriage.

I have a HUGE problem with that whole "unmet needs" schtick that many therapists are still perpetuating in couples counseling. If you click on the little person icon in the right hand corner of this post, you can read more about that in my profile. YOU are not responsible for your W's choices. How we fulfill our own needs is a matter of personal responsibility and a reflection of our character. This is old "pop psy" and it's a bunch of malarkey. BTDT. It's hooey. I do think you and your W need to work through the issue so that you're both comfortable and trusting of one another. Being told to "stow it" isn't going to accomplish that though. Try a Gottman-trained therapist, one who will help you turn "toward" each other and rebuild trust.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8733742
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 3:08 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Were you both tested for STDs?

She's pregnant within 2 months of spending the night with the OM? I suggest a DNA test.

The texts she did not delete were mildly flirty and showed her shutting him down or not responding etc.
So it's reasonable to assume the missing/deleted texts showed her reaching out to him or encouraging him more explicitly.

What is also missing is the extent of their physical contact up to that night. Sitting next to one another, lunch with one another, dancing & drinking, and weekends together.

Since there were witnesses to your wife's behavior all during that month it's likely that everyone was already assuming they were having an affair - and for sure everyone knew they spent a night together.

I think your wife is in damage control. It's possible she was victimized by a coworker but the man would have to be a fool to rape a fellow team member. It's more likely your wife let things go to far - and regretted it immediately the next morning.

Filing a compliant with HR could also be a desperate attempt to save what ever is left of her professional reputation as well as her marriage.

She may be a victim - but you are for sure a victim of her inappropriate behavior.

I think your wife regrets her behavior and can be a safe partner. However, I think for R to work you need to ask whatever questions you need to ask in order to be 100% sure you know what happened.

I suggest she provide a written detailed daily timeline of her contacts with the OM, including the night they spent together - subject to a polygraph test.

posts: 2573   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8733900
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:23 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

This is a tough one, maybe even more so for us men to chime in…
Let me start by sharing my background in law-enforcement where I dealt with victims of rape and sexual assault. I also want to be clear on my view that rape and sexual assault is always serious, and that a person (I might drop into talking about women, but men can be victims too) should always have the right to deny consent. Let’s be very clear on that.

But… (and I hate starting with a but…) a person can create conditions that are more conductive to bad things happening… Doesn’t justify or mitigate the assault or rape, but maybe we can’t avoid shaking our heads and wondering why the person got into those conditions.

It’s a very delicate balance… In the "old days" (only 10 years ago or so…) a court could find a woman "less" raped because she showed cleavage or wore a short skirt or didn’t put up a fight. It’s only a short time since a common thought was no man that didn’t want to be raped could be raped…Things that we DO NOT agree with today. A victim is a victim is a victim.

If a friend shared with me that she had dressed up in extremely skimpy clothes, gotten completely loaded at a bar, made out with a couple of men and then walked through the area of the local park commonly known as "Rape Grove" - everything ANY person should have a right to do without any issues - I wouldn’t be surprised if they would next share that they had been raped.
No less victims – no less a crime – but conditions that are conductive to being assaulted or raped.

OK – Your wife is a victim of attempted rape and sexual assault.
She deserved the support a spouse should give for that. You need to take that very seriously.

However… There is no denying she participated in created the dangerous situation she found herself in. It’s something that needs to be addressed but does not in any way minimize her experience as a victim.

I’m OK with you letting her know that you have issues with her having created the conditions that increased the risk of this happening, but at the same time letting her know that she is a victim.
That the OM had the moral and legal obligation of recognizing she was incapable of consent.
That your issues are real and logical in that the build-up might have been the base for why the other two didn’t butt in, and why the OM thought this was OK. That THAT phase was a consensual emotional-heading-to-physical affair.
That you fear that if this hadn’t happened there and then the flirtatious behavior would probably have eventually led to a consensual physical affair.

Let her know that these are complex emotions you are going through and you two as a couple need to work on them.

At the same time point out that her pointing at you and claiming that YOUR actions led to her having this affair (and let’s limit the "affair" to the consensual flirting/emotional era) is akin to how you could claim that HER actions made the assault happen. That blaming you for her actions is about as logical as you blaming her for being assaulted.

The big issue with the WS claiming the BS "made" them seek outside the marriage is that we – the BS – are unaware of the catalyst. Did your wife make it clear to you that there was an emotional detachment? Did she ask for change, or try to implement change? What happens 3 years from now if you forget to take out the trash or do the dishes? Would that justify or trigger her to seek solace with another man?

Like I said at the start then this is a tough one. You need to find that balance of having her take accountability of her affair while dealing with the reality she was assaulted.


Regarding the later: Does she still work there? Is OM still around? Has the company given her any form of support or separation from the OM? The conclusion was inconclusive – so it’s not claiming she’s lying but rather it can’t be proven. Any consequences? Any thoughts of changing jobs?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10590   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8733956
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:27 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Am I crazy for not believing her implicitly?

Absolutely not - you don't actually know what happened. All you have is her vague memories. It's reasonable to doubt her.

Am I victim blaming?

If she's a victim, and you're blaming her, you are. Bu you'll never know. How about this? You're focusing on her, when you should be focusing on you. You are wondering how big a betrayal you have to deal with. IOW, the feelings of betrayal are your problem, no matter what she actually did.

I believe your W was assaulted and is a victim, but that can't be proved, and there's a lot more doubt here than most of us can be comfortable with. But her texting betrayed you, too. You're in a very difficult sitch in which uncertainty rules.

Am I focusing too much on the details?

Yes, because there's no way to find out what the details are. Focusing on details is wasted energy. I know that sucks. I know it's much easier if you can find out the details. When you can't however, you needed to work on what you want to do when you can't know what actually happened.

What does the road to R look like? How do you actually build trust again?

Decide what kind of M you both want and build it.

Is it just human nature to want to feel the way she did in the texts?

Gently, why care about this? What is important here is how you feel and think about what you know she has done. I suggest a couple of exercises. Assume no sex except a forced drunken kiss - what do you fee and think about that? Assume she's lying to you. What do you think and feel about that?

Are we actually lucky that this was a wake-up call for our marriage without a full blown affair?

I guess that would be worse, but this is quite hard enough to deal with. Don't discount your pain.

My head and gut is telling me there is more to the story than what I am getting but my heart is telling me my wife wouldn’t lie and she could have just kept this all from me – why provide a half truth?

There is certainly more to the story, but I think it's inaccessible, and you have to accept that.

Your W wouldn't lie? Bullshit. Everybody will lie under some conditions. But I do think she's honest now - one test of that is what she has told you shines a very nasty light on her; that's an indicator of telling the truth. Filing the harassment complaint is another indicator of truth. I don't think she's lying to herself or to you.

We are working through all this in couples counseling but I am starting to feel it is just being laid on my shoulders to change, forgive, accept and move on from this.

I tend to have unique views on many things, but I agree 100% that if that's what is being dished out in MC, your best bet is to fire the MC for incompetence.

I do think you will need to change to heal - you are going to have to accept that the details have been lost. You may find yourself changing other aspects of yourself. But you get to choose what to change about yourself. You do have to move on, too, because life is all about dealing with change - but you get to move one when you're ready and in the direction you choose. You don't have to forgive. Period. You may find yourself forgiving, but that's entirely up to you.

You might tell your MC what you're thinking you're being told to do. You may be misinterpreting the message, and it's probably worth checking that out before stopping with MC, but you're probably hearing right.

I know that this is not nearly as bad as some of the other stories here but it still feels as if my world has been turned upside down and now suddenly everything is just miserable.

We'll take care of ourselves, and you take care of you. smile There's no need to compare As. SI members can work on resolving their own pain by providing help to others. Sometimes helping others helps us heal ourselves. You are as welcome here as the rest of us are.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:31 PM, Friday, May 6th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8733958
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seaandsun ( new member #79952) posted at 4:28 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

The therapist is focused on marriage. She has to make you feel responsible too or the marriage won't last.

the parts you need to focus on

The word that your wife felt emotional emptiness is an excuse.

flirting is not an innocent act and married people don't flirt!!

She flirted with other people instead of discussing your wife's problems with you and fixing your relationship.
What would she fix in a flirt marriage?
judging by your wife's messages, her friends know that she's flirted and support it. this comfort makes you think it wasn't the first flirt,

What to do if she feels that physical intimacy is missing.

The wife needs to be responsible for what she does when.

focus on yourself, you have to ıc yourself. I wish you not to experience permanent psychological disorders.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2022
id 8733960
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:54 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Thank you Bigger for agreeing that the wife was the victim of a sexual assault.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733977
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 6:18 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Hi Stuck-

I am so sorry for your situation. The fact that your wife has been victimized adds an additional shitty layer of complicated emotions. I think that your wife being a sexual assault victim and a wayward who has betrayed her husband are not mutually exclusive and she can be both.

She did not deserve to be sexually assaulted/raped. No matter what she did, texting, flirting or otherwise, she did not deserve for that to happen.

Now, I think that her actions leading up to her assault crossed the bounds of propriety and were completely unacceptable in a committed relationship. I would absolutely consider her actions up until she withdrew her consent as an emotional affair. It is her job to actively protect her marriage from outsiders and she literally invited one in by not shutting him down decisively.

Obviously, sexual assault is extremely traumatic and she would be well served to work through that with a therapist individually. However, being cheated on (even emotionally) is also extremely traumatic. You matter too and you will need space to talk through this with a therapist. Its okay to feel betrayed; you are not a bad or unsupportive husband because you feel violated at some of her choices which did not honor you or your marriage. Its okay to feel conflicted, anyone would.

Again, I am so sorry, this is such a tough situation. Keep posting, we are here to support you.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 207   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8733988
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 6:46 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Several points and observations I would like to make that may be useful.

1. Please direct your WW to an attorney who specializes in sexual harassment cases. Have that attorney assess whether such a civil case is viable against the employer and the OM. Do not be deterred by the third-party findings. Have an expert representing your WW's interests make the call.

2. Dump your MC immediately. Your WW should see a counselor that is versed in infidelity. A new MC might be acceptable, in addition to the IC for your WW, who steers away from the actual issue of infidelity. That issue must be handled by a therapist who will not blame you for her flirtatious behavior and subsequent acts that night.

3. I would not assume or buy into the date-rape scenario at this point. I would presume that your WW is not being totally honest. You need to know as much as possible about the events that took place while she was out of town for work. That is where a polygraph exam comes into play. Many naysayers will tell you not to do it. It is true that the exam is not completely accurate, but it is the best tool you have left to ascertain the truth. Many times, the specter of such an exam will force a "parking-lot" confession. Her reaction to your request can also provide you with feedback as to whether she is hiding something. Remember, she is the one who cheated, flirted, and broke serious marital boundaries. The seriousness of her indiscretions must be driven home to her. No better way than to force her to sit for a polygraph exam.

4. She must not be allowed to work another day with the OM. If her employer hasn't terminated him or transferred him out of the building where she works, she must leave and find a new job. This is non-negotiable. This is her penalty for cheating. Yes, she cheated. It was minimally an emotional affair. I really don't know how she can face her co-workers after what has happened. She has embarrassed you, herself, and crapped on her marriage. This is evident for all to see.

5. You have been married for a very short time. It is absolutely disgusting that someone who is still in the newlywed phase of her marriage behaves in such a manner. My ex-wife did the same thing. She was a serial cheater. Your WW has a hell of a lot of work to do. I suspect she has a deep character flaw that led her to behave the way she did. But for your children, I would suggest that you cut bait and run. There just is simply no excuse for her flirtatious behavior, period. Don't let a therapist tell you otherwise.

6. Because of your children you should not move for divorce or separation at this time. But honestly, unless she has some sort of epiphany, you are in for a tough ride. Can people change? To some degree. But it takes a concerted effort and a willingness to do so. Project five, ten, or twenty years down the line. If her behavior does not radically change, do you think she won't cheat on you again? Next time it will be physical.

7. Be the best husband you can be. Give her no excuse to repeat her bad behavior. If she does cheat again, you can confidently move on. But no way, no how you should be a doormat. She needs to love and respect you, the marriage, and her children. If she is incapable, get your ducks lined up in a row and prepare for a life without her being your wife.

8. Something has to be done about unaccompanied out-of-town training sessions. Certainly, no more drinking. To be honest, her behavior has been extremely embarrassing. I wonder if the employer would even allow her to continue on such trips. The employer knows that it has dodged a sexual harassment lawsuit so far. I've been on many of these training sessions in my career. A great opportunity to cheat on your spouse.

I am sorry to give you such a stark and bleak assessment but it is what it is. Loving, respectful, caring wives don't do what your WW did.

posts: 622   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8733994
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:51 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Why would you take the blame for her depression? That’s nuts! She needed a doctor’s help asap. Are you a doctor? If not it is not even in your wheelhouse. Even if you are unless you are an ob/gyn you don’t deal with this at all. Her excuse is not an excuse. It’s a lie. Don’t fall for the witchcraft that shows up to explain bad behavior. This is her stuff, not yours.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3296   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8733996
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 8:26 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Did you see the written third-party investigative report and the conclusion? It should be helpful in providing information as to what happened. It should contain the detailed statement of your wife, the OM, and any witnesses. It may provide insight into the interaction between your WW and the OM over the course of the one-month training session and the events of that night. It may provide impressions from co-workers as to the relationship the two had prior to the training in L.A. If the employer refuses to provide a copy of such a report to your WW, it is even more of a reason to seek advice from an attorney regarding a sexual harassment claim.

Another poster brought up this next point: The sexual assault took place in March. Your wife is now pregnant. Is it possible that she could have been impregnated while in L.A.? I apologize for bringing up such a delicate subject but in rereading your story, this possibility simply jumps off the page. I sincerely hope that the timeline clearly precludes such a possibility.

posts: 622   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8734007
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 11:05 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

I haven't read through all of the responses so I apologize if this is a repeat.

I think you should bifurcate the two issues.

First, your wife was engaged in potentially an emotional affair. Honestly, I'm not sure it rises to that level but she was crossing boundaries no married person should be crossing. He was pursuing her. She was enjoying it. Call it an EA or a boundary violation but either way, it is harmful to your marriage and hurtful to you. You have every right to be upset about that and to want her to get underneath her issues so she can be a safe, better partner.

(And yes her whys start where all WS's start: unmet needs. Meh, they all start there. It's a start).

Second, she was sexually assaulted. Her story seems very credible to me given the things you've posted. Your need for details around the assault are unnecessary and even more damaging. Imagine she was jumped in a parking lot at the mall. Would you ask her if she enjoyed it at all? Participated even a tiny bit? Would you even ask her if she had made eye contact with the guy earlier and therefore maybe, kind of, wanted him to rape her? Of course you wouldn't. Again, separate her EA from what happened that night.

I get that you are interested in what she consented to BEFORE HE ASSAULTED HER because that would be cheating and you want to parse that out from the assault but to what end? And I mean seriously and gently, she was assaulted, likely raped, she's paid just about the highest price she can pay for crossing the line.

For your healing you want to address her need for validation from another man. JMO but I wouldn't be digging around that night. It won't help you and it will continue to traumatize her.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8734022
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:27 AM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

Does her story sound like a date rape drug was used? If there are major holes in her memory that might be what happened. I only read your first post so you might have discussed this.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3296   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8734037
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 12:32 AM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

The End: I agree with much of what you said, but the fly in the ointment is that she wasn't just some random victim in a parking lot who was sexually assaulted. There is an issue as to the veracity of the WW. The OP has stated that his gut tells him that there is more to the story. He is in the best position, by far, to make that call. Unfortunately, there usually is more to these stories that are posted on these forums. The OP should take a close look at the third-party investigative report in order to get a better idea of what transpired. Hopefully, it is sufficiently detailed not only to provide details of events on the night in question but also contains coworker statements as to the relationship, if any, between the two of them leading up to that night. She deleted the incriminating evidence. Her excuse is lame. Like many WWs, she was likely more concerned with the discovery and consequences of what she did rather than her feelings of revulsion.

Maybe everything has been revealed and there is nothing more to see here, move along. But the OP's gut tells him otherwise.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:34 AM, Saturday, May 7th]

posts: 622   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8734038
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 1:19 AM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

What did the report say the posom claimed happened?

I think her filing the harassment claim means she did not want anything to happen and that leads me to believe you need to support her from that perspective. However, it was clear she was well over the line with the texting, maybe even more than she is admitting. And it is possible that she led him on once drunk too. Her boundaries are terrible. And that means you also need support. Your counselor does not get that so I would seek another.

For the SI community: What else can be done to hold the posom accounble, short of the beatdown he deserves?

posts: 573   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8734045
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