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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Fairly Juicy Stuff, Under time crunch and need advice desperately

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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:14 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

How did you get him blocked on dating apps?

posts: 4332   路   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   路   location: The Midwest
id 8733329
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EnPedasos ( new member #79857) posted at 5:34 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

laugh

I also wanted to take my tractor 馃殰 to pancake both their cars.

Then I remember that he鈥檚 the father of my children honestly that was the only thing that stopped me.

He and his family had already labeled me the crazy one, I鈥檓 not the type to care what inconsequential people think or say about me.

Fast forward 4 months and the Karma bus has been a bigger bitch towards him than I could ever be.

You would think it would make me happy but Nope I feel terrible seeing him going trough so much 馃く

I have to fight the urge to help him out. sad

Dd was 12/15/21. Me BS 43Him WH 43
20 years 14M 18DD 8DS

You can ignore reality but you can鈥檛 ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

"Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides." 鈥揂ndr茅 Malraux

posts: 28   路   registered: Jan. 30th, 2022
id 8733331
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 5:51 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Hi all - had to hop in again :) As much as ghosting him is sounding better and better - in my particular situation it's tricky...with the recent surgery and heart complication. I don't want ANYTHING to make him try to reach out to me more, and ghosting him would actually have the opposite effect. He will think something has happened to me...instead of something that HE DID.

This is what makes this particular sitch all the more tricky and confusing. He won't focus on it as something HE DID, he'll think something happened to me. You know...because he cares sooooo much barf

Anyhow...that's why I'm thinking of showing up to the train station. No scene. Just the 'birthday present' and then I walk away. I'll be in a cloud of people before he realizes - plus he can't chase me because I think that's the last train for him that night anyhow. I would NEVER make a scene because that's NOT who I am (in public anyhow) and I will just want the eff outta there.

My (empty) suitcase and I will be a fart in the wind laugh

[This message edited by KeepsHappening at 5:53 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

posts: 13   路   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   路   location: England
id 8733337
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 6:05 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

What happens if he then chooses to NOT get on the train, and go to you.
You need to prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.

I don't know how giving him the info at the train station accomplishes what you want.

Why not just tell him you aren't going because of your recent surgery, and concerns about healing.
Then just send him an email with all the evidence that you want to share.

No matter what you want, you won't force him to realize what he did was shitty, or that he will stop and re-evaluate who he is as a person. Life doesn't work that way. He will stop when he is ready to, and not a second sooner. By drawing a firm line in the sand, and being done, you are cutting the drama and craziness out of your life.

Again your top focus should be you and your healing. Takotsubo is nothing to mess around with. Keeping stress low is important. Excise him from your life like a surgeon would cut out a tumor. Get the margins nice and clear, and then embrace the love and support of friends and family.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19250   路   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   路   location: St. Louis
id 8733341
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 6:08 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Btw...I just went and re-read some other posts. Posts by married people with children. I see how my problems aren't as dire as others...others on this forum are dealing with REAL and REALLY big things.

I now feel even more silly bringing my 'nothingness' here. I want to once again thank those who have responded - because it REALLY means the world to me. All of us are going through hell in our own ways. But it once again put my 'issues' into perspective. (I know the biding mantra here is no judgment and that has been so wonderful)

But I want people to focus on the others who REALLY need it. This is a great community and I want to reiterate my thankfulness. Thank you again. 鉂わ笍

posts: 13   路   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   路   location: England
id 8733344
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 6:13 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

No matter what you want, you won't force him to realize what he did was shitty, or that he will stop and re-evaluate who he is as a person. Life doesn't work that way. He will stop when he is ready to, and not a second sooner.

Tush - you are so right. This hit home. My 'altruistic' nature doesn't vibe with people like this, and this put it into perspective, once again. I can't make him see the light of day.

posts: 13   路   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   路   location: England
id 8733345
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annanew ( member #43693) posted at 6:32 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

We have some people on here who have done epic stuff. I've never heard any regrets. If you are led to do this, then you should do it!!!! It's a great way to reclaim control. I think the only thing might be not in front of his parents, only because then they will focus on that aspect and not on the harm done to you. If you can adjust so that the gift happens without them there, then that's preferable, but if not, then go for it.

Oh and yes I am assuming you are not trying to reconcile here. This is more of an epic ending sort of thing, I don't think there's any coming back from it.

He may or may not see the light but you will feel great. It's for you, not him.

[This message edited by annanew at 6:34 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2470   路   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   路   location: California
id 8733351
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:35 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I'm not suggesting you ghost him. Send him an email telling him to never contact you again,by any means,and if he tries,he will have legal consequences. And,then,when he does attempt contact, call the authorities and tell them he is harassing you. If you must,in that email, you can simply tell him you refuse to associate yourself with a cheater,and leave it at that.

How did you get him blocked from dating apps? He can always open another account, use another phone, use a different name when he signs up,etc.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:36 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

posts: 4332   路   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   路   location: The Midwest
id 8733352
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 6:37 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

T/J:

Send him an email telling him to never contact you again,by any means,amd if he tries,he will have kegal consequences.

OMG, Hellfire; that is the BEST typo I've seen in a long time! And how appropriate for the circumstances! laugh laugh blush

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8824   路   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8733353
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:45 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

If you want to have the last word, then take Hellfire's approach. It's straightforward, it lays out exactly why you want nothing to do with him anymore, it doesn't give him any opportunity to manipulate you, and you won't have to deal with any of the stress and potential unknowns of an in-person confrontation.

I'm also curious how you got him blocked from all of his accounts. I didn't think that was even possible.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 735   路   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8733355
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:24 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

OMG, Hellfire; that is the BEST typo I've seen in a long time!

I really need to proofread my post,before submitting them. laugh laugh

posts: 4332   路   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   路   location: The Midwest
id 8733362
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 7:34 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I'm also curious how you got him blocked from all of his accounts. I didn't think that was even possible.

since a lot of people seem to be curious about this...

They now use facial recognition for everything. You have to verify your account by posting a picture OF YOURSELF making a very specific hand gesture.

Yes, he could use a different phone number. But they now also block by device.

But if you try to upload any photos that look LIKE you (let alone some of the same photos)...insta-block.

It was actually quite a feat for me to make the fake profile to catch him...but (barely) easier because I used photos that I'm positive have never been associated with a person on the app before.

But if HE tries to get back on....probably not gonna happen.

And the apps take these accusations (and proof) of infidelity and misleading other women VERY seriously. And thank God they do. But I provided a LOT of proof to show them that he was in a committed relationship and was misleading women.

Regarding Anna's comment....I'm an epic girl. I've had this happen to me numerous times before. And (probably sadly) my ONE regret was NOT taking back my power. I always slunk into the darkness and let them be as free as possible to do this again. NOT THIS TIME. This is purely for me, I am aware. But I want my power back and I want this a--hole to know I mean business and I will NOT go quietly. I'm glad people spoke up about the parents thing, because now I feel confident in my choice.

[This message edited by KeepsHappening at 7:35 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

posts: 13   路   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   路   location: England
id 8733363
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:50 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

There are thousands of dating apps. You've managed to block him from a few. Which is great! Just please understand,if that's his way of meeting women, he will simply join ones that he isn't blocked from. Not to mention there's Ashley Madison,and AFF, both of which thrive on married cheaters.

posts: 4332   路   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   路   location: The Midwest
id 8733386
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:57 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I get the whole "take your power back".

It was my best moment in my H鈥檚 continued affair. Dday2 plus false Reconciliation and his plan to D me for the OW all came to a head at once.

But I had my exit plan. And it was now time to execute.

I had saved enough $ to last about a year for me & kids if he never gave us a dime until I got child support & alimony. This took 6 months.

I had all my financials offsite and locked so he had no access. I had changed all life ins to me as account holder so he could not change the beneficiary.

I was ready. It happened in 2 minutes. Calm. Rational. Never cursed or yelled. I said to my H "I am
d you. I鈥檓 Sorry it has come to this but I have no other choice. You are free to go and be with the OW or anyone else you choose". And I left the room.

He starts begging to R. I refuse. But I did demand a post nup and he signed it. It basically excluded my assets from any D Negotiations.

I blindsided him. He had no idea I would ever stand up to him. Or D him.

He completely underestimated me.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733389
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 3:31 AM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

Can someone do the full beauty treatment on you if you go. Since we're daydreaming, hire a gorgeous male model to go with you and hand him the bomb.

The bomb won't change anything, we all know he'll be right back to it again asap. These bold cheats have no fear or remorse at all. I'm glad you are sparing the poor parents. I think ghosting just as good. Possibly more infuriating to him than the bomb. It will drive him nuts.

Oh man I'm glad you're wise to it and getting free of him. It's your party not his! Heal up and thrive. Plan something great for yourself.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   路   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8733471
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:19 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

Great decision, KH - both to have some fun planning revenge and deciding not to risk more pain. TBH, it took me 2 years to stop looking for revenge - and I stopped only because I lost hope of gaining revenge without too much risk of hurting myself.

You took 'kegal' to mean 'kegel', as in exercises, right? One epic thread from close to 10 years ago that I still remember consisted of members claiming to be doing kegels as they read SI posts and keeping readers informed of how many they did. Painpaingoaway started the count, as I remember. I think one current active member participated.

Some SI members have great senses of humor. Just sayin'.... smile

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   路   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   路   location: Illinois
id 8733563
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 5:34 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

But I want my power back and I want this a--hole to know I mean business and I will NOT go quietly.

I think you're awesome and think there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you're approaching this. I hope you don't mind updating us on the outcome. smile

You took 'kegal' to mean 'kegel', as in exercises, right? One epic thread from close to 10 years ago that I still remember consisted of members claiming to be doing kegels as they read SI posts and keeping readers informed of how many they did. Painpaingoaway started the count, as I remember. I think one current active member participated.

Right, KegEl. I remember those threads though I don't believe I was a participant!! laugh

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8824   路   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8733567
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Solarchick ( new member #80222) posted at 1:47 AM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

I know I am in the minority here, but I am all about taking your power back. In order for him to leave you alone, and not continue to play the role of caring BF he's in, he needs to know WHY you are ghosting him, and why it's a very good idea for him to leave you alone for the rest of your life. Like, cross to the other side of the street or turn around and run away ALONE for the rest of your life. I did not do a good job of taking my power back, and I still regret that 18 years later. Drop that bomb, baby, and walk away with your head held high and your back straight. And wear a skirt that makes your ass look incredible so he can see what he'll be missing while you walk away!

posts: 6   路   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   路   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8733629
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:49 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

The best revenge is to move on and live the best version of your life.

If your objective is to shame him to friends and family, it will likely fail.

Our collective experience (IMO) is that cheaters when confronted minimize, lie, and counter attack/turn it around on you.

Unless you have video of him having intercourse he will never confess when confronted. Even is he spent the night in a hotel room he'll insist they just talked (yes we hear that too).

Here's what he'll tell his parents and friends:

1 - She's crazy, controlling, paranoid. I know it looks bad but I was just enjoying the attention but never met for sex.

2 - I didn't think she cared if I flirted. If she loved me, she'd forgive me.

3 - She's been ignoring me/criticizing me/distancing herself (this list is endless) from me so I posted a profile just for fun and to receive no drama attention. It was just a nice ego boost. I never intended to meet for sex nor did I have sex.

Common sense is that all of the above are untrue but you won't be there to argue otherwise. Basically his friends and family will support him. And your friends and family will support you.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 2:50 PM, Thursday, May 5th]

posts: 2573   路   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   路   location: DC
id 8733673
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:07 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

Information is power. The best way to exercise power is to withhold information.

Not showing up when you're supposed to and not explaining why (and not responding to texts and phone calls) leaves him hanging and questioning his reality. Since that's one of the traumas that BSes - questioning their own reality - have to deal with, I think it's great to give the WS an opportunity to feel the same pain. You've got a chance to leave your ex hanging. If you haven't told his parents yet, let him explain why you're not there.

Wouldn't you like to be a fly on his wall when he starts to realize you aren't with him, but not because you had an accident that keeps you from communicating? I think the slow dawning that you dumped him is the best initial revenge. Follow that by living a good life without him, and you get more revenge than most of us get.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   路   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   路   location: Illinois
id 8733683
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