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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Fairly Juicy Stuff, Under time crunch and need advice desperately

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:53 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

I was about 21 and went head to head with my serial cheating BF who was also probably a narcissist too.

When I found out he was cheating I dumped him.

He’s calling me begging to get back together blah blah blah. He insisted I meet him. So I picked a crowded restaurant.

Sitting at lunch (workday) and he’s going on and on about me being the love of his life blah blah blah. I said nothing. Say there and ate my lunch.

After 20 minutes he asked if I had anything to say. I replied that he should eat his lunch before it gets cold. He was so furious he wasn’t going to get his own way he stood upand threw $ on the table and stormed out. I just sat there eating.

He continued to call me for many many months. I just ignored him. He was a jerk.

The worst thing you can do to people is not engage. It drives them batshit crazy.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733741
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 10:38 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

Try handling this as a wonderful "lady" instead of an angry woman. Practice good manners but also be honest. When you meet his parents and sit down with him turn to him and say I am so sorry to do this today because meeting your parents with something I dreamed about but I’m going to break up with you because you’re cheating on me and I can’t deal with that. Then get up and leave.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3296   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8733750
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 3:41 AM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

I haven't read all of the replies however I wanted to tell you I did the show up with him thinking I'm the other woman thing.

Total shock on my wayward husband's face.

Didn't stop him from cheating again, and again and.....

Another 12 years wasted.

I like your updated plan to meet at the train station.

Goodluck. Stay strong. You got this!

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24022   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8733789
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ShockedAndShattered ( new member #79685) posted at 1:50 AM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how it feels to want them to hurt and suffer just as much as they made you hurt and suffer. It's so tempting. But it really does nothing for your healing. It's just a lot of effort put into a person who doesn't deserve an ounce of your energy anymore. I wish you the best.

BS(me):42 WH:43 Married 3 years @ 1st DD
DDay 1- 9/11/2021 EA 5+ yrs & lies TT
DDay 2- 9/23/2021 EA 2+ years & lies TT
DDay 3- 10/17/2021 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs
DDay 4- 04/11/2022 Confirmed PA w/1 EA
Currently in R

posts: 19   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2021
id 8734048
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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 2:18 AM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

I just want him to THINK LONG AND HARD before doing this again.

He’s not going to think long and hard about doing it again.

He’s not going to give a shit about any manner of shock-and-awe-exposing-him you craft up.

No manner of humiliating exposure is going to get him to delve deep into his moral conscience and ponder what a profound wrong he committed against someone who trusted him and be a life lesson to never do it again and live with a new sense of empathy.

Not one bit.

In his mind, your past relationship history will be rewritten and you will simply be deemed an angry, hateful, and deranged person who attacked him and thus justifying his seeking “solace” with someone else.

And he will continue his life like nothing happened.

The best thing is to realize that NONE of this shit he does has ANYTHING to do with you.

ALL of his scumbag behavior resides within him and was borne solely within him.

Then, extract yourself completely from his life and carry on your life free of this pathetic Jerry Springer bullshit.

Also, take a deep breath and thank the universe that you never conceived a child with this thing.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 12:18 AM, Monday, May 9th]

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1205   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8734161
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 6:55 AM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

ONE regret was NOT taking back my power.

But you are… When you leave a cheater, you are gaining your power back. Your WBF will be stuck with a cheater all his life (himself), and will keep on ruining his life. You, on the other hand, refuse to be in a relationship with a toxic man, shaping your life for an happy future. You have your power, you are in control.

You got lots of good replies here. If you ghost him, you show that he’s not important. If you do a dramatic breakup, you are showing the power he had on you to hurt you…. He’s just not that important.

It would have been funny to tell him not to contact you on the dating app itself, but he’s banned smile . He’s not worth the effort to meet again. Send him an email stating that you are breaking up and never contact you again. He doesn’t even deserve to know why.

Then go with some friends and get some ice cream grin

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1533   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8734175
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 12:01 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

Sorry for taking nearly a week to update - but I definitely needed some days to be with my girlfriends, and also be alone and mourn.

BUT I DID IT!! He threw a little wrench into plans, but it still worked. I had to go to his flat first (looking FABULOUS - seriously - he couldn’t stop commenting on it either) because he had just flown back from his cheating tour in the States that morning, and was still (re)packing. Luckily he didn’t even try anything intimate because we were short on time (which I also planned - I got to his a little late to be sure). We got him packed and walked to the tube to the train because he lives one stop away from Paddington.

So we do our usual - get coffee. Sadly it was packed and there was nowhere to sit which wasn’t how I pictured it - but I told him before we were in front of his parents, I needed to give him a birthday present. I took video. I handed him the papers - it started with "On your birthday, I wanted to share some of my favorite messages from you." They were all about how perfect I was, how he loved how honest we could be with each other, how he condemned cheating, how much he loved me, blah blah blah. He couldn’t wipe the smile from his face as he was reading.

After a couple of pages, it then says:
You. Stupid. F***.

You could see the light leave his eyes. He looked at me dumbfounded. He just got hit by a train (pun intended). I told him he might want to read the rest of it on the train, and I walked away with my suitcase (that was filled with dirty laundry and soup cans for weight 😂)

I AM SO GLAD I DID IT. I felt/still feel powerful. It had the impact I wanted. I have the video where I can see his face FALL - and re-watching that has helped me when I’ve felt at my most low.

Of course, I’m heartbroken. We were buying a house, in fertility treatments for a baby….and I’m devastated that he ruined all our plans. But I’m SO GLAD I did it my way. I’m sure he will never change, but again - this was also for me. I have no regrets.

I blocked him on everything as I was walking away - but apparently I missed normal texting. (Over here, NO ONE uses the normal phone or normal texting - it’s all via WhatsApp. Normal texting and calling is expensive over here)

He sent me a message last week on Friday (he waited 48 hours, or it took him that long to discover that method). He’s soooo sorry. But it wasn’t remorseful. He didn’t say how sorry he was for hurting me or acknowledge anything like that. I didn’t reply and I never will. He will probably (hopefully) wonder if I even got it.

But it’s over now and I feel….well, I guess as ‘good’ as one can in this situation.

[This message edited by KeepsHappening at 12:20 PM, Monday, May 9th]

posts: 13   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   ·   location: England
id 8734319
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 12:15 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

Once again, to everyone who weighed in - thank you for your thoughts and/or support.

I still hate that so many people have to go through this. But I'm grateful for the community.

Re: the other 'dating apps' and how there's 100s others he can get on - not over here. People only use Bumble and Hinge (even Tinder has a bad rap). If he has to resort to anything else - good. But I know he won't.

Try handling this as a wonderful "lady" instead of an angry woman.

Cooley - I know you don't know me, but that's the ONLY way I handle things. :) If I was going to do the parents thing, I had even gotten them presents, and a bottle of nice wine they could open after I left.

And I know a LOT of people were of the "just walk away" camp because it doesn't do anything for your healing (in your words). I think a lot of us are very different - "my way" has already had a MASSIVE effect on my healing. I feel like I remained the strong woman I am, stood my ground, and reminded him who he was f*cking with.
I would've had massive regrets if I would've just ghosted him or said nothing (not to mention the ghosting would've massively backfired considering the surgery and stuff). I said everything I wanted, HOW I wanted, and that part of this shitty situation feels great.

posts: 13   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   ·   location: England
id 8734320
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:18 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

I’m glad it worked out for you. As you stated he’s only sorry he was caught.

At least you found out before you had to untangle with a house and children etc.

You are lucky you never have to see him again.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734321
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 2:46 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

I was always in the shock and awe camp - everyone is indeed different but you did it the way you knew would help you heal - good on you! And (((HUGS))) as you continue to heal, survive and thrive. Welcome to the other side and congratulations for making a swift exit out of infidelity!

Lala

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8824   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8734343
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 4:43 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

Congrats KeepsHappening! Wish I could have seen his face when you dropped the bomb!

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 207   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8734379
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