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Just Found Out :
Fairly Juicy Stuff, Under time crunch and need advice desperately

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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 1:22 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

This was written with haste - so my advance apologies for that.

A friend passed along this website on Friday night and I am SO GRATEFUL she did. I’ve been reading and hate that so many people go through this, but what a great community.

I’ll cut to the point because I have very little time left to confront my boyfriend and I desperately need your advice. I am a 41F, he is 41M (turning 42 on Thursday - in 2 days). I’ve never been married (engaged once) he is divorced, no kids for either of us.

First of all, I’m an American, living in London for the past 2 years. I have been suspecting for a while that my boyfriend was back on the dating apps – I kept seeing weird texts pop up from weird numbers with no contact info (he had a work and personal phone and said they were spam texts). And one day I saw a Tinder notification.

I JUST had a massive intestinal surgery on April 21, just got out of the hospital last week. He scheduled a work trip over this (to the US even) which pissed me off but I tried to see the positives in that I can heal while he’s away. Then he flies home in 2 days, we are taking a train for me to meet his parents for the first time, and his birthday is on Thursday. Then we were all supposed to vacation for 1 week together.

I made a fake Bumble profile and caught him. He swiped, he’s been "chatting" with the profile I made and I finally have all the proof I need. THE KICKER is just 2 weekends ago when I asked him about the apps, his reply, "Why would be on the apps and then take you to meet my parents??" So the manipulation is sooooo real.
He and I have still been texting and he thinks things are still normal between us. He even sent me a FORWARDED d--- video on WhatsApp - you can clearly see it's forwarded which means he sent it to another woman first. I want to vomit. (he got a little weird after that because i think he noticed it too - but i didn't let on)

I want to make him pay. I want him to have a birthday he will NEVER FORGET. I want him to think loooong and hard before ever doing this to another woman.

I am going to go on the trip – for one night. I have worked everything out with high-tailing it back home immediately afer I drop the bomb. I have printed everything off and am going to give it to him wrapped up as a present. In front of his parents. (I also got his parents a card explaining everything and how I was sorry to bring them into this, but explaining how upset I was, especially with the hospital, etc)

I know all of this sounds awful, and of course, it is. But I read a few times on here that you have to SHOCK the WS (even though he’s not a spouse) to get them to realize what they’ve done.

After this I will have blocked him on everything and submitted a report to Bumble regarding his cheating which will hopefully get him kicked off there.

I’m just looking for advice basically. My friends my age who have been through relationships with narcissists and cheating are cheering me on. But my younger friends who have never experienced this sort of pain are judging me pretty hardcore. I’m worried that probably all of you will tell me not to do this either. BUT I really want an epic ending that makes him think. And this is really my only option, unless I "get sick" before the trip, don’t go, carry on this façade for another ten or more days, and then he meets up with the fake girl in a few weeks, but instead it's me and my friends there to confront him.

But I physically and mentally can't carry this on for that long. I'm hoping someone might have a 'better' idea for me, or at the very least, tell me I'm not crazy for feeling this way and wanting to blow up his world and give him an unforgettable birthday.

*edited to add final 2 sentences

[This message edited by KeepsHappening at 1:27 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

posts: 13   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   ·   location: England
id 8733270
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:09 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I don’t like this idea simply because I think confronting him in front of his parents— who you never met and have nothing to do with his cheating— is extremely inappropriate and unfair. They did nothing to deserve being put in such an uncomfortable position. If I were in your position, I would never want strangers to see me lose my cool.

Also, revenge fantasies like this seem great in your head but rarely play out according to the script you imagined. For example, what if you expect him to be horrified and humiliated and his parents stare at him dumbfounded, but instead, he acts cool as a cucumber and makes you look and feel like a nut job? What if the reaction is pure hostile rage? What if his parents rally to his side? What if he gets perverse pleasure and amusement from the whole scene?

You also can’t plan for how you’re going to feel in react in the moment or how you will feel afterward. Maybe you’ll break down sobbing. Maybe you’ll lose your nerve entirely. Maybe instead of feeling satisfied and vindicated, you feel degraded.

Quite honestly, I think the best thing you can possibly do in this situation is ghost him. Don’t call or message him again, block him from every method of contact, and maybe even disappear and go on vacation by yourself during the time you planned with him.

While that might not seem as satisfying as a Law & Order-style "reveal," there are few things that are more humiliating and hurtful— especially to a guy who fancies himself a player— then to be completely discarded as if he were a greasy McDonalds hamburger wrapper.

If your motivation is that you want him to know you were on to him and that you weren’t tricked, trust me, he knows what he did and he will know why you cut him off. And it will really piss him off to think you cared so little about him that you didn’t even want his explanation and denied him the chance to manipulate you into staying.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 735   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8733278
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 2:37 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I definitely get that and very much see your point. And I also hear what you're saying about "best laid plans" - but I got a cab lined up for a specific time, to a specific train back home. I will have no reaction and not have time for one because as soon as he unwraps the present, I will plunk a bottle of wine on the table, tell his parents how nice it was to meet them, and be out the door.

Again - I came here for advice, and I knew this would be an unpopular method, and I still appreciate this. I am still thinking and definitely taking this into consideration.

I know we all want (or some of us) want our partner to see OUR FACE. To know that this had human consequences. That this wasn't something they did with no consequence...and I'm not sure he's smart enough to put 2 and 2 together.

This is what I'm struggling with. I know that ghosting him will probably 'bug him' for a few days...but I don't feel it's enough impact.

Again - I'm struggling with this, and 100% taking a beat to think about what you just said. Thank you.

[This message edited by KeepsHappening at 2:40 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

posts: 13   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   ·   location: England
id 8733281
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 2:44 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I'm in the "I think it's a great idea" camp.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8824   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8733282
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:50 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Old timer here, and honestly, I am going to disagree with Blue.

You get to make your own choices with your own life.
While you aren't married, I assume you are in a monogamous relationship with each other, or presumed it was.

I do think confronting him with only his team there could backfire on you, in a way that you will have zero support when it happens. But you do have a well thought out plan, and as long as that Cab is there when you need it you should be in good shape. But how absolutely sure it will be there? Can a friend come get you at a set time instead, I think having support to drive back to your home is important.

I also get not being able to hold it in much longer. I couldn't do that. I believe in dealing with things in the here and now, so I get that struggle to make it all seem normal until confrontation.

Also since you are recovering from abdominal surgery, I want to urge you to make sure you are caring for yourself.
If you aren't eating, get some high quality protein shakes, if you have access to Juven ( an Abbott labs product) get some and drink at least 1-2 packets a day, this stuff has been proven to improve healing, and decreasing time of abdominal wounds to heal.

Others will be along soon to offer a bit more advice, but it seems you have a good plan, just make sure you are your number one priority.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19250   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8733284
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 2:56 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I just see so many things potentially going wrong with this. You're just recovering from surgery, you're going to be basically in hostile territory as soon as you drop this bomb. I didn't catch whether or not you guys live together, I'm hoping the answer is no. I think what I would do is make copies of everything, mail him the copies, and tell him never to contact you again. Don't waste your time with this big confrontation, spend your energy healing and moving forward.

posts: 9496   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8733286
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 2:58 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

VERY MUCH MONOGAMOUS. We were going to a fertility clinic to try to get pregnant.

This is the highest and worst form of manipulation/deception in my mind. My friends made me watch the Tinder Swindler last night, and this is HIM. Minus the money crap.

Thank you sooo much for your concern. Seriously. I had a heart arrhythmia during the surgery and was diagnosed with "broken heart syndrome" (how apropos!)

I am definitely taking care of myself first and foremost...and I know me. I know that this is vindictive, but my life quote has always been "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

I just want him to THINK LONG AND HARD before doing this again. I know some people don't change, but I also feel the universe aligned this to his birthday for me for a reason. And...he said this to me when I was straight out of surgery, right before he flew out: "While I’m on my trip, I won’t be able to text much or be very responsive"

But he had allll the time in the world to be on apps and meeting up with women.

Already...thank you all for commenting. I'm seriously thinking all of this through. I'm a VERY strong woman and will stick to my guns if I go through with this. I know I can break down in the cab/on the train. (I actually have TWO cabs lined up and one has said they will text with me)

posts: 13   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   ·   location: England
id 8733287
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 3:11 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

We were going to a fertility clinic to try to get pregnant.

Oh. My. God. mad

My DD went through this - I know the extensive testing that has to be done for both mom and dad. He is not only risking your life, but the life of a potential baby. That's just beyond horrible.

Follow your gut, OP.

Hugs!

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8824   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8733294
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 3:16 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I'm gonna try to cut some of this off at the pass. You all have already given me such great advice and a lot to think about.

The 'parents' thing DID always bug me. And I think I got a good dose of reality here.

I've decided I'm just going to meet him at the train, as we always meet very early to have coffee and a snack before we go. We've never liked to be rushed travelers. I'll give him the present, let him open it, and walk off (with my empty suitcase in tow). He won't be able to follow me (and dear God I don't want him to) but it will be a very busy place and I will feel 100% safe. He can have a nice, long train journey to marinate in his thoughts. And then explain to his parents why I'm not there, which I'm sure will pathetically have something to do with my recent surgery - great excuse for him.

He will be blocked via every possible form of communication, and he will be gone for 10 days. This actually couldn't have happened at a better time.

Again - thank you for your quick replies already. This is what I needed.

posts: 13   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   ·   location: England
id 8733296
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 3:16 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I just want him to THINK LONG AND HARD before doing this again.

See, that's the thing. Self-reflection is not a strong suit with this type of person.

When I tried to reconcile with my ex, I told him that if he put me through cheating again it might kill me. He said he never wanted to do that to me again. Guess what? He did. And when he was passed out drunk, instead of beating him with a blunt object like I wanted to, I got in his phone and group messaged every single contact about what he had just done - that time made out with a girl at a bar when I was home on maternity leave with his son. Not my proudest moment but better than assault. You would think that would be a humiliating wake up call for him, especially when HIS dad showed up the next day to chew him out, but he was back on his bullshit in no time, and he's continued to treat his new fiancee/babymama the same way. Even calling ME for advice once, telling me that he didn't know why he cheated on her since he doesn't feel like he has a "cheater's heart." Seriously trying to make these guys have any kind of self-reflection is sort of like standing outside and yelling at the grass to stop being green. It's a total waste of your time and energy.

posts: 9496   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8733297
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 3:19 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

My DD went through this - I know the extensive testing that has to be done for both mom and dad. He is not only risking your life, but the life of a potential baby. That's just beyond horrible.

At LaLaGirl - I'm still trying to figure out how to reply directly - but thank you for this. It has been tough and something I thought meant everything to me/us (he wanted a baby as much as I did) and this is heartbreaking to me. I am....so broken right now. But my anger is still pulsating and driving me. I know that after meeting him tomorrow and when I show him everything I know, THAT is when I will finally break down and the healing will begin. I know I have a long road ahead of me.

[This message edited by KeepsHappening at 3:21 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

posts: 13   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   ·   location: England
id 8733299
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 3:20 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I just read your update, I think that is a much better plan. As a mother, and maybe this is different because my children are small, but even though I might change my mind on some reflection on what my child had done, in the moment witnessing a confrontation like that, my impulse would be to protect my child. I just don't think the original plan would have gone the way you wanted it to.

I'm sorry he put you through this, especially with the added complication of the fertility treatments. I can tell you that reproducing with a specimen like he seems to be would have complicated your life in many terrible ways, so please try to think of that as a dodged bullet. Big hugs to you and I wish you a speedy recovery.

posts: 9496   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8733300
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:21 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

know all of this sounds awful, and of course, it is. But I read a few times on here that you have to SHOCK the WS (even though he’s not a spouse) to get them to realize what they’ve done.

In my experience, he won't. This isn't a decade long relationship with kids, home, and family's intertwined. That's when radical disclosure can sometimes wake them up to what they are losing. He's already written you off and seems to be searching for a replacement. His life will go on without missing a beat.

You dumping him in front of his family isn't going to change that. If you had a relationship with his parents, maybe that would embarrass him some. But truthfully, he's just going to spin you off as a bullet missed. You will come off as a crazy bitter woman for putting the effort into this instead of just dumping his ass to the curb for his betrayal.

He likes playing the field. He's not worthy of further effort and is unlikely to see the error of his ways even after your planned public dumping. Personally, I'd get sick and let him travel to his parents alone. Then take that time to excise him from your life. Or exit before he returns. Getting yourself to NC and starting your healing as fast as possible is much better use of your time.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:21 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

posts: 1104   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8733301
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 3:38 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

To Blue, Lala, Jana, Tush, and Grubs - thank you. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.

This forum is amazing. The support and clear advice is wonderful.

You're right. You definitely gave me the clarity and reality I needed. I felt silly coming on here as we weren't married, but at our age - the plans we'd made (buying a house, fertility), everything - we may as well have been.

I know I've dodged a bullet here. I know more and more pain is coming my way tomorrow as soon as this is REALLY over. I'm ready for it (begrudgingly). I hate that so many people go through this, and I hate the people that are able to put us through this. This is my....4th time going through this? (i've lost count) and that was another kicker -he knew my past, and was soooo "disgusted and appalled" by the previous men that did this to me. Wow - they're so good at this, aren't they?

Thank you for your words. ❤️ So much love to all of you.

posts: 13   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   ·   location: England
id 8733305
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:44 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Why ever do you think his parents won't prepare him? My son is my little boy, even though he's older than you are.

Why ever do you think you will change him? You can't change anyone but yourself.

How about sending him the packet, telling him you'll have to talk after you meet him, keep up the comms until you're supposed to meet him, and then ghost him?

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I don't even want to imagine how much of a loss this is to you.

My advice is aimed at helping you decide what's best for you. Your 2nd plan is better than the first, but I think your energy is better focused on you and your health.

You can't change him. I get the desire for revenge, for hurting him. Hitting him with the hardest hurt isn't the best goal, IMO. The best goal is, I think, to hurt him the most with the least effort from you and with the least vulnerability to adding to your own hurt. Besides, if he's a narc, you can't hurt him anyway, except by getting out of his life and reclaiming your own. Protect yourself.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8733307
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 3:49 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Honestly? I can see the fun in planning something epic like that.

But I wouldn't want to give him another moment of your emotional energy and investment.

You deserve better. I would channel that energy towards healing YOU.

You're not married. Just walk away. You can get out of this so easily, without spending any more time or money. You deserve that peace.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 4 years) & DBF (dating 3 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 812   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8733309
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:54 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

He's not going to think about this before he does it again. He knows how you caught him,and he will just be smarter about it next time.

The strongest thing you could do,is not confront him at all. Send him a NC email,one that says if he attempts contact,you will call the police amd get a restraining order,and then block him. Refuse to speak to him if he comes to the door. Call the police.

That would be better than any kind of confrontation. To just cut him off with no explanation. He won't know how he was caught. He will have no chance. That will hit him hard. That will be the revenge you seek.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:55 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8733312
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 KeepsHappening (original poster new member #80281) posted at 4:15 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

sisoon, PTSI, and hellfire - you're all right. The fun was planning 'the epic' confrontation and I actually needed that these past few days as a distraction.It served its purpose.

But I'm glad to have the reality given to me by you all. Because this makes more sense. As of now, he's blocked on nearly all of the dating apps and he will be unable to continue doing this to other women via those means. I know I cannot stop him completely...but I can rest now knowing I did my part - as much as I could.

Thank you again to everyone. This community is amazing and I'm so glad it exists. ❤️

posts: 13   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022   ·   location: England
id 8733320
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:35 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Hey I’m all for some good revenge. But after you leave (after the big reveal) he’s only going to make you out to be the crazy one in the relationship.

You can "suddenly become ill" and decline the trip, and then have all his belongings packed up upon his return. Either you move out or he does. If you stay in the residence then change the locks.

Take $ out of any joint bank accounts. Close them or restrict his access. Same for any joint credit cards.

You don’t want him back — then after you make all the right moves you ghost him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:36 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733323
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 4:46 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Forget about making a scene. If you make a scene, the people who witness it (him, his parents, any onlookers) will look down on you for being mentally unhinged and bitter.

You will not become an object of sympathy, but rather, everyone will get very awkward around you and want you to leave.

Your cheater won't wake up to what he's done. He already knows what he's done. He's already justified to himself why he deserves to. He will tell his parents that you're a clingy, unhinged partner and drove him to look elsewhere.

In short, your plan WON'T WORK. It will also compromise your dignity. You need to keep your self-regard high as you process this trauma.

As other posters have recommended, focus on practicalities. Cut off communication with him, block his social media, separate your finances and everything else, etc.

Guys like this are egotistical. The biggest blow you could give would be to ghost him and never, ever communicate with him. Don't leave a note, nothing. Show him through your actions that he's a waste of time and expendable, and let him think it was so easy for you to walk away from him that you never even needed a closure conversation. That will hit him where he lives- in the ego.

[This message edited by morningglory at 5:03 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8733327
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