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This just happened, how do I even deal


 ThisPainIsReal (original poster new member #79814) posted at 7:19 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Hi everyone. I am still reeling from how the universe has just shat on me. Long story short, my pathetic loser H had an A with a co-worker back in 2019. Ended in the same year. I stupidly only found out on 1 January this year. He travels a lot for work and it all started from one of the destinations (let's call it X) they traveled to together. Anyway, they haven't got rostered to travel together since then, especially with covid and all.

However just a few hours ago, he found out that the freaking ex AP was going to be on the same travel pattern with him. Out of thousands of people in the company, she was rostered to be on the same travel pattern with him. And I totally lost it. It's like I don't get a freaking break. He couldn't call in sick or cancel because his job is at risk. He just spoke to his boss yesterday about how he needs to have the office not roster him for destination X since it was such a huge trigger for me. He had to tell his boss it was due to marital issues which he is seeking counseling for and it was already a big deal for him since it would affect his standing and future promotions in his company.

I have absolutely no sympathy for him because he made his own bed. But he told me if for some reason he is rostered to travel together with ex AP in any of his upcoming work related travel, he cannot call in sick because then his job would be at risk. I understand that and I took the risk. And it freaking blew up in my face.

So that's why I say that the universe has really shat on me big time. I know the likelihood is there that they get rostered together but shit, out of thousands of people?? And this soon while I'm still grappling with the truth everyday?? This will be the first time they are meeting since the A ended. I lost it and can't believe this has happened. I was screaming and crying my head off. The last 5 months I've been working so damn hard to recover and heal myself and now this shit happened. We have spoken about how he should handle the situation if he did meet her again for work. He is supposed to snub her and let her clearly know that she means nothing to him. But I dont even trust that he'll do that. I don't freaking trust him at all. How could I? After so many years of lies.

So now I'm a freaking mess and this has just taken me back a million steps. I can't even do shit about the situation. He is on a plane now with her as I write this and he would be in the same hotel for a few days once they arrive. All these thoughts and mind movies are killing me. Traumatizing me all over again. How do I even do this shit? I can't believe my luck. It's as if the universe is trying to kick me in the face while I'm already down and out. How am I supposed to handle this not knowing what will happen? He says he doesn't have any feelings for her anymore and she means nothing but fuck, they had a whole year of EA, shared so many things, trash talked about me with her, how can he not look at an ex AP and think about those good old times??? He said he will call and do his best to update me on his whereabouts and what he's doing but how can I even be sure of anything? That whore will go up to him, I'm sure of it. Like shit, she doesn't even know she has caused this whole shitstorm and made me this whole traumatized mess. Why the heck do I need to suffer through this shit and not them???

I feel like I can't win with even fate not siding with me. Like seriously how the shit does she even get rostered with him out of thousands of others? The universe just really wants to fuck with me. It just wants to destroy me or see how much more of this shit I can take.

For the record, I'm posting this in the R forum because I'm giving this marriage a chance (I have 2 young kids, plus I want him to suffer along with me - story for another day). But with all these setbacks, I really dont know how much more I can take for my own sanity. I've been attending IC but it only helps periodically since I'm a ruminator and it's still too raw in my mind. How do you guys handle your WS working together with ex AP? He can very well go down the same road again since he already knew how to sneak around and lie his way through before. Any advice appreciated. Thanks.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2022
id 8732754

DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 7:48 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Oh my goodness you are in a horrible situation
I can’t even imagine the hell you are in
You are in a no win situation
Given what has happened your reaction is normal. I would be panicking too.
I do wonder if it really was coincidence that they got put in the same travel roster
It seems suspicious
I would call him in the evening and FaceTime him and keep him on the phone all night
I think you need to set firm boundaries if this marriage is going to continue
You can’t live like this-you will harm your health and you need to stay healthy for your children
I am sorry that you are in this shitstorm

posts: 211   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8732761

Elle2 ( member #64338) posted at 8:02 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I would absolutely lose my shit too. My WH had an EA for over a year with a a COW(among others) and all the things you mentioned...the trash talking and the moments together....yeah it fucking hurts. I assume him getting about her job wouldn't be possible?
It does seem weird that out of that many people they get stuck together. Is it possible she requested it? Can they make requests? Would it be possible for him to request not to be with her for issues?
Honestly, I don't know what I'd do. They would probably all be too crazy. I'd insist he facetime all literally as he's sleeping. And when he's on breaks. I have a few more idea but I don't even want to mention them.
Regardless it's shit. And I'm sorry. Trust is really hard to rebuild and it doesn't happen over night. It takes years to get it back.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8732762

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:03 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Out of thousands of people in the company, she was rostered to be on the same travel pattern with him

This is not a coincidence. Somewhere inside you have to know that. That conversation with his boss didn't happen. You know that as well.

It's said around here, that as long as they continue to work with the AP, the affair continues. It seems highly likely the affair never ended and he just expects you to believe that this trip with her is a coincidence. It's not.

If he wants his marriage, he needs a new job. Right now. He can not continue to work with her much less travel with her. It's asking way too much of you.

Does her husband know?

Do some digging. I think you will find the affair never ended.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8732778

 ThisPainIsReal (original poster new member #79814) posted at 9:05 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Thanks, DailyGratitude and Elle2. I will make sure he does Face Time with not only me but the kids too.

They can't request to travel with each other. So no, she didn't request for it. I just got shat on by the universe, for real.

He just texted me from the flight and it looks like she is trying hard to get his attention. He said he went to the gate saying a general hi to all the other co workers traveling together, didn't make specific eye contact with anyone. So this shameless whore had intentionally gone up to him and another male coworker he was with, on the pretext on enquiring something for work. So he had to talk to her because it was work. Even though he already promised me he would snub her. I'm like wtf, he said he couldn't help it because it was really about work and told me in detail what was said and the exchange lasted only about 20 seconds. That's how I know she's using a whore tactic to make her presence felt since he didn't acknowledge her at the gate. Like ffs, how shameless can these bitches be??? I'm so freaking angry but I can't even do anything!!!!

I am 100% sure she will approach him as soon as they land and check in to the hotel. Our agreement was for him to snub her altogether but I told him if she doesn't get the point and still keeps coming over to him, he needs to tell her to her face that he doesn't want anything to do with her. Looking at how shameless she is, I don't know if she'd get the point. I don't even know if he'd have the guts to say that to her. He's always such a freaking hypocrite trying to be Mr nice guy with everyone. Especially with an ex AP who'd shared so much with him, how would I even know what he'd say. Omfg.

I asked him to tell me in all honesty how he felt when he saw her earlier.. he said fear, pain and destruction. I asked if there was excitement or did his heart beat faster. He said it did out of fear. I asked if he had fear because he can't reject her. And he said he'll do as promised, which is to tell her he wants nothing to do with her anymore.

I don't even freaking know anymore. Like fuck this shit really. I have been trying so hard to recover and now I'm dealt with this card. Seriously fml.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2022
id 8732779

Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 9:06 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

I am so sorry you are going through this. I remember your original post and how it hurt reading what happened.

If you haven't already, now you must, today, get a hold of the OBS and tell him everything. You never know, AP might suddenly call her boss and insist on getting out of this roster.

Reading your post from January one thing stuck out. Your H lies so much to you and seems to have such fine reasons why he lies. Please contact the OBS and see if you can line up your WH's stories with what his wife has been telling him.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8732780

 ThisPainIsReal (original poster new member #79814) posted at 9:12 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Hellfire, I saw his email to the boss. And I know the conversation happened. As for digging, I have access to everything and when he's not traveling for work, he is at home with us because he knows he fucked up and wants to make it up to us. So nothing he is doing seems suspicious at all.

I've also asked him to leave his job but it's so specialized that he doesn't have many options out there which would pay as much. Which brings me to the point of how I used to look up to his job because it feeds us and keeps us comfortable. But now I just look at his job in pure disdain. Infidelity really fucks everything up. So many things i can't look at the same way ever again.

I need to freaking function for my kids and I'm back at being a mess again after doing quite well the past few months. Wtf man..

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2022
id 8732785

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:12 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Travel with AP is a non-starter.

I tend to agree with Hellfire. If he put half the effort and creativity he put into the A into avoiding a rostering with the AP he would easily never be rostered with her again.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1903   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8732786

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:13 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

I just got shat on by the universe

No. Your husband did that.

Why is he supposed to snub her? Did he not send her a NC message? Shouldn't she already know she isn't to speak to him?

I also just read your post from January. Your husband has no problem lying to you. What work has he done to become a safe partner?

He should have gotten another job immediately. He seems way more concerned about the job than you.

Tell the OBS. Now. It's the single nest thing a BS can do after dday.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8732787

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:18 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Does he use a work phone?

I don't know. It seems highly unlikely that out of thousands of company employees, she just happens to get picked to travel with him.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8732793

 ThisPainIsReal (original poster new member #79814) posted at 9:28 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

No work phone. In fact, I've used a program to spy on his conversations on his phone just to make sure that he doesn't do stupid shit when he's away.

There was no NC. Because it happened in 2019 and I found out in 2022. They had stopped contacting each other by end 2019, according to him. I initially wanted him to do a NC but I thought it would backfire because it might stir shit up again. Hence no proper NC.

I have been playing it in my head how to break it to OBS since the initial days post DD. But I didn't because I decided by the 3rd month, I'd try R. My counselor said that it's for the better that not so many people be informed at this point as well because we are barely going into MC in a week's time and it won't be helpful at this point. But I know for sure if this heads south and I'm filing for D, I'm definitely gonna fuck shit up and inform not only OBS but AP's parents, brother and even her dog, all of whom I can find via social media because dumb bitches have their whole lives on the internet for all to see.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2022
id 8732796

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:33 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

Your IC couldn't have been more wrong.

You tell OBS because it's the right thing to do. They deserve to know. And,strategically, you tell because the more eyes on them,the less chance of it starting up again.

It's not too late to do the right thing.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8732797

Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 9:40 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

But I know for sure if this heads south and I'm filing for D, I'm definitely gonna fuck shit up and inform not only OBS

No. You want to inform the other spouse to prevent a new R or to end the present one if they have, in fact, been even slightly in contact. Do this today, don't even think twice.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8732800

DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 10:47 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

I agree. The OBS needs to know. ASAP
Especially the AP sounds like a vulture. She has no shame, guilt, or remorse because she got away with the A.
She will cheat on her spouse again in the future. He needs to know. It’s the right thing to do.

posts: 211   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8732806

LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 5:15 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

You have to try and see it a different way. Maybe this is a test for him. To see how he responds if he is ever to meet her again. I guess if he is checking in and constantly reassuring you and video calling and talking to the kids then hes doing the best he can. wouldnt you agree?

I have read your original post and truthfully youre still in a very dark place. Youre in the early stages of the aftermath of an affair and youve got a long way to heal. You said in your original post that its not practical for him to leave his job becaause of the salary etc but I guess you agreed to it and that he should remain in the same company. So whether its out of a 1000 or a million people they are still bound to meet becaause they work in the same company.

You said in your original post as well that you have tolerated him all this time and you will hate him till the day you die. You run 99% of the household and all he does is bring home the bacon and you said he has even failed at that. You have called him a loser and also a dog. You said he lies through his teeth and you will never trust him ever again till the day you die. Are sure you want to reconcile only for the bacon? Will you be able to tolerate him for the rest of your life? You need to think about yourself too. You have to live your life for your own mental sanity. He will have to pay for the children anyway if you decide to divorce.

You mentioned that this was an EA. I think you need to really look into this. ive read so many posts where spouses have lied for years saying it was emotional and then after years they finally admit it was a physical affair. Please do read one of the recent posts about an individual who found out 4 years later that her H had a full blown physical affair. she always had a guy feeling it was physical and kept asking him. I only say this because you said your H is a compulsive liar. These liars will get away with lying about everything if they could. You also didnt mention in your original post that they travelled together to destination x before but in this post you did and it seems like they may have travelled to the same hotel. Ill be honest with you I think youre being a little naive believing it was only emotional. Almost every time an affair ends up being physical. Human beings cant help themselves. When the opportunity is given they take it.

One of the reason your angry is because you dont trust him. I completly understand. You had said you will never be able to trust him ever again because of everything thats happened. I think if you are trying to reconcile you need to learn to trust. Not blindly ofcourse but trust that he will come back to his family after this business trip. You have agreed that he needs to keep this job and he will probably meet alot of friendly females on his business trip so you need to learn to trust otherwise youre only hurting yourself by getting angry. You just have to get on with your day with your children and just focus on your healing and them. Your H is coming home to you and the kids from the business trip.

If you believe that the ex Ap is trying to communicate with your H and she is being shameless and wont leave your H alone then i agree with the others its time to tell the obs. Youve seen all their life stories online and so maybe just to put your mind at ease and also make her suffer a little maybe you should message the other bs. This might stop her from being so easy and flirtatious with other peoples husbands.

While youre at home alone please reflect on the reasons why you want to be in this marriage. If its only for the kids and the bacon is it really worth it? There is so much more to a marriage. You deserved to be loved and adored! Wishing you all the best.

posts: 109   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8732858

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 2:29 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

The universe didn't do this to you. Fate didn't do this to you. Your husband did this to you. Call the AP all the names you want (sure, they're probably true), but she did not rape your husband. He wanted the affair he had with her. You don't seem to have internalized that fact.

R can't happen when he's still in contact with the AP, due to both temptation for him and anguish for you. That means he has to give his boss an ultimatum: "I can't be rostered with her or I'll have to resign to save my marriage." Yes, he's supposed to put his marriage ahead of his job. Anyone in this situation who really loved their spouse would. It's part of genuine R. He's a grown up and can find another job. Yes, that's hard work but people do it multiple times throughout their career, and it's an integral part of genuine R when the affair was with a co-worker.

You need to get your own job now. A real job, not a little part-time gig. Three reasons:

1. It will take financial pressure off your husband so that you both aren't so concerned about what he earns, to the exclusion of what is needed to rebuild your marriage.

2. You need to be ready to become independent in case your marriage continues to go downhill. Face it, your husband has cheated and divorce might become necessary, and it isn't the end of the world if it happens. At least you'd be able to stop agonizing over his infidelity.

3. It will help get your head out of the clouds. You've been wishing your husband's betrayal away, wishing that you were genuinely living the dream of being a lucky, secure SAHM whose husband is devoted to her and who will always have this status and lifestyle. You need to face the reality that your marriage is perilously insecure, and also that you should not have any more children with him until full, genuine R has been achieved (a process that could take several years).

Once you stop denying reality and start taking charge of your life, you'll find that the universe, and fate, will seem to get nicer to you.

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:00 PM, Saturday, April 30th]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8732889

 ThisPainIsReal (original poster new member #79814) posted at 4:41 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

First of all, thanks to everyone who has replied. I appreciate all the different voices and opinions I get. I had about 2 hours of sleep last night, cried quite a bit but have since calmed down enough to be functional again.

To those who opined that I should call the OBS, you're right. I am in the midst of writing an email to him. After which I plan to speak over the phone with him.

I just got off a video call with my H (oh and I don't only call the AP names, my H gets it so much worse. I've been calling him to his face things like, a piece of shit, dumbshit/dumbfuck (I like variety), pussy ass wimp, pathetic loser etc and I have used the f word so much since DD that I can't believe I can even swear so much!). Being a BS brings out the most foul side of me. Added with the anger, H has been getting insulted almost on a daily basis especially when I'm overcome with anger. I am definitely in a very dark place. For the record, I know my H is 100% to blame for making the choice to cheat. But that doesn't mean I don't hate that whore AP too. Them 2 mofos deserve to burn in hell for what they did, the murderers they are.

So the kids and I have been video calling him periodically the entire day. Nothing unusual so far. Ever since that little show where AP had to make her presence felt by going up to H to ask work-related questions, H said she hasn't approached him. I am surprised at this point but they are still there and there are still opportunities. And yes, if I look at it differently, it's a great way to gauge how H's response has been. He said he hasn't made eye contact or even looked her way, hanging out with his male coworkers. She approached 2 of his coworkers to say that she and her team mates were going to have lunch and if they were interested, they could join too. This was said at the lobby of the hotel while they got their room keys, in the presence of H who was standing just a short distance away. The invite was also meant for him but he said he couldn't be bothered going because he already knows what he's supposed to do. Snub. The new SOP from me is for him to only be courteous on a work basis to his female coworkers and to only hang with the guys. From what he has described, I think AP seems to be trying to seek attention, taking it upon herself to invite them when there were 11 other people in her team who could have done that. So, I can totally see how shameless she is now.

However, so far, it has been an anti climax especially since it started with her intentionally making contact. I was 100% sure she would have approached him but he said he has also been very intentional by avoiding her and not making contact. I have also spied on his phone the entire day. It is clear so far. So, I'm surprised but like I said, she may still make contact as she has another day to go before leaving. H is leaving the day after. On his part, just to ensure he completely avoids her, he has been holed up in his room the entire day, ordered room service and watched Netflix. Verified because kids and I have been randomly video calling him the entire day. Anyway, I told him if AP knocks on his door or calls him on the room phone, he has to video call me right away so that I can see how he's reacting. I don't trust him, I'd rather see it with my own eyes. He is agreeable.

Oh and yes, I've read all the posts on BS finding new info after 3, 4 years. That makes me fearful. But the reason why I'm not even 100% sure whether they had a PA or not is not because of gut feel. In fact, my gut seems to tell me they didn't. It's the trust issue. I just don't trust him anymore and doubts everything he says. Hence the not 100% sure.

On the issue of being in a dark place since everything is still so raw to me, I have many times wished that both of them were dead. Like I wish that if they don't die, they'd at least suffer miserably in life. They both don't deserve anything good in life for what they did. I'd think thoughts about how I wouldn't even bat an eyelid if AP accidentally gets run over by a car. That'd just be poetic justice. The same with H, the hatred for him and what he did is still there and if he got run over by a car and died, I'd be sad for the kids for losing their dad but I'd be ok otherwise I think. These are stupid wishes, but maybe if I willed them to happen, they would. Heck once I found out that they were on this travel pattern together yesterday, I started thinking about a plane crash. Dark, I know. And I've never been this way before but being betrayed brings about oh so many types of emotions that I never even knew existed or could be mixed altogether. Unprecedented. That's why I'm not the same person anymore and will never be the same again.

Which brings me to my next point. I wanted to start a new post on this for a while now but been trying to carve one out properly. I'll just include it here. By about the 3rd month post DD, when I was still deciding to either to R or D, while I was telling myself I need to stop crying already because I have cried like mad for a couple of months by then, a light clicked in my head. For the first time, it became so clear to me that I should R. Why? Because why should I get a D and be that struggling single parent with 2 young kids, while he will be free to do whatever he wants and fuck around? Why should I give him that freedom? He needs to pay and be punished for what he did. And who better than me to punish him, right? He owes it to me and the kids for life now and he has to pay for what he did. So I should stay. Even if it's just out of spite. Plus yes, I don't want to D because of my young kids. It's very twisted, the staying out of spite thing and my counselor said I have to work through that. But I know for a fact that I can't depend on anyone but myself for my happiness. So my challenge now is just to make sure the situation I've put myself in with him is liveable, in addition to just focus on myself and make myself happy. That is what I need to figure out. Not sure if it can even be done but hey, I didn't even know of so many emotions until I got smacked in the face by infidelity. So maybe I can be happy and spiteful at the same time. Never know. Of course, these will all come to nought if he suddenly decides that he wants a D. But for now, I know I have the upper hand.

Thanks for reading my rants, you guys. I'm exhausted from lack of sleep, so maybe my post actually sounds all cray. I appreciate all responses though.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2022
id 8732908

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:04 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

Has your H talked with his HR department? They could make sure they don't work together again. If they've been on one team that worked, management is likely to put them on other teams together in the future, unless they know it's a bad idea.

I was a road warrior for too long. Your H may not be lying about it's being an EA, but if they were in hotels in the same area or in the same hotel, it was awfully easy to share a bed.

R as vengeance? Do you really want to do that to yourself and your kids? A good lawyer might be able to get you a settlement that doesn't leave your H much money to play with. With maintenance and child support and your own earnings, you might end up better off than he is.

One says and thinks unthinkable things in the period just after d-day, and that period can last many months (and even stretch into years), but they're cries of pain, not expressions of what one really wants. If you still hate him, I know you have a hard choice in front of you, but I don't see how living with a man you hate can be good for you or for your kids. JMO, of course.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:05 PM, Saturday, April 30th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8732913

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 6:46 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

You keep posting all you want Dear Lady. If nothing else...we're here to listen!

Everyone has given you great advice...and I was thinking the same thing LIYA13 posted...but I do want to add a few things.

You wouldn't be able to track a burner phone. many Betrayeds have had this happen to them.

Gently...if you believe the adultery co-conspirator had ANY part in getting this to happen...then your CHOICE to not tell the OBS very well could have been a contributing factor in this happening. She felt protected by her BH not snooping into her instigating this.

So many Betrayeds who didn't tell the OBS REGRET not doing so.

Your WH has a choice to BUILD trust on this trip. I hope he chooses wisely.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6031   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8732932

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:15 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

You should have him take a polygraph when he gets back. You deserve to know if this was ever physical, and what really happened during this trip.

I'm glad you are telling OBS. Don't tell your husband. At all. Of he says anything to you,you will know he is speaking to her about personal matters.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8732957
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