This just happened, how do I even deal (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Monday, May 2nd, 2022
World turned upside down
Hi everyone. I have been married 17 years with 2 young kids. Marriage has never been easy but I tolerated him, especially after we had kids. He travels a lot for work. I found out on new year's, 1 January this year. Some messages on an old phone that were inadvertently saved without his knowledge. I confronted him and the first thing he said was that it was "nothing". Not even an apology first. He did later apologize but well, first reactions matter a lot. At least he admitted to it, I suppose.
The affair happened almost 3 years ago, lasted about 4 months. He said that he was in a bad place and we were not communicating. So he was weak and unhappy. She is a coworker who still works at the same company. They met while they traveled for work, he found her attractive and pursued her. She is 12 years younger, married as well. He kept telling me that they connected emotionally, as they confided in each other about each other’s marriage troubles, and pretty much bonded over that. He said they never had sex because it did not get to that level of intimacy and it ended because they could not make enough time to talk, since both have different traveling schedules. They went out twice when they were back home locally, for movies and meals, walked around enjoying each other's company. The messages I found showed that he had begged to hold her hands, while she had mentioned that she did not want to risk being seen doing that, knowing both of them went into the affair being married to different people. The bunch of messages I found were ones which already started showing cracks and they were complaining about not talking enough, even as they wanted to try and work it out. He told me that it was an emotional outlet, something to distract him. They spoke a lot over video calls and messages especially when he was away, in hotels. After the first meeting when he got her number and they had fun chatting with each other, they never managed to meet up while they were away again due to the different schedules. It ended because they were not on the same page, he wanted a more permanent set up to talk to her more frequently, but she was more chill and just wanted something easy and not complicated. He said nothing came out of it and that was that. I asked him how long he took to get over it, he said about 2 months to get over, not so much her but he was sad that he lost an emotional outlet where he could release his problems and pent up issues.
My world crumbled when I first read the messages. I remember feeling very faint. He was away then and all I could do was confront him over the phone. I screamed and cried, I went nuts. I didn't sleep for days and had absolutely no appetite to eat. I didn't dare to tell my own family and only confided in a friend and a distant cousin. My kids had to witness my falling apart and I feel so sorry for them. Up till now, 3 weeks later, the one thing I found to be totally incredible was the fact that he had the balls to do this to me. He never had the balls to say no to his parents, no balls to defend me in any situation all this time and yet, for an affair he did. And to me. He had never made any effort as well to do anything for the kids nor for me. And yet, for the affair, the effort he made to sneak around behind my back, all those nights when I was asleep and he was awake using his phone to chat, to lie through his teeth for the past few years, being a total pussy and not even admitting to me what he did until I found out. That is probably the part that I find hardest to accept.
When he did come back a few days later from traveling, after I found out, he kneeled, begged, grovelled at my feet. I told him that it was over between us, that I had absolutely no faith, no trust, no respect, no love for him. I initially thought that he would make it easy and just agree to a divorce, which I wanted. But since then he has kept saying that he will never consent to a divorce. He wants to keep the family together and wants to make it up to me and the kids. I told him to get the heck out of the house, but he pleads to stay by the family's side. He offered to change his number, which he did. A number he has had for 20 years. He let me go through all the contacts on his phone and deleted all the ones I was uncomfortable with. He agrees to a total lifestyle change, where he would only communicate with females at work on a cordial basis. He has already cut ties with her since the affair ended early 2019. He wrote the kids and I a pledge, about how he would put the family first from now on and will never make the same mistake again. He agrees to update me as much as he can during his travels for work. That we can video call him anytime. He said he would do anything to keep the family together and will try to win me back but I need to give him time to prove his sincerity.
It has been a very, very difficult 3 weeks. I break down and burst into tears at random times. Some days I'm angry, some days I'm sad. But the hurt, it's always there. Sometimes I vent on him, insult and belittle him, call him names, tells him he is worse than pond scum, that he is unworthy of the kids and I. That he is a pussy for chasing another woman just because we had problems. Rather than talking it out with me, he chose the other path. That I would never stoop as low as him because I know my responsibility as a mother of 2 kids. That he was thoughtless and selfish, not thinking about us at all. I provoke him by telling him that he was already willing to risk it all by cheating, knowing very well he could lose the family. He said things have changed since the affair. That covid opened up his eyes, as he had to be stuck at home with us and realized that he cherished us more than anything, that our relationship has never been so good till he was forced to be at home with us. I agree to a certain extent that covid times brought us together as we are now closer but it is not as idealistic as he makes it in his mind. I still had to tolerate him in many ways.
He is off for work, traveling again now. Will be gone for a week. The last few days since I have been left alone with my wandering thoughts have been awful. I'm a thinker by nature and all these sordid details I found out about what he did and spoke about with her, keeps playing in my head. I found her on social media as these dumb young bitches have their whole lives on the internet. I can see how her whole family, including how her husband looks like. I could send messages to them all if I wanted to. But I think at this point, I'll sort out my own mess first before I go there. Maybe one day I'll confront her. I keep thinking that her poor husband deserves to know as well. The both of us should have kept a tighter leash on our dog and bitch. While my husband was a total dog for trying to start something, she was also a total bitch for responding to his advances. Both have no conscience and morals. But yes, right now, I need to sort myself out first. The kids and myself, we are priority. I don't freaking care about anyone else. My kids are my life and I hate my husband till the day I die for doing this to them. For damaging us and causing us this unnecessary trauma. It'll be for life. My eldest kid knows what's going on, he grasps the reality of it and is perceptive enough to know that I may get a divorce. He is sad that our family may be no more and has cried a few times in front of my husband as well. My husband said it breaks his heart. Well, he should have thought it through before he went down the path of infidelity.
I have tried to find out more information on the legal side of things. I attended a program on what to expect after divorce, the impact on the finances, living arrangements, children, co parenting. I have not decided what to do, on some days I lean towards a divorce, on others I think about the kids and wonder if I want to do this to them. I have been giving a lot to the family as a homemaker, I take care of the entire household, I handle 99% of what the household and kids need. All he had to do was bring home the bacon. He only had one job and even then he failed. He is such a loser. I have always placed priority on everything else in this family, now I wonder if I should place myself first for once and just get the divorce. I am trying to cover my bases by finding out more on the legal side of things. Will probably talk to some people soon. Hate that I am moving so slowly but at the same time, I want to give myself time to grieve as well. This is the biggest trauma I've ever experienced in my life. Completely undeserving and unnecessary. I never asked for much in my life, all I wanted was to have peace and be contented with my family. But this has rocked the very foundation of what I thought was an OK family life. It was never perfect but it was ok and I was alright with that. Now, everything is gone. Down the drain. Things will never be the same again and knowing myself, being a thinker and someone who doesn't forgive nor forget easily and would bear grudges, this is going to be one very long journey to healing. To ever finding happiness again.
My questions, if anyone could also share through experience or if anyone has any sound advice:
1. My guts as of now say that I will never be a able to accept this and move on in this marriage. It is too difficult for me at this point to not have hatred for him. I have nothing left for him as he broke me completely. Hence I am leaning towards a divorce. But at the same time, I don't know if that's the best route to take. How would I know for sure? How long do I give myself to think this through so that I don't make a mistake?
2. Even if I stayed, things will never be the same ever again. Everything is broken. We are damaged. I will never trust him again. Even all those things he said about making amends and the steps he is taking to prove himself, even if he was really sincere, all I see is him spewing bs. I know that I will not have anything to contribute to the marriage anymore. I'm done. I have nothing left in me to give. Since he wants to make amends, I will only sit back and watch. How do I even trust that he will never cheat again. Once a cheater, always a cheater right? That's why I need to find out if I can draw up a legal agreement to have everything transferred to me in case he ever cheats again. He said he is willing to sign it just to prove he wants to make it work. I don't know how well it'll hold up in court though. It'll be like a prenup, but we are already married with kids. I feel like I need to do everything I can to protect the kids and myself. But until I've decided what to do, this is just another option. How do I know if I am making the right decision should I stay? I can't even trust him anymore. Do I just go with blind faith?
3. I feel like I'll never get over this and will hate him till the day I die. Some days I just want to slap him. Others I wish that both him and that bitch get burned for what they did. They deserve the karma. I hope she gets cheated on one day and then she'll know how it feels like. I was advised not to give too much power to her being though, to not look her up online etc, as she doesn't even know that she is causing this much pain. So why bother. I'm mentally struggling with this since I found out. How do I deal with all this emotions? It's eating me up inside. I have started to eat again and even do some workout but the heaviness on my chest. It's always there. One day, I woke up at 4am and started thinking these awful thoughts and I really physically wanted to throw up. I have been on the brink of suffering from anxiety disorder and this really messed me up even more on top of that. How do I deal with myself?
4. I keep having these thoughts in my head. How do I deal if we ever bumped into that bitch? It is likely as they are still working in the same company. He is earning a good salary and as much as I want him to quit, I think that is not practical. If I went down the road of divorce, I would need to make sure he pays his alimony properly. But yes, how do people ever deal with accidentally meeting the home wrecker? I play it in my head and it's ugly. I honestly don't know what I'd do. Just turn and walk away? Ignore? What do people even do in situations like that?
Sigh. My thoughts are everywhere. So I hope someone would be able to help me reorganize somehow. This is by far the shittiest thing that can happen which I never thought would happen. Right on new year's too. So I already know this would be such a wonderful year ahead. Not.
Thank you for reading. I welcome any thoughts and advice. In the meantime, I will stay hurt, angry, upset and sad. All at the same time.
11 comments posted: Saturday, January 22nd, 2022