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General :
This just happened, how do I even deal

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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:15 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

I don't want to D because of my young kids.

Staying with a cheater does not benefit your kids. It teaches them that this is the way they should behave as adults. Do you want them to grow up and have the marriage experience of yourself or your husband? Keep staying with him as he continues to cheat, and you pave the way for that. Children learn from observation far more than they learn from your words.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8732967
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 ThisPainIsReal (original poster new member #79814) posted at 1:36 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Morning glory, I neither want my kids to have my or my husband's marriage experience. It sucks either way. Being a BS is the absolute worst thing that has happened to me. While I don't care about his feelings, I'm sure H is going through his own hell as a WS. I know I would if I have to live with being insulted often by my spouse and a black cloud hanging over my head for the rest of my life just because I chose the wrong path. At least I think that's what a WS should be feeling.

"Keep staying with him as he continues to cheat..."? I don't know where you're getting that because I have no evidence that he has continued to cheat since it ended in 2019. Heck I think in some ways, I had hoped I would find something but I really have nothing so far, nothing since end 2019. Sometimes I wish I could find something recent so that I can just expose him to everyone and just be done with it. But no, I am only going for R because I know it has stopped. I'm not so dumb as to keep even a spiteful marriage up if he was still very much in the A. I wouldn't be able to live with that for sure.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2022
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LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 11:10 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Your reasons for reconciling is not healthy for you. If you stay with him you will be only punishing yourself don't you think? Do you really want your children see you both miserable and you constantly calling him all these nasty names.  Ofcourse well deserved! But I worry that the kids will pick up on this and that they will think it's OK to treat their spouse like that. I agree with others. Children follow by example and you want to try and be the best example. Even if you end up being single you will try and the best person you can to your children. Also I don't think you will be worse of financially as your children will get the alimony they need and through the evidence  of your husbands cheating you will get the best divorce settlement. So you might actually be better off. You need to speak to a specialist and they will advise you better.

You need to be kinder to yourself. Do you really want to be with someone you have settled for and tolerated your whole life? Do you think anythings going to change? You've never trusted him it seems and I'm sure you have your reasons but the trust needs to be there if you choose to reconcile. You need to do things you enjoy and love. Do things for yourself and he needs to step up and be a father and take part in household chores and bringing up the children. It's a 2 parent job. Bringing home the bacon isn't enough.

Don't shed anymore tears on this guy. its time to take control of your life and yes you do have the upper hand. Use it to your advantage. By staying with him youre kind of saying that he has a chance at this marriage. Is that something you want? Or do you want him to stay for the kids and money only? Decide what you want. It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow or even a few months. Give yourself a date maybe in 6 months time and if things haven't improved and he hasn't stepped up and he's being the same sore loser  he is then I'm sure you will come to a decision yourself. Co-parenting is possible. People around me are doing it. They seem so much more content on their own then being with someone they hate and cannot stand.

Also don't worry about the sleep. ive suffered from insomnia since 5 years ago hence sometimes im awake at 3am reading stories and artticles. There will come a day where you will start sleeping like a baby again. Be good to yourself. Make sure you're taking care of your health and message all you like. I find that writing things down alwayd helps.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8733004
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:43 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

He needs to find another job if your marriage is going to survive. That should be a bare minimum requirement for staying married.

Your husband doesn’t care nearly as much about your pain as he does about how your discovery has disrupted his life. I say your discovery rather than his affair because he clearly wasn’t terribly concerned about his marriage or career trajectory when he embarked on his affair.

You obviously can’t tie him to a chair and keep from going on the trip. But if he insists that he is going, let him know he needs to book a hotel for when he gets back.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:51 PM, Sunday, May 1st]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 737   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 3:57 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

I too think he needs to find a job. It’s not worth going through all this. I hope he is remorseful and working on himself. I’m not sure marriage counseling is the way to go have you both had individual counseling yet? When I am reading your posts I can see myself. I was a punisher too called xWS any name that stuck. I hated him sometimes I still do and we have been separated 2 years. I hope you can switch the focus to your healing and less wanting to punish. Also it may have been a dealbreaker. I believe my xWS A was, I never got over it or how he handled the aftermath.

My xWS AP was an employee and I made him fire her. What I didn’t know is that he had a burner phone that allowed them to take the A underground for 2 more years. I told the other BS , I exposed the A, none of it stopped my xWS. He was shameless and so was she.

I stayed and punished my xWS for 5 more years in limbo. It was the worst hell of my life until I pulled the plug.

Definitely let OBS know so you have all eyes on the APs. There are no guarantees of course for an A to stop.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:01 PM, Sunday, May 1st]

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8211   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8733024
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:16 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Other than your anger,what consequences has he had?

What work has he done to become a safe partner?

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
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 ThisPainIsReal (original poster new member #79814) posted at 2:31 AM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Thank you to all who have kindly given your advice and opinions. Fully appreciated.

I realize that my reason for staying is not healthy, of course. That's why I have to work through it with my IC. I have been in IC since a few days after DD. I was never one to believe in therapy but I'm glad I got help as early as I could. He has just started IC recently and we will start MC in a week or so. The reason why we're only going into MC now is because I've told him the past few months that I don't want to rush into MC since I was undecided to even want to R. He has been asking for us to do MC for a while now, as we're obviously not on the same page. I find that a WS, unless very much in tune with the BS's emotions, cannot possibly understand the pain and trauma that comes with the shitstorm they've created. I'm hoping that his IC will kick him into position but he's barely had a couple of sessions. So it's still too soon. He initially thought he didn't need IC, although he was open to it. I often wish that he would one day, in whatever way possible, experience what I've gone through plus a million times more.

In addition to the kids and money, my main reason to R is definitely spite. Since I'm responsible for 99% of anything in the household, I have all the access to the finances. I'm the one who's in charge of where the money goes in and out of. Heck I know how much he's earning and when his paycheck comes in better than he does. I file his income tax for him every single year. He's never had to do it. I think that he's taken for granted that I'm capable of doing everything for him, hence he never had to worry about anything. I take care of the kids 100%. The kids thrive because of me. Leak on a ceiling at home? I call the plumber. Heck usually if a problem like that comes in and he's traveling (and usually that's how it is fml), I would have already sorted everything out by the time he came back from his work travels. When he came home, I let him rest because it's tiring being the sole breadwinner, i know. I was a considerate wife. Not the easiest going but considerate nonetheless. He knows I run the house well and he doesnt have to do anything. And looking back, this is my fault. I enabled him. I took over and did everything because I've always thought he was incompetent and can't do anything right. For me, if I want something done right, I'll have to do it myself. Hence I do everything. Up to the extent that I started to have anxiety in the past 2 years. Up to the extent that he has the freaking time to go out there to cheat since he was so free. I was too busy doing everything and didn't even notice. And hence, this is the part which is super hard to swallow because I've done so fucking much for everyone. And yet, this is the thanks I get. So, no more. I'm putting myself first now. I want to make myself happy and I want to punish, because that is what I want to do now. I started drum lessons 3 months ago because I've always wanted to do that since I was a teen but have put it off because hey, family first. I bought that pair of designer sneakers I've wanted since 2018, which I never bought because well, it's too expensive. I will start a new course in a few months. In fact, I was thinking of taking up Family Law just to know exactly how things work, how I can manipulate and get things in my favor if I D. Now I just do what I want. Yes these may be temporary forms of happiness but heck, I do what I can to cope for now. Self care is my motto this year. Anything else can come after.

I've spoken to a few lawyers in the last few months. I know my options. I took all the legal advice into consideration before I even had that light click in my head at the 3rd month. That light which said to R, to punish. Apart from the things I've mentioned in the earlier posts, I think of things like if I were to D and if he were to start a new family for example, how fair would it be for my kids? He wouldn't be able to give as much, both monetarily and affections. They'd have to share. Why should I let that happen? He doesn't deserve anything good in life. He put me through hell. I'm taking him with me.

And oh, he's definitely only sorry now that he's caught. Even though the A ended in 2019, he told me in all honesty that he would have brought it to the grave had I not found out. That's why I feel like everything has been a farce since 2019. I've gone through periods of asking myself how the fuck can he go on like four family vacations in 2019 with us while he was very much in the A. How the fuck does he even come back and look at us in the eye when he would sneak around and build this mountain of lies around me when he was cheating. How how how. I've since, thanks to SI, learned that it was compartmentalization. And I'll leave it at that. That and him being a fucked up assholic loser. I still can't accept that this has happened though. Still coming to terms with how he could do this to us. He was never a good enough husband and I've always told him to be a better father than husband. He started to be better during covid since he had to spend a lot of time at home with the kids and I. But too little too late now that it has come to this. The kids are much closer to him now since covid happened though. But I've always thought that if there was cheating, it would have been in the early years prior to kids. Never thought that he could do this shit to the kids especially. In fact, I'm furious that he did this to the kids more than the fact that he had the balls to do this to me. I think I probably had a tighter rein when it was just the 2 of us. With kids and life after that, I let go since I was so busy all the time. That's when it happened. I didn't see it coming at all. He has always been someone with morals. That was the man I married. So I didn't see it coming, didnt think he was capable of this shit, didnt think he'd have the balls. But now I know all he's been is a hypocrite all along. I call him out for it all the time now. And if it wasn't for the fact that I plan to R, I would have exposed him to all our friends and family. No one knows for now except for his cousin and a close friend of mine. I hate that. I hate that others still think highly of him, oh such a good father, a good husband. They don't know what a fucking hypocrite he is.

Many things I haven't been able to bring myself to do since DD. I haven't worn my wedding band. I haven't done his laundry for him, as petty as that is. I let him do it himself. I have stopped being considerate. He comes home from travel and needs his rest? I used to make sure the kids play quietly so he can have a better rest. Now I couldn't care less if they scream and shout or if he can sleep with all that. I used to tell him to sleep and not have to wake up early to prep the kids for school. I'd do it. He does it now without my asking, even if he just came home from traveling. I used to take it upon myself to do every shitty little thing, cleaning the kids school shoes weekly for example. Now I ask him to do it. Cooking? You're back from work now, you do it. Kids need to get fed, you do it. Dishes need to be washed, I don't even have to say it anymore now. He does it. Even though he used to help here and there pre DD, now I make it a point to have him do everything. He was too free, I told him. So free back then, with so little to do but work in his job, that's why he had the time to pursue a fucking A. Minor repairs around the house, I used to do it. Now he does and if anyone needs to be called in, I tell him to do it. I used to do every little thing and I know now that's why I was so fucking burned out. I refuse to do everything now and as much as I still think he's incompetent, I am letting go and letting him handle all the shit. I need to loosen up in order to be kind to myself. He said he wants to make it up to the family, this is what he has to start doing. Heck these are things that any good H should be doing all along. I was too blind, stupid and considerate for my own good to have taken charge of everything.

As for being a safe partner since DD.. he voluntarily had his number changed. A number he has had for 20 years. We went through his entire phone book on his phone and deleted many contacts. Contacts that include friends of both genders that I never liked or weren't relevant. He deleted all forms of social media even though he was never active. But I wanted him to do it just the same. I have access to all his emails, I can look at his phone whenever I want. Even then, I still put a spy program in
there without his knowledge just to be sure. As I manage the finances, I have access to all his bank accounts.

We have come to an agreement that he will have not have any casual conversations with any female coworkers, nothing other than for work. If he has to add any new numbers to his phone, he needs to tell me. I check periodically too. I used to warn him to not be too nice to others, he's always trying too hard with his Mr Nice Guy persona and wants to help everyone. He liked to hang out with coworkers. I told him that would get him into trouble one day. It did. It happened just the way I feared it would. He never listened to me for all the 19 years I've known him. Now that it has happened, he's paying for it by having to keep to himself, sending me pictures, updates, video calling me and have me randomly check on him when he's away. He has to walk on eggshells now around me. When he's not traveling, he stays home and does the chores I've written above. He sends the kids to school and other classes. Or we go out with the kids to do things they like. We go for morning walks, something we started doing a lot of since last year prior to DD. But I find that now if I do walk with him, it's generally filled with tension. The last 2 hour walk we had, we walked silently, speaking only when he asked if I wanted some water. So these days I prefer to do my walks alone, listening to my music by myself, thinking my own thoughts (like wishing him and AP dead wink ) and having a nice breakfast at a Cafe before I go home to my tainted life. I never used to do all this. Now I do. Self care, you know. I gotta start somewhere. Next month I will be going for a beach vacation with my own extended family. With my kids as well. I don't want him to come along. So he won't, on the pretext of not being able to take days off. Which is also true. But I am going to try and make sure the kids and I are going to enjoy ourselves because we deserve it. My kids are my life and the only good thing which came out of my marriage. They shouldn't have to go through all the shit he's put us through. They are innocent. We will enjoy ourselves without him.

Although he has done all the above to be a safe partner, I feel like he hasn't done enough to win me back. He said he would do all he can right after DD. I've told him from the start he needs to apologize for what he has done and reassure me each time I trigger or have thoughts. He did that for a while and these days, he does little of that. I'm hoping his IC will kick him into place with regards to that. I used to make him kneel in front of me to apologize, that went on for about a month. Then I found no pleasure anymore in seeing him do that. The way I see it, he should be groveling at my feet and appreciate that I'm still here after the hell he put me through. But I don't feel like he's appreciative enough. Hence I drill that into his head every other day, I scold, I insult, I get very angry. I think by the start of the 4th month, a tide turned in me and I was in a completely different stage. I was just very angry and the anger really consumed me. I am still working through that in IC. I am better now than 2 weeks ago. But the appearance of AP on the travel roster with him really took me back many steps. I think if I were any weaker mentally, I would have done a lot worse. Maybe cut myself or jump down a building. But I know my worth and I'm more responsible than that.

So through IC, I've also come to realize that maybe he hasn't been able to do much for me, with the apologies and reassurances, because I've been throwing insults. Because of my anger. My IC said that as much as I think he's deserving of it, no one likes to be reprimanded everytime they come home from work or just out of the blue. But well, that's how I operate these days. I just let it go when I feel the need to. I don't want to tolerate anymore. I don't want to be considerate anymore. Not for now anyway. IC says it's not sustainable. My friend said H will just break one day and might say fuck everything and we would go back to square one. Or we could get a D. But I'd like to think that if that happens, I'm all ready for it. I know it'd be ugly too because I'm going to go all out. But until then, if he wants to stick around, this is what he has to take from me. Honestly I don't even know if anything he ever does anymore will be enough. So like I said, I'm just gonna focus on myself while I try to live with this marriage out of spite.

Crazyblindsided, you are right. This is a deal breaker for me. I would have walked if I didn't have kids. But it's not so easy when I put everything into consideration. Mix all of that with the spite I have in me now, R seems to be the way to go. But I could still very well D. In the meantime, I need to plan thoroughly should D happens. I already know most of what I need to do through the
legal advice I've sought. My only problem now is how do I live with all of these emotions and ensure I can do this without breaking down myself first if I R. That's my challenge. Because as much as I've learned to handle the triggers better now in my 5th month, there are days when it's still insufferable. There are bad days when I ruminate and make things worse. And there are days when AP unexpectedly gets on the roster look I see all of your points about him changing jobs and I've already gotten him to do that, to look around in the first few weeks after DD. It's just not feasible now. Not yet anyway. We got hit hard by covid and we're barely recovering financially now. I handle the finances. I know. So as much as I want him to quit, I have to be realistic. And as much as I get fucked up by the fact that AP is traveling with him, I just have to do all I can to know that he's not up to anything again. Hence the random video calls. It is very hard on me, that's why I posted in here the day it happened. But now that it has happened and I see things clearer, it could have very well been a test for him to see how he handled the situation. To be fair, and since I have no evidence of any wrongdoing this time, I'd say that he did all he could to ensure that the message got across to AP that she is nothing to him now. He avoided contact and kept to himself. They are not on the same team per se. So they don't have to work very closely. But hey, with all this hypervigilance, of course that's not enough for me. I will keep watching him regardless. It gets tiring and I shouldn't even have to do this shit had he not cheated but I do what I can to cope for now. It's sad and it hurts and I'm angry, but I try. And I'm thankful that I have the SI community because no one can empathize better than the people in here.

Long rant, sorry. I do find that it helps when I write everything down though. Thank you all once again for your kind responses. I appreciate all of it.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2022
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 12:30 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

I was that kind of wife as well. I did it all. I made sure he had little to do when he came home,because he worked hard. I did it all with the kids,the house, etc. I didn't do things,or buy things,just for me. Everyone else first. No more. Now, I too bought myself those expensive shoes. I do what I want. He sometimes complains.."before we were married,you did this,now you dont," kind of bullshit. I'm quick to remind him,no,I did AAALLLL of those things for 10 years after we were married. It's only been since the affair that I stopped doing certain things. Why? Because he didn't appreciate THAT wife. He cheated on that wife. So I will never again be THAT wife. I now live to make me and my kids, happy. If he is happy as well,he can consider that a bonus.

I've never read another post by someone who feels how I feel. And words it in the way I would.

I get it

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
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LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 2:03 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Everything you wrote just now. I feel like I could have written this 5 years ago. I was living with my in laws at the time and a horrible mother in law. I was literally doing everything to the point where I had no life and I coulnt see my own loved ones. Both friends and family kept asking me what is keeping you so busy. Little did they know I was a slave to my in laws and the expectations were sometimes so unbearable. I didnt have any children as well and my interfering MiL Monster in law kept making us get into arguments. I had known my husband since high school and he was the love the of my life. For nearly a decade I was unable to get pregnant. Why? It was because of the stress. So I too understand exactly what you mean.

That changed for me 5 years ago. I did eventually move out and I was also blessed with a beautiful child who has been keeping me busy since.

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annb ( member #22386) posted at 2:17 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Honestly, your WH needs to find another job and needs to take a polygraph. If he was traveling with OW during the A, I'd bet my house that the affair turned physical. Men/women don't have just an EA when there is constant contact. sad

My WH had an affair with a co-worker who lived 3,000 miles across the country. They met up ONCE while he was working at her site and they were planning to meet up again during his next visit, but I found out before his next trip out there. Opportunity = physical affair.

Why couldn't your husband come up with an excuse not to travel with OW? He caught the flu, whatever it took to help you feel safe. I would have been out of my freaking mind knowing they were together.

My WH traveled a great deal for his job. When I found out about the A, most of that travel ended. He told his boss he was having issues at home and could not travel for awhile. No problem. When he did travel, I joined him. What I witnessed during those trips with him was eye-opening. Marrieds acting single, drinking excessively, inappropriate touching, missing from the group for a couple of hours. barf

I insisted my WH find another job. It was hard bc he had a great job with a company he had been with for two decades. I didn't give a hoot, took him several months, he actually found a better job. He understood that if he stayed at the current job, he would not be able to do his job to the best of his ability, and there was no way I'd ever accept him going to work at her site even when he dumped her on D-Day.

Gently, I think you are too trusting and should stand up for what YOU need in this marriage. Your husband should have understood how devastating it is for you knowing he will be traveling with OW. The marriage should be his #1 priority.

If my husband left to go on a trip where OW was going to be, he would have come home to divorce papers.

Please inform OBS asap. I forced AP to tell her husband then I contacted him to be sure he knew what was going on. He has the right to know his wife is a cheater.

BTW, sounds like you have PTSD. I'd discuss it with your IC. I got PTSD that lasted for years. Raging and raging and raging. It eventually subsided but the first few years were brutal.

[This message edited by annb at 2:30 AM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 11:34 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

  Moving to General

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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:03 PM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

How did the rest of the trip go? How are you?

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
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 ThisPainIsReal (original poster new member #79814) posted at 10:59 PM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

Hellfire, thanks for checking up on me and understanding where I'm coming from. It's good to know that I'm not alone. I haven't posted as I've not been feeling the best.

So he came home and I had to hear it from him face-to-face about what happened. We had a long talk where I got very angry and emotional, and blamed him for all the mess he has created. He gets frustrated when I basically repeat, what he says are the same things I've been saying the past 5 months. That he fucked up, that he's undeserving and unworthy of me and the kids, that he destroyed the family etc. I told him that if I didn't lash out at him, I'd have no one else to do that to. So he just has to take it. The trip itself, other than the initial bit where she tried to make contact, nothing else suspicious happened. He had managed to stay in his hotel room, where the kids and I called him randomly throughout the day and night, till she left the day after. She surprisingly didn't make further contact. He said he sent very strong signals that he wasn't going to make any contact with her anymore, as he completely avoided her and not even looked her way. I guess this would be compared to if I hadn't found out, and he would have still chatted or hung out with her had they been rostered together. He admitted that he would have still been friends with her, even though the A is over. This is disturbing level 10000000 about how things would have gone if I hadn't found out. But otherwise, for this trip itself, he has done what he thought was to the best of his ability, which was to avoid her altogether. I had nothing much to say about it as I found no wrongdoing and yet, I still wasn't happy. Had IC a few days ago (on my 17th year anniversary, which I refused to celebrate anymore) and IC said it may seem like nothing he does is going to be enough anymore to me and that is something I need to think about. IC said that if I keep slamming him even with any small amount of effort he has come up with, he will retreat sooner or later.

Two things I came to a conclusion about after the long talk. The pressure seems to be getting to him now that we're 5 months out and there's hardly any improvement with our situation. Only about a month ago, he said he didnt feel like he needed IC. But during the talk, he said he really needs professional help now as he hasn't been getting through to me and he doesn't know how. I told him it was because I don't feel like he's putting enough effort in. Also, a few months ago, he had stubbornly told me that he wasn't the type who breaks down and cry, which is true. I've never actually seen him sob even when his favorite and closest family member died. But during the talk, he actually had moist eyes. No proper crying still but that is the closest I've seen so far, other than when he came back groveling after DDay, which was also just moist eyes (he was away on DDay on a work trip and only got back days later). I can honestly say that looking at him suffer made me feel good. After all that he's done to me, I cannot wish him enough suffering.

There has been tension since and I have hardly spoken to him, unless it was necessary. Things about the kids or household. We have our first MC together tomorrow and I'm not sure how that would go. In fact, I was going to ask on here what are the pertinent things I should ask or talk about. This is very new to me and feels awkward even, especially with him there too. My own IC sessions sometimes feel new and strange to me as well, since I was never the sort who believe in therapy. And yet, here I am, been in therapy now for 5 months.

I've been trying hard to make myself happy and not ruminate. Since the day of the long talk, I told myself I needed to take control and not cry, scream or go off again if I possibly can. It's very tough as my mind tends to wander and I still get so angry when I think of all he's done. I need to try more grounding techniques to work through all these thoughts and feelings. IC said that my snarkiness and sarcasm doesn't help with anything. I understand that but it's easier said than done to hold my tongue. Again, something I need to work on while I am on the R road. I sometimes feel like I need something huge and uplifting to remind me why I'm even doing this. Why I have to work so hard and put in so much effort to work at something which I didn't mess up in the first place. The only good I've gotten out of this so far is the fact that now I realize how much I've been neglecting myself all this time. That I have to love myself and do things for myself first. Not everyone first. That I need to be selfish for me.

Oh and Happy Mother's Day to the kick ass mums in SI. I may have a shit marriage but at least I know I've tried to be the best mum I can be and my kids love me. My kids are the only thing I'm thankful for that came out of this marriage. They are the light in my life. I wouldn't still be here now, if it weren't for them.

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getbusyliving ( member #71058) posted at 2:41 AM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

I understand your anger, triggering and venting and the place you are right now and you are aware that it is not a healthy space and that awareness is important as it also puts you in the control seat to change.

I was just reading how your WH now does his fairshare of the house / kids stuff. It's the 21st century so he should! It means you can do stuff for yourself and especially practise your loud drumming!

Just another thought from something you said. After our third child, WS had a vasectomy and I guess that at least guaranteed no more children from him from anyone when I found out all at once his serial cheating. I sometimes wonder if an adult affair child might show up one day but so far no one has and I think I could handle it now but certainly not if they were dependant children. So if he hasn't, you could request him to have a vasectomy when you said you were worried that if you split up and he had more children, he might abandon them. It is a really simple procedure.

BS:54 (me). WS:54. together 30 yrs on DD1 March 2017.

TT /lies until DD2 July 2017OL,P, EA, Sex workers.

Dates known: 1991, 2004, 2009, 2011, 2016, 2017.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Aotearoa /NZ
id 8734163
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:35 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

At this stage,the shock has worn off. The anger is normal. It's healthy. The anger is basically pain, disguised as anger. It's imperative that you get it out. It's poison inside your body. It will eat you up if you don't express it.

It takes 3 to 5 years to heal from this. If your pain and anger causes him to leave,then he was never going to stay in the first place.

It is a problem that he says he needs professional help,in order to deal with you, and your emotions. No. He needs IC to fix his issues,and figure out why he did what he did.

I would be very hesitant to believe nothing more happened on the trip. That they didn't talk. He called am talked to you initially, and heard your anger. So it would be easier to lie to you,and tell you she didn't come near him,rather than deal with your anger.

Lying comes easy for him. After all,he lied to you,every day,for years,after the affair.

Please call OBS. Like you, he deserves to know the truth. And it may prevent any more contact with OW, because he could tell her she must quit her job,as a requirement of reconciliation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:36 PM, Sunday, May 8th]

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8734196
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 11:21 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

You are putting yourself through a lot of pain, OP. You're enraged at your WS, want him to suffer, but the reality is that he'll never feel your pain because he lacks your sensitivity. You'll never get even with him, so there is no point in staying out of spite. I see that your life is financially comfortable the way it is, but really, is that comfort worth the constant emotional pain AND the risk of contracting an STD, such as herpes, that will never go away? That's very possible because your WS is still taking business trips, you haven't even told the OBS, etc. You're rugsweeping more than reconciling, with a side dose of bitterness.

For full reconciliation, your WS needs to leave this job that has him in contact with his AP, and which requires him to take trips. He needs a no business trips job, and he needs to be spending virtually all of his non work hours with you. You also need to tell the OBS, for that man's safety, and to further protect yourself from a secret continuing affair.

But it just doesn't seem worth all of the reconciliation work when you're not even deeply in love with your WS now, just staying out of spite and for financial security. Remember that you're risking your emotional and physical health for the money he brings in. It isn't free money.

[This message edited by morningglory at 1:02 AM, Monday, May 9th]

posts: 173   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734260
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:13 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

Since the day of the long talk, I told myself I needed to take control and not cry, scream or go off again if I possibly can

^^^This is NOT healthy for you. You need to get the emotions out. It takes a MINIMUM of two years to get through this hell, and honestly, for most it's much longer than that. I raged and raged and raged and my WH took it. He did lots of small things after D-Day, but he understood that nothing he did could make up for the devastation to me, our marriage, and our family (and his job which I asked him to leave).

I

C said it may seem like nothing he does is going to be enough anymore to me and that is something I need to think about. IC said that if I keep slamming him even with any small amount of effort he has come up with, he will retreat sooner or later.

^^^Your IC surely should understand that you've experienced TRAUMA. It just doesn't go away, it takes years to recover from it, you can't silence it, and you cannot fix it with small amounts of effort by the cheating spouse. Getting your emotions out is a healthy way to heal. My WH took everything I threw at him, when I felt extremely intense, I'd get in my car and go for a long ride and scream blood curdling screams until some of the rage was out of my system. Anger masks pain, and right now you are deep in the abyss and struggling to crawl your way out. It takes time, lots of time.

The pressure seems to be getting to him now that we're 5 months out and there's hardly any improvement with our situation

^^Again, he has to understand it takes YEARS to move through infidelity, not weeks or months. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and if he truly wants to be the man you need him to be, he will accept your emotions (sad, angry, indifferent, happy) and continue to do everything you need to make it through this nightmare.

posts: 11507   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8734351
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