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Divorce/Separation :
How can I get angry?

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 robinbird12 (original poster new member #80235) posted at 9:34 AM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

My husband was a neglectful, selfish, alcoholic/workaholic, narcissist who only really was at home to be hungover. He saved all his energy and best self for others and me and our small children got nothing but bad moods and zombie exhaustion. I understand his betrayal and leaving for the OW has activated the abandonment crisis and that is why I am so shattered and longing for him- even though I was not happy in our marriage.

But why do I still dream of him? Why am I still so sad our marriage failed? I am so sad for our children even though he was home so little they haven't even noticed he moved out. Even though it's better for them to be away from his heavy drinking and passouts all over our home. My family has failed.

Why can't I get angry? I read others stories of how as soon as they found out there was cheating they were disgusted and there was no more love in their hearts for the WH. What my WH did to me was HORRIBLE. I don't want to include all the details in case they are identifying- but essentially he had been planning for months to leave me and leave me financially destitute- I ruined the plan by finding out I was pregnant. And then about the affair. Up until the day I found out I thought we had a good loving marriage- because he was actively decieving me into thinking that. So that he could financially screw me over. Luckily I caught him and this an at-fault country. So I hope I can save myself the fate he was plotting.

Why am I not angry about this!! Why am I still just sad and missing him and dreaming of him? DDay was 2.5 months ago. I want to get angry!!

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731579
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:12 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

I don’t know why you are not angry.

Have you looked up co-dependency? Maybe that is why you are more sad than angry.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11862   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8731588
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 robinbird12 (original poster new member #80235) posted at 1:24 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

I had not known what codependency was but a quick Google search is ringing some bells :( Not completely me though. I’m not very controlling at all, I can say no pretty easily..

[This message edited by robinbird12 at 1:25 PM, Sunday, April 24th]

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731590
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scaredmama321 ( new member #80154) posted at 2:30 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

I can so relate to how you are feeling. I am almost 2 months out from WS saying he "didn’t want to be married and had feelings for someone else." 6 weeks out from DDay of PA. I am currently 6 months pregnant with two littles at home, and WS moves out and into his new apartment in a week.

At this point, I still feel sad more than anything. While there have been sparks of anger, they are short lived. I still find myself trying to justify his actions, telling myself he is in the fog and is going to "wake up" soon. My heart deludes me into imagining a fantasy reunion where he suddenly picks me and puts in the work to R. Yet delusion is exactly what it is. WS has shown little to no concern for my well being and zero remorse for his actions. As his moving day approaches he acts happier and happier at home - almost euphoric. I have to admit to myself that the husband I knew and loved is gone.

I recently started reading "Runaway Husbands" and am finding it to be quite helpful. In the situation of abandoned wives, overwhelming sadness isn’t only normal, it’s expected and part of the process. We will find our anger eventually, but it’s ok to acknowledge our sadness in the meantime.

Sending you love and hugs as you navigate this terrible journey. It is such a crappy road we are being forced to walk.

Me BS (31) WS (31) EA/PA
D-Day 3/22
2 young children and pregnant with third
Done being a doormat

posts: 39   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2022   ·   location: US
id 8731609
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 robinbird12 (original poster new member #80235) posted at 2:43 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

Oh scaredmama, we are in such a similar situation. Down to the timing. I’m so so sorry this has happened to you too. It is such a trauma. I "enjoyed" the same delusional hope for R as you. The runaway husbands book helped me to let go of that, but of course now I’m facing the pain full on.

My husband was absolutely elated to run to his girlfriend after he decided he was leaving me and told me. I was broken and he was just visibly so excited and happy. He lives with her now and I’ve accepted his is a stranger to me. I still dream we are together and everything is like before and I wake up gutted.

I’m trying to focus on the future (a future WITHOUT him now), it seems crazy to me that even 2 weeks ago I was sure he was coming back…. I have made progress because now I want the divorce to happen ASAP so I can move back to my hometown. If he won’t turn in his financials I will be filing in a week.

I’m happy to have “met” you here because our stories and timeline are so similar. I was pregnant with twins when I found out about the affair, but early enough that my WH convinced me we needed to abort to R and give our marriage a fresh start. He left for the OW only days after the abortion. I regret it deeply.

The shining light I see here is we are both young enough to start over… to not have 25 years of memories poisoned by this. I read the stories of this happening to women in their 50s and 60s and I know I could never ever take him back.

[This message edited by robinbird12 at 2:53 PM, Sunday, April 24th]

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731614
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scaredmama321 ( new member #80154) posted at 4:17 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

robinbird

I am so, so sorry for your loss and the manipulation at the hands of your STBXH. Reading about how cruel waywards can be in the thick of things never ceases to amaze me.

You are totally right about being relatively young and able to start over someday. I’ll admit, the thought of doing so is so far out of my mental realm right now. I think until he actually moves out I will continue harboring hope that he will change his mind. It’s a terrible place to be in.

Me BS (31) WS (31) EA/PA
D-Day 3/22
2 young children and pregnant with third
Done being a doormat

posts: 39   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2022   ·   location: US
id 8731624
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 robinbird12 (original poster new member #80235) posted at 6:00 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

It must be so so hard to still be living with him… you are so strong and it will all be much easier when he moves out! I am sure the hopium is necessary to deal with living with him. Now that I know WH and I are really done I absolutely cannot bear to see him or hear his voice. The pain is enormous as my heart cannot accept he is no longer my trusted husband. I hope I never have to see him or hear his voice again.

[This message edited by robinbird12 at 6:03 PM, Sunday, April 24th]

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731641
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LonelyHolidays ( member #79775) posted at 7:17 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

I’m sorry you are going through this. I relate to your feelings. I’ve spoken to friends and family about my relationship and even my mom says things like "She’s terrible! Why are you still sad?" I think it comes from not being an angry person. You sound like me a bit. Maybe being sensitive and caring makes it strange to go from loving to anger and hate in an instant. I don’t judge or question anyone else being able to get angry, but for me I thought I had a happy family of four. Like most people our relationship wasn’t always perfect but I thought we had each other’s back and the betrayal we experienced is a surprise but anger isn’t always my primary emotion about it though I have some for sure. Everyone deals with heartbreak differently. I guess there is no right or wrong way.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8731659
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Flaco ( new member #80117) posted at 9:25 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

Anger may come in time. In the beginning there are so many mixed emotions it’s hard to just function. You are on autopilot trying to get through the storm.

As things start to settle down and you reflect back, anger may come. I have to reflect back on the things they said and did together to retain enough strength to move forward.

In the beginning, while I confronted and challenged her, I was also conscious of the fact that I didn’t want our M to end. I read every book I could but no amount of effort in my part could change her.

In the end, she has shown no concern for me while I still genuinely care about her. That makes me angry, but a quiet, smoldering, deep burning type anger, not the hot flare up kind.

If you get there, don’t be ashamed of your anger. You deserve love, respect and care. We all do.

DDay 12/6/20 married 13 years at that time. Me: BH 46. Her: WW 41
2 beautiful kids. Legally separating which may turn into D

posts: 37   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022   ·   location: Sacto
id 8731695
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:38 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

I got to the angry stage (rage stage in my case) at about 5-6 months. Prior to that I was in shock, incredibly sad and hurt, and unable to wrap my head around what the $#$#( had just happened. From what I have read, that’s not an uncommon time line.

Use this time to get the best lawyer in town and look out for your and your kids.
Totally sucks— but you are going to be okay. And I agree that your kids not seeing him passed out around the house will be the best for them.

Hang in there.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4701   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8731697
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 robinbird12 (original poster new member #80235) posted at 7:24 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

LonelyHolidays

Maybe being sensitive and caring makes it strange to go from loving to anger and hate in an instant. I don’t judge or question anyone else being able to get angry, but for me I thought I had a happy family of four. Like most people our relationship wasn’t always perfect but I thought we had each other’s back and the betrayal we experienced is a surprise

Yes, I am not an angry person- I'm very tolerant which is probably why he married me in the first place. Our marriage certainly wasn't perfect, but really the only person doing anything wrong was him (all night partying, all day sleeping) so I had no idea he was unhappy. I thought only I was unhappy, and only sometimes, and that things would get better. I was absolutely shocked he left us.

Flaco

In the beginning, while I confronted and challenged her, I was also conscious of the fact that I didn’t want our M to end. I read every book I could but no amount of effort in my part could change her.

Yes, I was/am absolutely devastated by what he has done. I was not super happy in the marriage but I thought it would get better, and except for his cheating, I didn't think it was bad enough to justify a divorce. I have tried SO HARD since he first even voiced a complaint to fix things but there is nothing I can do. He had already been with OW a year and decided to leave me before he even mentioned a single thing he was unsatified about in our marriage.

BarelyBreathing

I got to the angry stage (rage stage in my case) at about 5-6 months. Prior to that I was in shock, incredibly sad and hurt, and unable to wrap my head around what the $#$#( had just happened. From what I have read, that’s not an uncommon time line.


Yes, this is EXACTLY where I am at right now. Shock, despair, completely unable to wrap my head around this... I am still just blown away every day. I can't believe this is reality. The anger coming in a few more months makes sense. That timeline makes sense. I've got a killer lawyer and I am 100% willing to go to court to get what my kids and I are legally entitled to. I already know my WH is trying to screw us and my lawyer knows this too, so we will be moving swiftly and firmly.

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731803
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papoula ( member #39079) posted at 12:15 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

It's ok that you are not angry. People are different and feel a d process things differently.

You may also be extremely vulnerable right now. You may never be angry at him because of who you are, part of your personality.

There is nothing wrong with you and how you feel things.

Someone mentioned co-dependency here and I can tell you I am extremely co-dependant and my co-dependency made me stay in my awful marriage for way longer than I should. Co-dependency in my case is something I will have to battle my whole life. I found out I was co-dependant about 10 years ago and knowing made me understand why I stayed in my awful marriage. I think I stopped loving my WH many years ago but I just couldn't leave him.

Anyway, about the anger, I have been extremely angry at my WH for years, even when we were still together (not divorcing like now) and I still couldn't leave him. My point is, I don't think anger is what makes you move on, I think is courage to keep pushing forward even when you are terrified. You don't need to be angry, you just need to keep going through because there is no way out going through this total hell first. I'm trusting it will hurt but for a while but that's the only way it will get better.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 141   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8732035
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mommabear1010 ( new member #79915) posted at 8:00 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Sometimes we are in love with the person we made them out to be in our head....the person we thought they could be, hoped they'd be, dreamt up positive scenarios about etc. So when the WS is clearly demonstrating they are the exact opposite it's such a mind game to reconcile these two people: the one they are and they one we believed them to be.

And also, hope is such a powerful force. I had such intense hope that he'd become a truly remorseful man, that he'd drop everything to help me heal and heal himself...and that strong hope pushed off some of the anger for a bit.

Once I allowed myself to accept that he is not a good man/husband and accept that I was in love with someone that really didn't exist my body started to feel the anger, disdain, and overall resentment for him. It does take time, and a little bit of honest self-talk to get there.

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 41   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8732118
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 robinbird12 (original poster new member #80235) posted at 1:37 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

mommabear

Sometimes we are in love with the person we made them out to be in our head....the person we thought they could be, hoped they'd be, dreamt up positive scenarios about etc. So when the WS is clearly demonstrating they are the exact opposite it's such a mind game to reconcile these two people: the one they are and they one we believed them to be.

You are so so so right here. This is exactly what is going on. The truth is my husband was an alcoholic and very selfish and neglectful, and I was unhappy in the marriage for a long time. I didn't think he was unhappy... but I knew that I was very very lonely. I was just surviving on the hope he would change, that things would get better.

Well, he showed me he actually was only getting much worse! I'm starting to accept who he really is, what the situation really was.

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8732244
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scaredmama321 ( new member #80154) posted at 2:17 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

@mommabear
Your words hit me hard this morning. I feel like grieving/missing the person I want my WS to be is exactly where I am. His behavior and actions clearly show me he isn’t that person, and most likely never will be, but my dang heart is struggling to reconcile the two versions of him.

Me BS (31) WS (31) EA/PA
D-Day 3/22
2 young children and pregnant with third
Done being a doormat

posts: 39   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2022   ·   location: US
id 8732248
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LonelyHolidays ( member #79775) posted at 9:33 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

I agree with that explanation of two versions of my ex as well. Friends and family couldn’t understand me missing her. I thought she was a loving mother and wife and I was wrong but am very surprised and I need to almost remind myself of reality.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8732352
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hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 10:24 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

I vowed to go through my divorce with "grace and dignity". Well I did, and then 2 1/2 years later the anger came. So much anger.

I journaled. They were vicious and vile words that would never come out of my mouth. I constantly surprised myself with the viciousness of the writing. It helped to get the words on paper, but I really wish he had heard some of those conversations I had with myself, or the letters I had written.

Eventually, I wasn't angry anymore and I haven't been since.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 695   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8732364
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 10:30 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

i can relate to so much to what was said in this thread-

i wish my xwh is someone different. I know who he is in my head but my heart says/wants something else

i was like you Robinbird. at first, i was overcome by sadness, longing, and grief. i wanted my wh back even though he was a selfish jerk most of the time. i wanted my marriage back even though it was not good for many years! talk about crazy!

i had to suppress those thoughts and get my head straight. it was nearly impossible in the beginning.

my heart kept longing for him and the marriage. BUT! one day around the 7th month mark something clicked and i got angry. and i've been on and off angry for about a month now. that's not to say I don't have moments of longing. my friends think I am out of my mind but it's my brain wanting to bond. it's a human biology to connect. it's all ok. i accept it now.

i wrote down all the negative things about my xwh and things he did. I read it daily to remind myself what I am free of. Good luck. you will get there. take one emotion at a time.

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 10:32 PM, Wednesday, April 27th]

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 217   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8732365
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Flaco ( new member #80117) posted at 2:38 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Hey Robin

I saw your reply in the general forum and you mentioned your WH wants you to sign a post nuptial and give you shitty terms for financial separation. This has been happening to me too. It seems like you aren’t going to do it.

I checked with 4 lawyers and all said the same thing. My WW said the same thing as your WH "I can’t work on anything unless I have financial independence". Total crap. I almost signed it because I’ve always been the one to make the effort when things were rocky. When I didn’t sign she filed for legal separation. Guess who she blames for that.

I know you’re having a hard time getting angry. I was too at first. Just watch out for yourself and your kids.

DDay 12/6/20 married 13 years at that time. Me: BH 46. Her: WW 41
2 beautiful kids. Legally separating which may turn into D

posts: 37   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022   ·   location: Sacto
id 8733130
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