Newest Member: trustingyou

Flaco

DDay 12/6/20 married 13 years at that time. Me: BH 46. Her: WW 41
2 beautiful kids. Legally separating which may turn into D

Settlement conference advice.

Hey everyone.

Our settlement conference is this Monday. I’m wondering if anyone can give me an idea on what to expect.

What is the structure like?

How should I prepare?

How should I conduct myself?

This is in California if that helps. I really have no idea what to expect. Since my W had been to law school and her AP is a lawyer who has been through this thrice I feel I’m at a disadvantage.

I have talked to my lawyer but since they have been through these so frequently I don’t think they remember what it’s like for someone who has never experienced it.

I’m just looking for advice and experience so I can be mentally and logistically prepared. Any input is appreciated. Personal experiences, lessons learned, things you’d do differently, things you didn’t expect.

While I make a good living, my Wcurrently earns about 30% more than I do and we share expenses equally. It wasn’t always that way and when the pay disparity was reversed I generally paid more.

Again. I put and advice appreciated.

Sincerely

Flaco

4 comments posted: Thursday, July 7th, 2022

Advice from those who have had a legal separation

Good Morning

I was hoping those of you who have had a legal separation could chime in and provide some advice and input. My S originally planned to divorce during her affair in 2020/21. Then March/April 2021 she decided to stay because "The number don't make sense." She started making more than I do a couple years ago. Then June she said "Sign a post nuptial agreement or else I'll file for divorce or legal separation." She refused to work on the marriage and I refused to sign so she filed the day before she received a 13% raise. Fast forward to early 2022, she found a lawyer who claims her demands would be met and I still refused to sign said agreement so we started the separation proceedings.

Of course, she blames me for every problem in our relationship and I have been one to accept responsibility and blame even when it is not mine, I'm working on that. Her affair during and aftermath is a clusterf#ck, she still works with the AP and communicates with him regularly.

Her original demands were that we split retirements. The she insisted we split income as well, then she insisted she not be liable for spousal support. We met with the court appointed advisor this week. After this meeting she now says she will accept 50/50 split on our retirement and that is it. The advisor even said, "Why don't you two divorce? You're going to live together for 10 more years to raise your daughter?" I know that's what I SHOULD do but I just can't break my daughter's heart.

My question is this, has anyone had a legal separation document/decree that dictates how shared expenses were spent? I make a good living but she now makes about 2000-2500 more than I do monthly, yet we share all expenses equally. If we were to divorce, she would be liable for child support to even out income but in our current scenario, she stands to gain a lot more than I do because I am footing half of the bill and she is free to spend her excess how she wants. As it stands, I'm not sure I can make all of my personal monthly bills in addition to ur 50/50 shared costs.

Has anyone been through something similar to this? I don't want to be a slave for the next 10 years. I've sacrificed so much for this woman and yet she blames me for the failed marriage. Any input is greatly appreciated and I'm happy to elaborate on any details needed.

Thanks.

Flaco

24 comments posted: Friday, May 20th, 2022

Next steps

Hi there I posted this in general and a
Respondent suggested posting here.

Good Morning,

I appreciate all the knowledge and advice here. It has helped a lot. I am a betrayed husband, my WW and I will be married 15 years at the end of March. I would appreciate some input for those of you who have time. I have a great support network such as a counselor, friends, and family, but I would appreciate impartial views.

Our marriage has not been perfect. We rarely made time for each other trying to raise two kids who are currently 8 and 14. My wife was raised in a very strict religion and married at 18 or 19 and divorced a year later. We dated and lived together, took the logical next step, got married and our son was born 9 months later. My wife rarely showed much affection and honestly I'm sure I could have done more to make her feel special. We both finished masters degrees, then she said she wanted to go to law school. We agreed since it was a dream of hers, then she earned another masters degree and has earned various credentials and certifications. After she finished law school we decided the logical next step was to move from the small remote area we lived in to a bigger metro area. She was unhappy with her job and we agreed she would have more opportunity for advancement. She got hired up here and worked the week, staying at her former boss's house (older lady) while I was home with our kids who were 1 and 7 at the time. That was 7 years ago and she has continued to advance, passing me up in pay about 4 years ago.

When covid hit, she was 39. She had just gotten hired to her new job, she was recruited by one of her professors through the extension classes she enjoyed taking. They were technically equals at her new job, the office shut down and she and he would take turns getting mail and such.

May of 2020 she had a mommy makeover done. We didn’t tell the kids about it, I just had to secretively take care of her while she recovered over the next two weeks. Back in December 2019 I had a vasectomy so she could stop taking birth control. We had both hoped that the vasectomy and mommy makeover might somehow strengthen our relationship but unfortunately that did not happen.

They became close for sue to working together and other reasons. Apparently his wife had cheated on him and she shared her unhappiness with our marriage. They began going on walks, buying each other tea, then working out together in secret and doing yoga together. I am a teacher, so I was home with our kids trying to get my students through covid and our children as well.

November of 2020, they took a work trip out of town together for one night. She told me she was going alone. About a week later she and I had an argument, she said she was unhappy and I am always grumpy and not nice. Then she said she wanted some space. Something didn't sit right with me so I did some snooping and found out about all the time they spent together. I called her on it and she insisted they were "just friends". We had several more of these discussions where I called her out and she insisted they weren't seeing each other and it was just a working relationship.

I ended up recording her, hearing them exchange "I love you" and call each other "baby". It was pretty painful. She agreed to go to marriage counseling, we each did an individual session then 3 more joint via zoom. During the joint sessions she was in her office working the whole time. She said things like "I want romance" and such. By the end of the sessions in January she said she wanted a divorce.

Over the next few months they continued to work out together almost daily with yoga and tea on the weekends. Around March/April of 2021 she said she thought we should stay together for the kids. A few weeks after that she said "The numbers don't make sense" for us to split. She insisted I needed to sell our motorhome, which I did. By the end of May she told me she thought we should sign paperwork that separated our retirements from each other. I told her that made no sense as I have never controlled her finances. The topic was dropped.

Around this time I again called her on the relationship, I had heard him still calling her baby and saying I love you on audio but she did not reciprocate that. She told me she is taking steps to end it. Nevertheless they continued to talk candidly and work out occasionally. My trusting self, I ended up cosigning on a new car for her in early June. By mid June, she asked me to meet her and told me she required that I either 1) Sign a Post-nuptial agreement separating all of our finances or 2) she will file for legal separation or 3) she will file for divorce. She was getting a 14% raise in July so she wanted all finances of ours separate.

I refused to sign so she filed for legal separation. She told me she would wait to finalize the document so that I would not default until she could find a lawyer who would legalize her post nuptial agreement. Over the next few months we as a family took several vacations together and the affair was clearly over even though they still talk and work together.

Last month she said she found a lawyer who would legalize her document. I have met with 4 lawyers, all of them have said this document is not appropriate since we live in a 50/50 state. So I filed my response to her. She was upset with me saying I didn't even try to negotiate. It has been an awful year. Luckily our kids don't know. My WW has always been very good at justifying her own behavior. Our friends and family have both commented on it.

So here I am, I have to file disclosures and it looks like I will be pushing for 50/50 split on all assets. I told her she could give up her house equity and I would lay no claim to her retirement and higher wages. She said "I'm not giving up $150k in equity!" So we are at an impasse and it looks like the courts will decide. Everyone I talk to says just file for divorce, but I grew up in a divorced family and I would hate to do that to my kids.

Anyway, I appreciate anyone who cares to comment and I am happy to clarify as this is the very short version. Thanks.

3 comments posted: Monday, March 21st, 2022

Next Steps

Good Morning,

I appreciate all the knowledge and advice here. It has helped a lot. I am a betrayed husband, my WW and I will be married 15 years at the end of March. I would appreciate some input for those of you who have time. I have a great support network such as a counselor, friends, and family, but I would appreciate impartial views.

Our marriage has not been perfect. We rarely made time for each other trying to raise two kids who are currently 8 and 14. My wife was raised in a very strict religion and married at 18 or 19 and divorced a year later. We dated and lived together, took the logical next step, got married and our son was born 9 months later. My wife rarely showed much affection and honestly I'm sure I could have done more to make her feel special. We both finished masters degrees, then she said she wanted to go to law school. We agreed since it was a dream of hers, then she earned another masters degree and has earned various credentials and certifications. After she finished law school we decided the logical next step was to move from the small remote area we lived in to a bigger metro area. She was unhappy with her job and we agreed she would have more opportunity for advancement. She got hired up here and worked the week, staying at her former boss's house (older lady) while I was home with our kids who were 1 and 7 at the time. That was 7 years ago and she has continued to advance, passing me up in pay about 4 years ago.

When covid hit, she was 39. She had just gotten hired to her new job, she was recruited by one of her professors through the extension classes she enjoyed taking. They were technically equals at her new job, the office shut down and she and he would take turns getting mail and such. They became close for these and other reasons. Apparently his wife had cheated on him and she shared her unhappiness with our marriage. They began going on walks, buying each other tea, then working out together in secret and doing yoga together. I am a teacher, so I was home with our kids trying to get my students through covid and our children as well.

November of 2020, they took a work trip out of town together for one night. She told me she was going alone. About a week later she and I had an argument, she said she was unhappy and I am always grumpy and not nice. Then she said she wanted some space. Something didn't sit right with me so I did some snooping and found out about all the time they spent together. I called her on it and she insisted they were "just friends". We had several more of these discussions where I called her out and she insisted they weren't seeing each other and it was just a working relationship.

I ended up recording her, hearing them exchange "I love you" and call each other "baby". It was pretty painful. She agreed to go to marriage counseling, we each did an individual session then 3 more joint via zoom. During the joint sessions she was in her office working the whole time. She said things like "I want romance" and such. By the end of the sessions in January she said she wanted a divorce.

Over the next few months they continued to work out together almost daily with yoga and tea on the weekends. Around March/April of 2021 she said she thought we should stay together for the kids. A few weeks after that she said "The numbers don't make sense" for us to split. She insisted I needed to sell our motorhome, which I did. By the end of May she told me she thought we should sign paperwork that separated our retirements from each other. I told her that made no sense as I have never controlled her finances. The topic was dropped.

Around this time I again called her on the relationship, I had heard him still calling her baby and saying I love you on audio but she did not reciprocate that. She told me she is taking steps to end it. Nevertheless they continued to talk candidly and work out occasionally. My trusting self, I ended up cosigning on a new car for her in early June. By mid June, she asked me to meet her and told me she required that I either 1) Sign a Post-nuptial agreement separating all of our finances or 2) she will file for legal separation or 3) she will file for divorce. She was getting a 14% raise in July so she wanted all finances of ours separate.

I refused to sign so she filed for legal separation. She told me she would wait to finalize the document so that I would not default until she could find a lawyer who would legalize her post nuptial agreement. Over the next few months we as a family took several vacations together and the affair was clearly over even though they still talk and work together.

Last month she said she found a lawyer who would legalize her document. I have met with 4 lawyers, all of them have said this document is not appropriate since we live in a 50/50 state. So I filed my response to her. She was upset with me saying I didn't even try to negotiate. It has been an awful year. Luckily our kids don't know. My WW has always been very good at justifying her own behavior. Our friends and family have both commented on it.

So here I am, I have to file disclosures and it looks like I will be pushing for 50/50 split on all assets. I told her she could give up her house equity and I would lay no claim to her retirement and higher wages. She said "I'm not giving up $150k in equity!" So we are at an impasse and it looks like the courts will decide. Everyone I talk to says just file for divorce, but I grew up in a divorced family and I would hate to do that to my kids.

Anyway, I appreciate anyone who cares to comment and I am happy to clarify as this is the very short version. Thanks.

40 comments posted: Sunday, March 20th, 2022

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