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Newest Member: Clueless5613

New Beginnings :
Too serious too quick

Topic is Sleeping.

 TwoDozen (original poster member #74796) posted at 3:25 PM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

So I posted a little while ago about how good NC has been for me. It’s not complete NC because we have kids but it’s as good as I can hope it to be.

Since going NC I felt better almost immediately and started dating a couple of months later. Initially I went on 1 date with a friend which I knew immediately was a mistake and that mistake broke her heart. We seem to have gotten through that and back to friends (ish)

I then met someone OLD and went on a 1st date a few weeks back. We got on well and have communicated daily since and met a few times for coffee etc (etc being a very encompassing term in this context if you catch my drift)

She is super keen on me and everything I do or say inadvertently only seems to cement in her mind that I am mr perfect.

Last night I had an overwhelming feeling that things were moving too quickly and a major panic attack ensued. I do like this girl but I am already conscious that for me I think this is a short term relationship measured in weeks or months not years, but that she is on the verge of saying the ILYs and daydreaming about running off into the sunset, it’s got me scared as hell what I do here.

Any advice on how to pull this current relationship back to casual / lighthearted and steer it away from the meeting parents and god knows what next stage?

posts: 438   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8730539

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:49 PM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Any advice on how to pull this current relationship back to casual / lighthearted and steer it away from the meeting parents and god knows what next stage?

You don't say much about your thoughts on where this is going other then we get on well which isn't exactly a ringing endorsement. Do you see a potential future with her? Are you really interested in finding that out? If not time to throw this one back in the water.

If you are still interested in seeing where this is going, does she know your story? If not it's time to have that discussion. Use that to apply some brakes to how fast she is moving. If she knows, tell her about the panic attack. Be open, honest, and transparent. Remember to use the I feel sentences.

TwoDozen, you're a catch that your wgf should never have let get away. It shouldn't surprise you that the new gf is not about to make that mistake. If she's right for you she'll hear what you are saying and calibrate her behavior to make you comfortable while you are still healing. If not than that tells you it's time to move on until you've healed more or maybe she's just not a good GF for you.

The hardest part of post D for me was figuring out if what I was seeing and feeling was due to my scars or reality. Don't feel pressured to move faster than you are comfortable, but do consider whether your anxiety is warranted or just a left over side effect of the trauma.

P.S. This is good practice at defending your needs in a relationship.

[This message edited by grubs at 4:52 PM, Tuesday, April 19th]

posts: 1458   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8730566

 TwoDozen (original poster member #74796) posted at 5:13 PM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022


Being completely honest, yes I like her

Problem is I didn’t expect to meet her yet. I expected to have some fun looking first.

I believe I was healed enough to date and I still think that is the case but I wasn’t / am not healed enough to go straight into another long term relationship.

I am worried I will break her heart

posts: 438   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8730568

Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 9:27 PM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Hi TD,

Being completely honest, yes I like her

I believe I was healed enough to date and I still think that is the case but I wasn’t / am not healed enough to go straight into another long term relationship.

Just be honest with her and tell her what you told us. If she’s willing to take it slower, that could be great for both of you. If she gets her heart broken this easily and this this soon, I think that could be a pretty big red flag and you may jut have dodged a bullet.

On a side note, how has your XWGF dealt with you finally dethatching and now dating?

posts: 237   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8730628

 TwoDozen (original poster member #74796) posted at 10:17 PM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022


Re Detaching - she continues to find any excuse to contact me regarding kids but it’s becoming less and less. She isn’t doing too well. This has really affected her weight / health.

Just like here on SI no one IRL expected me to really leave WGF, not her family, my family and certainly not WGF….. my love for her was obvious to anyone who knew us. She is extremely confused. None of her family’s affairs ended in separation or divorce and most of them didn’t actually like each other.

Re Dating - she doesn’t know and I have no reason to tell her. My kids and my family don’t know either.

posts: 438   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8730643

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 11:51 PM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

I am worried I will break her heart

You may or you may not. Hearts getting broken are part of forming relationships. You're not that far in front of my timeline and I made it through. I've been married to my new beginning for eight years.

You're damaged, but that's ok. If she's a good fit she should know that and be understanding and patient with you. You are responsible for communicating your needs, even the need to take things slow and to be patient, and pulling the plug if they aren't met. You did do this with your xWGF with much more investment. You can do this with this new beginning. Hopefully with a better outcome.

posts: 1458   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8730660

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:41 PM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

You could be a very nice and accommodating guy. Maybe any woman would find you relatively easy to get along with. Hard for me to say.

If the plan was to "look around for a while and see what's out there". I wouldn't deviate from that plan. You are far less likely to "break her heart" if you make it clear that you aren't yet exclusive and you are still looking to meet new people.

This is the classic "secretary problem", and you shouldn't hire the first applicant, even if she is reasonably well qualified. You need to get calibrated on what is best for you.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2423   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8730759

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:10 PM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

I am in the same boat but the new R is long distance. My new BF has said ILY which sent me into a tailspin at first but I know feel the same and I know I'm also not ready for anything close to moving in together, meeting kids, etc.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8447   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8730776

papoula ( member #39079) posted at 1:41 AM on Thursday, April 21st, 2022

Be honest. Let her know that you are not ready for a long term relationship and that you don't see you two in a long term committed relationship and let her decide what she wants to do.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8730836

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:56 AM on Thursday, April 21st, 2022

We talk a lot about the BS having had their agency taken from them by their WS. That applies here. Be honest with her. Kind, but honest. Let her know where you are. And then let her decide what she wants to do.

Good luck!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5389   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8730854

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 11:31 PM on Thursday, April 21st, 2022

Re Dating - she doesn’t know and I have no reason to tell her. My kids and my family don’t know either.

Maybe a good place to start would be digging in to WHY your new lady friend is a secret. I think that there's something to be said about caution when you find yourself involved with someone who seems overly keen overly fast. So, you're right... that's an excellent time to slow down. But I think there's something holding you back from sharing your new dating status and I suspect once you get to the bottom of it, you'll find more insight into your reticence.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8731006

Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 12:54 AM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Just tell her you're still wanting to play the field so she knows that's an option for her as well. As long as the playing field is level for all involved.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 48 Him (WH) 51
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 302   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8731021

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 2:30 PM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

Stop having sex with her. Tell her that you need to see other people, not because there is anything wrong with her, but because that's where you are right now. Use the phrase "I need to play the field" with her, just like you did here. She will hear that one loud and clear.

It's only fair to her that you explicitly share how you feel about this. Since you've been cheated on, you know what it feels like to be left in the dark. Don't leave her in the dark, or even a little in the shade, about your interest in dating and having sex with other women at this time in your life. That's what cheaters do: try to keep a nice person hanging on while they explore other possibilities.

I don't think you'd be so worried about breaking her heart, if there wasn't also a concern about her moving on herself once you level with her. Well, that's a risk you'll have to take. You're not ready for this relationship at this time, so you need to give her the "possibly the right person but at the wrong time" speech.

If she's healthy, she'll start dating other people herself. If she's unhealthy, she'll keep trying to convince you to change your mind. That will tell you a lot about her. Either way, it is time for you to move on because you're not ready to be committed and she is, and that's an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship.

[This message edited by morningglory at 2:39 PM, Saturday, April 23rd]

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731423

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 5:27 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

I’m worried I will break her heart

You will. You absolutely will. And then it will break yours and you’ll feel much like a Wayward.

Been there-done that.

I don’t know how old you are, but I noticed dating in midlife is totally different than when dating in my 20-30’s. Many of the matches I dated were divorcées who seemed to be in a big damned hurry to get serious. Like time was a wastin’. Rush to ILY’s. Rush to exclusivity. Rush to moving in together. Some were even pretty careless with the birth control.

I too wanted to take it slow, choose carefully and make sure I wasn’t rebounding while simultaneously and conversely yearning for, and missing, the stability, affection and, especially, the intimacy… of a serious exclusive relationship like I had grown accustomed to throughout my 25 married years.

I’m sure I was sending very mixed messages. My right brain was thinking carefully, rationally, conservatively, pragmatically while the left was…

It seemed that my dating experiences ranged from totally aloof flakey player partners to those who would over commit. From one extreme to the other.

My post affair trust issues always had me wondering, are these women truly attracted to me for the right reasons? Am I? Are they rebounding? Am I? Are they desperately looking for stability, a warm, safe place to land? Am I? Are the ILY’s they seemed to be eager to profess based in something real and perhaps everlasting? Are mine?

Am I just using her for good company, a salve, affection, sex? Is she using me? Is this all legit?

And then, in an effort to slow things down to carefully evaluate and see how things go, things begin to insidiously, yet naturally evolve. She spends more time at your house, you hers. You begin meeting her friends and family, she yours. Tokens of affection increase. Etc. ("etc being a very encompassing term") until…

you realize things are going, have gone too far and, putting the breaks on at this point, is going to really…suck.

I think the only way to avoid this pitfall is, to be honest and communicate your honest feelings and intentions every..step..of-the-way. No subterfuge. No leading her on. Tell her you just want to be very careful, after everything you’ve been through. Tell her, honestly, what you’re getting-enjoying from the relationship so far, what your current feelings are, and then be honest about prospects for the future.

Be honest with her. Be honest with yourself.

So if the time comes to move on, you can do it on terms that sit well with your conscience. You can do it with class, as a gentleman and, terms she’ll perhaps understand and appreciate or, at least be able to forgive.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:57 AM, Saturday, May 14th]

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8735275

twicefooled ( member #42976) posted at 1:20 PM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

My best advice (from personal experience such as yours) is to be upfront and honest. Like you, I wanted to have some fun before I committed to anyone in particular. The responses ranged from "that's what I want too" to "if you are still seeing other people then it's not for me" I was also accused of being "too picky and/or too up front" from a few of them. However, in hindsight, they weren't the one for me.

I've been dating my guy for 18 months now and he appreciated all of my tips and tricks for making sure our relationship was a long term one. He didn't make me feel that I was "too much" of anything, he made me feel like he supported however I needed to see this through. I was still multi-dating at that time (he knew) and he had no problem with it (he wasn't seeing anyone else). That's what I love most about him, I can 100% be myself with all of my overthinking and other quirks. It took me a few months of multi-dating before realizing that he was "my guy" and I've never looked back.

You can't get around breaking hearts (because we can't control what others hear or think) but we can be the best version of our new selves and the right person will appreciate you for that).

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 484   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8735520

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:46 AM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Your panic attack was your body setting off an alarm. I think you should listen. It could be that you’re moving too fast or that she’s good to be true, or perhaps a bit of both.

Perhaps my life experience has made me cynical, but I am extremely suspicious of people who get too hot too quickly and come on that strong from the get-go. It usually means that they lose interest just as quickly or you’re being "love bombed" (a precursor to a toxic or abusive relationship).

I strongly advise you to pump the breaks, even if you’re smitten with her. If she is a really honest, sincere, and compassionate person she will understand and let you move at your own pace. If she gets really upset or doesn’t respect your boundaries, then end it.

Edit;add: If you plan on dating more than one person at a time, I don’t think you should be having sex with them. The first reason is to avoid STDs; the second is to avoid women forming deep attachments to you (even if they say they won’t) and causing unnecessary pain.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:50 AM, Tuesday, May 17th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1482   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8735634
Topic is Sleeping.
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