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Just Found Out :
Can't find a way to move on

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EmergingLady ( member #79881) posted at 2:50 AM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

OP,

First, I'm really sorry for what you're going through.


Now, you titled your thread "Can't find a way to move on."


What I'm going to say will encompass two parts.

First, you are right to feel what you are feeling. Our feelings are just that.

I get you're world has turned upside down, you're crushed etc.

I'm not discounting any of that, you should feel badly, it means you cared, you loved her, you wanted a future with her etc.

This won't go away quickly either, sadly, it takes time and sometimes a lot of time.


Now, on to my second part.

You, me, all of us, should want to be with a person, a partner who wants us the way we want them.

OP, if you were to find out your wife was coming back home to you, you'd be elated.

But what if she came home to you but she told you she doesn't love you anymore or that she loves you but isn't in love with you?

Could you lie in bed and hold her, wanting to hold her knowing she didn't love you the way you loved her?

How happy would you be, really, if the two of you were together like that?


Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset, hurt, emotional etc. You should be and I understand why you are.

I get you want her to love you, to want a future with you, but it seems as if she doesn't.

If she came back home to you now but she still felt this way about you, you would NOT be happy with her or happy with things.

She'd be sulking while around you, upset, unhappy etc.


I'm just trying to get at the title of your post is all OP.


Many years ago, my mom cheated on my dad and left for her AP. Less than 3 months later her AP broke up with her (everyone knew they weren't right for each other, except of course for my mother). That man used her, just for sex. But, to listen to my mom, she loved him and wanted to marry him. After the divorce when she moved to his city, things went downhill quickly as that man didn't want her full time along with her 3 children, my 2 brothers and me so he broke up with her. Well, they were never together really, just affair fantasy, he was using her.


Anyway, my mom wanted to try and reconciling with my dad. Now, my dad did NOT want to divorce her, but he did due to her cheating.

My dad wanted to grow old with my mom, but her actions made that impossible.

My mom wanted to try and reconcile but my dad knew she really didn't. If her AP hadn't broken up with her and ended things with my mom, my mom would have still been with him. She only came crawling back to my dad because her AP dumped her.


When my mom was talking to my dad about wanting to reconcile with him, my dad something really close to the following to my mother:

"I'd love to try and reconcile with you, if you love me the way I love you."

My mother was quiet after that. See, both my mother and father KNEW my mom didn't feel about him the way he felt about her.

Again, my dad would have loved for things to work out, but only if they for the right reasons.

My dad was NOT going to take my mom back and live with her knowing she wasn't happy, knowing she really didn't want to be with him, not the way my dad wanted to be with her.

My dad knew he wouldn't be happy, that he wouldn't be able to live with my mom knowing she was unhappy. My dad wasn't going to live with or put up with pity sex or duty sex from my mom.


What my dad wanted, the happily ever after with my mom, wasn't possible due to the way my mom was then.

So OP, this relates to you in a similar way. I get you're hurting and that will take a long time to go away.

But, when you said you "Can't find a way to move on", my suggestion for you is to think about how unhappy and miserable you'd be living with a lady, your wife, when you KNEW she didn't want to be with you, when her actions and her words let you know that.


What you want from her and expected from her isn't what she is, not anymore.

What you wanted is gone. I understand you're wanting the old her and you may pine for it, but if she were to come back home to you now, your happiness would be short lived and you'd soon become miserable trying to live with a partner who didn't want to be with you the way you wanted to be with her.

posts: 65   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: America
id 8734053
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 Bluejeans42 (original poster new member #80185) posted at 6:00 AM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

I understand that everyone is coming at this from experience and good advice. I also understand I am being a hopeless romantic thinking things will go back to normal and we can be happy again.

I am trying to learn to move on. I've been taking up hobbies and meeting up with old friends and family. I'm still a mess and trying my best.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2022
id 8734174
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qwert ( new member #57498) posted at 4:26 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

My condolences Bluejeans42. That first year was insane. I don’t remember how long the shock lasted. My wife did want to reconcile and wanted to do whatever she could to make that happen. It was still tremendously difficult. I couldn’t sleep. I could barely function at work. I gave up opportunities at work because i was just a mess.

My father was a womanizer. My mom tolerated it. I’ve seen it in my siblings as well. I told myself there was no freaking way i was going to be like them. I needed to do some deep diving into my own trauma work. This was another traumatic event in my life that needed love, compassionate, kindness, understanding from that guy looking back in the mirror.

As a condition of reconciliation, I offered my wife the option of her own IC, MC, and she needed to go to Al-Anon, CODA, another 12 step program, etc. The other option if she didn’t do these things was divorce. She was no different then the other WSs in trickle truths and lying. As painful as it was and probably because of my history, I was ready to divorce if i saw that she wasn’t committed. I still had to deal with my trauma. I still have to deal with my traumas. I still have trust issues. I still have underlying resentments (these I know are not good or healthy for me or my marriage).

I read a lot of books from the healing library. I saw a lot of Ted Talks on infidelity. I read posts here to see how folks were dealing with their post-trauma. I went back to IC, we did a few MC sessions, I joined another 12 step recovery program—Al-Anon. I had a lot of initial help from a WS in Al-Anon. She suggested and I found another BS to help me along. I had already been going to Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependence Anonymous, and Adult Children of Alcoholics. I walked and hiked like no ones business. Wife and I took a few Mindfulness classes. Mindfulness and Self Compassion was awesome. Near d-day, my mindfulness went out the window—I could not compete with the racing mind. I took melatonin to help with sleep. I also slept with Melodie Beaty’s book the Language of Letting Go in my arms. For some reason, it gave me comfort.

5 years out, still dealing with my trauma as issues come up. Much love.

posts: 34   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2017   ·   location: Los Angeles
id 8734206
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:42 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

I'm really uncertain here. On one hand, you might be going through the normal feelings that come with being betrayed and losing the person who was (past tense) the love of your life. It takes time to fully comprehend that she wasn't the person you thought she was. As painful as this loss is, there's no way around the pain; you just have to go through it.

OTOH, you could be going through this in a dysfunctional way. You may need to talk with someone IRL. Maybe meds will give you enough relief to go into the work of letting go.

I have a couple of suggestions for your consideration:

1) Talk to a pro in real life, preferably a good IC. You want someone who can tell the difference between normal reaction to loss vs. dysfunctional reaction.

2) Get your hands on a copy of Dr. Brenda Schaeffer's (sic) Is It Love or Is IT Addiction? and do a self-diagnosis. Her website has some stuff that may help you decide to spring for your own copy of her book if your public library doesn't have it.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8734209
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