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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Can't find a way to move on


grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:17 AM on Tuesday, April 5th, 2022

I still love her and would do anything to keep the marriage together.

I learned the hard way you can't love enough for both of you. Just as You can't work hard enough for both. Marriage has to be a shared effort. You deserve someone who has your back. Not someone willing to stab you in the back.
See an attorney. File for D. Detach yourself from her and her bad decisions before she drags you down further.
She was monkey branching to her AP. She only stayed long enough to make sure she made it to AP's tree before leaving you. If you had cut the branch off before she transitioned you might have had a chance of her waking up before it was too late. She may return if AP screws up enough in the next few months. But in the end it won't last. Too much damage has been done and someone selfish enough to cheat on their spouse isn't likely to be up for living with the consequences. If she does and you are still willing, make sure she puts in all the effort to fix what she F'd up before you put forth any effort. I doubt she's capable of the hard work to fix this.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8728081

BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 11:11 PM on Wednesday, April 6th, 2022

Hi @Bluejeans42 I'm so sorry you're having to go through this in your marriage and my heart goes out to you. I do understand how you're feeling because the truth is love is not something that you can turn off like a tap even if your spouse has been faithful.

I was just wondering if you have shared with your family and hers what is going on in your marriage. It might be helpful to find someone you both trust and respect to mediate for you and not go through this alone.

From my own experience that there can be healing and true R after infidelity so I've learnt to never to give up on love.

However I also do know that it takes two committed people to have a successful R and marriage.

I want to encourage you to remember that no matter what happens, you are deserving of love that can be trusted. Wish you all the best for the future.

[This message edited by BellaLee at 11:12 PM, Wednesday, April 6th]

posts: 198   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8728379

 Bluejeans42 (original poster new member #80185) posted at 9:40 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

I want to thank everyone who posted support for me here. I have to admit it hurt like hell to hear unanimously to move on. I couldn't bear to keep reading the posts.

I am going to slowly try to get help. I have already started medication and am starting therapy soon. I still have no idea how I am going to get through this but I'm going to try one day at a time.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2022
id 8731301

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 10:48 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

It's so painful and difficult to accept. I think you're doing the right thing though.. just taking it a day at a time and getting help when you need it. I know it sounds trite, but you're going to be okay. Really. It sucks and it seems like it goes on forever, but if you look around you here at SI, you're surrounded by people who have made it and are making it through to the other side. Hang in there... and breathe.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8731322

Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 12:21 AM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022


I know it's hard. It's hard just to breath right now. Mostly it's hard because the woman who betrayed you looks just like the woman you married, but it's not her.

This identical twin killed the woman you married and she won't be back. Treat this one with all the caution you would when handling any other dangerous animal.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8731351

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 1:45 AM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

Blue, you cannot save the marriage by yourself. No matter how many books you buy, read or wish. No counselor is going to save your marriage. The only way to save your marriage is IF, and that's a BIG IF, your Wayward wife wants to save the marriage.

So, listen here. Just step back and look at this from the standpoint of your child (I know you don't have any), or even your brother or sister. Maybe your Best Friend. If their significant other cheats and abandons them, and lets face it, your wife has abandoned you, what would you tell them. Would you tell your sister, brother to continue to chase this other person who has basically abandoned them? I bet the shoe may be on the other foot no? Now, is that the right answer? Probably!

That is the truth, we often give the best advice to others, even if we go and do otherwise. The reason for this is because when you're the one on the hotseat, you're the one dealing with this, you are weak. Your emotions, get in the way of making real, definitive and good decisions b/c your emotions are all over the place. Like you said, you're trying to save the marriage, but when you take a step back, you have look at it from the stand point of is it worth saving. What would single YOU tell YOURSELF?

You cannot make her love you. She has basically abandoned you, and its not your fault, but you do have to start working to get yourself back to a better mental state. You have to protect yourself b/c she is NOT. Would you really want to have babies with someone who has cheated and abandoned you? That's not the way to start a family. Being that you are young, that is why so many people are advising that you cut your losses. I divorced by ex when I was in my late 30s, and found someone much better. You have time on your side. Don't be a poster on here who is in their 50s, 60s and dealing with starting over. You have your change now, when you are still young.

if you still choose to try and win her back and R, I would suggest you go to the R forum and see what it is that they deal with. Look through some of the other threads where people catch their spouse cheating again. Its no fun. I would advise against that road at all cost. You will only waste more years of your life. You don't have to divorce her today, but the more you hang around and read, you;ll see that R is tough and not many make it. Its just what it is.

posts: 1312   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8731360

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 3:50 AM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

I'm sorry you've been abandoned and had your heart broken. I've been there. The bright side for you is that you're very young and that you have no children with her. Having no children with her means you're completely free to move on as your heart heals (it WILL heal, completely- one day you will look back on this and feel amazed that you ever cried over her), and being young means there will still be ample single women available to get involved with.

You've lived and learned. Let this experience teach you to check carefully for red flags when getting into a relationship. In-depth premarital counseling is a good idea before marrying again, as well.

I'm sure you will marry again. A young, faithful, loving man is absolutely in demand in the dating world.

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:29 PM, Saturday, April 23rd]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731379

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:03 AM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

I was in your shoes but after 25 years of marriage. The affair was about 9 months in duration. My H never left and I was left to watch the cheating going on practically in front of me.

My H did come to his senses at the last possible second. I had already just told him I was done and D him. Me whine during his affair he kept telling me he was kicking me to the curb for the OW.

I hope your wife wises up soon. However you cannot wait around forever. That is unfair to you.

Get some counseling for yourself. It will be the best thing you can do for yourself.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:36 AM, Saturday, April 23rd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8731382

redbaron007 ( member #50144) posted at 9:02 AM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

Couples recover from this and I'm trying everything I can.

Recovery outcome as well as duration really depends on both of you - how remorseful she is, and how long it will take you to recover, if at all. Don't believe the "2 to 5 year recovery thumb-rule" bull-crap, its not based on any scientific studies, and therefore meaningless and unhelpful. It make take you 2, 5, 10, 15, 20 years to recover, or partially recover, or you may never recover. At this point, as others have suggested, stop playing the pick-me-dance which will never work, and pick yourself up. It's good that you're seeking professional help - cognitive behavior therapy helped me a lot in those difficult early days. Stay strong and you can get over this.

Me: BS (44)
She: WS (41)
One son (6)
DDay: May 2015 (OBS told me)
Divorced, Zero regrets, sound sleep, son doing great!
A FOG is just a weather phenomenon. An Affair Fog is a clever excuse invented by WS's to explain their continued bad behavior.

posts: 247   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015   ·   location: West Coast
id 8731404

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:43 AM on Saturday, April 23rd, 2022

I tried everything too. It only annoyed my H. It angered him as I was perceived to be standing in his way.

Which I was. We were still married. With kids and a house and 25 years of a life built together. Until he decided he wanted out.

I’m curious as to how your wife just up and left BlueJesns42. That is just cold.

I’m Suggesting you need a plan if she returns. Because she’s probably going to expect you to sweep this under the rug. And I can tell you from experience that if you allow that, odds are she will cheat again.

She won’t want to talk about it (most cheaters don’t)
She will try to convince you "it’s in the past and we should move on" which is another typical cheater move.
She will say "we don’t need marriage counseling" which is a way to avoid holding her feet to the fire

Hope this helps you to know what the typical cheater behavior is.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8731407

 Bluejeans42 (original poster new member #80185) posted at 8:35 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

I’m curious as to how your wife just up and left BlueJesns42. That is just cold.

I have battled with depression for a long time and was in a bad spot living so far away from family and friends. We moved out away from where we were from 4 years ago, nearly 3 years into marriage. So I was in a rough spot and she claimed she got lonely and sad and I didn't notice and a coworker of hers did.

It was like a switch went off and everything she had felt for me had disappeared. This completely blindsided me.

We lived together for another 6 months and I took a job back near family. So at least I'm back by some sort of a support group. It's tough since life doesn't stop for this and everyone else has life happening too so there is far too much alone time right now and I'm not handling it well at all.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2022
id 8732768

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 9:44 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

That's where learning to love and care for yourself comes into play. If you haven't tried it yet, read a copy of that book I mentioned to you earlier in the thread. It can help get you started.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8732801

 Bluejeans42 (original poster new member #80185) posted at 10:02 PM on Friday, April 29th, 2022

I started the book but haven't finished it yet

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2022
id 8732804

beauchateaux ( member #57201) posted at 1:23 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

I took a job back near family. So at least I'm back by some sort of a support group.

I’m really happy to hear this. Whatever your WW’s deal is, you need to surround yourself with people who DO love you. It can be embarrassing to talk about (even though you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about, to be absolutely clear) but pick a couple people you can confide in.

When I finally let go of my misplaced feelings of shame and confided in my sister and one of my closest friends, it felt like coming out of a horrible fog. All of a sudden I could see myself and the situation as it actually WAS and not how WH wanted me to see it.

It was like greeting an old, treasured friend again - myself. And it still hurt, but at least I wasn’t bearing it alone.

As everyone else has said, you ARE young, you have plenty of happiness ahead of you, and you WILL be okay. Hugs to you.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 1:24 AM, Saturday, April 30th]

I edit pretty much every post because I always hit submit and then think of 'one more thing' to say.

posts: 302   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2017   ·   location: Chicago
id 8732828

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:38 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

I’m sorry your depression was causing you such pain.

I’m sorry your Wife decided to abandon you b/c of it.

I hope things start to improve for you soon.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8732842

pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 11:38 AM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

I loved my ws so much. I waited and waited for him. The truth is there is nothing we can do and reaching out while another person turns away and actively hurts us is a long and painful experience. We all make our own choices and that is a great gift. It doesn't seem like a gift to be able to walk away from someone you love. There's no need to stop loving her. I still care about my ws even after all that happened. I see him for everything he is now..the good and the bad. The truth is he's not a person I can trust who will help me grow in my life. He doesn't want to change for the better. Maybe he can't. What I know is he decided long ago not to try. Doesn't mean he isn't nice when we speak.

I miss our old life. Everything we built and did. All my old dreams and hopes. All the things I thought he was and thought I was. It's hard to face it sometimes. I tried to hang on to that thinking that he would snap out of it if I was patient enough. It's hard to let someone go that you want to be with, but friend it is even harder to wait and wait. It prolongs the sadness and keeps you from turning your energy toward building your new life.

I want for us both someone who chooses us first. Loves us for who we are. It hurts so much to be abandoned. It hurts. But that hurt will not go on and on forever. This is only one chapter in your life. You have most of it before you and that's a blessing. Every day is a great gift. I have sad days when I miss the past. That's OK. It doesn't prevent my journey forward.

One of the best things right now is get a good sleep routine going, eat healthy and 3xercise to burn off stress. Find a time to clear your mind of these sad thoughts. Turn your mind to something creative or a skill or be productive. Something you like. Just give yourself a break.

You are not less than. That's not why she went away. I don't know what she wants from life. Some people will keep jumping from person to person looking for happiness. As soon as they get bored they're off again. Some want a person to be stable at home and run around chasing excitement in secret. They never find contentment. They never find peace. Maybe they find peace boring..who knows. I wouldn't like a life of constant disturbance. It's best to let them go.

Find out what you really want from life. Work on your health and practice kindness. Love will come again. You will be seen for the good person you are.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8732879

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:34 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

Are you still depressed? Is it situational or chronic. You have my deepest sympathy whatever it is, and I urge you to get treatment for yourself. The most likely source of good treatment is a good psychiatrist.

Chronic depression probably has a physical component, and meds help. But each med hits each individual differently, and psychiatrists are the most likely people to know which meds will be best for you.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8732898

crumbs ( member #28953) posted at 6:03 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

No matter when it happens in life, there is nothing more devastating than the first heart-break. We simply don't have the life experience to know how to handle it so everything seems more bleak, dark, and hopeless than it actually is. In time and with more experience, we come to know that we can both survive and thrive again. We know it's not the end of our world but the beginning of something new. We accept that there are stages of grief and we allow ourselves to go through them. We scream, cry, get angry, feel helpless, crawl into a dark hole then eventually crawl out again. We learn about ourselves, about our own needs and desires, and we use the heart hurts to narrow the list of what we will and won't accept in our next relationship. Or the one after that.

I know, easier said than believed, but I promise that it's true. 99% of us will experience this at some point in our lives--some when we're young (I was 21 when my heart was shattered the first time), others well into the later years of life. The good thing is, there will never be another "first heart-break." If we're fortunate, we only have one, but many of us seem to go through many. They always hurt desperately, but you do learn there are cycles and steps to get through.

One hard lesson is that you can't control the outcome and the sooner you can allow yourself to let go of that part of it, the more you'll be able to focus on what you CAN control. And that is you. There are a lot of cliches in relationships, but many of them have been around forever because they have a lot of truth. "You can't love someone else until you can love yourself first." What would help you learn to love you, Blue? You have made HUGE steps in moving back to a support system! Focusing on identifying and managing your depression. For now, that might be all you can handle and that's okay. One step at a time. When you're ready, maybe working on your physical health can be added--being stronger and healthier is always a positive. In time, you'll be ready to tackle more, but you don't have to take it all on at once. Notice, I haven't mentioned your this point, she can't be your focus because there is NOTHING you can do to change her...she has to find her own way to be mentally and morally healthy. Two broken people don't make a whole...but two whole people can be amazing.

DDay 2009Wouldn't stop - Moved out 8/10Divorced 2015 (Divorcing a NPD is no fun)

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2010
id 8732925

Elle2 ( member #64338) posted at 6:20 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

My WH suffers from depression. That does not give me an excuse to have an A and to completely abandon him and the life we created. Trust me, there were plenty of times where D crossed my mind because he was not helping himself, however when I got married and made my vows, I meant every word I said. For better or for worse. I think WS forget that. And they loose sight of the fact that for better or worse is a moving target. Its not always gonna be "better" and it doesn't always have to be "worse". I say that to tell you, your depression does not define your marriage or give her justification for her actions. Dont believe that for one second.
The thing that hurts me and I think hurts many of us BS is that our WS act like the marriage was literally the worst in the history of man, and we are mostly unaware how miserable they are. There should be conversations and check ins and counseling before anything else. But the WS jumps from "this is hard/boring/lonely" to an A. Meanwhile we are home, thinking we can get through this. Completely unaware to the devil living with us.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 344   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8732929

standinghere ( member #34689) posted at 9:03 PM on Saturday, April 30th, 2022

You have received good advice here. Your depression, her loneliness, the moves, the coworker, nothing of that has anything to do with her cheating.

21 years ago, I was in a similar situation, my wife was depressed, I was lonely, we lived a long way from my family, married for 9 years, I worked with mostly female colleagues, no sex at home, frequently rejected by my wife who stated clearly she just didn't have any interest in sex, didn't like sex with the kids around, or if anyone else might hear such as in a hotel, I had tried everything I could think of at home.

A casual married acquaintance expressed a desire to fuck in an isolated parking lot.

So my wife just went for it!😱 as well as a at our home with our kids there, in the woods near a campground, in the middle of the day in a public park, our garage, at a local business after they locked up, at the AP's house, while his wife was at work... you get the picture.

Yeah, she blamed me. Just like your wife blamed you. I was still doing everything I could to make things better, dealing with the issues, making the best of what hand I had been dealt. She blamed me for 9 years, she blamed me in MC, she blamed me in IC. It was all my fault. Till finally a female counselor called her out on it.

Except we had 4 children.

Your wife could have divorced you without cheating. She could have done a lot of things. However, she chose to cheat.

Let her go, She just showed you what she will be like when the chips are really down.

Work on your mental health, change the locks on your door, get IC, this is the hardest thing thing you likely will deal with for a long time.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 50’s)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 50’s)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

posts: 1457   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 8732945
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