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Just Found Out :
Can't find a way to move on

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 Bluejeans42 (original poster new member #80185) posted at 3:18 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Still trying to find strength in all the advice here. I wake up each morning in tears to the empty spot in bed next to me and want nothing more than to reach out to someone, mainly my wife.

No matter how ugly she is being, I can't seem to shake the feelings I have for her. Yes, I'm beyond mad and the times I imagine her in bed with the AP I want to scream.

I come from a fairly religious background and I'm sure some people will disagree with religion but I ask for understanding. My wife being even more religious than I, makes the betrayal sting even more. Especially since the AP has no part in religion. Don't let this section take over the thread I am just venting. I am not able to do so in a way I want to anymore.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2022
id 8733134
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:23 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

I’m sorry BlueJeans.

As you can see you just don’t "get over this" in a short timeframe.

It takes time. For some it takes longer than others unfortunately.

There are varying stages of grief. You have to cycle through them. This trauma is very hard to understand if you have not been through it.

I understand your belief that your wife is religious and a good person. Unfortunately her moral character has been tested and she failed. She chose to commit adultery.

Maybe a pet can help you. I have seen it really help some people.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733136
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 Bluejeans42 (original poster new member #80185) posted at 4:01 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

I have a dog that I have kept in the separation. He helps a ton but I worry about him because he has slowed down on eating and I'm struggling to give him the attention he needs. I moved from having 3 acres for him to run around on to an apartment.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2022
id 8733144
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lifestoshort ( member #18442) posted at 6:41 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

i had to leave the country, several times to get out of my head and not get triggered. I am not rich by an means but it was my health and sanity I was saving so it was worth it to me. I may actually go for a weekend again to just breathe it all out.

You have to get out in nature, hike, fish, go hack down a dead tree... anything to release. and talk to yourself and then process however you wish. there is NO time limit. people who told me to get over it, I told to F off and never spoke w them again. its your healing, no one elses. but dont just sit and stew. it wont fix a darn thing. it actually makes it worse.

Im 45. 1st H I left in 2001 after 3 kids. narcassist.
2nd exH had MANY affairs.FALSE R. cheats again. D 5/09. 2 kids. I got 100% custody. ex hasnt seen kids in 6 yrs.
2014 to now: dated highschool sweetheart. He cheated w 23 yr old & left.

posts: 1061   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2008
id 8733170
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lifestoshort ( member #18442) posted at 6:46 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

bluejeans, if it makes you feel any better... I still love my ex. he is the only person I loved this much and shared so much with and I didnt even marry him or give birth to his kids but HE is the person I have spent the most time, realiness and since my childhood. Instead of fighting to let him go, I embraced that I had so many amazing moments with him and learned so much. I will cherish that. I hate so much and am angry but I carry love too. You do not have to rush anything or do this or that.

all of what you feel is good. feeling is healthy. releasing is healthy and means you are alive! when you feel nothig it means you are in trouble.

you will have to see the person you loved deeply as dead. gone. passed. terminated. that helped me. and you start to see them differently and you grieve. i read books about it and then i stopped doing everything that was about him or reminded me of him. I just blocked it for a bit. you will do what you have to and it will get easier and easier.

I think you should get a cat, dog, chickens or something to make you get up and live for. these are all goofy creatures that make you laugh so it would be super helpful to brighten your life and days.

you can do this. ad you will look back one day and say you flourished after.

Im 45. 1st H I left in 2001 after 3 kids. narcassist.
2nd exH had MANY affairs.FALSE R. cheats again. D 5/09. 2 kids. I got 100% custody. ex hasnt seen kids in 6 yrs.
2014 to now: dated highschool sweetheart. He cheated w 23 yr old & left.

posts: 1061   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2008
id 8733172
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:22 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Your dog may be depressed too, adjusting to the new situation. Go for walks when you can. It's a slow healing process. I hope this deep sadness will bring a great compassion for others. And you will find strength too like the great tree that survived the storm. You will be able to guide and comfort others.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8733220
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 4:11 AM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

One thing that can be helpful is to avoid any carb crashes. That always made my sadness more intense. I would eat too much carbohydrates and it gives a little mood boost but then a few hours later when my blood sugar dropped I felt very low. If you aim for a small portion say a fist sized amount with a meal and also include a fist sized protein and some healthy fats that will really help your body avoid mood swings. Try if you can to get some mental boost from walking outside or a little cardio. It's hard when you don't feel like doing much but if you can just manage a little for the sake of your dog it will help you.

Trust your healing to dear grandfather time. You were not born only to suffer. You can't imagine all the things you'll do and the people you'll meet. Maybe kids who love you and are waiting to come into your life. The world needs every good person. Find some beauty in the world every day. Buy some flowers for your room. Make a corner with colors and things you like. Something to look on when you are quiet. Something to soothe your soul.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8733478
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:07 AM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

Hey BlueJeans,

You probably feel like you’ve been bombarded with advice and suggestions. It may be " too much" at this point )though we all mean well).

How are things going for you?

Have you made any changes or have you done anything that you feel has helped you?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733502
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 Bluejeans42 (original poster new member #80185) posted at 4:23 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

How are things going for you?

Have you made any changes or have you done anything that you feel has helped you?

The1stwife,

I would say things are still pretty horrible. However, I have been attempting to do things to help me. I reached out to an old friend and am going to get into rock climbing with that person. I have a regular meeting with a counselor but my one visit so far was uneventful.

The only thing that has done a lot to raise my spirit is that I know my wife attended therapy yesterday. Although, I am also pretty sure she has also moved in with her AP at the same time.

I started reading a book on abandonment as was recommended previously. It has been right so far about the feelings I have been going through.

Overall, I'm still self destructing but I am trying my hardest to forge my own path. I appreciate your concern and checking in on me, right now that is what I have been craving the most is someone to talk to about the situation that isn't just telling me to "get over it." Even when I know that is what must be done.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2022
id 8733550
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 5:39 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

I still have no idea how I am going to get through this but I'm going to try one day at a time.

It is all you can realky do. You put one foot in front of the other. A lot of us here have not only survived, but thrived after infidelity.

Keep doing IC. Keep eating healthy. Excercise does wonders as well. Please take good care of yourself mentally, spiritually and physically. You are young and you have a full life ahead of you. Your WW is acting as she expects you to wait for her. Stop doing that. Slowly accept that she is gone and begin to build a life for yourself with good people you can trust that want what is best for you.

Keep posting. We have been there and will help in whatever way we can.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5001   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8733568
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Drstrangelove ( member #80134) posted at 6:33 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

I haven't commented on any other threads as I'm probably in no condition to give anyone else advise right now as my own D-Day is still fresh. Your thread grabbed my attention though.

Believe others when they tell you that the only way out from this--regardless of the end result--is to turn your back on her immediately. You need to proceed with separation and make it clear that you're done with her. There are no children in your life complicating matters and she's actively sleeping with the AP--the relationship with this woman is over.

You need to focus on you right now--where you need to live and work, and how you're going to untangle yourself from her. With distance, separation and your IC, I won't tell you what you'll find, but I'm certain where her path leads: there's no happiness for her in the relationship with AP. It's a time bomb waiting to go off and that relationship will implode on its own. Only then is there a chance she gains clarity on you and her reasons for the affair--but right now she's lost without a clue.

Get yourself right and fix the things that led you to this point in your life. You're not ready for a new relationship right now--including with your own wife. Fix the small things first and work with your IC to expand from there.

Good luck. And don't discount the benefit of still being young with no kids--all breakups suck, but you will rebound from this one.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8733574
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 7:28 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

I have a dog that I have kept in the separation. He helps a ton but I worry about him because he has slowed down on eating and I'm struggling to give him the attention he needs. I moved from having 3 acres for him to run around on to an apartment.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to get up and get moving when you're depressed. But the consequences of not doing it are prolonging your suffering and keeping you depressed. Walk the dog. It's good for both of you. Do it several times a day and for a good amount of time. Yeah, easier said than done. I get that. Believe me, I do. I remember how hard it was, how tired I was, and how often I failed to make the good choice. Here's the thing though, it will increase your endorphins and make both of you feel better.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8733581
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 8:12 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

You are on a tough path, but believe me, it will get better. When I was where you are, I was suffering greatly. Mind you, I was still with my STBXWW, trying to recover. When I eventually filed and moved out on my own, the healing seemed easier, since I had physically separated from the source of my pain.

The best piece of advice I was given early on, was that I am not my feelings. I just experience them. So, I am not sad, but merely experiencing the feeling of sadness, which is a temporary thing. Once it is done, it will be replaced with another experience. This helps me in times of sadness or loneliness, which I still feel 4.5 years out. Mind you, they are much less intense and frequent.

During my healing journey, I learned to put myself first. I learned to live again. I learned to say yes to life. Those things really helped and I have become very comfortable with myself and my own company. Good luck and hoping for good things for you.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8733586
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:40 AM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

No one here will tell you to just get over it. That is a comment from people who have not been devastated by infidelity.

Every one of us have been in your shoes at some point.

I fought like hell to save my marriage for 6 long hard months. I didn’t want a D yet every 2-3 weeks my CH demanded a D. Then he’d change his mind. Then he’d start to treat me badly and then demand a D again.

I couldn’t think clearly the first 3 months but I had an excellent therapist that helped me keep my wits about me plus I had kids and a job that I loved but I worked for a toxic narcissist. Not my favorite year that’s for sure.

I think you are doing your best. And that is all you can do right now. Get up and out every day. Glad to see you have plans to do some physical activity.

In the beginning you have to force yourself to do things. You will see over time it gets easier.

You can private message me anytime if you wish. Always willing to listen.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733626
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 4:12 AM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Sadness feels like swimming against a current. It's exhausting. That's why we all suggest to give your mind breaks from the thoughts. I used to stand in the wind or in the shower. Doing nothing. I remember feeding wood into the fire every night looking at the flames for hours. We all heal on our own time. There is no best way.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8733792
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 Bluejeans42 (original poster new member #80185) posted at 5:24 AM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Today is one of those days that is insanely overwhelming. I almost tried calling the AP to give him a piece of my mind but the universe stopped me because his number disappeared from the area I kept it when I blocked him. I knew it wasn't a good idea to do it in the first place but nothing was going to stop me except, well... Not having the number.

None of this is easy and I find myself every night getting home to an empty apartment and instantly fall into overwhelming sadness just desperate to talk to someone. I send out random messages to see if I get any bites but never seems to work. So here I am venting on the internet. I am beyond angry knowing that my WW moved back to the state we just left to get back to the AP and here I am not getting over it. I know I need to move on and honestly I am trying but it's getting more difficult as time goes on.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2022
id 8733797
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:10 AM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Are your random messages on an online dating app? If so - that can be tricky. If you get a response it could be good or bad - depending upon if the person is a solid person or another person with issues and baggage etc.

Coming home to an empty apartment probably feels like a setback for you right now. You feel like you are floundering b/c your life has been up-ended.

Sadly it has.

But you are able to turn that around. It is not easy. You have to start over in some ways. It may not happen today or tomorrow or the next day.

As I planned to D my due to his cheating I knew what I was facing. Starting over in my 50s. With kids. Single mom to be.

But I decided if I never dated again — I would be ok. I don’t need a guy or a relationship to fulfill me. I had plenty of things to do to keep me happy and fulfilled and busy. Would it hurt to be single after 25 years of marriage? Absolutely. But it was better than living through the hell of being with a lying cheating spouse.

It’s all about your mental outlook. Divorce and abandonment stink!!!

But I reflect on Holocaust survivors who faced a hell we cannot understand or fathom. A friend from elementary school had a Dad who was a survivor. I had a teacher in HS who had a # tattooed on her arm - she was a survivor. But so many went in to live good happy lives despite their past. Despite losing families etc.

In some ways we all face devastating pain and loss in life. Careers upended, illness, death, divorce etc. Emotionally devastating events. Pain beyond belief.

It’s easy to say "move forward" than to do it. We all know that. We just know it is a slow painful process to recover from an affair, with its betrayal and devastation.

But know this period is temporary. You will survive. You will heal. You will recover. It just doesn’t happen overnight.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:11 AM, Friday, May 6th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733806
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 11:35 AM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

The only thing that has done a lot to raise my spirit is that I know my wife attended therapy yesterday. Although, I am also pretty sure she has also moved in with her AP at the same time.

You need to go no contact with her. Really. Your emotional highs and lows need to become unrelated to her actions, and that won't happen as long as you're in contact with her, even hearing about her. Block her number, block her on social media, drop the mutual friends who are still her friends, don't stay in touch with her family, etc. It's over and for your healing, you have to move on 100% without her in your life.

That is NOT telling you to "just get over it". That is giving you very concrete advice on what specific action to take at this time, and it's action that will be effective. I've been where you've been, in love with a person who mistreated and discarded me. I know it is very painful. The way I overcame it emotionally was to go no contact. Even just seeing him around occasionally without us even talking was too much for me, kept me stuck in his emotional loop. Once he was completely cut out of my life, I was able to detach emotionally and fall out of love. I no longer pine for him at all (and I certainly did then- I had been completely in love). So moving on from a broken heart and betrayal and no longer feeling pain is 100% possible. It's probably the norm, given how many others agree that going no contact works. You don't have to just take my word for it. Others will give the same advice.

[This message edited by morningglory at 11:41 AM, Friday, May 6th]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8733853
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:47 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Bluejeans

I have been in your shoes. I get it. I know how it feels…
I walked out of my relationship after catching her having sex with another man. It was my decision but despite my correct 100% certain belief that our relationship as husband and wife wasn’t maintainable (for the record – we were engaged but only about 5 weeks from the set date) then it didn’t change that I loved her with every breath in my body and the betrayal was brutal.
Heck… I even sat one evening with my gun beside me and even had the barrel in my mouth for a few seconds. I get it. It hurts like nothing ever before or since hurts.

But I’m still here… Close to 40 years later. Didn’t eat a bullet and don’t doubt my decision was correct.

I want to share some thoughts and things I did in the hope they help you.

For one realize and accept the reality of what’s happening. Like it or not your wife CAN make and take these decisions. She CAN decide that Mr. Wonderpants is the real deal, and you are yesterday’s news. Like it or not and irrespective of the moral issues she CAN, and she HAS.
In some ways it’s like if you are driving along Main Street, crossing a junction on a green light and then someone crashes into your car. You can be all huffed about that driver ignoring a red light, that person might be drunk or might get his license revoked or go to jail or whatever. But in all honesty THAT person isn’t relevant. What is relevant is no matter who eventually pays for the damage your vehicle is a total write-off and you have a ton of injuries you need to recover from. THAT is the reality. The other driver won’t do your physiotherapy, the other driver won’t go get your vehicle towed away or go buy you a new one. YOU do all the work, and YOU do your own recovery. You could spend all evening wishing the crash never happened, but still have your foot in a cast.

This is the same. She did what she did, and maybe one day karma will have her grow a beard or whatever. Or OM turns out to be gay or they join a cult or whatever. But none of that will have any real impact on YOU and YOUR recovery. YOU need to do your own recovery and although some others can aid you the work is all you.

Then realize that what you are experiencing is a combination of biology and thoughts…
Your metabolism, how your body reacts and all that are contributing to your feelings of tiredness, hopelessness, despair, melancholy…
But so are your thoughts.

I’m not so naïve as to suggest simply deciding to be happy will make things fine.
But… by acting in a more content way, by forcing your body to do stuff and by consciously think about what and how you think… you can slowly change course.
These are actions I took after d-day:

I consciously decided that work was where I worked. At the time I was in law-enforcement, and I couldn’t afford to take my issues on the road. Before entering the station, I would sit in my car and consciously tell myself that for the next 8 hours SHE and my misery were not welcome to my thoughts. Of course, simply deciding wasn’t enough, but what happened was that when I was feeling blue, I would be aware of it and decide to think along another path or take some action that forced me to think of other things. With time I managed to do long shifts with no thoughts about how unfair this all was, how she deceived me, how I missed her…
Doesn’t mean I was happy. But at least I wasn’t building up more sorrow.

I did the same for sleep. When I went to bed, I used meditation to empty my mind and fall asleep. If I was aware that I was thinking of my misery I consciously decided to focus on meditation, and if that didn’t work, I would get out of bed and complete a chore off a list I had. These chores were absolute beauties like clean the bathroom, wax the car, polish my shoes… Mind-numbing tasks that got me tired and got my focus aligned.

I didn’t get sleep-aids. In retrospect I should have gotten sleeping pills and even some happy pills. Afraid of addiction? Take mild dosages for a very limited time.

I made certain I was physically tired. I ran, lifter weights, took walks, rode a bike…

I ate healthy. More importantly I ate to a schedule. Appetite goes out the window, but you need the energy to deal with all this. It’s quite easy to line up healthy options so you are regularly replenishing energy. By healthy I don’t mean alfa alfa and tofu for all meals, but I made sure I was eating fish, chicken and unprocessed meats along with veggies.

I did my best to recognize what situations got me the worst. Like if you realize that when you come home and fall into the couch and turn on TV is when you start feeling all sad… then avoid that situation! Come home, clean the house, open the windows and get fresh air, take a walk, cook a meal… basically break the pattern of misery.

The hardest thing for me was to force myself to be out amongst people…
Don’t visit a friend and saddle him with your issues but do visit a friend. Grab a coffee and talk about stuff – your marriage included BUT NOT EXCLUSIVELY!

Join clubs. I recommended jogging – any jogging groups in your area? Rather than go to the gym and lift alone then join a group activity. Ever wanted to learn golf/fishing/shooting/knitting… join a course or group. Be amongst people.

Do things that are fun. Even if they aren’t for you. I would go to every comedy movie and try to laugh.
Speaking about laughter… is there anyone offering laughter-yoga in your area? Join. You will feel like an ass but remember what I said about forcing your body to do stuff to change how it acts? It’s been proven that even a forced laugh can start off the joy-hormones laughter offers.

The main gist of what I’m sharing though is that nothing will change unless YOU make it change. YOU need to take actions and take steps.


Finally…

Are you in the divorce process?
I know that’s not what you want. Not any more than you wanted that truck to ram you in my above comparison. But if your wife has decided she wants out and she wants the OM… well… all that’s left is the legal process…
Keep in mind all the legal implications of marriage. Like if your wife uses a credit-card that was issued when things were fine with you two there is a high risk of financial accountability. Yes, I know you could sue, or a court can get you off or whatever, but 3-5 years from now you don’t want a collection agency phoning you for her sins. This is just a simple example, there are numerous other legal implications that are not valid right now, like access to medical decisions and such. Divorce isn’t really the emotional dissolution of a marriage but more of a practical rearrangement and distancing from a past contract (marriage). You don’t divorce because of anger or spite, but more because what you two have really has no resemblance anymore to marriage.

It might ease your decision to offer something like:
Wife – This is not what I want or how I envisioned our lives, but it is what it is. I realize that and accept that. I would be willing to work on our marriage, but there really is nothing that tells me that is realistic. Therefore, it’s to both our benefit to formaly end our marriage and finish the process of divorce. There are laws and regulations that outline how this is done and we can hopefully follow that procedure and finish this as fairly and amicably as possible. I am starting the process and here are my suggestions on our next steps…

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10590   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8733889
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:02 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

BlueJeans.

Your wife is going to therapy. It could be she’s going to vent in her issues and why the marriage ended the way it did.

Please do not pin your hopes on anything she does.

It doesn’t mean she’s going to change her mind.

My H went to 2 or 3 counseling sessions right after Dday then quit. I am certain (though no proof) that he was going to discuss his mid life crisis affair with his therapist. And why he didn’t want to be married to me.

Don’t read too much into anything. This way there is less disappointment for you if it doesn’t go according to plan.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733979
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