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I recently discovered the man who I have always known as my father, is quite possibly not. There is so much evidence to support this. I am almost 100% sure my dad doesn't know. My mother is deceased as is my biological father. I cannot function at the moment-I haven't told anyone-nobody knows- and I don't plan on saying anything-but how do I handle this? I am SHATTERED!!! I am having to pretend that I am fine-I have no clue where to go from here. How do I get through this? I want it all to go away. I was contacted by a relative of my bio dad. She put all the pieces together, and decided I should know. My heart is in pieces...I want this to all be over-I am humiliated, devastated and terrified. I don't feel like I am tethered to the earth anymore. I feel so lost. My dad is my world!! I have four other siblings-and I won't ever tell them. I just don't know what to do...I can barely function right now. This cannot be real....

I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I'm sure the whole range of emotions you're experiencing are all normal. This must have been quite a shock.

You're family is still your family. They love you.

Maybe a counselor could help you work through what your feeling.

HUGS!!!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

You are not alone.

I found out,very recently, that the man who I called dad,my brother's dad,was my father as well.

Who I had been told was my biological father, the man who signed over his parental rights,and allowed my brother's dad to adopt me,is actually not my biological father.

Unfortunately,neither man was a good dad. Both abandoned me. The first dad didn't bother me much,because I was a baby. But the man who turned out to be my biological father messed me up, pretty bad. He is responsible for most of my foo issues.

I found out a week after he died.

My brother was suspicious that he wasn't his dad,so his nurse helped him collect DNA, for a paternity test. The man was on his death bed,so let's not talk ethics here. Anyway, I participated in the test as well,because we thought my brother might be my "biological" dad's child. Instead,we found out that man wasn't my dad,and my brother and I shared both parents.

This was in October. There's nothing I can do about it,because he's dead now. So is mom.

I do want to tell you..your dad IS your dad. No test,or genetics can change that.

It's very much a shock to the system, and understandably. I don't know what I would do if forced into a situation where I had information about a relationship that wasn't true. I pretty much wear my emotions on my sleeves, so it would be hard to keep to myself. But as an earlier poster said, he is still your father, just not biologically. The shame you're feeling is because you're having to keep a secret. You might want to consider not keeping this secret. As they say in 12-step groups, you're only as sick as your secrets.

Both of my grandfathers died before I was born. Not long after my father died 20 years ago, I found out the person who was married to my grandmother, was not my dad's biological father. My grandmother got pregnant at 19, with a 3rd grade education, and the father ran off. So this other guy steps in, with the 'intent' of making my grandmother a respectable woman. Evidently, every time dad's father looked at him, though, he was reminded of the guy my grandmother had been with. So he was not a good father to my dad. The only reason I found out, was because my grandmother told one of my brothers before she died (she died only a year and a half before my father). This father didn't adopt my dad legally until he was in his early 20s and drafted for WWII. The only reason he did it then was so, if something happened to my father, my dad's assets (which weren't much) would go to him. But my dad and mom kept this secret from us four siblings to their death bed. Never indicated anything other than what we knew for their entire lives. They obviously felt an incredibly amount of shame surrounding this information. I think it was just so sad, that they felt such shame, to the point where they felt like they had to keep it a secret, or face (what they thought) humiliation from others. They were both Catholic, and admitting to an out-of-wedlock baby would have been humiliating. My grandma spent a lot of time going to mass... in her later years, every day (she lived in a Catholic skilled nursing facility), and I suspect it was because of the shame she felt having a baby out-of-wedlock.

So a scenario of telling your father and/or siblings, actually could be healing. Just another perspective.

This sucks because you'll never be able to confront either your mother or the bio dad.

With DNA info, there's a whole bunch of people in your sitch. The acronym "NPE" (Not Parent Expected) has surfaced. I think there are support groups. There's a NPE Friends Fellowship site, but I suspect you'd find more support on a facebook group - just search facebook groups for NPE and join a few.

Thank you for at least allowing me to vent…and for your graciousness replies. As of right now, I’m keeping it to myself-the pain I feel is not something I wish to inflict on anyone else. I truly wish I didn’t know. If’s give anything not to know!!! I don’t know with 100% certainty-but I’ve seen pictures, and the DNA part is undeniable…my 23andMe has ZERO matches for my dad…and two for bio dad. I’m caught between devastated at what I do know…and not wanting to know any more.

I think IC would be a great idea now. I mean this is a bit of a mind fuck. You need to reconcile what you believed to be true (and is true - your father WAS your father in every way that matters the most) is different.

Look for a therapist maybe who specializes in adoption issues - that may be similar sort of mind fuck.

And you don’t have to pretend to be fine. YOu can say your learned something that is difficult- you just don’t have to share what that is.
But if you feel out of sorts, then by all mean BE out of sorts.

(((Hugs)))

I can't imagine how world-turning that news is.

But.

Firstly - whether your dad is biologically your dad doesn't matter. If he raised you and you call him dad, then he's your dad and nothing changes that.

Secondly - you could have a whole other set of family out there. I know it'll take time to process this, but think how many other people you have a connection with - some or all of which might be amazing people that you'd want in your life.

Thirdly - there might be a rational explanation for this. Once you've processed, I think you should talk it over with your dad. He might be able to give some reason for this news, or at the very least can support you through this.

I'm so sorry - this has got to be so tough.

I am humiliated, devastated and terrified. I don't feel like I am tethered to the earth anymore. I feel so lost. My dad is my world!!

I’m so sorry this is happening. I cannot personally understand any of it. I am fortunate to have been raised by my birthparents, as far as I know. But not only because they are my birthparents, but because they were such good parents.

I’m so sorry for your pain.

What I quoted above from your original text stood out to me. I’m so sorry you are devastated and terrified. What the last sentence was especially impactful. "My dad is my world!! "

I was wondering if you could share what part of this whole situation has you feeling so torn up. Is it betrayal? Is it the fact that he is gone and there is no way to address it? Is it anger?

The reason I ask is that if you can identify exactly what feelings you are having, then you might be better able to resolve them as much as possible. The IC idea is a good one.

The only distant connection I have to your situation is that my three boys are adopted. Unlike your situation, I told my sons from infancy about their adoption when they were much too young to understand my words much less the words meaning so they never had a day of revelation about their situation… They just always knew.

i’m so glad that your dad is your world. As you move through the process of adjusting to this news, I hope you can keep that in mind. Because I can assure you that in a positive adoption situation, or simply raising someone else’s child, JMHO, what matters is quality of your upbringing and love that is there, moreso than biology.

This is certainly abrupt and impactful news. But I think if you hold onto the relationship that you have with your dad, that it will help pull you through this situation in which you have found yourself.

Prayers for you during this hard time.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this shock. My family has several stories like this. Some cousins, and an uncle.

Your dad is your dad. Personally I wouldnt tell him if he is a certain age. If he is youngish, maybe then share this with him. Only you can decide whats right.

Your father may also already know. I have people in my family who knew secrets I stumbled upon and when we got the courage to tell them, they were very matter of fact and knew about what I had found (secret family)

I agree with previous posters who said a counselor can help navigate through this.

Big hugs. This is anhuge shock but you will be ok.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I was contacted by a relative of my bio dad. She put all the pieces together, and decided I should know.

So if she was able to connect the dots; will others? I only ask that because you have made the decision not to share this information. Just want to make sure it doesn't blindside you (or your family) from a different direction/person.

There is a chance your dad does know and made the decision long, long ago that it does not matter to him. IE that you ARE his daughter in every sense. The fact that you said "your dad is your world" says to me that you have been blessed to have him in your life as your dad. I know you do not feel blessed right now - but you are. Whether he knew, didn't know, or suspected - it sounds like he is a stand up guy.

I agree with the OP, maybe consider some IC to help you work through this. You have been dealt some very unexpected news that has shaken you to the core. I think some IC would help you process this so it does not eat away at you. So you will be able to deal with this as information but not have it overwhelm you further.

Lastly, please do not be humiliated. You did nothing wrong here!!!!

My mother recently found out her father was not her bio father either so I understand. She has opted not to take it any further either. As her child, I am on the fence about it. I would like her to enter her DNA information in to see if it matches her to possible relatives from whoever her bio father really was. Due to age, I would expect her bio father is deceased but I am curious as to who the heck it even was.

Speaking as her child, this information does not change who I viewed as my grandfather. Blood or not - that man was my grandfather!

Hang in there whensitover - this takes time. It is a lot to deal with so give it space you need.

I cannot thank all of you enough for taking your time to read and respond!! It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions-I haven’t told anyone other than my best friend. I haven’t told my children or my husband or my dad.
After a lot of praying and soul searching, I’ve decided not to say anything. No matter what the truth is…I’m not changing my feelings. My dad is my dad. I don’t know the whole truth and honestly the details aren’t important to me now. It hurts so much…and I’ve been completely leveled by this-it is a TOTAL SHOCK!! I would have NEVER thought this was possible! I’m still praying something will happen that it has all been a huge mistake! I’m just beyond devastated-how could this happen to me??

I appreciate your time and concern more than anything!!