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Newest Member: KMS60087

Wayward Side :
I guess I am not the only one anymore

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 GuiltyWayward (original poster new member #75866) posted at 7:55 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

I had an EA that was disclosed at the end of 2020. Me and my AP never did anything sexual physically but would discuss sexual things with one another. Her and I shared a kiss on the cheek or on the hand but never actually kissed either. I disclosed to my wife and she was devastated. I have turned myself around and have been doing everything I can for the last year. Well, it turns out my wife has had 3 affairs since, one where she had sent sexual photos and videos and intended to meet up but didn't, one where she ended up making out with the guy and lying to me about what they were doing / who she was with, and now the most recent and probably longest being an EA turned PA with my friend. She told me about it last month and committed to cutting him off. Well, she did. For about 5 days. Then went back to talking to him, sending him sexual photos and messages and then meeting up with him while she told me she was out shopping for a Christmas present for me, which ended with her kissing him. All the while, she had told me she would do the Affair Recovery coaching with me, which we paid for, as well as sleeping with me and telling me she loved me. And I found all of this out because I sorted through her phone in the middle of the night on the 2nd night she has been home since staying with her father since her DDay. I am so broken about it, and I am sitting here at work trying not to have a panic attack. I have told her again that I want to work on things. She has now given me open access to her phone and has said she will show me her banking records and email whenever I ask. She told me it is over with him, that she told him days ago that she was going to be cutting him off once the coaching started. She still messaged him and convinced herself this was okay because "the course hadn't started yet." She is addicted to him, in limerance and has been lying to me about it all over again. I feel sick and sad and angry, and here I am doing my best to get through. I did what I did. I have not justified it and I never will. I didn't make her cheat. I didn't make her cheat again. I didn't make her cheat again after that, or after that. I didn't. Now she knows what it feels like to be ashamed and live in deception and be miserable. I don't see the same guilt or shame from her that I displayed, and maybe that is selfish of me, but I wish I did. I wish I could see how much this hurts her and how much she cares about how badly it hurts me. She made HIM buy "Not Just Friends" and tried to get him to read it, because she started to and was feeling guilty. She made him read it and see if "that story is like us". I hate that a book I bought for her to try and learn about herself and me was worked on with HIM. God I am so messed up right now. I love her to death and I want so badly to trust her and believe this time she really will do what she says, but I don't. I am trying to give her faith, because I can't give her my trust. My instinct is to just swallow this because I had an affair first, but I know that isn't right or fair. She is responsible for herself, and she didn't have to do what she did to me, just like I didn't have to do what I did to her. I am overall staying calm, but my mood can shift suddenly and it can hit me hard. I hope this is the beginning of a new chapter, because I cant take this again.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2020
id 8706565
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:30 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

She is a serial cheater, with no remorse.

Have you read the 180?

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8706573
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 GuiltyWayward (original poster new member #75866) posted at 8:33 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

@Hellfire

Yes, I guess she is. I want to believe she has remorse, but nabbed she is only saying she does. I have read it. I am practicing some of it, to be sure. Other parts are harder, but I am working my way into it. It is not how I am used to behaving.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2020
id 8706574
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 9:05 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

  Moving to Wayward Side

posts: 10006   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8706580
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:29 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

Hi, welcome to SI.

Please look yourself in the mirror and repeat that you are not to blame for HER actions. Could she possibly been having affairs before you admitted to your EA? Is she willing to take a polygraph?

What you did was wrong, it doesn't justify her horrid behavior.

You understand that you cannot trust a word out of your wife's mouth right now. Cheaters lie and deny. All of them.

Take care of yourself, eat, stay hydrated and get as much exercise as possible. Do you have a TRUSTED friend or family member or member of the clergy who can support you?

Drop the Affair Recovery classes. YOU need individual therapy to help you process this trauma.

At minimum, she needs to provide access to her emails, voicemails, texts, social media, phone. Sometimes cheaters purchase a burner phone so please be vigilant. Accountable for her whereabouts at all times.

I'd also classify her as a serial cheater, and I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't engage in this type of behavior before your EA. Just food for thought.

She can never have any communication with any of her affair partners. Is your "friend" married?

Keep in mind you love the person you thought she was. She's not that person unfortunately. sad

Please do not rugsweep her actions. She needs to be held accountable and face consequences for her multiple betrayals.

I also suggest meeting with an attorney just for knowledge, because based on your one post, she does not seem like a good candidate for reconciliation at this moment in time..

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8706587
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Humbled123 ( member #62947) posted at 9:43 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

If there's one thing I've learned on here over 4yrs
Adults don’t just kiss
Typically we just kissed is code for we had sex but im protecting you from the details

posts: 216   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8706590
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Happenedtome2 ( member #68906) posted at 9:53 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

Sorry to see you here.


Regardless of your history, you are not to blame for this. If you've been flying the straight and narrow and she is having multiple affairs I'd wager she's checked out of your marriage in reality. Like a lot of us, you're going to have to decide just how much you can live with before you decide to file for D and/or cut bait.

She doesn't sound like any kind of candidate for R though.

BH DDay August 2018 :https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 506   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8706591
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 2:01 AM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

Quite a messy situation. I feel for you. It is important that you gather your wits about yourself and take the necessary steps to get you out of infidelity. You need as much information as possible about what and whom you are dealing with before you should make any lasting decisions. A written detailed timeline is a must regarding all her affairs, even those that might have occurred prior to the three presently known to you. Tell her she MUST take a polygraph test. You will take one also to remove any lingering doubts your WW may have as to what you did. This should be non-negotiable.

She admitted to a PA with your friend. I assume she admitted to having sex with him. I would be absolutely livid. I would confront your friend over the phone and tell him to never ever contact you or your wife again. I would make it clear to your wife that she is to send him a no-contact letter, advise his significant other, if there is one, of the affair, and never ever communicate with him again. Tell her you will file for divorce if she does so. You need to get tough or you will end up rug sweeping these affairs and suffer further distress down the line.

If she continues to drag her feet, go see a lawyer and file for divorce. Tell her that it will be up to her to save the marriage. You will withdraw it if she shows sufficient remorse and dedication to making the marriage work. But before you make any lasting decision, get as much information as possible as to what you are dealing with.

This sounds terribly tough, but you must understand that your wife is a serial cheater. It is also not out of the realm of possibility that she cheated on you prior to your own affair. You need her undivided attention and dedication to the marriage. It's up to her to try and save it. If she is still wallowing in her affair, do not stand for it if you ultimately want peace of mind. I've been in your shoes and made all the wrong choices. It only delayed the inevitable.

posts: 500   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8706632
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 11:13 PM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

If you do not have kids, maybe consider bailing. It's a longshot that this relationship will be good. It's been, pretty much, denatured by both parties' actions. You opened a Pandora's box and your wife, unfortunately, does not have the character to not pay you back. Some folks need their pound of flesh, or at least think they do. Tough lesson.

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8706845
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Mickie500 ( member #74292) posted at 7:44 PM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

I had several attempts at a revenge affair after my 2nd DDay.

I would have NEVER EVER cheated on my WH before he cheated on me.

It is he is fault that we are in a broken connection. All this talk about it’s not your fault is just what people want you say within this forum BUT any wayward who cheats on their spouse without cause is to blame for what happens afterwards.

posts: 361   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2020
id 8706926
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 GuiltyWayward (original poster new member #75866) posted at 4:49 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

@Mickie500

I am sorry for what you went through, you did not deserve that. I respectfully disagree. I made my choices, and so did she. If you attempted to have 2 revenge affairs, you are responsible for your actions as well. We do not get to avoid responsibility because of the actions of others. Is it understandable? Yes. Is it an excuse? No.

I hope you are doing well in your life and are healing.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2020
id 8706984
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 2:14 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

any wayward who cheats on their spouse without cause is to blame for what happens afterwards.L

The problem with this is that most any wayward can come up with a "just cause" at the time of their affair. The bottom line is that there is never a good reason to have an affair. There are always less harmful alternatives. We are all responsible for our own actions.

GuiltyWayward’s response demonstrates that he has been doing the work. His wife needs to do hers.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14742   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8706998
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Mickie500 ( member #74292) posted at 9:24 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

Once you break the bond and cross the line and do the ultimate betrayal you have opened the door to what happens afterwards. It hurts like hell but it’s one of those possible natural consequences you weren’t thinking about when you were lying and sneaking.

posts: 361   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2020
id 8707045
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HoldingTogether ( member #29429) posted at 10:38 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

Once you break the bond and cross the line and do the ultimate betrayal you have opened the door to what happens afterwards.


I’d like to explore this concept a little further. Does this include a little bit of light physical abuse? Just curious on what my options are since my wife cheated on me a while back.

How’s about alcohol and chemical abuse? If I decide to blow off my 11 years of sobriety and go on a real rip roaring bender, I mean really hit the bourbon hard, am I all good since she fucked my friend a few years back? I just need clarification so I know the right shit to say at my AA meetings. Cause, you know how it is, those assholes are always trying to tell me that I am responsible for my own behavior… blah blah blah. They will be happy to know that it was my wife that made me fall off the wagon.

Of course, once I start drinking again I suppose that might count as "cause" (as you put it) for her to cheat again. Which, I suppose would count as "cause" (as you put it) for me to escalate my addiction (I’ve always been curious about heroin, I mean you hear so many positive stories…). And around and around we go.

As circles go, that seems pretty vicious! But hey, I mean what are you gonna do right? What with all of our individual behavior being just solely at the mercy of the behavior of others.

You go girl.

Us-Reconciled.
You keep waiting for the dust to settle, and then, one day you realize... This is it, that dust is your life going on around you.

posts: 10000   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010   ·   location: New Life
id 8707052
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oldmewasmurdered ( member #79473) posted at 3:26 AM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

No stop sign, BS here.

Sorry you have to experience this horrible pain. No-one should be a BS, former WS or not.

My instinct is to just swallow this because I had an affair first

Now as you probably already know this fact, there is no excuse for A, period. This would apply your your wife. I would say that your wife's A is even worse than yours, because she KNOWS exactly how horrible this pain is, and she willingly afflicted it on you. Both of your As were due to selfish-ness and kibbles, etc. But her As also has a large dose of indifference towards your feelings, or worse malice, to it. So I disagree with your view that because you had an A you should accept this behavior as punishment.

I don't see the same guilt or shame from her that I displayed, and maybe that is selfish of me, but I wish I did. I wish I could see how much this hurts her and how much she cares about how badly it hurts me.

From what you wrote she is a serial cheater, currently without remorse. This is the type that we in JFO section would say is not R material currently. She needs to do the work to become a safe partner to you, just like you did to become a safe partner for her. Others have given great advice on what to do (180, IC, focus on yourself, etc).

I think one complication to the situation is that you originally did cheat on her. You are used to feeling guilt for everything wrong in the relationship since your A. You're doing this to show your wife that you are remorseful, and that you want to R the relationship. So why is different this time? It's different because her having A shows she's not in R. R requires both partners to be all in, and if she's in an active A of her own, she's not 100% in R. If she's not remorseful, she's not into R. This part is the same whether you are an innocent BS or a former WS.

So like any new BS, I'm sorry you're here. Take care of your physical health. Keep posting if you need to vent or want advice with anything.

p.s. one good thing about your post being in wayward-side is that you get more people who can chime in than JFO, including some veterans (BSR hi I'm a huge fan xD).

p.s. edit: completely irrelevant, but congrats @HoldingTogether on your 10,000th post :)

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 3:28 AM, Monday, January 3rd]

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8707079
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 3:38 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

It gets pretty complicated if one cheats first, as you did. Essentially, you voided the contract. She may have reaffirmed it, in which case her cheating is not right.
I just think to some people, the initial cheating is a dealbreaker and they no longer feel bound by the vows. If that is the case, probably would have been best for her to be upfront and divorce. Apparently, she felt about as tied to her vows as you did.

posts: 146   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8707134
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