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Just Found Out :
I just hurt today

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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 7:47 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

It has been 3 weeks since I found out he cheated again. First time over 10 years ago, and again his year. I wake up every morning and a sense of dread overtakes me. I cry. Then I make myself tea, watch the rain & cry some more. I guess I will never understand why he still wants to stay with me and work on marriage? I mean, how does he even have a face to ask me to work on R when he stabbed me in the back so badly. What is he thinking? That a simple- I'm sorry, I'm an idiot, let's get some therapy again and turn the clock back -- will work?
Honestly, if we work on R, it will take us years to figure this out. How am I supposed to believe that he will be patient? why does he want to go through that pain with me? Is he just selfish and scared of losing what he has, because he got caught and now thigs are out of his control and spiraled into disaster? Why do this again? I guess there are no answer for me. I am just so broken, and I can't even think straight.
Every fiber in my body tells me that is it time to leave. But I am scared and weak now and I hate myself because of it. I am not young anymore (in my 50's) and I cannot bounce back like I used to. I am sad for me and 20 years wasted. Wow. I cannot belive that my life has turned upside down like this. How am I going to get through this, I really don't know...

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8706562
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 8:19 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

AndJustLikeThat,

You are heard.

By acknowledging your pain and even your feelings of weakness and your frustration over it all, you are taking care of yourself and paying attention to yourself. This is healthy.

Allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings and feel them.
Then sip that tea and enjoy the sounds of the rain. Look hard for any moment of joy and latch onto it.

I'm in my mid-fifties. Time is still on your side. You have many years--likely decades--ahead of you to feel joy.

You don't have to take any dramatic action right now, if you need time to gather your strength. You'll find your strength. It's already there inside you.

Reach out to good supporters in your life.

Do at LEAST one thing for you each day.

Give yourself grace.

Give yourself time to heal.

You will find the strength you need to take the action that will lead to your own healing and happiness.

(((Hugs))) to you, dear lady.

Me=BW
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#1=2/7/20
Dday#2=2/12/20
Dday#3=2/17/20
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day

posts: 108   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8706568
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 8:25 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

Your body is basically telling you to protect yourself. I say listen to it for now.

He can claim all the lame excuses and promises he wants, but it's his actions you gotta pay attention to now. Let him figure out on his own what he actually wants and what he needs to do.

You focus on taking care of yourself.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8706570
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 12:52 AM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

My XWH walked out on me a few days before my 50th birthday. My life didn’t end. My life is better now. We’re not too old and we still have resilience and strength.

His words are worthless. Watch his actions only. Trust your gut. Take care of yourself.

Your pain has been heard. But you will survive this. Really.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4363   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8706621
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:07 AM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

Where will you be 5 or 10 years from now and he’s cheated again?

Wishing you had left him in 2021 — that’s where!

You cite your age - in your 50s. Hell I was ready to D my H with teenage children and do it in my own. If I never dated again or had a romantic relationship ever again I did not care. It was about doing what was best for me.

I think that is what you need to decide. Is your life better off with him or without him? Will you be able to remain married (and happy) with someone who cheated on you more than once?

Only you know that.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8706624
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:56 AM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

I'm sorry you are here. It sucks the first time, I can only imagine how the second feels.

They say that 70% of cheaters cheat again. Sure, there are success stories and these are often celebrated here and on the infidelity recovery network, but the data shows that they are the minority. We have amazing recovered waywards here, but for every one of them, how many unrecoverable are there? Now, you've established your WH is part of the 70%. Now what? The chances for a repeat are, IMHO much higher now. In fact, I might venture to guess that there have been some wayward behaviors in the past 10 years, if not other incidents of infidelity.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but just trying to make it clear that your WH has shown you who he is over and over again. Now you have to decide what to do with it.

I'm currently divorcing after trying to R, so I get the fear of the unknown. I've asked myself over and over again, if I will die alone or ever find love again. It took a long time for me to realize that the real question I should ask myself was, could I be satisfied in a shitty marriage with a shitty human being? So I took my life back. It may not be awesome, but it's my life, balls to bones, and I like it. It feels right, or at least better than waking up with my abuser ever day.

You need to do what is right fir you, but don't let fear keep you from doing it.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:57 AM, Friday, December 31st]

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1181   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8706641
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Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 2:59 AM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

AndJustLikeThat, I feel you, sister. I am in the same boat right now. Still in shock, actually, since it’s only been 12 days since all hell broke loose, for the second time in my life.

I understand your deep sadness and despair...and your feelings of being in your 50’s and how the eff did this happen now?! Don’t I deserve a loving faithful, honest husband?! Did I just waste these last 15 years with another disrespectful selfish cheater?

I feel so lost and sad. At least we know we’re not alone. I’m right there beside you...crying along with you.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706644
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Western ( member #46653) posted at 3:04 AM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

what is his excuse ?

Not that any excuse justified what he has done and is doing.

Who is he cheating with ?

posts: 3523   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8706861
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 3:28 PM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

Every fiber in my body tells me that is it time to leave. But I am scared and weak now and I hate myself because of it. I am not young anymore (in my 50's) and I cannot bounce back like I used to.

You’re not young anymore (in you’re 50s) and are so much wiser than you used to be.

You gave him a beautiful gift years ago. You gave him a second chance. That says everything about you as a person, your courage to be vulnerable and try.

What he just did with it says everything about Who He Is as a person.

The time for gifts is behind you. Now is the time to protect yourself, whether you stay married or not.

You’ve been heard, AJLT.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 3:29 PM, Saturday, January 1st]

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8706898
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 4:18 PM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

AndJustLikeThat - I am so very sorry you find yourself in this place again. When this happens, particularly at our age, we feel like it is the end of everything.

Somewhere along the way I decided I needed to love me and do everything I could to make sure I valued myself. It is very empowering and makes the thought of being alone not so difficult.

At some point I knew being alone would be better than living with my WS who was struggling to reform. I knew he was so unhealthy for me and for our daughter. Is sounds a lot like ...

Every fiber in my body tells me that is it time to leave.

You know ... but you need time to process and that's okay.

But I am scared and weak now and I hate myself because of it.

Gently I wouldn't characterize it as weak at all. Think of all the strength it took to stay and work on the relationship and on your acceptance. Give yourself the grace you gave to him - you deserve that at the very least don't you?

Have you seen a lawyer? Have you a therapist?

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2724   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8706903
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 4:39 PM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

ISSF

Give yourself the grace you gave to him - you deserve that at the very least don't you?

Beautifully said.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8706904
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 11:59 PM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

Thank you all for wise words. I have a therapist. I hear it over and over form my friends, counselor, reading here... that I have to take care of myself now. I would love to do that. But I barely have energy to move from the couch to sofa. I lost over 10 lbs in just few weeks, I force myself to eat and drink. I never been like this before. I also lost my job last year, so I have nothing to keep my mind from ruminating.

I have been listening to podcasts about meditation, heling music, trying to meditate, just to get very frustrated that this (trying to meditate) is just annoying and not working. I cannot focus or do anything but lay in bed curled in a ball and stare at the wall. Yesterday, I dragged myself to the grocery store and did some laundry, and I was exhausted and gasping for air. This is not me.

My WS is living in a hotel for now because I can't stand the sight of him. We still talk on the phone occasionally and when I talk to him, he seems very remorseful and wants to do anything to be back home. He blames his behavior on "addictive behavior" (he was drug addict 10 years ago, and I forgave his affairs at the time thinking it was 'drugs' messing with his mind). He went to rehab, and we had, what I thought, really good 10 years. But I just don't really care what he says anymore, it makes no sense to me. He said the same things 10 years ago and I trusted him. His A was with his college flame who reached out to him last summer, and they booked a weekend together in October in another state (he told me it was a business trip). That was planned weeks in advance.

I can't comprehend how he can do this to me after everything we been through. I miss him because I thought he was my best friend too. Now I feel double betrayed - by my husband and best friend.

I have no energy to heal myself now. I just want this hell in my head to stop! I am on meds now for anxiety, and that just makes me sleepy, but the pain and burning in my heart is constant. I need this pain to go away, I can't function like this

[This message edited by AndJustLikeThat at 12:02 AM, Sunday, January 2nd]

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8706959
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Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 1:16 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

AJLT, I feel your pain. I am in the exact same place right now…for the second time in my life.

I thought my WS and I were best friends and soulmates. We talked often about how we wish we would’ve met each other first and had a family together. I thought we felt perfect for each other and I talked to people telling them that he and I had "a special connection"…a closeness like I never had with my first husband.

So I know exactly how you are feeling right now. The utter betrayal is overwhelmingly soul-destroying.

I know in my heart that I can never trust him again…ever. So I’m grieving so much for this immense loss and for never feeling his touch again.

There’s nothing anyone can say to make us feel better…nothing anyone can do to take the pain away…we just have to find the inner strength to move through it and eventually out of it.

Sometimes, I’ll recite Psalm23, only because I have it memorized from childhood. It helps to distract my mind from the terrible thoughts. A genius on SI posted about mentally going through the step-by-step process of doing something, like making a salad, lol. I tried that too and it seemed to help!

Sending you big hugs…know you are not alone, ever.

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706966
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 1:18 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

It's really hard to function right now, I know. I remember. I also remember having lost too much weight too quickly and feeling really sick by the time I was four months in, so sick that if it meant my stomach would stop that queasy flopping I'd have divorced my fWH on the spot. It's important to get a handle on this. The body truly does keep score. And that's a great book for you to read just now... The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. Knowing the physiological reaction of your body can help you so much because it makes you feel stronger and less confused about what's happening. This isn't all in your head and you're not weak. This is simply how human beings react to TRAUMA.

...trying to meditate, just to get very frustrated that this (trying to meditate) is just annoying and not working.

I found meditating hard too. My breathing always seemed to be too ragged, probably from all the crying. But it was distracting to what I was trying to do and I just couldn't seem to relax into it. So, here are two alternatives that worked for me:

Auditory Meditation: This one is really simple. Basically, you relax your body as much as possible, starting at the feet and moving up, checking all your body parts for tension as you go, ending at the crown of your head. Then, you simply listen, identifying the sounds you hear, casting out further and further for auditory information, relaxing into the sounds. This one you can do anywhere for any length of time, so it's a good one to get you refocused if you don't have a whole lot of time.

Adult Coloring: Basically, you get one of those adult coloring books and package of colored pencils and let your mind relax while you color. Leave off any distracting music or things which might trigger you to ruminate on the betrayal. It's not necessary to empty your mind. The coloring process itself should slow and relax it as you go. I like Mandalas by Valentina Harper because they have lots of small areas to fill in.

Both of these techniques should give you the same relaxing affect on your amygdala that you would get from traditional meditation. In the early days after dday, I felt like some invisible entity was screaming "boo" in my ear a hundred times a day, blasting my system with adrenaline and cortisol over and over again. If you read the book, the author goes into quite a lot of detail about why that is, but short answer is the amygdala of the brain, the "fight, flight, or freeze" center. The amygdala can't differentiate between emotional danger and the real and present kind. It fires off either way, and after a trauma, can often be sort of "reset" to a higher alert status, so you end up getting this physiological reaction whenever you are triggered or when you think about the the betrayal. Meditation, among other techniques like EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) and neurofeedback, can help calm the amygdalae when they're going off, and that's important to do because it's these "panic chemicals" which are making you feel sick and exhausted.

Anyway, I do recommend that book. It helped me feel a little more normal and a little more patient with the process when I understood what was happening.

You might also try a weighted blanket. I hear good things about that in terms of treating anxiety, but I haven't tried it myself.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8706967
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 2:55 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

Riverz -
I cried when I read you post. This sucks so much. I really never felt like this before, and I am so scared I will either lose my mind or have a heart attack from how much my heart burns with sadness.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8706972
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 3:14 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

I've asked myself over and over again, if I will die alone or ever find love again. It took a long time for me to realize that the real question I should ask myself was, could I be satisfied in a shitty marriage with a shitty human being? So I took my life back. It may not be awesome, but it's my life, balls to bones, and I like it. It feels right, or at least better than waking up with my abuser ever day.

AJLT, read the above more than a few times. Maybe it helps steel your spine and strengthens your resolve. I despise my cheater now (over 5 years out), and yet I still mourn, as you do, the multiple losses of lover, partner, and best friend. I've read, and found that action, motion, and the doing is what helps mitigate the feeling of paralysis. That's all I got.

Strength and peace to you.

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 117   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8706975
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 3:30 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

ChamomileTea-
Your insights are so much appreciated! I will try some of the things you suggested. Right now, I feel I have barely enough energy for just to basic stuff to make me function. I hope I start feeling better, so I have energy and commitment to do what you (and many others) suggested. At this point, I am just existing.
I read here on forums it takes months and years just to get out of denial stage... I get it, it is different for everyone, but when I think of that - that I will feel like this for a long time to come, I just collapse in despair because I don't think I can do this that long
I just want to be myself again and I am so pissed that I allowed another person to make me feel like this. I am a total loser - hey, it happened to me at least twice!

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8706976
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 3:46 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

REpossed-

"I've asked myself over and over again, if I will die alone or ever find love again. It took a long time for me to realize that the real question I should ask myself was, could I be satisfied in a shitty marriage with a shitty human being? So I took my life back. It may not be awesome, but it's my life, balls to bones, and I like it. It feels right, or at least better than waking up with my abuser every day."

I get that quote. He was not abusive in any way. People were almost jealous of us - we had our own jokes, loved the same movies/shows, laugh at each other, we shared same values in many areas - most importantly how to raise our kids, we were always on the same page... we are truly best friends. I mean we would "gossip" about other people and compare how much better we are as a couple (I know, the irony!). I told him everything, just like he is my best girlfriend.

Now I see that we not only do not share the same values (fidelity), it makes me wonder who the hell I marred and what is real? Especially because this is not the first time.

"could I be satisfied in a shitty marriage with a shitty human being?"

Now, this is what I am struggling the most. Is he really a shitty human being and how is that I did not see that? Do I think he cares for me? Yes, I believe he does. But in an unhealthy way I can't point my finger to.

[This message edited by AndJustLikeThat at 8:30 AM, Sunday, January 2nd]

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8706977
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Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 6:12 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

AJLT, I hear you. I understand the heartache…I'm having panic attacks and just continuous waves of grief and utter despair.

The first betrayal took months before I started to feel semi-human…and ironically, it was my current betrayer who actually helped me through it! He was also betrayed by his first wife and so he understood the agony and we bonded through it. That reality now haunts and pains me deeply…he knew the pain it would cause me, but chose to screw around anyway! (Lord help me heal from this)

I am right here with you, feeling overwhelmed and lost, and dreading the long timeline for healing. The thought of feeling this hell for months or years (I’m just gonna says months because I can’t bear the thought of years)…is just too much.

Saturday was two weeks since I found out…2 weeks done…it can only get better from here…hopefully, lol.

Hang in there, girl. One day at a time…WE GOT THIS!!

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8706986
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 8:35 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

Riverz - I am sending you my love and hope for you to heal so we can heal together. I feel your pain, and I am so sorry you are going through this.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8706989
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