Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 1:57 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022
AJLT, thanks so much for your support. Supporting each other is the only way through this hell…and it IS pure hell. After the first betrayal, I used to tell people that I knew there was a hell because I’d been there!
Whatever path you choose, whether to stay or go, you will have support here.
Personally, I’m 99.9% sure I won’t stay…I can’t live that kind of life, after all the deception, betray and lies…I can NEVER trust him again. And like with my first betraying husband, I could not live on edge all the time, wondering where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s talking to, who he’s screwing…NO EFFING WAY.
I want a peaceful life, without that constant stress. It’s so effing sad because I trusted him so much and I did have peace that he could never betray me…but here we are.
Now to just get this healing done…another night survived! Even if I did cry myself to sleep. :(
HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 3:36 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022
…trying to meditate, just to get very frustrated that this (trying to meditate) is just annoying and not working.
Trying to use meditation to relax you is brutally hard right after an A, and it sets you up for a failure spiral as you keep trying harder and failing to find quietness.
One little mantra to keep in mind is that it is impossible to have a relaxed body and a tense mind. When your mind is tense, it leads the body, but it works the other direction too. The body can lead the mind. So de-tense the mind by relaxing the body. Follow Chamomile Tea’s suggestion, work on relaxing the body muscle by muscle. Start from the toes and go up, or randomly move your attention from spot to spot, etc. Where the body goes, the mind follows. You just have to put the body in the lead.
Another tidbit is that we really don’t think about more than one thing at a time, it just feels like we do. There are activities that can be all-consuming of your attention, and when you do them, you aren’t thinking about the A, or much of anything else. Some for me are flying an airplane, rock climbing, and sudoku puzzles. Crosswords too. Running on a rocky trail where you have to pick each spot to put your foot. When I am immersed, there is only the activity.
The opposite is running on a path where I can go on autopilot and let the mind go somewhere else. Then it finds the A to obsess on. Or trying to meditate.
So find that thing, and give yourself permission to not think about the A for a few minutes.
DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:27 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022
If you're eating and drinking and sleeping (how can you sleep? I sure couldn't....), and crying, the only thing you haven't mentioned about taking care of yourself is moving your body. I'd really like to see you take credit for that. You ARE taking care of yourself, and that's a lot.
My reco is to not try to distract yourself. Instead, try out accepting the anger, grief, fear, shame, denial and the roller coaster and and imagine yourself in a safe boat that rides the waves. This stuff hurts.
For many of us, it's 3-6 months to get grounded again - you might call that 'rock bottom' - after which, you'll start to feel a slow improvement. It takes, probably, 2-5 years to recover, but most of it is getting better and better - but you have to get grounded first, IMO.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:27 PM, Sunday, January 2nd]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 4:40 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022
I'm hoping you have some relief AJLT. It is hell and it is awful to pick ourselves up and recover.
I found that I needed a release at some point. Somewhere early in the first days I was so tortured I remember I was alone in my bedroom and I just started to scream and threw my cup full of coffee against the wall - I wanted to hear the cup shatter. I didn't get my satisfaction - the coffee went EVERYWHERE but that damned cup didn't shatter. I threw it again, and again, and again and that thing stayed whole. Finally I flung it with all my might and I heard it shatter and I knew it shattered completely.
I exhaled finally. I felt like the shattering of the cup was the release I needed. It represented the shattering of me. After, I started to catch air again even though the road was still way ahead of me. I've heard others give similar stories of punching a boxing bag or going out into a field or whatever they need to release.
For the record, it was an Ikea cup and those things are meant to LAST but can be broken if you try hard enough. Don't ask about finding the damn thing. I looked everywhere and could not find where that cup shattered. I knew I heard it and so did everyone else in the house as they came running thinking I crashed into the mirror. We looked and looked and looked and could not find it. Finally we realized it bounced off the wall and into the shower against the ceramic tile and shattered in a contained space.
I hope at least that brought a little chuckle into your day. Please know you will get through this. The pain is beyond but allow yourself to feel it so you can release it.
[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 4:41 PM, Sunday, January 2nd]
DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.
Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 10:22 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022
ISurvivedSoFar, thank you for sharing that cup story…it brought on a chuckle, lol. I needed that today.
Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 3:03 AM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Lots of us in here were snotty curled up in a ball messes after betrayal. wh was a serial cheater who promised me he would never cheat again. He did.
I have not seen him in more than 2 years and I am so much happier and healthier.
The world is a big big place. I would venture there are thousands of men who I could potentially date (not at once of course
Among them I am sure would be good men who I would have actual shared values with...
Your mileage may vary and you have to do what is best for you. My best life ever started after I reconciled in my mind that I had good times with a man who pretended to share my values but underneath it all he was not the man I thought he was. And that was not a good fit for me. I value fidelity. It is a non negotiable for me.
Please take exquisite care of yourself. Do things that feel good. Eat good food. Surround yourself with good people. Exercise in a way that is healthy for you. Read good books. Hydrate. Sleep. Get needed medical care.
I do not regret making myself a priority. WH made me an option and I am so much more than somebody's option.
I wish you health and healing.
Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 3:19 AM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
Running on a rocky trail where you have to pick each spot to put your foot. When I am immersed, there is only the activity.
The opposite is running on a path where I can go on autopilot and let the mind go somewhere else. Then it finds the A to obsess on.
This is really, really good. Motion that demands your attention. This is the course you chart out of your head.
Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.
AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 3:41 AM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
You guys are right - I do not move. I just move from couch to bed because I feel weak. I am afraid to drive because of the meds I am taking for anxiety. One morning before I took my meds, I forced myself to go grocery shopping and it totally exhausted me physically. I still have big problem with appetite and keeping food down, which is basically why I feel weak.
So moving my body is a problem for now. However, I am going to my girlfriend's house this weekend because she basically said she will come and get me if I don't come (friends are gold!). I know I have to leave the house and stop staring at the wall. But it is comforting, and I feel safe in my bed, and it is hard to get motivated to do anything.
Shehawk - this resonates with me so much, because this is what I am struggling with, and this is what I am trying to make peace with. I feel once I get there, I would be able to start moving forward:
"My best life ever started after I reconciled in my mind that I had good times with a man who pretended to share my values but underneath it all he was not the man I thought he was."
in fact, it hit the nerve, I cried, but hey, it takes nothing to make me cry these days...
Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 4:56 AM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
Thank you for sharing that, Shehawk…I too need to work towards accepting that.
He pretended to be an upright, moral, good man, but in his heart he was the complete opposite. Such a liar.
Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 5:51 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
One thing that helped me move (get unfrozen from the trauma) was to set micro
I was a snotty curled up in a ball post infidelity abuse mess
My goals included things like
putting on pants by noon
Getting a shower by 10 am
1 minute of breathing
5 minutes of yoga Asana (poses)
I always believe in checking with one's doctor before starting any exercise routines and being really kind to oneself (aka not beating myself up for being where I was...what I went through was otherworldly traumatic)
Sorry for all going through this. It did feel like walking through Hell.
Sending positive thoughts to all for healing in the New Year.
AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 8:11 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
That is basically what I do. literally one step at time and then I go back to bed to rest. Haven't taken shower in 4 days now, it just takes so much effort. I have been using wash cloth, so I am not stinky! Today I drove to the store and came back within 30 min and I literally had to take a nap to recover.
It is not even that I have these ruminating intrusive thoughts - I try to let them come and go, but the physical effect stay with me all day. I am trying to figure this out now - why do physical effects (heart beating, burning and stinging in my heart, shortness of breath, queasy stomach...)? Anyone feels the same?
Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 10:40 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022
physical effects (heart beating, burning and stinging in my heart, shortness of breath, queasy stomach...)? Anyone feels the same?
I HAVE ALL THIS TOO!!! I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday and I will ask her.
I’ve been noticing the heart burning/aching lately…maybe it’s because it’s so friggen broken :(
Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 10:24 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
AndJustLikeThat, how are you doing, girl?
Just thinking of you <3
leafields ( member #63517) posted at 11:46 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
It can be due to the trauma. High anxiety, stress extra cortisol, dehydration. Infidelity really does a number on your body. There are some members who went to the hospital thinking they were having a heart attack. Nope.
Good thing you're going to the doctor to get it checked out. Get some meds to help you through.
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021
CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 11:47 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
"It is not even that I have these ruminating intrusive thoughts - I try to let them come and go, but the physical effect stay with me all day. I am trying to figure this out now - why do physical effects (heart beating, burning and stinging in my heart, shortness of breath, queasy stomach...)? Anyone feels the same?"
It is called TRAUMA. Educate yourself on the effects of trauma on the body and mind. Maybe a book is too much right now. Try searching for articles on trauma and how to deal with it. It's OK, this is normal. It will get better. All the best to you.
Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.
gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 12:34 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022
Couple of suggestions / things that worked for me (your mileage may vary).
1. Meditation. I needed (at least at first) the guided meditations - sitting and trying all the other self guided techniques fell REALLY flat for me. I started with a free app called insight timer (even has a 'learn to meditate' intro of, IIRC, 7 sessions). It got to the point where I listened to one person in particular so often that as soon as I just heard the intro music my whole body began to relax. There are other apps (dunno what's free anymore - it's been [GASP] 4 effing years since I found myself in this rodeo - but there are choices, and I'd be there's ton of guided body relaxation videos on YouTube). One thing I learned in year 3 or 4 is that for SOME people who are traumatized, non-guided meditation can actually do more harm than good. Yes meditation has wonderful benefits for most, but some folks got a little different wiring and may need to experiment a bit.
2. Trying to get out of the groove of depression. My mind trick was to stop focusing on what I "need" or "should" do, but reframe to what I DESERVED (and if I'm repeating myself, apologies). So rather than tell myself I "will" or "need" or "should" put on clothes by noon, I would tell myself I DESERVE to be someone who is dressed. I had to do this with brushing my teeth (and showering) for longer than I like to admit. I still sometimes have to use the trick. Something about the lens of "deserve" resonated for me, and then I could shift focus to how GOOD it will feel to have my teeth brushed, or hair washed, or to have lipstick on. Chaos was really helpful to me on this front (she always wears the sparkly panties just bc it makes her feel good - even if she's doing the laundry).
And I agree with Sisoon's post about letting the feelings flow THROUGH and OUT of you, rather than trying to distract/quash. I cried like no body's beeswax for months & months & months. If I had to do it over again, I'd still cry for months & months... I just wish I'd been more compassionate towards MYSELF when in that particular head/emotional space (maybe rather than "I need to get myself together and stop this" I could have reframed it to "I deserve to let these feelings wash over and THROUGH me to purge them, bc I deserve to be someone who can still see/feel/experience joy" KWIM?)
[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:38 AM, Wednesday, January 5th]
M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived
It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies
AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 5:10 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022
I am worse. Physically I am so weak, I went to store today and almost fainted waiting in a checkout line. I came home and took a nap. I was able to eat today some real food for the first time in weeks, and now my stomach is doing a number on me. I am spending a lot of time in a bathroom! I am starting to feel angrier towards my WH even though I haven't seen him in weeks and have no desire to. In fact, I noticed that I start getting anxiety and panic attacks each time I even think of seeing him. When he came to get kid the other day, I really thought I can be courteous and at least say 'hi', but I could not. I went upstairs.
We can text and talk on the phone with relative civility, but the thought of facing him, I can't stomach that yet. In fact, I am getting angrier with him as the time goes by. I ruminate on the affair and details of it and just hate him. I am moving from Denial to Anger, but I know I'm probably just bouncing between the two. I wish I get angrier; it actually motivates me to do things (not angry things, it just gives me energy)
And then of course, I cry randomly and for no apparent reason through the day...That is bad, especially if I am in public, so I avoid going out if I can.
AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 5:13 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022
interesting, I will read about trauma. you are right, I cannot focus to read a book and I have few here sitting next to me.
I too am convinced that I will have a heart attack soon. In fact, I am sure I will get some kind of illness from this because I physically don't feel good at all.
AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 5:28 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022
Meditation is impossible for me now. I just get frustrated. I tried using apps (Calm), tried it with therapist, just to get annoyed for some reason.
But- I really like your idea to tell myself I DESERVE to get dressed, take shower, etc... instead of I have to do this. Today, I was telling myself how I HAVE to put a happy face and get up and make breakfast, go to the store, and by the time I got home I was exhausted! All I can think of is - I have so many hours where I can just lay here in bed, but I was already dreading what is coming because I HAVE to go take dog for a walk and I just could not. but I'll try to use I DESERVE instead. it sounds better :-)
Unrealized ( member #77151) posted at 9:33 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022
It will get better. I found exercise helped me burn off all the adrenaline. Sometimes I had hardly slept or eaten but still did something. I am sure this is what got me through those first months.