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Just Found Out :
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:50 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

I found I had to force myself the first 30 days to finish anything. My H was basically flaunting his affair in my face.

The more I forced myself out of bed the easier it got.

I remember one day it took me 45 minutes to put clean sheets on my bed. But I got it done.

It will get better. You will survive this. Have faith in yourself.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8707575
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 11:07 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

I recall how awful the acute trauma response felt. I had the chills and was feverish, couldn't focus, sleep was disrupted, I cried constantly and taste and smell were off. All of my senses were impacted.

Here's the good news for you. You already are thinking straight - recognizing the issues you are having and seeking advice and help. Don't be afraid to ask your physician for something to help you - many people have done that to get them over this phase of the process.

The other good news is this will pass. When thoughts come into your mind see if you can write them down in a journal or on your computer. That's a release that will be an incremental benefit to your mind and body. You don't have to do it for hours like reading a book. Just jot down those things that are running through your mind.

The other thing that helped me was really being with others who understood what I was going through. So this site was really a savior and there were a few folks with whom I could message here who would listen and just hear me and understand. I was wallowing in grief and the lent me their virtual hand to support me. I would have a good cry just pouring my heart out - another way to get a release that has incremental benefit to your mind and body.

Please do whatever you need to process and feel better but know that we understand and are her to support you in any way. Big hugs to you.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2726   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8707577
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 12:59 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

AndJustLikeThat
I hear you and feel your pain. It sucks. It’s not fair. It hurts like hell.
I am about 5 months from Dday. The first few months were excruciating. I could not function. I was catatonic. I was a zombie. Nothing i did helped. But I survived and I am stronger physically and emotionally than I was 5 months ago. Therefore, I know you, too, will find firm footing one day soon.
What helped me was:
I gave myself permission to do nothing, be lazy, be selfish, cry, mope around, whatever I felt i needed. I am an empty nester so I didn’t have anyone to take care of but myself so I took full advantage of it. I didn’t feel guilty about staying in bed all day. Or sleeping til noon. Or eating chocolate cake for breakfast. I treated myself like a spoiled brat who could get away with anything that was legal. And this is completely out of character for me as I am a responsible, selfless, and disciplined person.
Anyway, let yourself do whatever you feel like. There is no right or wrong. There is no you should do this or that. But do get your nutritions and sleep. I lived on Ensure, Soylent, and other protein drinks. Sleep was elusive no matter what i did but now i sleep though most nights. Eventually your emotions will calm down and you will be able to get back to doing some of your normal routines. It will happen. You don’t have to force anything.
Find a friend you can trust and ask that friend to allow you to be 100% selfish. You can call her and just talk about your problems. You can bail on plans you make with her at the last minute, that sort of thing. Everything is acceptable. You are the priority right now.
Crying helped me a lot too. And i took long hot baths with music blasting.
I am sending you thoughts of strength and peace. I am sorry you are going through this.

posts: 68   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8707591
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Riverz ( member #79713) posted at 2:27 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

AJLT, I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a rough time…but I know this is all par for the course…we all have to go through it.

I know there’s light and joy eventually at the end of this dark, painful, depressing tunnel…but some days I don’t even see the tunnel!

Hang in there, girl. We can get through this again. It’s shitty…but we will overcome.

I’m in the same boat right now…yesterday was a bad day for me…I’m hoping today is better. The grief over the loss is so overwhelming…it literally knocks me down.

I just keep trying to think "one day at a time"…and try to keep my mind distracted.

My daughter and I watched "Whose Line Is It Anyway", and I was laughing my ass off! Such a great distraction for me.

Hang in there, girl. <3

[This message edited by Riverz at 2:28 PM, Wednesday, January 5th]

posts: 98   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8707606
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 8:48 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Today is 4 weeks since all blew up. I woke up with raging anxiety and I was doing ok until I had a counseling appt. I just exploded crying and had to end it early because I told her I have nothing to say, and I just want to cry (it was a video appt).

I feel I deserve this because I was so stupid to trust a con man.

I just want my strength and clarity back, this is terrible way to exist...

[This message edited by AndJustLikeThat at 12:15 AM, Saturday, January 22nd]

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8709119
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 1:41 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

I just f*g hate him today. I f*g hate him so much I want to kick him in the balls and show them down his f*g throat.
I want to call and scream at him, you f*g asshole. God what am I going to do with this anger, it is killing me.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8709700
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 2:53 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how much pain and anger you must feel.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8709708
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 2:48 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

I did a bad thing and agreed to talk to him on the phone. It just blew up in a fight and I am raging with anxiety now. I feel my chest and heart are going to explode. I can't handle this any longer. When will this anxiety end? Meds are not really helpful, just make me drowsy while heart is still pounding hard. how am I going to make it through this?

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8709813
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 3:22 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

Please consider another counseling appointment.

Crying with support, even, is healing.

BW 30-year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month EA/PA
Recovering

posts: 359   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8709824
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 8:35 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

Counselors are not helpful. they tell me nothing new - breathe, think f**k positive. seriously? what is positive in my situation?

the fact that my WH can go out with his friends now and have fun, while I am curled up in a ball of pain tells a lot.

I am weak and broken while the cheater is guilt-free and justified in his actions. If this is karma, I guess I deserve this. Not sure why, but I guess I deserve this misery while he just moves on. What a f**ing world we live in where online porn and cheating is normal, not to mention acting on that too.

I am just so broken now. Why can I be more like him and not hurt after all the injustices he has done to me?

[This message edited by AndJustLikeThat at 8:37 PM, Friday, January 14th]

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8709910
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 9:57 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

NOBODY deserves to be cheated on, no matter who they are. I found a trauma specialist to be more helpful than others. Some days, it's tough enough to put one foot in front of the other, or even get out of bed.

Your WS can do that because their head & morals are all kinds of f-ed up. He's broken & his brokenness will allow him to do and think in ways you'd never do.

I was barely functional the first 4 months, and only started to be somewhat functional around 9-12 months. You're right - thinking positive thoughts isn't going to help right now.

What can help? Take care of you. Brush your teeth, brush your hair, and eat. If you can't keep anything down, at least get some protein shakes. If you look at the nutritional information for some of those protein bars, they aren't much different than a Snickers. See your doctor if you need for depression or sleeping meds if you need. I had to go on anxiety meds because I had my first panic attack.

Some people have found EFT tapping to be helpful. I tried, and there was a little relief, but not much. Others swear by it.

The pain does subside, and you will feel better. It's that terrible 4-letter word TIME.

ETA: I wish I had found meditation sooner, because it helped me with my spiraling thoughts. Start small - maybe at 3 minutes & work up to longer. It helps to focus your thoughts. If your thoughts start to wander, take a moment & reset.

[This message edited by leafields at 10:00 PM, Friday, January 14th]

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 778   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8709931
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 2:02 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

leafields
Thank you for your suggestions. I am trying everything under the sun now, but when anxiety hits, all I can do is curl up and cry. It does not help that my WH thinks "it has been a month and it is getting worse!" Yes, it is! and when I try to tell him just how much he hurt me all I hear is " well, how did we get here?" Well, We got here because you felt something was missing in our marriage and you decided to cheat and lie, and he did not like that answer... He got violently angry and started yelling how he felt 'deprived'. He wants to go back in time and see what we BOTH did to make this happen.

While I am not diminishing my role in our marriage, however, I stayed faithful, and he chose to cheat (again). Now he thinks I need to work on stuff to fix our marriage too, but he does not get it that it will take me months maybe years before I can even look at him romantically. He does not get that. He is totally clueless what has this done to me and that is a huge red flag!
I have to accept that he pretends he cares.

It is driving me crazy thinking why would you stab me in the back TWICE and still ask for reconciliation. Am I a masochist?

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8709968
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:20 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

... when anxiety hits, all I can do is curl up and cry.

Actually, that sounds healing to me. This stuff - being betrayed - hurts! Crying and withdrawing help us process the pain. It might feel like it will go on forever, but the need to cry eventually stops, if you let yourself cry. It won't stop unless you express your grief in some heathy way, and crying may be the most direct and efficient ways we have.

Would it help to tell yourself (and possibly even telling your H) that the problem you're facing is deciding if he's worth staying with? You're the prize; he isn't.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:21 PM, Saturday, January 15th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26513   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8710022
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 5:21 AM on Thursday, January 20th, 2022

Today is a WOW Day. I got an email form my WH about how he feels about our marriage in the past few years and all I can say is WOW.

To summarize - he felt sexually frustrated and felt he couldn't 'reach' me with his attempts to get my attention, so he felt justified to cheat. Basically, he outlined everything I did wrong in the past years to make him feel unwanted and undesirable, so he felt he had a right to seek it elsewhere.

Even if most of what he said was true (and there are few fact twists and point-blank lies in this email), I do not feel responsible for his ultimate choice to lie and cheat. If he would have told me that it was so bad that he is thinking of seeing other women for pleasure, I would definitely get THAT message. (oh, but he tried to tell me and I was just too stubborn to listen!)

But his excuse is " see all these things I did for you, and you did not appreciate it or notice because you refused to see the truth" WTF? Of course, anything I've done was minimized or forgotten, or even worse, the facts are twisted just so to fit his narrative of misunderstood "poor Me". Fucken scary. Like we lived in 2 separate worlds.

How about just saying - hey I am going to fuck someone else if I can't fuck you? That would definitely got my attention. why did you not have the balls to say it like that? WOW

After that email, I had my a-ha moment: he is a classic example of an entitled narcissist. It kind of feels better that I know who I am dealing with. Scary part is how he changes the narrative of past events ever so slightly in his favor and making me a bad guy. A very classic narcissist. WOW

how could I have been so blind. wow

[This message edited by AndJustLikeThat at 5:22 AM, Thursday, January 20th]

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8710771
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 7:37 AM on Thursday, January 20th, 2022

How about just saying - hey I am going to fuck someone else if I can't fuck you? That would definitely got my attention. why did you not have the balls to say it like that? WOW

I don't know why they seem to think that makes it better. Basically, when they use the "not enough sex" excuse, they're just telling us we mean nothing to them and they only value us for our use as a sexual prop. That's like ripping off the mask and saying you weren't a good enough Betty the Blow-up Doll. Do they think we'll wring our hands and feel bad like we should have been a BETTER Betty Blow-up??? rolleyes

You know, I always hope the cheater will pull his head out, repent his decisions, and make real lasting changes in his life. But failing that, it's good when they show us definitively that they don't intend to do that. Cheating is about character. It's about integrity and the gap between stated values and actual deeds. This guy doesn't share your values. You value things like fidelity and honesty. He gives lip service to those things in order to fool you into thinking he's a good fit for you. But he's lying. When we actually do value the things we claim to, we build boundaries around those beliefs and protect them.

Your WH didn't cheat because he wasn't getting enough sex. He cheated because he's got NOTHING in his character which compels him to be faithful and honest. He's fully capable of saying, "yes!" to perfidy and betrayal. If he had integrity, cheating wouldn't have been a choice.

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8710777
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YankeeGal ( new member #78558) posted at 6:45 PM on Thursday, January 20th, 2022

I rarely post but felt compelled to reply to you because like you, I was also in my fifties when my world got blown to bits. I cried curled up in a ball in my closet for a year, then for many years after that while enduring false R. And like you, I was lost and afraid I was too old to start over. Couldn’t even imagine leaving and what would become of me until one day I was in the store and came upon an older man just sniping at his poor, defeated wife. He walked away and I went over to her to say how sorry I was and how my husband was also awful. This seventy-something woman looked at me with her oh-so-sad eyes and said "I wish I would have left him when my legs were still young enough to carry me." The most profound statement I’ve ever heard and the smartest life lesson I’ve ever witnessed.

The fact is, you’re not too old to start over but it is scary. But it’s not scarier than living in this pain with a husband that sounds exactly like my ex.

It will take you some time to get your wits about you. And it will take a lot of scared tears, but honey if I can walk away so can you. And although you can’t possibly believe it now (cause I surely didn’t), your life will be better without him. I won’t tell you how wonderful my life is now cause you can’t possibly fathom it today, but 6 years after leaving him I’m living in a dream world.

Listen to that wise, sad, older woman and walk away as soon as you’re able. Take the time (and it does take a lot of it), gather yourself in any and all means possible, rely on friends, loved ones, and even strangers, and like me you too will be able to experience calm and happiness again after leaving an unremorseful cheater who threatened me with homelessness by saying he’d bankrupt himself before he paid me a dime in support. But guess what honey - I just bought the cutest, coziest cottage on earth. Paid for it in cash. Don’t be afraid, even though you are right now and I totally know what you’re feeling. Cry as much as you need to now but know that eventually those crocodile tears will stop.

I still think of my ex often and hate what he did to my family but now I know my life would have been beyond awful had I stayed and let my fear win. Hire yourself a big bully attorney cause the only way to fight fire is with fire. And again, sweet sad BS, if this former scaredy-cat can do it, so can you! I am now mid-sixties and look and feel better than I ever did. I have the love of my children, family, and many new friends. Never would I imagined I would be okay again let alone happy and content. I didn’t believe it all those years ago when I first started reading this site and heard encouraging stories. I believed it could only happen to others but not me. It took a few years, lots of tears, and lots of heartache, but here I am. And just like that, you will be too. Believe it. Hugs and love to you sweet thing. Xox

[This message edited by YankeeGal at 6:46 PM, Thursday, January 20th]

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8710866
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 AndJustLikeThat (original poster new member #79715) posted at 12:28 AM on Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

Oh YankeeGal, thank you for that story. I still cannot see the end of this pain. I am still afraid to move on alone. But thank you for the wise words...OMG, I can't believe my situation. I was never like this... this just hurts so bad.

I don't know this person who claims to be my husband.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2021
id 8711257
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