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Newest Member: 39Robbo

Divorce/Separation :
50 years gone (a little long)

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 still2suspicious (original poster member #31722) posted at 9:37 PM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

I have never posted my story because I was ashamed. Ashamed that I never saw what I now see. Ashamed that I now feel I was always a back up plan, not #1. (although, in truth, that is my brain over dramatizing my life, and I know this)

Recap: Been together over 50 years. He has cheated 3 times (years apart from each other).

the first cheat: we worked thru it, MC, etc. In looking back I can see that I actually got over it, and we moved on. to what degree of cheating? I am pretty sure it was a PA. He is still denying it as a PA to this day, and for over 30 years his story has never changed.

Years later 2nd cheat: (the one that brought me here) This one could actually be #1 AND #3 shocked

HSGF that he cheated on me with back in HS. She is not local, but close enough it could have been a PA. Found out, he went NC but this time I couldn't get over it. We did MC, but he hated it as the MC was holding his feet to the fire, and that pissed him off. But, although I never completed trusted him after this, we did manage to enjoy most of the time together.

Years later: 3rd cheat: this one was my breaking point. Local, pretty positive it was a PA. He, typically, denies. I kept telling him she needed to be cut out of our lives, as I could not live like this again. He was adamant she "is just a friend" "you want to control every aspect of my life" etc, you all get the picture.

In between 2 & 3 I did serve him papers, as he was just acting shady and I THOUGHT I was done with him. I crumpled like a cheap suit within minutes. He left, and came back with all the platitudes that all BS's want to hear. And I believed him. Unfortunately for me I believe #3 started up shortly after that.

So a few years ago, after another argument my heart died. I realized he was NEVER going to see it from my point of view, he will always feel that I am in the wrong, he would probably cheat again if the opportunity arises, etc.

I planned on D'ing him then, but major life crises got in the way. All got straightened out.

Finally told him a few weeks ago that I am done.

He has spun the story that I have thrown out the D card so many times, blah blah, even tho he, too, has told me a few times, thru out our years, but he can't admit that, either. All the while refusing to acknowledge HIS actions, which led to MY reactions. Nope, it's all on me.

And, today he left. crying crying

I am beside myself and numb.

I know it is the right thing to do with this person he has become, BUT, after spending our whole lives together it is doubly hard to now have to live my life without him. I know without him acknowledging his actions, and being truly remorseful for them, we would have just stayed miserable and unhappy the rest of our lives.

Because he is the KING of conflict avoidance we are, both, now going to live out our retirement years with a new plan.

I know I have friends I could call. I called my D's, but they are busy and I hate to burden them, it is their father.

So, I finally decided to, briefly, tell my 50+ yrs history with all of you, as you are the only ones who truly understand the pain and shock of what I am going thru.

[This message edited by still2suspicious at 9:39 PM, Saturday, December 18th]

Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA
Every storm runs out of rain - Gary Allen

posts: 1733   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2011   ·   location:
id 8704964
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TurnedTurtle ( member #65603) posted at 11:00 PM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

So sorry to hear your story. 50 years is a long time!

"Secrets have a cost, they're not free, not now, not ever!"

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2018
id 8704973
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 11:37 PM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

I'm sending a big (((((hug))))) to you (((((Still))))). Fifty years is an awfully long time to live with deceit. So I my opinion you are doing the right thing. But still, after that many years it's got to be like losing a limb, infected and toxic though it may be. It is still a tremendous loss.

The loss will get less painful after a while, and you'll see things in a clearer light. Something I learned is that I was more alone when in a relationship where I was dismissed and lied to than I was when I was actually alone. The difference was that it was much less painful. It's much more peaceful. You don't wake up everyday resenting your partner. In time you'll get to that point too.

Take time to grieve the loss. Be kind to yourself. And do reach out to your daughters. You as a parent have always been there when they needed you. There is no shame in asking for the same.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

posts: 1555   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8704975
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 still2suspicious (original poster member #31722) posted at 11:46 PM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

Thank you.

I have been telling myself that being alone cannot be as painful as living with someone who does not even like you. But telling yourself is one thing....living it is another.

One of my DD's is reaching out to me as I was/am her support as she was/is going thru this too. Our situations are different, but the pain and hurt are the same.

Time to find a new IC. Friends are great but they do tend to side with me, and believe STBXH is a big ass (which I agree with but I did love him immensely)

Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA
Every storm runs out of rain - Gary Allen

posts: 1733   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2011   ·   location:
id 8704976
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 12:40 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

still2suspicious

I met wife (didn't have any idea she would become wife) in 1971.

Years later - married - we both had some negative/unsavory experiences with our amorous adventures we related to each other as we became more acquainted. (experienced before we choose to get serious)

A few years into formal Marriage (you know - engagement/church/reception/honeymooon yadda yadda) she decided I was going to "throw her out." Ergo - having an affair is OK.

I tell you this as we are still together because we both assessed the good and bad and willingness to make amends with our behaviors to make a marriage worth keeping intact.

For her: She came home and confessed (knowing I was suspicious) BUT - still denies the ultimate consummation of an affair.
Sound familiar?

For me? - after 1st wife dumped me and then several serious relationships tanked - I made some changes in how I treat my spouse.

For her decades later - still denies "anything more than kisses" Sound familiar?
For me - I have changed enough she can stand putting up with my "moods."


So for YOU!

Look over what you have, what you have experienced and try to make a list of the good/bad and decide the likely hood of future heart ache is probable and if the joy of being married is worth that heart ache.

You may decide you will be happier in the long term not being with someone who (my thinking) doesn't respect you enough to be honest and really shows love/care/affection and, most of all, respect.

Right now - you are looking at an either-or situation and both look like very unhappy ones in which to choose.

Choose you will - Separate - something you do on purpose - OR - stay in your current situation by doing "same old."

Others will post and I think relate stories of how they got on with life. Time will dull the pain and with a little effort you will find happiness.

Not Just Friends

posts: 596   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8704984
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:16 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

Hi Still, I am sorry all of this happened. 50 years is a long time to be with someone. Longer yet after 3 affairs that you know about.

I know it is a shock, but I think you are actually ready for it. You had decided you were done, so maybe this is a blessing. You don’t have to deal with the lies, cheating and disrespect. You deserve much better than that. I know peace so not easily found, but you have a chance now.

You will come through the shocked period soon. Keep busy especially around Xmas.

Being alone is hard, I am alone for the first time in 30 yrs. But it is less lonely than being in a marriage where I wasn’t loved.

Take care of yourself.

Ps. Your xh sounds like an utter and total jackass.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1786   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8704995
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 still2suspicious (original poster member #31722) posted at 3:36 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

Thank you, Hippo.

the likely hood of future heart ache is probable and if the joy of being married is worth that heart ache

.

My heart was totally shattered when TBX told me she (#3) is his BFF! At that moment I KNEW that nothing I did/didn't, say/didn't say was going to do any good. That was the day we, (well, actually I) literally, stopped talking about us, our marriage, our relationship or love. I KNEW that he is so far into fantasy that he doesn't really see me. He is still looking her up (have NO idea if there is communications or not). I have watched his mournful face when a "lost love" song comes on the radio. barf

We have lived like roommates since then, but for the years since #2 (TMI!!) our sex life was as close to zilch as you can get, without being zilch! laugh no sex for the last 2-1/2 years mad

So, future heartache is not only probable, but most certainly guaranteed. The joys for marriage being almost non-existent is also almost guaranteed. So there has been virtually nothing for me to work with, as he has shown me for years that he had/has no intention of working on us with me.

He just stopped loving me, and had told me that.

I, on the other hand, being with him since HS, and still loving him could just not accept that.

Until I did.

He is a typical WS, as in he cannot/will not acknowledge his behaviors. That would mean actually taking responsibility for HIS actions, period. Not deflecting and turning it all on me and my reactions. That would mean he would have to look in the mirror for his fucked up behavior, and we all know that most WS's DO NOT do that.

He has a number of single buddies that I believe have helped him see "there's so many more (non-controlling) women out there for you" duh that he can't help but want to give it a try.

doesn't respect you

No he doesn't. For years he hasn't respected my loving him, my taking care of everything in his life, covering his ass financially both personally and business-wise.

.. But I think all of us BS's agree that WS's have no respect for us in order to be able to do what they do.

Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA
Every storm runs out of rain - Gary Allen

posts: 1733   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2011   ·   location:
id 8704997
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 still2suspicious (original poster member #31722) posted at 3:44 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

like an utter and total jackass.

Oh, Tallgirl, he is. He so is! laugh

My DD was married to a true narcissist! My TBX is not. He has just become an ordinary selfish, spineless prick!! laugh

He wasn't always like this, but as he has gotten older his FOO's has become more pronounced.

I am not, and will not let him destroy Christmas with the grandkids. He will be here, for them, and I am the one who wants that to happen. I just have been doing MY Christmas things, and ignoring him BAH HUM BUG attitude! laugh

I know I will be OK, just have to go thru this pain to get to the other side.

Hell, by the time he decides he wants to "come home" I will probably not even answer the door!! laugh laugh

Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA
Every storm runs out of rain - Gary Allen

posts: 1733   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2011   ·   location:
id 8704999
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 4:52 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

If there was a place in the healing library for things we should know and work to effect:


Being alone is hard, I am alone for the first time in 30 yrs. But it is less lonely than being in a marriage where I wasn’t loved.


Perfect assessment Tallgirl

Not Just Friends

posts: 596   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8705004
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 9:00 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

My DD was married to a true narcissist! My TBX is not. He has just become an ordinary selfish, spineless prick!! laugh

Lol, you sure he isn't covert? He's certainly got the tendencies of one with his conflict avoidance and inability to take accountability. wink

50 years is a long time. You hung in there, but now it's time to start taking care of yourself.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8705013
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 still2suspicious (original poster member #31722) posted at 6:09 PM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

Forks,

I just looked up convert, and, once again, he checks off very few of those boxes. Looked up the other kinds, too, and again he doesn't match up. duh

Pushing boundaries and being passive-aggressive are about the only 2 that he has. But, then again, don't most of us have those at one time or other in our lives?

I know he has suffered from depression due to some of family issues, for some time, which he has admitted to. But he has also refused to do anything about it, so no one else can help him with that.

Not admitting to any of his actions that have hurt me truly stems from his FOO's. His family has always refused to address any unpleasant issues, especially emotional. He was never like that, until he is.

I never thought I would end up here, at this age, but I am. crying

I can only strengthen myself to move forward.

Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA
Every storm runs out of rain - Gary Allen

posts: 1733   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2011   ·   location:
id 8705044
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:34 PM on Monday, December 20th, 2021

I am older as well. One thing it took me a long time to learn is it is ok to say no. No to being treated shitty stops it. No is a powerful word. It gives the person you said it to understanding that you have strong boundaries. By your accepting his cheating he assumed it was tacit permission to do it again and to treat you with contempt. You are not guilty of anything but trying to hold on to your marriage. And that is admirable.

I have done a lot of research on borderline, passive aggressive, narcissistic personality disorders. They are not as clear cut as the literature says. They often cross pollinate as it were. Your ws might not be diagnosed as pd but they are on a continuum so he might be knocking on the door of one or two without stepping over the threshold. Overall it doesn’t matter. What matters is his behavior and that stinks!

Your time on this earth might be 30+ years. I think it is time for you to enjoy it free and clear. He doesn’t deserve you.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3113   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8705132
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hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 8:29 PM on Monday, December 20th, 2021

Also older. married 35 years, together 40. My entire adult life was spent married to him.

What really bites, is that every adult memory I have includes him. You just cant erase that or just "get over it".

It wasnt the affair that ended our marriage, it was who he became because of it. And I wasnt staying with a liar, cheat and thief.

Give yourself some grace. We have been handed a shit sandwich that we had no say over. Do for yourself right now!!!!

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 663   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8705194
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 10:19 PM on Monday, December 20th, 2021

Still, if he asks to come home, you can say no. You don’t owe him a thing.

Ps. He should be ashamed not you.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1786   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8705213
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 still2suspicious (original poster member #31722) posted at 6:36 PM on Tuesday, December 21st, 2021

By your accepting his cheating he assumed it was tacit permission to do it again and to treat you with contempt

Cooley,

This is it exactly! I THOUGHT he understood after #1, and he did for years. After #2 I told him a gazillion times I couldn't go thru this again, and, of course, like all WS's he promised it would never happen again.

told him during #3, but I guess after all this time he just heard "blah, blah".

Since he believes his shit of them being "just friends", so that's not cheating, I got to the point of quit wasting my breath trying to him see it from my point of view. Just not worth the wasted air. duh

every adult memory I have includes him

hcsv,

Yep, this is it. It just got to the point where my future memories do not want to include someone who has shown such anger and contempt for me. I want what we used to have: love, fun, jokes, sex. He left me no choice but to realize I may be able to find all of that, again, with someone new who wants the same things. (although at my age I highly doubt I will find someone sad )

I do believe anyone, at any age, can pull their head out of their ass, but I am pretty sure he does not have the motivation to do that.

Thank you all for your support.

Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA
Every storm runs out of rain - Gary Allen

posts: 1733   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2011   ·   location:
id 8705323
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cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 3:08 AM on Monday, December 27th, 2021

36 years lost. It was hard. I didn’t know I was married to a narcissist. He faked our entire marriage. It took me years to piece it all together. Now there is no doubt.

He traveled for work. So he had in town Christian marriage. Two Awsome kids. Great career. Out of town he was a crazy party single guy. Partied every night.

I started finding clues. Small facts. I was doing detective work for years. It’s hard to monitor in different states.

By the time he discarded me I knew quite a bit. He denied it all. Due to life threatening circumstances. I stayed on. Still knowing. Until he walked out without telling me. Just disappeared. By then I had learned a lot about Npd. Thank you SI. I recognized his actions. And knew what to do.

Odd thing was. He decided to leave me because his alcoholism had crossed over to full addiction. He was out of control. He had brain damage. Even after so much following trauma , he could not stop drinking. Had no desire to stop. Panicked at the thought of quitting. So he decided to find a new woman who liked to drink with him. He started cheating again.

So alcohol became more important then cheating. It had higher demand. His gf dumped him.

After all of the shock and surprise. I had to realize so much more. It was a pretend marriage. I loved him. So much. I think he enjoyed marriage. It was part time. That’s how he could stay. It was not what I believed it was. Years of suspicion . I knew he drank. He hid how much. He hid so much.

I’m 63 And covid started soon after my divorce. What are the odds.

I’ve often wondered if I would have stayed if not for alcoholism. Men age. Maybe he couldn’t cheat laugh they don’t stay the same. The disrespect The lack of love. The loneliness is hard to live with.

I never wanted my marriage to end. I hate divorce. Always have. We can’t control their bad behavior. It has consequences.

He’s now running around like he’s 21. Dating. Drinking. Chasing women boldly. He can’t keep a woman. But he goes thru them often. He’s happy sooo happy. His reality is off. He’s stage 4. Such a waste.

I went no contact asap. I’m still no contact. We live 5 miles a part. I pass him at least once a month. I’ve seen a lot.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:28 AM, Monday, December 27th]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4756   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8706091
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Gracey ( new member #79334) posted at 7:27 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

I read your post and just had to comment, I am in what I believe is fake reconciliation after WH of 33 years got caught in EA maybe PA. The OW has been a source of pain throughout our relationship as she has come between us before and now I question if she has always been between us. I feel our life has maybe been a lie, do you feel like that or just a sense of relief that you are no longer living with constant deceit? I like you have found it impossible to let go of WH even though I know I should have dine years ago. I have done 33 years, just cannot imagine the hell it must be after 50. Sending you love x

Together 33 years Married. 17 years

posts: 25   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8706299
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 still2suspicious (original poster member #31722) posted at 6:06 PM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

I am so lost. crying

One minute I am strong, am putting a plan for my future in place. The next I am a bawling mess.

I know this is normal.

He was here for Christmas, for the grandkids, and then left. Came by one more time for some stuff. Other than that, NOT ONE WORD to me, no calls, no texts.

I realized at 3AM this morning duh that he is definitely telling me, by his actions, that, yes indeed this is what he has wanted all along. He was just too much of a chicken shit to actually pull the plug. But now that I have, he is flying free as a bird.

I don't have a choice. I must keep going forward, no matter how much it is killing me.

I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. I now know that. But I'm so sad that that will, most likely, be my future. sad

Tonight will be the first time in his life that he will actually be able to go out drinking and partying with other women on NYE.

Must be nice to just be able to flip a switch on your life, and leave it all in your rear view mirror. crying

Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA
Every storm runs out of rain - Gary Allen

posts: 1733   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2011   ·   location:
id 8706794
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 8:59 PM on Saturday, January 1st, 2022

Ah, but still2, being able to just flip a switch willy-nilly won't allow him to build anything meaningful. He can go around sleeping with whoever and whenever, party till the wee hours of dawn, or gallivant to his heart's content. But what will he have to look back on, really, when the end of his life comes?

You still have time to make your life yours. Make it count. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean being unhappy. Don't waste any more of your years on him.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8706942
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