SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My family is falling apart because of my actions. 8 years ago I sexted with someone I met through work. I also got into his car after a meeting where he tried to kiss me. I set up a Kik account and sexted with other random people. I lost our home to a forclosure because I did not pay the mortgage. I was drinking heavily and got a DWI. 4 years ago, on Mother's Day, I tried sexting with someone and my husband caught me. He tried taking the phone away from me and I fought for my phone and my husband fell (because of me) and broke his fifth metatarsal. I was screaming at my husband and someone in our building called the police. We had to go to the hospital to treat my husband's injury (that I caused). My husband had kept my infidelity a secret from our son who was 8 when I cheated for 2 years. He protected our son and my actions that night led to our son learning about my infidelity. My husband has tried for years to keep our family together. We recently learned that our son told his friend about my infidelity and my husband feels betrayed and doesn't want to leave our apartment because he is humiliated that everyone in the building knows that he was cuckolded. He is angry with our son (who is now 16). He hasn't said anything to our son about feeling betrayed. I am worried that this betrayal will be too much for my husband to shoulder given all he has had to deal with. I am scared of what he might do. My husband's father committed suicide 22 years ago after his mother was unfaithful and divorced him. Therapy isn't the solution for my husband. He was dragged to therapists throughout his childhood by his mother who had munchausen by proxy. He was misdiagnosed and medicated throughout his childhood. He did try therapy with me after he caught me cheating because of his commitment to our family. I lied and gaslighted him during therapy so he's been doubly abused with therapy. I recently started a new job and won't have insurance until January anyway. He stopped working when our son was born and has been a stay at home parent. I lost our home, our son is 16 and will be going to college in 2 years, he has no friends or family to confide in. He is isolated and has been horribly traumatised by the people who were supposed to love him. I am worried that he will take his life.

This was rough to read. Question: have you suggested/encouraged him to get on here to express himself so that he might get some constructive feedback? And I get his reticence to get into counseling. You say he's isolated, this place might be a start to interact with outsiders constructively.

He was on years years ago and I was still lying to him and in my posts on here. He stopped posting. He feels that the advice he would be given is to divorce and he is completely alone in life. He has severe abandonment issues from childhood and his father's suicide. After his dad's death he tried to unite his siblings but they wanted nothing to do with him. His siblings sided with his mother. After my infidelity he again tried to reconnect with his brother and that too failed. His siblings are not nice or healthy individuals but my husband tried with them.

I think it’s very sad for either of you to expect that your son should or would keep this a secret. He is a person too and you should feel glad he is speaking to someone about this. It’s a shame he found out the way he did but it’s good he has an outlet and maybe that something you and your BH should try and remember.

Control what you can control. Maybe you need counselling and the example it will set for your son and your BH will help lead them in the right direction. It sounds like your BH is obviously struggling and not sure if he’s up to task to rise and be an example to your son to explain what’s going on now and that you’re both working on yourselves and your marriage and remind him that you both love him and that none of this is a reflection on him.

Not sure if that helps at all

There isn't an expectation that our son not talk about my infidelity. We had him in counseling so that he could talk and get support. We have offered counseling to him in January once I have insurance and for now he has declined it. My husband didn't tell our son he was angry. He wouldn't do that to him. It felt like a betrayal to my husband and I'm grateful that he expressed his feelings to me. Even in the darkest times in our family our son has expressed that he loves us and verbalizes that he knows that we love him.

Sounds like he really needs someone to talk to.

This is what your son is dealing with. His body/brain is getting him ready to move out and establish his independence. Your husband and you are depriving him of this very important step in development. How can he leave if his family is falling apart? It keeps him tied to you. Or he leaves and is gone because his memories are not happy ones. Neither of those outcomes are good for him. You need a family trained in Family Systems to help all three of you. It isn’t about marriage/ reconciliation. It is to address what issues are impacting your son.

My husband had not shared with our son how he felt about him talking to his friend. I have humiliated my husband and our son talking to his friend about my infidelity further humiliated him. He is an amazing father and didn't share the feeling of humiliation with our son. He supports our son and encourages him to talk about his feelings. My husband is not depriving our son of anything. With all of the pain that he carries, he is there to support our son. I have caused the damage to my family and my husband and son are the ones that suffer. My fear is that all of the suffering my husband has been left in will be too much to deal with given his familial history.

Professional counseling all around.

I see that as the only option. If your H can find the right person it could make a huge difference.

And if he had some support here at SI that could make a difference too.

Would your husband and son be less opposed to counseling if the three of you went as a family?

  Moving to Wayward Side

When I initially caught my WW, I found a lot of information about her EAP and she was devastated that she missed what a POS he was and what he REALLY was. I found what I perceived to be goodbye letters that she had written to each of us hidden in a pile of her paperwork.

I IMMEDIATELY contacted the suicide hotline . Whether she was planning on doing it or not, I wasn't going to take the chance. Call them, chat with them . Whatever it takes, but they will help you know what to look for until your husband can get into counseling. National Suicide Hotline 800-273-8255 . It is anonymous, and they will help you if you really think he may harm himself.

Just a note that (assuming you are in the US) - if you think your husband is about to attempt suicide you can always call 911.

Call them, chat with them . Whatever it takes, but they will help you know what to look for until your husband can get into counseling. National Suicide Hotline 800-273-8255 . It is anonymous, and they will help you if you really think he may harm himself.

Exactly. If you think your WH is a credible risk for suicide, get some real help. Call 911, your national hotline, or local emergency services. At the worst, he gets sent to the hospital for a few days and is forced to interact with doctors. Given what you've told us about his family history, I think you've got something to be concerned about.

Regarding your cheating and his apathy, consider taking a more proactive approach. If you haven't gotten to the bottom of your damage and figured out how you were capable of doing those things, keep going to therapy, even if you have to wait until January. Get right with who you are and what you stand for in terms of your values system. Make sure your boundaries with others are what they need to be... and that includes setting boundaries with your WH.

I think that when people set down the path to R, there should be a reasonable expectation of someday returning to a normal dynamic where both partners are equal again. It sound's like you're about four years out now and you ought to be seeing good progress on that. I'm not saying "total healing", but certainly NOT the apathy you're describing here. If it were me, I'd insist on depression screening at this point... and treatment. And if he refused, I'd have to consider whether this is how I wanted to live for the rest of my life.

...doesn't want to leave our apartment because he is humiliated that everyone in the building knows that he was cuckolded.

That^^^^ needs to be fixed. If he's become agoraphobic, there can be a lot of reasons. "Humiliation" though is about his inner monologue and HIS definition of masculinity. Feelings of humiliation though are internal. They're about what we think of ourselves. Therapy can help him with that, but only if he WANTS to be helped. It's still early on and there is no timetable for healing. That said, I don't believe a WS should have to wait forever for a BS to put the effort in. If he's not working on getting better now, is he going to do it later? As BS, we have our own work to do in order to get healthy, and part of that is to refrain from telling ourselves nonsense about how we can't go outside and using harsh language like "cuckold". Is that how he feels about other men who have been cheated on? Does he think that they're weak and they deserved it? Probably not. He's turning his pain inward as many of us do and that needs to stop. A good counselor can help him MAKE it stop. It sounds like this guy needs to get out of the house and he doesn't want to. That might not totally be about your cheating, you know. It might have it's roots in other things. He hasn't worked in 16 years, we've got a pandemic going on, your child doesn't need parenting the way he once did; there's a lot that could be going wrong. Not to minimize, but your cheating might be just one part of it even though that's the part he draws attention to.

This is not just his life, it's your life too. Come January, consider being more forceful about him getting some help. And in the meantime, if he threatens suicide again, call emergency services and have him hospitalized. You did a bad thing, but you can't live your life forever in fear. I think you'll need to be proactive to solve it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:35 PM, Saturday, November 27th]

Thank you all for your responses. If I do feel a credible threat of suicide I will call the police. My fear comes from what my husband has been through. His childhood was filled with counselors and psychiatric medications. He did not have a mental illness but his mother convinced people that he did. Giving medication to a developing, healthy mind caused damage. He doesn't trust therapists because they hurt him. Even with his experiences he tried counseling with me. And I lied to him. I betrayed him again in a setting that had already abused him. He isn't agoraphobic, he recently quit smoking and being outside triggers him to want to smoke. His feelings of humiliation are valid; I have humiliated him. Statistically he's at a higher risk of suicide because his father committed suicide. Add the damage he suffered in childhood. Those factors alone would cause anyone to worry about his risk. Now add my infidelity. We had been together for 20 years and I betrayed him. I lied, lost our home, he dealt with my alcolism; he has truly tried and he is now exhausted. He has tried and tried and continues to get only pain. I know that you all want to help him, us. He doesn't need a depression screen. He is depressed. He knows it too. The medications he was on during childhood have left a permanent scar. He waivers on taking meds again. They have caused so much damage that he's unsure if they would help. He's asked me to find someone to do a CT scan of his brain and would be open to trialing meds with someone willing to monitor his brain. We live near a medical college and I have looked into this possibility. I will work on getting this set up so that come January and I have insurance again, he can go.

In addition to all the excellent advice so far, might I add that you get to work fixing yourself. Perhaps if your BS sees you earnestly working on yourself, honestly, this time, working on yourself, and sees you making progress in therapy, perhaps he might begin to change his view of therapy, and perhaps begin to have a less futile outlook and assume a more hopeful outlook on his and the fate of your family, if he was to witness you taking an inspirational lead, championing reconciliation?

Have you dealt with your alcoholism?
Are you dry – as in sober – and if so are you doing any work to keep dry?

One of the most beautiful aspects of true 12-step work (as done by AA) is the emphasis on being truthful. I occasionally do volunteer work with recovering alcoholics and have noticed that those that succeed in their sobriety commit to a life of honesty.
There is a line – you don’t need to be truthful if you MIL asks you how you like her casserole – but on all the major issues a recovering alcoholic with 12-step background will tell you the truth, thereby dealing with issues that would/could otherwise build up resentment.
I strongly encourage you to look up your local AA group and ask an experienced sponsor (same sex sponsor) to guide you through the 12 steps. I think this will both help you and your husband and help rebuild the trust needed in a marriage.

You mention that your actions cost you the home…
Wrong…
I follow Dave Ramsey on issues like this: A marriage is a union and most state laws sort-of make a married couple a financial unit. I don’t know about your situation to state if your actions led to the situation where you lost your home, but IMHO no marriage should ever be in a state where one spouse can hide these things from the other. It might make practical sense that one partner writes the checks and mails them and ensures deadlines are met, but that doesn’t alleviate the other from the responsibility of being on top of the situation.

One extremely powerful relationship-building tool is for a couple to sit down and decide on finances. What’s your goal? What do you want from your money? How can you budget? Can you stick to the budget? Are you reaching your goals? Once again – I think Ramsey offers good advice on these steps, but there are others probably equally good and correct. The main issue is to work together at a mutually accepted goal.

The above two steps might not be directly aimed at "saving" your husband, but they are aimed at a) making you a better person and b) making your marriage a safer place.

You mention that your actions cost you the home…
Wrong…
I follow Dave Ramsey on issues like this: A marriage is a union and most state laws sort-of make a married couple a financial unit. I don’t know about your situation to state if your actions led to the situation where you lost your home, but IMHO no marriage should ever be in a state where one spouse can hide these things from the other. It might make practical sense that one partner writes the checks and mails them and ensures deadlines are met, but that doesn’t alleviate the other from the responsibility of being on top of the situation.

I fully agree with this. A marriage is a team; while responsibilities may be divided amongst the partners, it does not absolve the other from knowing wat is going on in their marriage.

The financial infidelity is a strong example. My SIL and her husband were in financial trouble. The husband was responsible for the bills, and their paying, and at the time, he was also the sole provider. He wasn't funneling money away for specific wrongdoings, but the bills exceeded money being made, and instead of seeing this early on, and telling his wife, he convinced himself that he would 'work it out'. Slowly and slowly the bills start to climb, then the debts spiral out of control.....

He didn't tell his wife out of fear and embarrassment. And she deliberately turned a blind eye to the many red flags that are inevitably starting to show up more and more.

When it all came crashing down, my SIL reached out to me 1) because I was a semi-parent figure to her, and 2) we were probably in the best situation to aid them financially. But what she DIDN'T see, at this time, was her lack of ownership in this situation. "He paid the bills; he didn't tell me there was a problem, so this is his fault." And she wanted me to talk to him while she was there. I'm sure she believed that I would be siding with her, as she didn't do anything wrong.

She was quite surprised when she learned, in my eyes, that she was not free of responsibility. I told them both that they are a married couple.....Team (Last Name)....and it was due to a deliberate lack of communication from both parties that has led them to where they are today. If they addressed this head on, instead of wishing it away, the fallout could have been far less severe. I'm not sure, dbm, the circumstances around your financial infidelity, but if your BH isn't trying to shoulder some responsibility, it should be explored as to why this is the case. Not trying to beat him up, but not trying to let him off, either.

I have been sober for 3 years. I don't crave alcohol or the escape I was trying to achieve with it. I am living honestly now and realize that my "escaping" was really just me trying to hide from my lies. I was court ordered counseling when I had my DWI and have participated in therapy for my drinking. I've attended a secular AA type of group as well. I know how to find those resources again if I feel I'm on that path to drinking again. I want to be clear here - I lost our home. My BH trusted me 100%. When we received notices about problems with our mortgage I lied to him and thought I could fix it. I gaslit him, I made a fake call and sent a letter to him pretending I was an attorney, and had him convinced that there was a mix up with my father's estate because he had cosigned on our mortgage. I had never lied to him in the 20 years that we'd been together so he had no reason to think I was lying to him now. My husband is not a fool. I was a good liar. I've shared in other posts that I was sexually abused by my father during my childhood and I hadn't shared that with anyone. After he died I started to emotionally unravel. I was drinking heavily and that is when I cheated and lost our home. That backstory is to put into context that I was plummeting down a shame spiral and wouldn't allow my already fragile ego to be seen as a failure to my husband. So I lied and manipulated him about our financial problems believing I could fix them. We now manage our finances together.