Gaslighting

Today on the phone with my BH I gaslit him. This past week he had mentioned teaching our son to cook hamburgers. During our phone call today I said that I could make burgers for dinner. He reminded me that our son had asked him teach him how to make them. He was upset that I had forgotten that he had told me that our son wanted him to teach him. I responded by gaslighting him. I back pedaled and said that I had stated that my husband could make them with our son. That is not what I had said. While my husband was initially hurt that I didn't remember what he had told me last week, now he was angry that I was gaslighting him. He called me out on gaslighting him. I acknowledged that he was right and that I had lied. I then had a whole list of reasons why. I need to be accountable for my actions. Better yet, I need to respect my BH and always speak with integrity. Todays example was over something minor, but in the past I was a master manipulator and gaslighter. I tell him that I am doing the work and making changes to be a decent person. A decent person does not act how I did today.

16 comments posted: Tuesday, March 29th, 2022

I am worried that my BH might take his life

My family is falling apart because of my actions. 8 years ago I sexted with someone I met through work. I also got into his car after a meeting where he tried to kiss me. I set up a Kik account and sexted with other random people. I lost our home to a forclosure because I did not pay the mortgage. I was drinking heavily and got a DWI. 4 years ago, on Mother's Day, I tried sexting with someone and my husband caught me. He tried taking the phone away from me and I fought for my phone and my husband fell (because of me) and broke his fifth metatarsal. I was screaming at my husband and someone in our building called the police. We had to go to the hospital to treat my husband's injury (that I caused). My husband had kept my infidelity a secret from our son who was 8 when I cheated for 2 years. He protected our son and my actions that night led to our son learning about my infidelity. My husband has tried for years to keep our family together. We recently learned that our son told his friend about my infidelity and my husband feels betrayed and doesn't want to leave our apartment because he is humiliated that everyone in the building knows that he was cuckolded. He is angry with our son (who is now 16). He hasn't said anything to our son about feeling betrayed. I am worried that this betrayal will be too much for my husband to shoulder given all he has had to deal with. I am scared of what he might do. My husband's father committed suicide 22 years ago after his mother was unfaithful and divorced him. Therapy isn't the solution for my husband. He was dragged to therapists throughout his childhood by his mother who had munchausen by proxy. He was misdiagnosed and medicated throughout his childhood. He did try therapy with me after he caught me cheating because of his commitment to our family. I lied and gaslighted him during therapy so he's been doubly abused with therapy. I recently started a new job and won't have insurance until January anyway. He stopped working when our son was born and has been a stay at home parent. I lost our home, our son is 16 and will be going to college in 2 years, he has no friends or family to confide in. He is isolated and has been horribly traumatised by the people who were supposed to love him. I am worried that he will take his life.

18 comments posted: Saturday, November 27th, 2021

How to move forward

I sexted with AP and my BH feels I gave the AP attention that I have never given him. Prior to my infidelity I had never sexted with my husband. On the one hand, my husband wants to know that I desire him and wants me to send him sexual messages but when I send them they make him angry and if I don't send sexual messages he also becomes angry. We talk about how to move forward a lot. I want my husband to know that I love and desire him without feeling like I'm just manipulating him and doing things out of shame or some sense of obligation. How do I express my attraction without causing him to trigger? I am trying to let go of the outcome and exist in life with him but that is easier said than done. My fear of causing triggers holds me back sexually with him.

20 comments posted: Saturday, August 14th, 2021

7 years

Seven years ago today was our first Dday. I lied for years, sexted with random people, lost our house due to me not paying the mortgage, got a DUI, attempted suicide, lost jobs. I've put my husband through a lot. Yet he is still here. He is angry at times but he is still here. He is hurt but he is still here. I do not express my love and appreciation for him the way I should. He is an amazing husband, father and friend. We are working on building a new relationship. He has done all of the lifting to get us here. Betrayed spouses carry the burden for their wayward spouses choices. Seven years is a long time. It's my turn to carry him.

14 comments posted: Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Rollercoaster

I have put my BH in hell and want to help him find a way out. He is triggered today and it is painful to see how much devastation my choices have caused. I spent years being defensive while he was expressing his pain. Today I try to be supportive, thoughtful and present in his pain. I answer his questions honestly, I apologize for my choices, give him space when he asks for it, but none of my actions can undo the destruction I have caused. I feel powerless to help him which disgusts me because it was my power that threw him on this rollercoaster against his will. He didn't sleep much last night and spent another night listening to me snoring while he sat in pain. He doesn't have any family or really close friends he can talk with. His only outlet is me and I'm responsible for how he feels. He reads this forum daily and I know he will read this post. Any support and guidance would be much appreciated.

8 comments posted: Saturday, June 5th, 2021

Tainted

My BH says that he will forever see me as tainted. We were high school sweethearts and each other's first and only. My affairs were sexting with one kiss. I haven't had physical sex with another man but with the amount of lies I told for years there are times that my BH doesn't believe me. He has said that I am tainted in his eyes and heart. How can I support my husband? I see the pain and destruction I have caused. I want him to heal.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Cautionary tale

It's been 7 years since the initial D-Day. I lied for 5 years after I was caught. I trickle truthed, mixed lies with reality and gaslit my husband for years. After 5 years he finally knew everything but couldn't believe me. Why would he? You cannot drag someone through the hell I put him through and expect to be believed. A year ago I lied to my husband about work. I felt pressured so I mixed lies with reality again. That lie (not at all about infidelity) set our healing way back. That lie undid all of the work that had been done. I've read before in these forums that it's not the sexual infidelity that destroys the marriage, it's the lies. The destruction of my marriage is 100% because of my lies. Honesty is the only way forward. Our betrayed spouses deserved fidelity and we failed. You must give your BS the truth. Don't trickle truth or minimize. The only way forward is with honesty.

1 comment posted: Friday, May 21st, 2021

Inconsistencies

My BH and I were talking about my lies, betrayals and my infidelity. One topic that continues to come up when we are talking are the inconsistencies of my explanation about my infidelity. He does not believe that my AP is who I say it is. A little back story - 7 years ago I got very drunk and sexted with someone I had met at a meeting through work. He has the same name of someone that was in a karate class with us at that time. My AP shared other things in common with this person as well. They both liked the same sports team and in the sexts I called the AP sir. The man from our class would sit in between my husband and I at the dojo, would make inappropriate comments and made pelvic thrusting gestures behind me that my husband witnessed. My husband believed that I made up the man from work and that my AP was the guy from our class. Years later, after I lost our home due to a foreclosure, I ended up sexting with the man from our karate class. At the time I believed I was reaching out to the AP from the past. I had received an email from the man in our karate class with his phone number. I believed the email had come from my AP. My husband did a reverse look up with the phone number that I had sexted and learned it was the man from karate. I was shocked. I took a lie detector test and failed one question. The question was about the man from our karate class. I've written timelines but they are all different. I understand that it's not acceptable and there are consequences for my behavior. I was drinking a lot back then and I don't have a strong memory of my sexting. My husband has been trying to move forward with me but cannot get past the inconsistencies. He has asked me to be honest with him so that we can move forward. I have been honest with him. I see how my experience looks like lies. And I have lied to my husband so much in the past that I understand why he thinks I am still lying. My husband is trying. We have better days sometimes but the hell I've created is always present. I'm not sure what my question even is. I know he deserves the truth. I have given it to him. I am sorry for the pain and destruction I have caused him and our family. I want to move forward as a family.

27 comments posted: Sunday, March 14th, 2021

Boundaries

I have a female coworker that calls me most mornings on her drive to work. The majority of the discussion is about work with some complaining sprinkled in. My BS commented this morning that this was another example of boundary issues. I realize that I was defensive stating that it was about work, I talk with her in front of him showing it's nothing inappropriate and just didn't see where a boundary was crossed. After discussing with him I see what he is saying. Had he not said anything I would have continued with the calls. I am sharing this as a way to continue to grow and move forward. We have had conversations like this dozens of times and I don't change anything. I truly want 2021 to be a year of promise and growth. I need to stop being so defensive. Even after he says I'm being defensive I argue I'm not. I hate that I cause my husband so much pain to learn simple things.

11 comments posted: Monday, February 1st, 2021

How to move forward with so many lies in the past?

I am a liar. I've lied about big things like physical contact, an attempted kiss with an AP, and financially ruining our family by losing our house due to nonpayment. I've lied about little things like if I got the mail or not. For 7 years my husband has lived in hell that I created. There is zero trust even though he tries. We have better days sometimes but the hell that he lives in never subsides. He threatens divorce, he threatens to cheat and at times he just wants out of this life. I desperately want our marriage. I love him. He's an amazing father to our son and partner to me. I have told him the whole truth but he has absolutely no reason to believe me. I have destroyed him. Does anyone have any advise to help us move forward together?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, January 27th, 2021