reeggiwwcom (original poster new member #79611) posted at 5:41 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
I am exhausted. Found out my husband was having Asian masseuses come to our house. All while I was out of town caring for a dying parent. He said he got a massage that ended with a hand job and that it was just a "release" to keep his prostrate healthy. He had someone over 1-2 times a week. When he got caught, he said he didn’t think he was crossing a line and it was for his prostrate health, he said it was only a hand job for release and just became part of the massage. 8 months ago this was revealed and I was told it would never happen again and now last week, the first trip I go on, he goes to Asian massage. I am devastated, He promised to never go again, to do nothing that would cause me alarm or stress. Actually the night before I left, I told him I have anxiety about leaving and he hugged me and assured me he would never do anything like this again, he understands it was wrong and how much it hurt me. I am now filing for divorce.
ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 6:08 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
Sorry, but if it was just for his prostate health, he'd be doing it himself. No need to cheat on his wife, or spend marital funds, or bring strangers into your HOME.
8 months ago this was revealed and I was told it would never happen again and now last week, the first trip I go on, he goes to Asian massage. I am devastated, He promised to never go again, to do nothing that would cause me alarm or stress.
He's not listening to you. If he was listening, there wouldn't have been a second dday. I think your best bet is to see an attorney and find out what your financial situation might be if you need to kick this guy to the curb. I don't think I'd tell him that I'm doing it, but I also wouldn't hide it. IOW, go ahead and make payments right out of your main account and leave the business card lying out on the bathroom sink. See at least three and make sure that you've interviewed the best ones in your jurisdiction, just in case it ever does come to divorce. That way, your WH won't be able to use them.
Sometimes, the cheater doesn't take us seriously until we're actually serious. I would never suggest threatening divorce or putting out an ultimatum that you're not prepared to carry out. But the fact is that your WH has already been caught once, already made promises to stop, and already reneged on those promises. Unless something changes in a pretty drastic way, there's no reason to expect you won't be seeing more of the same.
You would do well to go ahead and get STD testing. A guy who brings a stranger into your home for a hand-job might not stop at that, and depending on what kind of money is in play, the so-called "masseuse" might be game. To be honest with you, I would ASSUME full-on sex and he'd need to pass a polygraph to get me to believe otherwise; motive, means, and opportunity. You'll want to see your doctor anyway because this kind of stress is really hard on the body and you might find yourself in need of some medication to help you manage it. Certainly, you'll want to engage in the best self-care you can manage; eat right, sleep right, hydrate, avoid alcohol, and get some light exercise. If you don't take care of your body it will let you know, and that's unpleasant, I can tell you from experience.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I know it probably sounds counterintuitive to pull on your bitch boots and be the hard ass when all you want to do is cry. But at the bottom line, as he stands today, he's an unacceptable partner. He needs to change, and if he refuses to get serious about that, all you're losing is about 180 pounds of no good, lying, nasty cheater. Give some thought to what you need to see from him that would keep YOU engaged in the relationship. Maybe that's him getting into therapy, turning over his passwords and becoming an open book, passing a polygraph, whatever you need to feel like he's a safe partner again. He's had his choices. The next choices are YOURS.
[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:11 AM, Tuesday, November 23rd]
gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 6:20 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
Agree with CT - and esp this:
You would do well to go ahead and get STD testing
Tell your Dr you want a FULL STD panel.
One thing about waywards is that they are usually REALLY good liars. It was hard for me to digest/accept that WRT my own WH.
I'm so sorry you have a need to find SI - and I'm glad you found us. You may find the divorce/separation forum to be helpful too.
M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived
It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies
Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 10:48 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
[…]just a "release" to keep his prostrate healthy.
[…]it was for his prostrate health
That is about the most original excuse I have heard. I give him credit for that!
Ask him if a doctor prescribed this form of preventive treatment and if it’s covered by your insurance!
Then point out that as recently as early last century women were treated for stress by having doctors masturbate them. In fact, the vibrator was invented to help the hapless doctors with their tired wrists and hands. Ask him if he’s OK with having Guido and Maurice from the "health-service" gigolos dot com come over to alleviate some of your stress and if he would be willing to check if your insurance covers that too.
Joking aside – this is clear and intentional infidelity.
If he thinks this if all fine and dandy and can be justified by health and safety then I suggest you two book a session with your doctor and ask him if having regular once-a-week ejaculation with no break due to a spouse being ill, not present or not available is necessary for prostrate health.
Then a visit to someone you both respect – a priest or parent or mutual friend – and ask if having someone other than your spouse sexually stimulate you with the planned intent of having an orgasm can be justified as medically necessary and/or if that’s just plain old infidelity.
He should be willing to talk openly about this – after all he did nothing wrong…
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 2:51 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
I’m so sorry for what he’s done to you.
Our arms are long enough to reach our dicks for a reason.
Rid yourself of him.
He does not deserve you.
Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:09 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
Cut the rope. Let his boat go on down the stream. You do need to be married to someone this nutty. Don’t you think doctors world wide would be recommending this if it were true.
You have to give him credit. During his short periods of lucidity he has come up with a doozy. The problem is he thinks you are too stupid to notice that he is a lying cheater. Just a garden variety cheater.
Occam’s Razor fits your reaction perfectly. The simplest answer is usually the right one. He cheats on you.
To thine own self be true. Shakespeare
Happenedtome2 ( member #68906) posted at 2:16 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021
So sorry to see you here.
That was certainly an original excuse, I'll give him that.
If you're filing for divorce, be sure to get a few consultations. It not only gives you the best options, but screws him in many cases because he can not use the same lawyers. It will certainly be interesting to see his reaction when the papers fall in front of him.
For now, take care of yourself. Eat well, drink water, avoid overdoing it with alcohol.
BH DDay August 2018 :https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451
rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 3:18 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021
Hey, we're impressed with his excuse. We've heard a lot of reasons for these extramarital cheats.
For "his health" is brand new. He is quite creative. We've never heard that one before.
And the ffffing worst thing is that he does this while you're dealing with a terminal parent.
You did the right thing by filing. Let him make amends, if that's possible.
He's a cheater, pure and simple.
R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.
somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 3:31 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021
..your 'husband'??? ..is a complete moron... and I would advise you to make him your 'X'moron...
otherwise, he's bound to give you a lifetime of heartbreak and tears. Leave him and his prostate behind and find yourself a true and faithful partner.
trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think!Me 74 Her 70 Married 49 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumor!
reeggiwwcom (original poster new member #79611) posted at 3:58 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021
Update, I have had zero contact with WH and he spoke to my cousin to say this; "I really screwed up, I posted a FAKE text message to flush out if spyware is on my phone and now it has blown up in my face and I just needs to talk to wifeto explain. Personally if he wanted to test me, he could of sent a text that said doctor just said I have 4 weeks to live, prostrate cancer has taken over and I don’t know how to tell my wife. But instead texts and he sets up an appointment with an erotic masseuse before I leave town and then texts on the morning of the appointment "I am here". He was really working this trap wasn’t he? All the way to the FAKE arrival. This guy is a peace of work.
By the way, keep an eye out for the book that I will write, title is: I AM HERE. Hehehe
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:55 AM on Friday, November 26th, 2021
A liar to the end.
So sorry you have to deal with this crap.
No contact us your best mice right now.
Do you have a future plan?
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 4:13 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021
"I really screwed up, I posted a FAKE text message to flush out if spyware is on my phone and now it has blown up in my face and I just needs to talk to wifeto explain.
Sometimes I wonder if they actually listen to themselves.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:43 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021
I don’t think you have any other options.
And if this is an addiction he has developed you can see where this is going. Nowhere.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:09 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021
You’ve gotten great advice.I just wanted to add my support— this is hard.
Take care of yourself and be sure to watch finances now that he knows you are serious about leaving.
You will be okay. Post when you need support.
Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 7:09 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021
If this was really for prostate health he would be taking care of it himself... Unless, are his arms broken?
At any rate you have been heard and make sure to take care of yourself. Individual counseling would be beneficial.
BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.
Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 11:04 AM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021
I am sorry you are going through this. My ex went to erotic message parlours too, it is disgusting. He felt better going to the same girl. Ugh.
His planning, and deceitfulness are well honed.
Be careful going forward, lying is second nature. Particularly in a split.
Legally separated, one more step.
outofsorts ( member #70701) posted at 1:32 AM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021
I am so, so, sorry that you are going through this....
My WH also had about 10 handjobs from "massage parlors" prior to sex with a prostitute at a "massage parlor".
I know this probably hurts more than anything in your life. Just know that you are at a good place and will receive support and understanding here.
Me(BW): 40WH: 40 Married 7 years, together 20.Dday 2/22/19Reconciling
Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:53 AM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021
Hi. I couldn’t get IM to work.
Will try again.
Legally separated, one more step.