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General :
So angry I ignored the signs

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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 11:29 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

As more time goes by the angrier I get that I missed some of the most basic signs of cheating. Behavior that I’ve read about or was somewhat aware were tell tell signs of infidelity.

I remember in December of 2019 WH telling me he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore for no reason. Just out of the blue. I was furious. A year later I found out he had met the spouse poacher in November 2018. I recall him trying to take it back less than 30 days later and I lost it on him in the car. That fits in the timeline the SP was seeing other ppl and cooling things off. I screamed at him to fck off and to never touch me again. He lies about this whole scenario until this very day. Tells me it had nothing to do with the affair why he cut off sex. It was to make me wake up and change my mean ways. I had asked him to man up and get some help with his compulsive spending. So in turn he cheated on me because he couldn’t adult. What a liar.

The other stupid and cliche sign was he started caring about his looks. Hired a trainer. The early gym trips lasted barely 2 weeks lol. But yup still was a clear sign he was cheating. I saw all of this and thought good lord typical mid life crisis shit. Other signs his nasty attitude. Screaming like a little girl when I walked into his room. I almost caught him talking to the skank. I really should’ve kicked him out of the house. I regret not pushing that because I did tell him to leave.

I know as the BS were not to blame for missing things or not confronting them. We had blind trust. Our first thoughts aren’t he or she might be cheating. I’ve learned I never should’ve had blind trust in the first place. I knew better. I was taught that anyone was capable of anything and I projected qualities on my stbx that he never had. If he could be dishonest about money, hidden accounts, and foraging my name on documents of course he was capable of cheating.

I’m just still angry and grossed out that he used the guest room to jerk off to phone sex with the skank. Send dick pics and lord knows what else. The red flags were waving like crazy. I’ll never fall for it again.

Thanks so much for listening to my feelings. I have a lot on my mind because as I get closer to this divorce I know I need to actively work on my healing. Thanks for giving me that space to do so. I will be posting a lot so sorry in advance.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8699388
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lostindenial ( new member #79420) posted at 11:43 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

I feel the same way. Somehow my wh had me convinced that I was a bad wife and a bad parent. Over the past two weeks, when I have taken 100% responsibilities of raising kids, going to work and home, I am realizing how much more peaceful and easy it is. We really don’t need the waste of space. He was a gaslighter, self absorbed narc and manipulator and liar who always felt sorry, victimized himself and made me feel guilty. Once in a while, I will set him straight but again he will fall into his narc ways. It was about his looks, his needs, his clothes, his stuff, his image and everything that started with him and ended with him. Sometimes I look back and wonder why I picked a person like this. Very recently I called him out on his DARVO, he straightened up for two days and now he is back to his old "poor me" routine. He did nothing to engage emotionally, he did nothing to think thoughtfully for me, everything was a transaction and thank God, my body knew before my heart did because I rarely had sex with him in the past year. He is somewhere still pulling the manipulative routine of "how it is not his fault". My family used to say that always look at the family before marrying into one. Wish I had done that. Who knew I married a rotten fruit myself. My eyes are slowly opening to his behavior as I am learning to live by myself and gaining confidence. I wish and pray for you that you get your closure and ending and have a great life once you get rid of the bastard. Unfortunately for me, this is the end. After this second failed attempt at happiness, I am perfectly happy by myself. Cured out of all relationships forever.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2021   ·   location: FL
id 8699391
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:48 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

Guuuurrrrrrl, my xwh was pretty much a walking red flag from the get-go, and I ignored all of it too. One of my best friends is going through a divorce right now and we were talking about this very thing the other day. I remember when I was going through my D, I hit a rough patch of seeing alllllll those red flags in a whole new light and then feeling like the world's biggest idiot that I ignored them all. But that came from a pure place of the best intentions - I loved him and wanted him to be what I thought he was. That doesn't make me an idiot, it makes me a normal human and a trusting person and that's not a bad thing to be at all.

Don't beat yourself up. Just learn from it and make sure that your healing includes setting healthy boundaries for yourself going forward. That old adage - when you know better you DO better.

Hugs PurpleReign. Divorce SUCKS. It just does. It's sad and hard and awful. But life after D is pretty sweet IMHO. You'll get there eventually too.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3202   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8699392
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 1:25 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

In the beginning we are very trusting so we're not looking.
After we see it, we're not believing. We're in denial and in rejecting it mode.
"Oh my, they'd never do that". Oh gee, that must be something else than what I thought.

Then, when the evidence is overwhelming, the gong goes off and we can look back and see the whole trail of lies and cheats.
They get away with that kind of thing for one cycle only. After that we're suspicious and looking for everything.

After the first A, we've lost our virginity and we will never feel the way we did nor believe the way we did.
We can forgive but the whole thing NEVER goes away.

You know better now, you had to learn the tough way, we all did. My goodness, you should see the anomalies I excused.
At least now this kind of trail of lies and cheating will never be invisible to you again.
Now you can see just fine. You are no longer blind.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 980   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8699403
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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 1:46 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

LostinDenial I could’ve written your reply. I relate to so much of it. The ex is a narcissist. Blames me for the affair. Uses DARVO. Is self centered and will never take responsibility for his cheating. I’ve lived alone for 2 years and I’m loving it. Anytime he’s tried to abuse me while helping with the house or pets I send him on his way. I do most things by myself these days anyway. Wait correction I always was the man of the house.

The nightmare is coming to an end now. I don’t ever want him back in my life. I don’t need to heal through him anymore and that is/was the hardest lesson of all. I’ll never get closure from him and that’s ok. I’ve had to do this before with my own parents. You just let toxic people be. They aren’t capable of fixing what they have broken. It just is.

I’m doing the work and will continue to unlearn what got me here. Why I allowed such horrible behavior. I didn’t ask to be abused but I do take full responsibility for saving myself and removing myself from harm. I haven’t talked to anyone about the trauma or pain of his cheating and sex addiction. My friends and family only see my strength and resilience. Now it’s time I confront and unpack my pain and anger in order to move forward. I’d rather do that with a therapist and people who get it.

I’m so glad you said enough is enough. Cheating is abuse but to have narcissism and emotional abuse continue well after DDay is a tad too damn far. I’ll pass on the attempt for him to traumatize me any further.

Thanks for sharing your journey and responding. It truly helps me know I’m not alone.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8699408
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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 1:57 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

EllieKMAS you’re so right. We loved them blindly. And yes I feel like an idiot but I do get it. I didn’t believe him enough the first time he showed me who he was. It was year one of marriage and I didn’t want to admit defeat. Young and foolish is what that was. Pride too.

Now that I’m allowing myself to just feel and express those emotions, I see it all now. My goal now is to learn not to react to his narcissistic injury response. I’m learning everything I can on how to combat DARVO. I’m learning how to just breathe, cut off any conversation immediately, and disarm the abuse coming my way. It’s not easy at all but it’s necessary. I only have a few more months that I have to have any contact. I’m starting to get happy and excited at the prospect of having a new life. There is sadness sometimes but there is so much hope.

I start grad school this spring and I’m excited and ready for this new chapter in my life. I feel sorry for the stbx, not in a pity way that got me trapped years ago. Just knowing he is a very mentally and emotionally fckd up individual. Plus he’s an addict. That can’t be a pleasant life at all. He’s truly a lost soul and I’m not.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8699409
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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 2:10 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

Rugswept that’s exactly it! That’s the stages we go through. Like I did see these things but I didn’t or couldn’t respond as I should have. I actually trusted him when he said it wasn’t anything serious. That he would stop talking to her. I want to tear my hair out for that one but this did happen. All the cliche things he did. Ugh you just feel so stupid.

It didn’t help that at the time I was detaching from him. I wanted to separate and I wanted him to leave but he wouldn’t. I was so overly focused on getting my life straight and stopping the bleeding of his other huge betrayals and mistakes. It wasn’t until much later I begin to wake up. It was my intuition that busted him. I am proud of that.

Rather one divorces or reconciles we are not the same people we once were. We can trust but not naively or blindly. We can love but with respect and boundaries. I hope I’m never a victim of cheating again but now I know the signs. I also know what to do immediately. Not only is my ex not getting a second chance neither will anyone in the future. It’s my deal breaker now. It has to be for my own sake. Thanks so much for sharing that perspective.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8699410
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:40 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

It’s a violation of your trust. Never again!!! We couldn’t believe what was right in front of our face because there is no way they would do that to us. We trust them because we made a commitment in front of God and family.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 876   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8699431
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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 6:22 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

Tanner we most definitely trusted them wholeheartedly. We should’ve been able to trust them but they took that for granted. I just feel like I wasn’t paying close enough attention to what was going on. It’s so bad looking back. I’m so angry at the humiliation of it all. Someone I trusted disrespected me and made a fool out of me. It’s hard to accept but I have to.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8699432
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 10:05 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

For me there were no signs until there was the one sign that made me look. Other than that there wasn't anything. That's so frustrating too. Knowing he could fake all of it in front of me.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 158   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8699437
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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 11:28 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

Felix that is a horrible feeling too. It’s knowing the lengths they would go to for someone not their spouse. So much gaslighting lying and effort it took to deceive an innocent. I’m absolutely angry at all of it. It’s very hard for me to look back and dissect everything. I see so much clearly now.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8699441
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 2:10 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

For the past thirty years, I have been a trial lawyer. If it happens at the courthouse, I handle it. That includes divorces, as well as criminal cases from shoplifting to murder. Some of the criminal cases involved infidelity and the crime was essentially a crime of passion (albeit still a a crime).

All that to say, I’ve seen a lot for a long time. I’ve handled hundreds of divorce trials, heard thousands of sad stories, from men and women. As I tell my clients when they are shocked that I was able to take the facts they give me and accurately fill in more things that had happened and then predict accurately what would happen next, "I’ve seen this movie hundreds of times."

If a man had walked into my office and told me what I KNEW to be true during my wife’s affair, I’d have instantly looked at him and said, "brother, she’s fucking that guy and we’ve got to get you out of this." Not one second of delay, not one shred of doubt would have attended my diagnosis.

But that’s not how love and trust works.

I knew more than enough to be sure of my wife’s affair, during her affair, but I didn’t believe it, I didn’t want to believe it. I loved my wife, I did not want a divorce with two adolescent children. So I persevered.

Eventually the affair ended and only years later did I learn the truth, and the truth was and is ghastly.

So, I feel your pain, and you are not alone, and you’ve been heard.

I hope you can learn to forgive yourself for being the good and trusting person that you were when your spouse didn’t deserve it.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8699451
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 10:17 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

So many good lines in this thread that speak for me...

Guuuurrrrrrl, my xwh was pretty much a walking red flag from the get-go, and I ignored all of it too.

I hit a rough patch of seeing alllllll those red flags in a whole new light and then feeling like the world's biggest idiot that I ignored them all.

After we see it, we're not believing. We're in denial and in rejecting it mode.

My goodness, you should see the anomalies I excused.
At least now this kind of trail of lies and cheating will never be invisible to you again.
Now you can see just fine. You are no longer blind.

Uses DARVO. Is self centered and will never take responsibility for his cheating.

You just let toxic people be. They aren’t capable of fixing what they have broken. It just is.

Cheating is abuse but to have narcissism and emotional abuse continue well after DDay is a tad too damn far.

It was year one of marriage and I didn’t want to admit defeat. Young and foolish is what that was. Pride too.

I’m learning everything I can on how to combat DARVO.

Like I did see these things but I didn’t or couldn’t respond as I should have.

I just feel like I wasn’t paying close enough attention to what was going on. It’s so bad looking back. I’m so angry at the humiliation of it all.

I’m absolutely angry at all of it. It’s very hard for me to look back and dissect everything. I see so much clearly now.

I loved my wife, I did not want a divorce with two adolescent children. So I persevered.

Funny thing about stumbling across that DARVO thing explained; I recognized it in my own wife immediately, but modified it to DOA (Denial -> Outrage -> Attack). That was her MO for over thirty years and she'd absolutely convinced me that she was tempestuous, bombastic, and incendiary enough to burn it all down. Didn't know how to combat it and didn't want my two boys to lose a two parent home, so I endured. No more... NO.FUCKING.WAY

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 57   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8699482
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 12:02 AM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

As more time goes by the angrier I get that I missed some of the most basic signs of cheating. Behavior that I’ve read about or was somewhat aware were tell tell signs of infidelity.

When I was planning my backpacking trip to Europe, I read travel books, blogs, articles, and made myself aware of not only the wonders of the continent, but also the dangers. Pick pockets and con artist were everywhere, just waiting to take the few dollars I had managed to save for this trip. So I took every precaution, read every government press release and travel warning on the latest scams particular to each country. I even bought a money belt and a muggers wallet... I was going into a potentially hostile environment and I wanted to be prepared for every possibility. No one was going to take advantage of me!

Marriage isn't like that. We don't marry a thief or a mugger or even a con artist. We marry a partner who stitches their future narrative to ours and pledges themselves to us.they have our back and we have theirs. So, as faithful partners, I think we can forgive ourselves for missing the signs and trusting the one person who ought to have been trustworthy.

Sadly,now that woe have been mugged, robbed, and conned, we are changed at a quantum level, wiser, but jaded in many ways. We might not get mugged again, but we won't be able to enjoy the trip with the same wonder and innocence we once had.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1135   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8699491
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 12:13 AM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

but we won't be able to enjoy the trip with the same wonder and innocence we once had.

Which is why I'm now a fan of the "staycation" of single life.

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 57   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8699492
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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 5:06 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

Wiseoldfool thank you for such kind and encouraging words. I do hope I can forgive myself for not reacting fast enough. Not seeing what was right in front of my face. I really did believe my spouse when everything was pointing to cheating. I believed his words not his actions. I realize we see what we want to see until we don’t. It’s like I needed to hear the truth from him to believe it

I still don’t know what finally really woke me up. When I told him I was going forward with divorce that’s when all the lies started to unravel. He was never going to come clean. He would’ve taken it to his grave and let me divorce not knowing about the years of deception. That’s another level of hurt. I’m still processing and allowing myself to grieve.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8699525
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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 6:11 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

Repossessed wow thanks for compiling that list of the quotes and knowledge of this thread. This is exactly why I read daily. I learn so much from others that get it and have lived through it.

Denial Outrage Attack is accurate. Because it’s what they do. It’s up to us to get out of it.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8699534
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 10:01 PM on Sunday, November 21st, 2021

Because it’s what they do. It’s up to us to get out of it.

Yep, because they're operating with the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old.

Slight T/J if you don't mind...

A couple of years ago the grandkids stayed with us. My 5 year old granddaughter was sitting at the kitchen table, and this was our conversation:

Her: Grandpa I want (blah, blah, blah).

Me: Sweetie, you can't have that yet because (calmly, thoroughly explained why).

Her: But Grandpa, I want it.

Me: Ummm, Honey, Grandpa just explained that to you.

Her: I know that Grandpa, but I want it.

From the mouth of babes; I was thinking "Oh, for fucks sake, I swear I was just having a conversation with my wife. Except she's a little more sophisticated in that she obfuscates and conceals her intentions a better."

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 57   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8699554
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:12 AM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

I willfully ignored the signs too. Totally. We are human. We trust the ones we love…. And you should be able to. I told so many people that he would never cheat. Never. I was so wrong.

This girl will not make that mistake again. I will follow my gut. Every niggle.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1672   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8699581
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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 4:35 AM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Tallgirl I said the exact same thing. I said he would never cheat to my friends. To my family. To myself. I wonder if we can say that about anyone now? But wouldn’t that be horrible if no one was loyal? I just don’t want to believe that. Someone has to have integrity and self control.

I will also never say that or think that way again. I guess I have to look at it both ways. I know what to look for, I know anyone is capable, and I still believe in integrity. Some people have it while others just don’t. Ugh still feel so stupid saying out loud he would never cheat. Welp he proved me wrong and made a fool out of me.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8699592
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