Is anyone else having a very rough time?
I started my vacation last Friday. DDay was 3.5 months ago and I kept working through everything except TG week when kids and I went on a cruise. WS signed the post nup and has moved back home but I am not feeling any better. Keeping my therapy and it’s been more than a month since I started antidepressants but sleep is still hard. Usually, I balance vacations with cleaning, organizing and entertaining pretty well but anything usual has flown out of window. I am miserable. Most days I get up early with nightmares and then stay in bed till 10ish. I can’t get out of bed. I feel numb if I am lucky. I am sad and angry and hopeless at the same time. I love holidays but this time around, I am so tired of pretending a happy family. I don’t want to be here. I don’t love him. I am miserable and feel hopeless. Does not help that he is incapable of driving any healing so far. Still is in the same job working with AP which is a non starter for me for recon and MC. I keep thinking about last year when I was gullible, clueless and happy around holidays feeling like the happiest family. Knowing the truth sets you free then why is everything so unbearable from looking at Christmas ornaments to traditions to having friends over. I feel so pathetic, lonely and sad. I want this to be over. I don’t want to feel anything. I wish it never happened. Does it get easier with time? I don’t want to be in this position at all.
I am struggling a lot and have tried to internalize it but I can’t seem to get over it. I don’t feel anything for him and I can’t get over how selfish he is. I don’t see him transforming and doing anything worthwhile to make a difference. And frankly, unless he can turn back time, I don’t think anything will ever be good enough. I hate him for doing this to me. I wish cheating was a crime and people had consequences. I wish he had murdered me instead of putting me in this role. Today I was driving and I kept hoping that someone just kills me in a road accident. Pain is unbearable and why do I judge myself for picking this character to be my husband. I am drowning.
15 comments posted: Saturday, December 25th, 2021
If things are tough today….
I think most of you know my story. In some ways, a perfect life outwardly and on Sept 11th, it all unraveled like a bad dream. Caught my husband in a long distance physical and emotional affair with his direct. A lot of trickle truthing and gaslighting, him getting kicked out after lying and more lying despite asking for forgiveness and assurance of transparency to him.
Thanks to some of you( you know who you are), I was able to draw my boundaries and ask for either divorce or put his trust at stake by splitting the assets inequitably towards me. He moved back in and kids are happy.
I on the other hand am on antidepressants and weekly IC. He has lied, cheated and above average smart so I am on constant guard, terrified, sad, depressed that despite high standards, my life has turned out to living with a person like this. I can’t trust him, forget the friendship or romantic life. R will not start until I complete my 6 months of IC and he finds another job as he still works with this woman. And I don’t want to put myself at risk at all in these circumstances. Outwardly he may be doing all the right things or just going through the motions but my body, my heart has just taken a hit. I have turned into this numb, vacant person who has very little faith in the world and herself.
But it changes today as I publicly make a promise and commitment to all of you and myself. I saw this wonderful documentary called Heal on prime. I highly recommend it to all of us who are betrayed. The tragedy of infidelity is that it creates innocent victims and I realized while watching this show that I have a lot to thank for
1) two of my new neighbors, who became my support systems and listened to me whenever I needed them without passing judgement. Helped me with kids pick up and drop off and were just there.
2) this forum that helped me and became my family
3) my wonderful private message friends who were there for me despite their busy lives and held my hands as they believed in me even when they had never met me and I had no belief in myself
4) my amazing kids who suddenly grew up and now give me hugs without counting and make me proud with their strong moral code
5) my amazing work team that despite my forgetfulness, emotional state, they carried on and I closed the year strong not being a failure or a victim
6) my therapist who should not be helping me due to work limitations but is always there for me
7) God who steered me to meditation 18 months ago and gave me a medium to destress
Am I healed and there? Absolutely not. Have I forgiven myself for marrying someone who did bad things to me and betrayed me? Not yet but all I learnt today from this documentary is if I hold on to this stress, this fear and this sadness, all I will do is lose my kids, die and not be there for them. This will not be the true revenge.
The true and legendary tale is to come out to this, rest and repair and acknowledge when paralyzed but believe that one day I will heal and do everything possible including deal with my emotions heads on to get better. I must and you must. And that is why this forum exists. To get us to bounce back and I am finally getting the message trust universe sent me through all these wonderful things.
Check out this documentary and let’s get hopeful for our sake as this is the only way to win this.
Thank you 🙏 to all of you. You don’t get to leave me yet. I must get better and pay it forward.
5 comments posted: Thursday, December 16th, 2021
married for 16 years and two teens. My life came crashing down on me on 9/11 when a picture popped up on husband's phone and he hid it hurriedly in the car. I asked to see it and his entire demeanor changed and I knew. I asked him point blank if he was cheating on me and he denied but started deleting things on his phone in a hurry. By the time, we got home the phone was cleaned but I wont give up. he tried to box it as porn addiction but my gut knew better. Asked him to take the phone to forensics people and all they could find was a thumbnail pic of a girl flashing. Ashamed to say that the entire week was horrible truth trickling, more lying and at one point me throwing my phone at him (he actually called the cops on me and then told them to log the call and not come). Till then, I did not know how low he had gone.
I never had any reason to suspect anything before and I never knew his passwords or bills or anything. Both earning and financially secure upper middle class people with wonderful marriage this far.
After much more prodding, threats and some more lying he finally confessed that he had slept with a colleague on a business trip and then started an affair with her for past 18 months. He had no plans to end it. In the past year, I had sensed distance, asked him point blank if something is up and he had ignored me. All my attempts to hang out, get closer were shunned or were excused with I am busy. Now the woman works for him and they have been at it for 18 months. Ashamed to say that my kids saw everything and were involved.
Where am I now?
1) He tells me that he was very cautious hence forensics could not find anymore. He talked to her on WA and Telegram and cleaned every night (by the way, if anyone knows how to restore this, I want to know the details of these chats). He paid cash and bought her gifts on Visa GC.
2) I called the lady and told her to tell her husband or i will call. Her DH called my husband and begged for details and he was not forthcoming. on this Sunday, finally my husband told me everything (at least the part about sex and all) and I made him call the OW's husband and confess. OW had only admitted to flirting.
3) My DH is showing remorse but I am not in a position to trust anything. I am dying of hurt and go between anger, grief and everything else.
4) He has shared all his social media and financial information and accounts( did I tell you he is sharp with hiding though). We have agreed on a post nup( I get everything except his retirements if he cheats again). He has agreed to have a spyware on all computers ( can someone recommend one please). I have the humility to know that he can still cheat.
5) He wants to be with me and confesses that he did it out of attention and sex ( we do have a very poor sex deprived marriage due to me and he has complained about it for years. It hurts me physically during and after sex and I have been to doctors). He also has said to her husband in front of me that he would never leave me and he loves me ( I have clarified to him that he neither loved or respected me so he should not use these words) and he will spend rest of his life fixing it and atoning for it. I have warned him that he does not know what he is saying right now.
6) Both of us have agreed to do independent therapy- I for having to deal with this and he to understand why he did it
7) I have enough self esteem to know that I did not cause this and he alone is accountable so I have no guilt in this
Now to the issue- My kids have a few friends whose parents cheated and made it together. That kid was lost until the parents reconciled and both my kids have declared that we need to make up as 1) they dont want to have step siblings (a bitter experience from another friend's life) 2) and figure out how to live in the same home.
My thoughts- I feel lost and may be using all these to reconcile with him. It is convenient. We are so matched in all other things and this is his first betrayal. I know it to be true based on his last year's behavior. I cant handle kids high school years, drives, household and a very stressful job without his help. We are a brilliant team otherwise and I do care for him. Him being at home but in guest room( he is ok living there forever but like I said we dont know what we dont know) brings normalcy to our week long nuked home. I dont want my kids to not go to the right college and careers because he sucked at marriage so I am ok pretending till they are out (4/5 years)
But I dont trust him at all. He kept swearing to kids each night that he never cheated on me and I was crazy but little by little things came out. He was so cautious about this affair so he knew what he did was wrong.
I am so lost and all I know is I need to give it time and understand my options. I wanted to punish him but no more. I am punishing the father of my kids. We are talking a lot and he is answering my questions and supporting me. He is applying for a different job but it will take a month or two. He has cancelled all his 1:1 with her adn agreed that I can sit away from camera but listen to the last review he has to do for her. Now again if he is talking to her on office zoom, I will be none the wiser.
so what am I doing wrong and what else can I do?
we are each other's security blanket and I am telling him that I will let him live with us but there is no guarantee of reconciliation. We can go on like this for five years and then decide. Am i naive and foolish.
Thank you for reading it.
37 comments posted: Thursday, September 23rd, 2021
notasaint - can you PM me please?
1 comment posted: Tuesday, September 21st, 2021