Newest Member: ibelieveinspring

General :
So angry I ignored the signs

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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 4:41 AM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Repossessed yup that explains a lot of it. So much immaturity. The failure to think before they act. The failure to look at the consequences before making such a life changing heinous decision. Instant gratification is the name of the game. Then many can’t get it together to fix the lives they destroyed. Unbelievable.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8699593
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:00 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

you are in good company! I expect most of us here.

I still feel suckered.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1672   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8699724
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 4:13 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

PurpleReign, one thing I now realize more than ever is that is who my deceased WH was. From day one. I failed to want to accept the truth and instead chose to ignore the obvious, even when the obvious was right in front of me.

He was my husband and I wanted to believe he was the husband who would never cheat on me. But he did on multiple occasions. He also was an addict. And dispite everything I still wanted to believe he could change.

Now that he is gone and I've had time to process everything, and although he tried, it would have never been enough to make me feel safe ever again.

Our marriage was forever damaged because his behavior was so deeply ingrained and I don't think he could stop for many reasons. The high was too great for him to conquer on his own. And guilt and shame held him hostage.

I needed a miracle for him to become a good husband. Not to make excuses but I also believe that childhood trauma, physical abuse, his father being an alcoholic and womanizer probably didn't help the situation.

I think my biggest healing will come when I can forgive myself for ignoring the warning signs and also accept that my DWH had pretty serious mental issues. This is when my true healing will begin. I'm not quite there yet but believe in time I will come to better acceptance.

I'm sorry you also have had to go through this.

posts: 740   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8699738
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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 4:33 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Hurtmyheart that’s exactly it. It’s so hard to accept that we’re seeing who our spouse really is. The mask complete slips when infidelity happens. When I look back at the first DDay, which now I need to update my info, I was numb. I recall being angry and infuriated. But I didn’t follow up. I trusted he would break it off. Like really trusted he would do that of his own accord. I trusted his word. He also lied to me that day too. He didn’t tell me he had been cheating since November of 2018. So I didn’t have all the info. I was still being deceived.


I know now I should’ve kicked him out that day. That’s what the normal me would have done. I’ve learned so much since that day. First that you never ever trust a wayward to just end an affair and don’t follow up. You get the password to their phone. I didn’t make sure that he wrote a it’s over letter/text in front of me. But by the second Dday 9 months later I did everything right.

It was my blind and complete trust that he would do the right thing. I didn’t want to believe he would be so damn stupid but he was. Now it’s cost him his marriage. I always tell him I hope cheating was worth everything you had. I will never ever respond the way I did the first Dday again.

I know it will take time to heal. I’m so grateful for responses like yours and every member that took the time to talk to me. It’s helping me do some much needed healing.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8699918
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:51 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

It's kind of surprising but I'm not. That we've been divorced for over 10 years is a factor, but mostly I was raised to believe in to have and to hold to death do us part. There were plenty of signs in the last year that I missed or ignored. Truthfully her Narc tendencies became apparent enough in the lead up to our wedding that in retrospect I should have bailed. In the end I needed that time to be able to walk away knowing I did everything I could to make it work. That I didn't fail. That I went above and beyond, and in the end this was all on her.

posts: 831   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8699959
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 3:40 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

I think my biggest healing will come when I can forgive myself for ignoring the warning signs and also accept that my DWH had pretty serious mental issues.

This ^^^... Forgiving yourself... You can't physically relive the past again and correct/re-do. Though, your mind is still there bringing past to the present re those events, but still, nothing can be done to fix them. What was, was. Questions are: what lessons did we learn? Who are we today after going thru this experience?

As for mental issues, infidelity is an addiction and also shows an inability to Love (in many cases, not all, though). Rarely any addiction is enacted on its own, usually, there are at least 2 addictions. Add the character traits and morals, and this mixture can explode at any time.

However, we, as their spouses can NOT change them. I no longer believe in excuses for FOO issues(we had a discussion about this issue just yesterday). There is a free will and Healthy ADULTS should be able to make proper choices, make decisions, etc. FOO excuse leaves them in the childhood state of mind inside the adult body.

PurpleRiegn, absolutely, YOU didn't fail!

Healing to you, PurpleReign!

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 4:19 PM, Wednesday, November 24th]

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 112   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8699967
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 PurpleReign (original poster member #75083) posted at 10:43 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Grubs I totally hear where you’re coming from. I clearly see the character flaws and sadly they were always there. My WH had already betrayed me in several different ways. Yes the narcissism had always been there. I’m moving to a stage of acceptance as well. This is just who he is.

I think WS’s that can truly do the work are willing and able to make that change. The others like my stbx, can’t develop the empathy it takes to fix something so deeply painful. They’re just fine with the status quo. They’re fine with rug sweeping, pointing the finger at their spouse, and just plain not having any self reflection. It also takes a lot of maturity. If they had that would they have cheated at all? It just becomes a huge clusterfck.

I’m choosing to get off the crazy train. I’m choosing myself now. Thanks for sharing your journey.

"Don’t get even get everything" Ivana

posts: 90   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8700112
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