I wrote once on this thread and now when I go back and read it again, I see that I didn't need to change a single word. In your response you perceived what I wrote as a lack of empathy towards you and ignoring your pain. Some perceived it as misogyny. None of them were true, but frankly, I didn't feel the need to argue with them, I just wanted to show you the objective truth. It was up to you to evaluate it or not.
Now I see that things are not going well and everyone is attacking your husband in the most severe way, excluding what you had done to him, or in the most optimistic case, adding the phrase "whatever you had done".
What they have minimized and even ignored is the cause of all that has happened. This is A fact. No matter what they say about your husband, no one can change that.
Let me tell you what objectivity is.
If only your husband, not you, had come here right after DDay and told his story, assuming you didn't do what a typical cheater would do and told him all the truth, still everyone here would have told him to run.
If he had come now and not right after DDay and he told his story and said, "my wife is remorseful and doing the right things, but I still can't get over it, she slept with 5 men and was ready to leave me for someone who is married and has kids, she broke something inside me and I can't feel the same anymore no matter what she does. And now there is someone who loves and desires me as I am, and I fell in love with her too", no one would tell him that he did wrong because he left you. Everyone would say if it is a deal breaker it is a deal breaker, he doesn't stay married to you just because you are remorseful and doing the right things. None of these insults were to be made. He just would simply advised to be careful about his new relationship.
The only difference here is the subject. And change of the subject should not change the object so much for the outsider. We should look at everything as it is.
Looking at the events objectively and realistically ensures that the solution is also realistic. Has others continued insults about your H changed the result, helped you get what you wanted?
As for what you should do now; accept everything as it is.
Stop making excuses that start with "I am remorseful and did everything right, but he...".
And stop crying and begging, you won't get anything that way. Respect yourself.
You should calmly tell him that you are aware of the horror of what you have done to him, but that after realizing it you tried to do everything right, and that you understand that it was not enough, and that this is one of the possible consequences and you haven't rigt to ask him to stay. Reassure him of a fair and hassle-free divorce (that doesn't mean accept whatever he wants), tell him you're sure he will be fair too. After that, say that you hope to cooperate for your childrens best.
Don't say things like you're always ready if he wants to come back. Act like someone who has self respect and also respect for him. You should earn his respect with these actions. It's not possible for you to turn him back on his decision right now. But it seems that the OW isn't the right one either. You are not the right person to show him this. Either someone else has to show it or he will see it by experiencing. When the fog clears and he returns the reality he may remember your mature and respectful attitude during this period. Then if he wants to return, you will evaluate the situation.
These may not happen, but it won't happen otherwise either. It doesn't even have to be. What you did to him, what he did to you, perhaps irreversibly destroyed this relationship. If we think optimistically, perhaps a more honest and loyal relationship will be established where both sides are equally damaged and healed.
[This message edited by guvensiz at 12:29 PM, Wednesday, November 17th]