I’m so very sorry to read about this double betrayal.
This happens early once infidelity is discovered, we become our own worst enemies and instead of finding solutions we only see the worst. You are creating your own obstacles which is keeping you stuck.
Since you’re a farmer you know you can rent paddocks and barns, move your stock there, sign a short term contract. Alternatively reach out to fellow farmers and see who has space for cheap to rent until you can sell your stock or find somewhere more permanent. If you don’t want to move stock contact your local sale yard and see what auction prices are like and bulk sell to start new. My xSIL lost her farm during the last bad drought and I learnt that everything is sellable when it comes to farms. Worse case scenario is sell it all, start small again somewhere safe. Neighbors and fellow farmers are very helpful if you tell them you’re in need.
Consult a lawyer, after X amount of months/years living with someone you are entitled to things, you will not know what these are until talking to them however. Google and things people tell you are of little use since these "de facto" laws do chop and change. you don’t just want to walk away without knowing.
Seperate to think, you need to detach & distance from both and assess before you act, sounds like this is being rug swept by both and there is no indication it’s going to stop (from what you’ve said.)
18yr old is legally independent age, knew what was going on and sounds like they will not stop. Is not reciprocating the family bond at all. You may see her as a daughter but she has not returned the bond in kind. She needs a new place to stay while you work it out with partner, she is old enough to work & pay rent somewhere. Sadly if your partner refuses it may be a you or her moment, for the time being, you could contact a friend who has room to rent and she can temporarily stay there. Inform friends of situation and ask for a temporary room if she can’t pay rent yet but if she is old enough to sleep with married men she is old enough to enter the work force. She needs therapy too, she hasn’t been a kid for sometime and is old enough to confront what she did and take ownership, a therapist will help them it is not OK to allow her to think this is a forgive and forget situation. Down the track you both may want to see a family therapist to rebuild your relationship but, I say this as gently as possible, I doubt she will as I fear she just saw you more as a provider than a parent, her actions certainly suggest as much.
As for wayward partner, if he was remorseful I would not cross out reconciliation but you don’t have that, you have no guilt no remorse no empathy and a likelihood this will continue. I wouldn’t even trust a written timeline here because it’s harder to get the truth from double betrayals like this since they have had ample time before and after Dday to work out their stories.
He needs therapy regardless if you R or not, not only because of the trauma inflicted on you but because he had sex with his daughter (biological or not he was the father figure and he is deeply broken to be ok with making it sexual.) If he cannot see the massive implications and damage of that along side the trauma caused to you he will always be an unsafe partner, even if you leave he will remain unsafe for each relationship moving forward.
He doesn’t get away with it if you tell family and friends, don’t protect their affair by staying quiet, you need support to help you, your daughter needs support to help her and your partner needs to face the consequences of his actions. the Other benefit of telling others about the affair is it extinguishes the relationship really fast, no cheater likes their fantasy bubble popped and by popping their bubble they pull their heads out of their asses and the affair often ends.
Write down what you need to do to break away, and work your way through it. It’s natural to create our own fear barriers, my own kept me with a cheater for over a decade, but the only way to heal from infidelity is to make sure it’s not in your life hurting you anymore and right now if you stay you’re putting yourself at risk of having it in your life.
once you’ve taken care of the farm start telling people. If you need to read something right now head over to the healing library and read through all the articles.
As for managing the shock drink plenty of water because your body and brain dehydrate faster when in shock and this will prevent you making sound decisions. Avoid alcohol for the same reasons. If you’re not eating by a meal replacement shake and try to distance yourself from both cheating parties while you work out what’s best for you. Remember cheaters lie, right now don’t listen to either party without that in mind, look at actions and judge those. If you need to purge negative hateful thoughts write it down and throw it away.
[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 6:50 AM, Thursday, October 7th]