Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
Caught WS with our 18yo adopted daughter.


Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 10:52 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

He wants the sex and she wants a father. It’s a trade off. Each one thinks they’re getting what they need. It’s a sick situation and the faster you are out of it the better. Right now you do need to talk to an attorney. Even if everything is in his name you put money in it so you need some help sorting that out.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8692050

13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 11:02 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Huge virtual hugs. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.

Is it possible for you to leave the care of the animals to them and get out of there for a little while?

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 547   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8692051

Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 11:05 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

They're both "sorry" and basically hoping I'll just get over it.

This says it all, tbh. Your husband's a predator and either your adopted daughter doesn't know the full extent of what she's done and may need professional help, or she doesn't care.

Sorry you had to find out like this, OP. I'd say take some time for yourself to process things and limit contact with them, and get a consultation with an attorney.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 11:09 PM, Thursday, October 7th]

posts: 272   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8692052

ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 12:30 AM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

I think the only thing you can do is decide what's important to you and what isn't. Personally, I could never forgive either one of these people, and in particular, your predator WH. The 18 year-old isn't blameless though. Sure, it's easier to make poor decisions when one's prefrontal cortex hasn't fully matured, but it doesn't take much nuance to know that it's WRONG to blow your adopted mother's husband.

I know you have a lot to lose, so with that in mind, I would NOT leave the home before speaking to an attorney, which I would do as soon as humanly possible. In the interim, I wouldn't have contact with either one of these yahoos. I'd ignore them as completely as possible and to whatever extent they made that difficult, I'd tell them to leave me alone or I'd call the cops and MAKE them leave me alone. Don't speak to either one. Don't look at them. Don't allow them to look at you.

Get in with a good attorney so they can get you out of this. I'd keep my powder dry on exposure for now. You might be able to negotiate more in settlement by threatening to go public. Let your lawyer handle that part though. S/he will be able to make the meaning clear without actually extorting them.

You are at ZERO obligation to EVER forgive either one of these people, and personally, I wouldn't. There's NOTHING that makes me madder than old fuckers perving on teenagers. Some things are just unforgivable.

posts: 4569   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8692061

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 3:15 AM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

4) Im fairly confident she was 18 when it happened the first time. She actually came to me, happy, and said she lost her virginity to a guy named "Jay" last night. (It failed to register that J is the first letter of WS' name) and we went together to get her birth control once she was sexually active, like i promised her I would. Bought her ice cream afterwards. I thought we were bonding.

So maybe he waited until she was 18 to have PIV sex. But cheaters lie and she's likely not being completely honest either given what's happening. It's highly likely that they started doing other stuff before she turned 18.

As for how to get through this, can you get into IC as soon as you're able to make some phone calls? And lawyer, lawyer, lawyer. Can you get away and stay with a friend or family member for a few days? Someone you can trust with the truth?

posts: 5011   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8692065

Pandora16 ( member #56906) posted at 3:18 AM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Isn’t your husband a serial cheater and that’s what originally brought you here? This might be a huge wake up call for you by showing you very clearly who he truly is and not who you want him to be.

Wishing you a better future…

D-Day #1 12/8/16 (ILYBINILWY), D-Day #2 12/17/16 (admitted to affair)

Divorced: 10/24/17
Married 20 years, together 24, 1 young adult son

posts: 252   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8692066

rambler ( member #43747) posted at 5:03 AM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

See an attorney then get some therapy.

making it through

posts: 1260   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8692073

Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:13 AM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Anybody that has been around SI for a year or so should know I can be blunt and pragmatic.
Your last post clarified the position significantly – but there are still some questions:

For one it does sound like nothing illegal happened. This is big and you definitely want to confirm this with an attorney. Immoral yes – illegal no.
-She was 18 at time of first physical contact (unless you can prove something else)
-She is not his daughter in any legal sense of that word.

I think you need to look at the legality and the commitment of the "adoption". I am about 99% certain it’s never formally completed unless a judge signs on the dotted line. You can’t just sign off your kids as if you were giving a car. This is big in how LEGALLY you could move on. This sounds more like some foster arrangement, and they generally automatically void at the age of 18. This can heavily impact legal consequences and your next steps so look into that.

I think you also need to keep in mind the OW is 18. Most of us thought we knew it all at 18 and legally we are "free". We no longer are obliged to follow our parents wishes, but on the flip-side the parents are no longer obligated by law to tend to our needs. The document you signed probably addressed things like who could decide on medical treatment, school selection and such. Things a 15 year old can’t decide on her own, but an 18 year old can. Those papers are probably as useless as the old deed you still have for a Ford you put in the crusher in 1993.

Now – Left your ex in 2015 and didn’t date for some time… You have anything between 3 and 5 years invested in THIS relationship with THIS man. Frankly… that’s not a lot.
No kids together. Probably no possessions together. You might be paying, but I’m guessing debts and assets are in his name…

It’s time to get out.

Not only because of his actions. I am big on people being able to change behaviors and make amends. The main reasons I suggest you get out are two: The simple fact he should target a young woman that is in the house as a family member is an extreme red flag to me. Like extreme… It shows such a low ethical bar, such lack of any control or morals. I’m guessing he waited for her to be 18 to be "legal" (a clear indicator of him knowing the risk), but there was probably some grooming, fondling, and petting before that. Not that it matters… the fact he decided to have an affair with someone THIS close in the family is a big big big red flag.

Combine that with the reaction. How he minimizes it. How he dumps her to get back on the right side. How he tries to make you the better oral-sex partner… Whatever. There is no ethical remorse – only remorse for getting caught.
Twenty years from now if your son has a daughter… feel safe with your grandkid spending time with "gramps"? Feel OK when your daughter and partner aren’t in the house the same time? Is there really ANY WAY you can prevent him from his role as sex educator for what you assumed was your daughter?

The advice to seek legal counsel still holds true.

You need to know what you can take out of this relationship debt/asset. What did the ceremony you two did lead to? Was his name on the "adoption" documentation?
Maybe even what you could leverage out of this. Or even simply how you can minimize your cost. But IMHO you inevitably need out. I do not see any way this can be fixed.

You also need clarification on the adoption issue. I fear (and even hope…) this isn’t a formal and legal adoption. Why does this matter? Well… she is 18 and when you leave she can – if she chooses to – attend the School of Oral Sex courses taught by Professor Douche Bag full-time. You need to understand your relationship with this woman (and let’s call her that since she is 18). If you are really her adopted mother in the eyes of law she might have rights you don’t want her to have and rights that might affect your biological son’s rights. Things like power of attorney in medical issues, rights to inheritance and such.

I’m not suggesting you simply terminate your mother/daughter relationship. I’m not that cold and callous. But IF she decides to remain with your ex… and as a "grown up" she CAN decide that – then that’s going to cause a very dysfunctional mother/daughter relationship. One that could possibly be easier to handle if your role turns out to be foster-mother rather than legal-mother.
I want to emphasize this factor: I see her more victim than vixen, but that doesn’t change the fact that if SHE chooses to remain with your (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend there isn’t anything you can do to stop that. The only thing you can control is if you decide to remain in this toxic environment and if you allow her to get out of it with you – if that’s what she wants.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9900   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8692082

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:00 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Bigger respectfully this woman who is barely legal was abused. She was preyed on by a sick individual.

She may have been groomed into this for some time and thinks she consented and agreed. It may take her some time to realize how she was manipulated. This POS "guy" may have waited until she was 18 to engage in a sexual relationship.

In any event he’s a pig. Period. He took advantage of a young girl.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10687   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8692085

Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 12:12 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021


I don't really get what you are commenting on. What's unclear about this:

I want to emphasize this factor: I see her more victim than vixen,

There is no denying that if the young woman is +18 she can't be forced to do anything - even if we can all see it's for her best. Unfortunately it's also true that if the predator (and that's how I see him) is not documented as her foster or adoptive father AND if OP and predator are not in a registered relationship then there is nothing illegal in his actions.

I evaluate my above advice as basically the necessary steps the OP needs to take, and if the young woman wants to follow then great. All the better. But this is like in the airplanes where the adult needs to place the oxygen mask first before helping others.

edited to add:
Or what's unclear in this:

The main reasons I suggest you get out are two: The simple fact he should target a young woman that is in the house as a family member is an extreme red flag to me. Like extreme… It shows such a low ethical bar, such lack of any control or morals. I’m guessing he waited for her to be 18 to be "legal" (a clear indicator of him knowing the risk), but there was probably some grooming, fondling, and petting before that. Not that it matters… the fact he decided to have an affair with someone THIS close in the family is a big big big red flag.

[This message edited by Bigger at 1:04 PM, Friday, October 8th]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9900   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8692089

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:28 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

In your shoes, I'd want clarification on incest laws in cases of adopted children.

I apologize even for mentioning this, but it may be important.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26130   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8692227

13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 4:31 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

It's not incest, though. He didn't adopt her. Blue isn't married to him. 18yo is at or above the age of consent. He's a disgusting predator, no doubt, but I don't think he did anything illegal.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 547   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8692229

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 5:35 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Two things that stand out:

(1) EllieKMAS is right--I get why it's hard to barely function. This is huge...especially dealing with a troubled teenager. Like she said, don't beat yourself up.

(2) That aside, I can't stress how important it is to get legal consultation immediately. I mean, the next step besides eating and drinking is to find out your legal ramifications. Every moment that you are in this environment is torture on your emotional health; the sooner that you learn how to extricate yourself(and possibly your daughter if you wish), the better. Your legal/financial reality may be better than you realize; it may be worse. But that doesn't change any of the facts. You need to get away from this current dynamic. For your own health.

2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3830   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8692250

Belle25 ( new member #63676) posted at 5:48 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your story feels especially heinous and I wish you comfort and peace.

I'm wondering, and I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive or ignorant, but is your daughter considered a neurotypical person? Does she have any background of autism or aspergers? I'm asking because I am trying to wrap my brain around the fact that she went to you to brag about losing her virginity to your husband. That's either incredibly cruel and manipulative, or truly clueless about acceptable social standards. I DO agree that she is a victim and was groomed, but she is also pretty far down this path with him, and I don't know what salvaging any kind of relationship with her looks like for you.

This is a really complex double betrayal. Although it doesn't appear that your partner broke any laws, he is obviously very disturbed and sick person. I'm glad you realize this. Hugs.

posts: 33   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2018
id 8692253

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 6:50 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

You need to talk to an attorney who can help you navigate through this mess. You need someone to lean on and provide support. Is there family or a close friend that can provide support? Therapy is a must with someone versed in such trauma.

It looks like you are not legally married or the legal parent of your "daughter," though that point is moot at this time. Clearly, you must ultimately totally disengage from your partner. The same goes for your "daughter." She is a very damaged individual that you graciously agreed to assume responsibility for through a written agreement between yourself and her actual parents. I would think that an adoption cannot be consummated without the approval of the court. But she is no longer a child, so that issue is moot. She needs intensive and extensive therapy. Whether you wish to keep her in your life is your call, but it won't be easy. Her formative years sound bad. Your four years of nurturing obviously made little impact on her regarding boundaries. She may be irretrievably damaged.

posts: 430   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8692263

HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 10:54 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Just wanted to say, what you saw is the kind of thing that leaves you with PTSD. The sort of thing that hangs around in your head for years. Whatever, you do, don’t attempt to minimize it to yourself or let them try to minimize it either. Knowing it happened is bad, but seeing it is another level of pain. And you saw it.

Sending strength!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2728   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8692576

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:00 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Fellow SIers... please let's not get so deep into the woods debating about legality and blame that we forget who we're supposed to be giving advice to. It's really easy for this type of thread to get derailed because of the nature of the topic. Blue has been really specific about the advice that she is looking for and I hope she sticks with us because she will need it.

1. Get a hold of your daughter's phone and computer and get it scoured a forensic IT expert. If there's any evidence of grooming or a sexual relationship before she turned 18, you will want to provide that information to the police.

2. Talk to a lawyer and determine what legal rights you have, if any. Do you live in Colorado, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, New Hampshire, Texas, or Utah? These states all recognize common law marriage. I'm not sure what the requirements are (length of the relationship, etc), but if you had a commitment ceremony that was witnessed by others, if you presented yourself as married publically, filed taxes jointly, etc. you might have some standing to have your relationship recognized by the state, even if it's a long shot. A lawyer could help you find out for sure.

Do you live in Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Hawaii, or Idaho? These states recognize palimony for unwed spouses who had an agreement (verbal or otherwise) to treat assets like community property or promised lifetime support. I think that the fact you had a commitment ceremony certainly bolsters this. Again, a lawyer can help you find out what your rights are for sure.

If the former are not viable options, find out what rights, if any, you have as your partner's employee.

3. If you can't get anything from him in court, see if it would be possible to negotiate a deal with him for support for a limited period of time (say 6 months of living expenses while you get on your feet). Yes, this might feel like making a deal with the devil, but if you can appeal to his sense of not wanting to feel like the bad guy, maybe you can manipulate him into thinking that you would consider reconciling with him if he was willing to do this. Is it duplicitous? Sure, but you can't deal with dishonest people honestly.

4. Find a support group for women in your situation. I just did a search online and found Mothers of Sexually Abused Children. Also RAINN has groups for parents, friends, and family members of survivors. I know that you think this doesn't apply to you, but given that you were the guardian of a vulnerable person who was abused, I think you need support and insights from other people who could relate to your situation.

5. Confide in 1 or 2 people who you can trust to be discreet and nonjudgmental. You can't bottle this up and go through this alone but at the same you don't necessarily want everyone in your business nor is it helpful to have so much conflicting information that it confuses you.

6. Get out of the house for at least a week and have time for yourself, particularly as you are looking into your legal options and need privacy. If you need to, lie to your partner and tell him you just need some time and space to cool off. Maybe he will be "gracious enough" to rent you a hotel room or AirBnB, particularly if he thinks it will buy him time to win you back.

7. Research therapists that specialize in domestic violence and sexual abuse. Again, you don't think that this is your situation, but you need a counselor who is specifically trained in these issues to help you navigate this emotional tsunami.

8. Take each day hour by hour, minute by minute. Try to avoid ruminating about the future, just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. This will not kill you, even it feels like you could.

9. Last but not least, don't stop posting. You might not always get advice you like, you might see conversations veer off topic, but we all care and we're all here for you!

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:01 PM, Monday, October 11th]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 490   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8692635

csaiht ( member #77335) posted at 7:00 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I am so sorry you're going through this.

What I really need from you, the reader, is how to mitigate the shock so I can find the strength to make healthy decisions for myself, because right now i still havent left the bed other than to go pee once.

One thing I found super helpful early on was the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Tracy Schorn. I downloaded it on my phone & just laid in bed & read. It's full of encouragement, straight-talk, & helpful info.

Be gentle with yourself if you can't do anything right now; this is a huge trauma. Important things are eat, drink, sleep. Get medication from the doctor if you can't sleep (I hardly got any sleep the first week; medication was SO helpful).

Since you aren't married, I don't know if you need a lawyer, but it couldn't hurt to book some free consultations with several and see what they say.

Get out of there if you can. Go stay with someone else if you have that option, even if it's for a week.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8693275

GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 10:53 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I say you start calling him Woody Allen every time you interact with him for no other reason than to piss him off.

posts: 2646   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8693283

Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 10:58 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Going through all the replies I think my initial comment might hit the mark:

This is probably way beyond our pay-grade…

Other than that then please note that although there might be some variance in nearly all the replies regarding initial steps and where to focus there is ONE THING IN COMMON:

Consult with an attorney.

If that is the one single thing you get from this thread then I guarantee you will be in a better place once you follow that advice.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9900   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8693284
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