Fellow SIers... please let's not get so deep into the woods debating about legality and blame that we forget who we're supposed to be giving advice to. It's really easy for this type of thread to get derailed because of the nature of the topic. Blue has been really specific about the advice that she is looking for and I hope she sticks with us because she will need it.
1. Get a hold of your daughter's phone and computer and get it scoured a forensic IT expert. If there's any evidence of grooming or a sexual relationship before she turned 18, you will want to provide that information to the police.
2. Talk to a lawyer and determine what legal rights you have, if any. Do you live in Colorado, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, New Hampshire, Texas, or Utah? These states all recognize common law marriage. I'm not sure what the requirements are (length of the relationship, etc), but if you had a commitment ceremony that was witnessed by others, if you presented yourself as married publically, filed taxes jointly, etc. you might have some standing to have your relationship recognized by the state, even if it's a long shot. A lawyer could help you find out for sure.
Do you live in Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Hawaii, or Idaho? These states recognize palimony for unwed spouses who had an agreement (verbal or otherwise) to treat assets like community property or promised lifetime support. I think that the fact you had a commitment ceremony certainly bolsters this. Again, a lawyer can help you find out what your rights are for sure.
If the former are not viable options, find out what rights, if any, you have as your partner's employee.
3. If you can't get anything from him in court, see if it would be possible to negotiate a deal with him for support for a limited period of time (say 6 months of living expenses while you get on your feet). Yes, this might feel like making a deal with the devil, but if you can appeal to his sense of not wanting to feel like the bad guy, maybe you can manipulate him into thinking that you would consider reconciling with him if he was willing to do this. Is it duplicitous? Sure, but you can't deal with dishonest people honestly.
4. Find a support group for women in your situation. I just did a search online and found Mothers of Sexually Abused Children. Also RAINN has groups for parents, friends, and family members of survivors. I know that you think this doesn't apply to you, but given that you were the guardian of a vulnerable person who was abused, I think you need support and insights from other people who could relate to your situation.
5. Confide in 1 or 2 people who you can trust to be discreet and nonjudgmental. You can't bottle this up and go through this alone but at the same you don't necessarily want everyone in your business nor is it helpful to have so much conflicting information that it confuses you.
6. Get out of the house for at least a week and have time for yourself, particularly as you are looking into your legal options and need privacy. If you need to, lie to your partner and tell him you just need some time and space to cool off. Maybe he will be "gracious enough" to rent you a hotel room or AirBnB, particularly if he thinks it will buy him time to win you back.
7. Research therapists that specialize in domestic violence and sexual abuse. Again, you don't think that this is your situation, but you need a counselor who is specifically trained in these issues to help you navigate this emotional tsunami.
8. Take each day hour by hour, minute by minute. Try to avoid ruminating about the future, just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. This will not kill you, even it feels like you could.
9. Last but not least, don't stop posting. You might not always get advice you like, you might see conversations veer off topic, but we all care and we're all here for you!
[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:01 PM, Monday, October 11th]