Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
Caught WS with our 18yo adopted daughter.

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 blondenblueeyed (original poster member #47527) posted at 5:23 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I'm entirely in shock. Like my head is spinning.

I walked out to our storage shed open the doors and see my adopted daughter in the middle of preforming oral sex on my partner.

Back history, we had a coworker that had a 14 year old daughter they were basically abusing. We needed help around the farm so they let her come over and we paid for her help. They were quite neglectful and eventually we adopted her. I lost my daughter so she became my kiddo real quick. Weve been raising her 3-4 years. She's my sons best friend. I even made the mistake of venting to her about our relationship problems. I love her. I dont blame her at all, in fact my first thought was, "is she ok?"

I have some details, that they volunteered after they were flat out caught. She says its 100% consentual, that she asked him to the first time. He says he "explained everything ahead of time" and he "made sure" it was consentual. He took her virginity. On a trampoline. high on weed. While I was out of town vending a trade show. The only work any of us does.

He told me he does things with her, emotional things that he knows ive desperately needed but wouldnt provide- he basically was gushing, but then said that its "just a physical connection, and she's not as good at giving head as me" but that she's "just learning how" barf

They're both "sorry" and basically hoping I'll just get over it.

Im so deep in shock I cant even access the words to explain why its "wrong" for a 32 year old man to fuck your adopted teenage daughter.

As a bonus, house and business are in his name. bank accounts, everything is. Our "family" Business is one of those heavily reputation dependent industries and if this gets out its destroyed. So I cant tell. I farm so my business is dependent upon me having and keeping livestock alive. If i leave i dont have anywhere for the livestock to go or feed them. Im not only moving, im losing my job, my income, everything. My kid will be homeless. everything Ive worked for they will get to keep, and he will get away with it.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Apr. 14th, 2015
id 8691912
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:30 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Research and find the best attorney in your area. Do it now! I’d get 3 consultations. They maybe free.

Do not leave your home and do not tell anyone of your plans.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:33 AM, Thursday, October 7th]

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8691914
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Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 5:59 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

So sorry (what an awful situation for you). You refer to your significant other as "WS" and "partner". Are you married? Also, do you know when their interactions started? (Hopefully not before she was 18) This is an awful betrayal and I don't know if this could be something a person could recover from. Take care of you first and foremost. Don't let this be rugswept. Start looking at all your options in this situation. They both have to realize this behavior is intolerable. This is a double betrayal of the worst kind. Start thinking about what you need to do to get out of this infidelity. You don't deserve this.

posts: 278   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8691916
shocked1

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 6:17 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I’m so very sorry to read about this double betrayal.

This happens early once infidelity is discovered, we become our own worst enemies and instead of finding solutions we only see the worst. You are creating your own obstacles which is keeping you stuck.

Since you’re a farmer you know you can rent paddocks and barns, move your stock there, sign a short term contract. Alternatively reach out to fellow farmers and see who has space for cheap to rent until you can sell your stock or find somewhere more permanent. If you don’t want to move stock contact your local sale yard and see what auction prices are like and bulk sell to start new. My xSIL lost her farm during the last bad drought and I learnt that everything is sellable when it comes to farms. Worse case scenario is sell it all, start small again somewhere safe. Neighbors and fellow farmers are very helpful if you tell them you’re in need.

Consult a lawyer, after X amount of months/years living with someone you are entitled to things, you will not know what these are until talking to them however. Google and things people tell you are of little use since these "de facto" laws do chop and change. you don’t just want to walk away without knowing.

Seperate to think, you need to detach & distance from both and assess before you act, sounds like this is being rug swept by both and there is no indication it’s going to stop (from what you’ve said.)

18yr old is legally independent age, knew what was going on and sounds like they will not stop. Is not reciprocating the family bond at all. You may see her as a daughter but she has not returned the bond in kind. She needs a new place to stay while you work it out with partner, she is old enough to work & pay rent somewhere. Sadly if your partner refuses it may be a you or her moment, for the time being, you could contact a friend who has room to rent and she can temporarily stay there. Inform friends of situation and ask for a temporary room if she can’t pay rent yet but if she is old enough to sleep with married men she is old enough to enter the work force. She needs therapy too, she hasn’t been a kid for sometime and is old enough to confront what she did and take ownership, a therapist will help them it is not OK to allow her to think this is a forgive and forget situation. Down the track you both may want to see a family therapist to rebuild your relationship but, I say this as gently as possible, I doubt she will as I fear she just saw you more as a provider than a parent, her actions certainly suggest as much.

As for wayward partner, if he was remorseful I would not cross out reconciliation but you don’t have that, you have no guilt no remorse no empathy and a likelihood this will continue. I wouldn’t even trust a written timeline here because it’s harder to get the truth from double betrayals like this since they have had ample time before and after Dday to work out their stories.

He needs therapy regardless if you R or not, not only because of the trauma inflicted on you but because he had sex with his daughter (biological or not he was the father figure and he is deeply broken to be ok with making it sexual.) If he cannot see the massive implications and damage of that along side the trauma caused to you he will always be an unsafe partner, even if you leave he will remain unsafe for each relationship moving forward.

He doesn’t get away with it if you tell family and friends, don’t protect their affair by staying quiet, you need support to help you, your daughter needs support to help her and your partner needs to face the consequences of his actions. the Other benefit of telling others about the affair is it extinguishes the relationship really fast, no cheater likes their fantasy bubble popped and by popping their bubble they pull their heads out of their asses and the affair often ends.

Write down what you need to do to break away, and work your way through it. It’s natural to create our own fear barriers, my own kept me with a cheater for over a decade, but the only way to heal from infidelity is to make sure it’s not in your life hurting you anymore and right now if you stay you’re putting yourself at risk of having it in your life.

once you’ve taken care of the farm start telling people. If you need to read something right now head over to the healing library and read through all the articles.

As for managing the shock drink plenty of water because your body and brain dehydrate faster when in shock and this will prevent you making sound decisions. Avoid alcohol for the same reasons. If you’re not eating by a meal replacement shake and try to distance yourself from both cheating parties while you work out what’s best for you. Remember cheaters lie, right now don’t listen to either party without that in mind, look at actions and judge those. If you need to purge negative hateful thoughts write it down and throw it away.

(((Good luck)))

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 6:50 AM, Thursday, October 7th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8691917
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 7:00 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

So sorry you had to find out, let alone see that. Consensual or not, an adoptive daughter, that is abuse. Even if she writes a letter, it is a parental figure.
Seek legal advice you do not have to tell them, but you need to know your rights as well as legal responsibilities.
She probably needs IC as to go to a parental figure for her first time is not a normal way any first time should be. Regardless she was groomed.
I am no way having a go at you, or her but your WS.
Even if everything is in the others name, that is why there are lawyers.
You need to lead by example and not rug sweep this.
One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1199   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8691924
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:07 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I am so sorry for you. This is horrific for you snd your daughter. Clearly her past has been a part of this decision b/c the guy took advantage of her.

She trusted him and he took advantage of the situation.

This is horrific! I don’t know how you will survive this — I just know you will.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8691926
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 8:14 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I noticed you joined SI back in 2015, what happened the first time ? Sounds like he's a serial cheater.

posts: 2439   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8691932
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 10:50 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

This is probably way beyond our pay-grade…

Some bullet points I would look into ASAP:

Is she 18 or is she on the 18th year?

Are you two married, formally or civil?

Who legally adopted her? Whose name is on the paper?

What age was she when this started?

The response from them… well… let me divide it into his and hers.

Her response I don’t place too much trust in. She could have been groomed, manipulated or whatever. She’s definitely accountable in some way or another, but chances are she’s more a victim than a vixen.

Him however… NOTHING you share about his response indicates an understanding of responsibility, role, accountability, or remorse. NOTHING. NOTHING.

I strongly urge you to seek legal advice. Frankly I don’t see this as a reconcilable situation unless you have extensive outside help and basically a dissolution of this family as it is. I can’t really see you, your son, daughter and … husband(?) sharing Thanksgiving 3 years from now and you not being worried if they are "doing the dishes" alone in the kitchen.

You need legal advice on your marital assets and position IF you file.

You need legal advice on your accountability if you don’t report this (assuming a) he’s her legal father and b) she’s not legally 18 and/or this started before she was legally 18). Keep in mind covering up a crime is in itself a crime…

edited to add:
I just want to point one thing out:
Your last post before this one was one where you showed compassion and understanding for someone with a remorseless spouse. I suggest you really have a serious think now: You signed up on this site early 2015, have 95 posts. Some probably about your situation, possibly some supporting others…
What actions do YOU need to take to ensure you won’t be posting about a new affair in 2027?

There is no time better than NOW to change things. It might be D it might be R, but CHANGE is NECESSARY!

[This message edited by Bigger at 11:11 AM, Thursday, October 7th]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9900   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8691937
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:31 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

If you live in the United States every state allows that property is jointly owned. It doesn’t matter if his name is on something and yours is not. Unless you two have signed something legal where you cannot touch each other‘s possessions I can’t imagine that you would be left penniless. If you live in another country then there’s no way to help you unless one of our posters in from where you are. Your best bet is to get hold of an attorney yesterday. Secondly and most important is that you no longer have a marriage. I would like to clean that up and make it sweeter but it cannot be. You need to get out of this mess as soon as possible. This reminds me of Woody Allen who helped Mia Farrow raise a child when he began a sexual relationship with her. Sometimes there are creepy people in our lives. And by the way your husband is one of those creepy people.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8691946
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:03 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I am so very very sorry for this horrible situation you are in. Please seek legal counsel now now now. Not only to protect your assets, but also because this:

He told me he does things with her, emotional things that he knows ive desperately needed but wouldnt provide- he basically was gushing, but then said that its "just a physical connection, and she's not as good at giving head as me" but that she's "just learning how"

This is what sexual predators say about their underage victims and I would not be a bit surprised if this started well before she was 18. FWIW - I have read some deeply disturbing shit on my time on SI, but this is probably the worst one yet. I don't even know how you're coping with this sad

So you not only need a lawyer to protect your marital assets, but also to protect yourself from potential criminal charges. If you can, try to get your daughter into counseling. Just from this little bit I've read, she is a very disturbed young lady and needs some professional help. Counseling for you would not be a bad idea either.

I don't typically say this in JFO, but I honestly don't think there's a way forward for your marriage. I implore you to really do some digging and find out what separation would look like. I know it's so scary, but honestly it is almost never as bad as you imagine. You also have some leverage here - if your business is reputation dependent, then it is in his best interest to give you what you ask for now that you have this information about him.

Sending you so many hugs!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3165   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8691954
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:20 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Bigger has noted you have been on this forum for several years. If your husband has been this awful all this time please get legal help. This is the most toxic story I have read and if your son is under age CPS can remove him. Why are you still anywhere near your husband?

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8691955
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 3:16 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I don't know if I've ever seen a more clear and cut case of time for D.
This is over. You are married to a pervert who has NO boundaries, none.
This was a violation on so many levels. It's a mockery of the worst kind of parenting.
Your H is a very selfish self indulgent piece of trash. There is no further discussion necessary.

See an attorney, yesterday, if possible. Plan it out.
Tell everyone about what you saw. There should be no place for him to rest.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 962   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8691964
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 3:32 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

This case eats at my mind…

Look – as a RULE you need to think of your kids 1-2-3, with you coming up a late 4 and your husband somewhere along 20 or so… In this instance it’s complex because the "kid" is 18 and therefore not legally a "kid". It’s also complex because you two do have a biological kid.

What I wonder about is who is on the adoption papers? Normally one person OR a couple can adopt. Not two people. By couple there is some legal implications of a unity – like marriage or common-law marriage. This is IMHO the crux of the matter:

If your name and your name alone is on the adoption documents then it slightly mitigates what he’s done as far as the law is concerned. It then becomes an issue of age and ethics. Was she fully 18 when it started becomes the key issue. I hate referring to celebs, but it becomes a comparable issue as Woody Allen who had an affair with and married his ex-partners adopted daughter. As long as she’s fully of legal age and he is not her legal father it’s allowed, but definitely sick.

If his name is on the papers… well… two things there….
For one there is probably some legislation forbidding sex between parents and their children – even if of legal age and/or adopted. Definitely if under the legal age.

But… It also shows that the legal system sees you as a couple so the names on the deeds and property and all that is not a clear indicator of ownership if you divorce.

I hadn’t planed on posting again until you had responded. I’m guessing everything is so overwhelming and nobody here is offering you a clear and easy path out – while retaining your marriage and family. The reason I added this post is a comment by Cooley2here.
Be aware that if your husband did ANYTHING that would interest CPS and if it’s clear that you are aware of it, know of it or even should have been aware of it – it CAN impact your son.
Be really careful here. It’s IMHO imperative that you have clear proof that YOU took the initiative to clear and fix the present situation.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9900   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8691969
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

:

I'm so angry for you. mad

Your partner is a predator.

Please seek advice from an attorney asap.

Seek counseling for yourself.

Many things are forgiveable on these boards, but honestly, I couldn't forgive him for these despicable acts abusing a young girl who you took under your wing.

posts: 11265   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8691970
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:39 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I'd talk to an attorney ASAP and your local precinct. A crime has been commit - and others before me are right. You have a legal and moral obligation to report this to local authorities. This just took on a whole new element. IMHO - don't tell anyone you are about to go to attorney & precinct - just do it. That way you can't be talked/scared/guilted out of it.

I don't know the girl or your WH. But odds are very slim you have even the tip of the iceberg to the whole story. Let the professionals dig for the rest of it. In an interrogation room [for him at least].

There are laws that protect you from having nothing. A good attorney will make sure you are taken care of.

Blow that shit up. You aren't as alone or cornered as you think.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3292   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8691971
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Happenedtome2 ( member #68906) posted at 3:39 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I am so sorry for your situation. In reading your older posts, you mention that you caught your dad cheating on your mom when you were a child. Now you are put in this situation after basically rugsweeping your serial cheater husband's actions (at least nine times?) . There is only one road for you here and that is to get out.

This is not a marriage. This is your husband keeping you around to do chores, run the business and let him do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. Not only is he mentally abusing you, but he has obviously mentally manipulated your adopted daughter and is now in a sexual relationship with her.

Read that again.

Now go find a lawyer because you will need one. Not just a divorce lawyer, but a criminal lawyer if this has been going on since before your daughter was 18 even if you didn't know about it. He hasn't been truthful in ages and suddenly he's telling the truth about sleeping with your adopted daughter? No way.

BH
DDay August 2018
Current situation : Still married, great at times, uneasy at others.
My original post :
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 459   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8691972
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 4:58 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

While I was out of town vending a trade show. The only work any of us does.

So does this mean that your partner doesn't work? The business is all you? Regardless, tell him to leave. Now. And call a lawyer, like others have recommended.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 4:59 PM, Thursday, October 7th]

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 547   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8691988
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annanew ( member #43693) posted at 6:44 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

I am so so so sorry.

Yes, you are in shock.

My kid will be homeless. everything Ive worked for they will get to keep, and he will get away with it.

This is catastrophizing. It's a defense mechanism. It's like your brain thinks - how can this get worse. And then it plans on it, in order to save you from more shock. There is a reason for it, but please know that this is not based in reality. You have power. The only way he will "get away with it" is if you let him.

Thinking you have no options is also part of the catastrophizing.

But the silver lining of this? You don't need to make any decisions. You have to divorce him. Period. Just don't even expend any mental energy on this. Save yourself the anguish. Start divorce proceedings.

Whether you ultimately have a relationship with the daughter is an open question. I suspect she may have been abused sexually at some point, or else just really was seeking acceptance and love in all the wrong ways. You don't need to be there for her right now. You need to be there for yourself. It would be great to get her away from your husband if possible. But not sure how you would do that. If she's screwed up enough to do this, she's got a long road to becoming a healthy individual. It's not something you are going to fix right now. Or even in the coming few years.

[This message edited by annanew at 6:51 PM, Thursday, October 7th]

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2442   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8692011
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 blondenblueeyed (original poster member #47527) posted at 10:09 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Let me clear some stuff up since i was in such shock when I wrote this i didnt clarify the terms in a way that would make sense to those who dont know us.

1) I left the person I was with in 2015, took some time off dating,then met the guy im with now. this is a different relationship.

yeah apparently i have a type. please dont rub it in, i did go to therapy and i did think this time was going to be safe. i do realize that its time to go back. Most of my posts here are years old, and this was the first D day of this relationship.

2) we are not legally married,but had a commitment ceremony thing. We both didnt ever want to be legally married again. Given the history. This was the highest commitment either of us felt we'd ever make, but no it wasnt legal per se

3) Im the one that adopted her, well technically I signed a paper releasing her biological parents from responsibility for her and accepting it for myself that we got notarized at a bank. Nothing went through the courts, but between us ive been calling her my adopted daughter for years. it was clearly understood thats the relationship dynamics. His name isnt anywhere on anything though.

4) Im fairly confident she was 18 when it happened the first time. She actually came to me, happy, and said she lost her virginity to a guy named "Jay" last night. (It failed to register that J is the first letter of WS' name) and we went together to get her birth control once she was sexually active, like i promised her I would. Bought her ice cream afterwards. I thought we were bonding.

5) My son is from my previous relationship and ive asked his father to keep him at his place for a while so he doesn't see this.

6) The three of us run the farm and the business together, but its all legally in WS's name. We farm lizards not barnstock so flashsales and getting landlords to rent may realistically still be a bit more difficult.

7) Im also hesitant to break this wide open at least just yet, because my entire income is dependent on it, im epileptic so my work options are limited and I dont want to have my name sullied by it either.

7) I have no delusions this is salvageable. The person I loved is either so far gone they're dead or plain just never existed, because THAT person isnt capable of this.

What I really need from you, the reader, is how to mitigate the shock so I can find the strength to make healthy decisions for myself, because right now i still havent left the bed other than to go pee once.


Also some guidance on how to mentally survive the time period between now and when I can leave (plan to asap), and dealing with working with them during that would be greatly appreciated.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Apr. 14th, 2015
id 8692045
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 10:33 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

What I really need from you, the reader, is how to mitigate the shock so I can find the strength to make healthy decisions for myself, because right now i still havent left the bed other than to go pee once.

Eat, sleep, drink water. Literally that's it for self-care in the really early days. I would also add to please be kind to yourself right now. This is a HUGE shock and trauma, and it is okay if you're not okay. If all you can do is get up to pee, then that's a win for today.

Also some guidance on how to mentally survive the time period between now and when I can leave (plan to asap), and dealing with working with them during that would be greatly appreciated.

I am glad you are in the right spot about finding out a different plan. If I were in your spot, I would honestly try to limit interacting with him at all - read up on the 180. As for your adopted daughter.... that's a stickier wicket. I have no doubt you love her. But 1 - it sounds to me like she needs some professional help. Her behavior in this isn't at all healthy and to me strongly indicates that she's had some trauma of her own in the past that she will likely need help to deal with. Right now you are not emotionally equipped to give her help and support (and it is 100% okay for you to not to be able to right now). And 2 - no matter how much you love her, her actions have caused you a colossal injury. She is a child still, 18 or not, and she has no idea of what she's done to you really. I'm not sure how to advise you on that one because it is shocking to ME and I have no idea what I would do in your shoes. I will just say that I think your focus right now needs to be on YOU and taking care of yourself and your mental health. If that means doing a 180 on her too, then do it.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3165   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8692049
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