I’m sorry for the pain you are in. No one deserves what she has done.
But I need to tell you, that you have tacitly approved an open marriage. Your inaction has permitted it.
I want to tell you something very hard as well. By taking filing for divorce off the table, you have essentially committed to staying in this open marriage as long as she wants it. Perhaps forever.
She enjoys having both of you. And she can move between both of you as much as she wants. She can have sex with both of you. She can do fun things with both of you.
So if I were you, I’d look seriously into whether or not this is the life you want. I’d even recommend working with a therapist who specializes in Infidelity and emotional trauma.
Why would she ever divorce you? She has the best of both worlds. She can come and go as she pleases and she can have you as the baby sitter when she goes on week long fuck fests which her boyfriend.
And why would he marry her? He gets the best parts of her while you get the real world.
Reconciliation only works when the betrayed spouse makes himself no longer part of his or her partner’s world. When he or she takes action to list their boundaries, list the requirements for working to rebuild the relationship, and then leaves. Separates. Detaches. Until the wayward spouse actually does those things. Meets those requirements. Does the work.
Not when they SAY that will do it. But when they actually do it.
1) ending the relationship with the other man
2) being fully open with all communication technology.
3) admitting to family and friends what they have done and how they have hurt you
4) documenting the timeline of the affair including everything they did together where they did it what they though and how they felt.
5) starting counseling with a therapist who specializes in Infidelity
6) no more alone with men. Ever
These are just the first few things they need to do to rebuild a happy meaningful relationship with their partner.
Even if they commit to do these things and mean it, the chances you will reconcile and have a happy life are less than 50%.
But those are the best odds you will find.
I’d say with your approach, having a happy life and feeling safe and trusting your partner again is close to zero. I really mean it.
Again, why would she ever make you her one and only ever again? If it’s not this guy, it will be the next. She knows you won’t leave her because of it. She knows you won’t file.
So you have some very important soul searching to do here. You need to decide if your hate of divorce is more important than your dislike of having a wife who has sex with other men. Who lives with other men part of the year.
Your children are already living away from you. That’s not going to stop. and when you have them, she’s gonna continue to take weeks or months at a time letting you raise them while she gives love and affection to someone else.
The Catholic Church allows for annulment or divorce due to infidelity. You are doing nothing wrong here. This is not your fault. But she will never leave you if she gets to be with whomever she wants when she wants.
So I will tell you, you will figure out, there is no other option that works in this scenario. The best chance you have at saving your marriage. The best chance, and none of them are likely, but the best chance you have, is to stop fearing losing it.
And if you can find the courage to stand up to her, tell her you will no longer live like this, and file for D until she changes her behavior and focuses on you and no one else, then you will finally be fighting for your marriage.
Right now you are fighting for nothing. If she gets tired of this guy, there will be a next one, because she knows you won’t do anything about it.
So it’s time to do something about it. Speak to a lawyer this week. Set up for her to be served with D papers. Then This is what I would tell her. Modify for the situation:
Wife. I am no longer Interested in being in a marriage where I am not my partners one and only like she is mine. This is not working for me. I love you. I’m in love with you. But your infidelity has broken my heart.
You can be with whomever makes you happy. But if you are with me, you are With me and only me.
If you are with him, then you have ended our marriage as we agreed to it on our wedding day and you can no longer be with me as wife and husband.
I will be taking steps to legally end the marriage your cheating has destroyed. There are many things you will need to do to rebuild our relationship. I don’t think you have it in you to do any of them.
First is you and the kids get on a Flight and come home today.
Second, you break up with him and never see or communicate with him again, ever and you actively keep him out of our lives as a family
Third you provide open access to all your communications. I will do the same
Fourth you work with a therapist and you get this man out of your heart and see him as the family wrecker he truly is.
That is just the start. If you do those Things we can begin discussing what it takes to rebuild this marriage instead of ending it.
But it starts right now at this moment. If you’re in you book a flight this afternoon and come home.
I don’t think you have it in uou. Prove me wrong. In the meantime I’ll be working to heal how you have hurt me and that starts with starting the work to legally end this farce of a relationship.
Then you stop talking to her. I’m sorry, but if you did this six months ago you’d probably be out of the limbo you are living in.
Look, think about what you want. The path you are on will end up leaving you never trusting her again and being a lifelong cuckold to either this guy or the next or the many to follow.
It’s your life. You do what you want. But you kinda asked a question if her latest communications are a positive and I have to be honest with you but NO, I dont think they are. They are just words. They don’t mean anything. They are her stringing you along further and further.
And even if they are true, they’ll only last until she’s home again and then gets that itch and need it scratched and you’ll find her on a flight back to his winter wonderland.
PleaSe take real action. We want more for you. We want happiness someday for you. You’re not very close to that right now.
You’re in good company here. Tens of thousands who have been they what you’re experiencing. Listen to them. I promise you that you’ll wish you did sooner.
[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:59 AM, Sunday, October 3rd]