Newest Member: HeartbrokenWife76

Just Found Out :
Thinking I feel a change in the wind

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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 3:24 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

I put in a request for an appointment with a counselor last night

If at any point the counselor attempts to shift part of the blame for your wife's affair on you, get up and walk out. This is entirely on her.

there's no such thing as "unconditional love", not among human animals anyway.

Love should never be unconditional because it perpetuates the idea that all behaviors and actions are worthy of forgiveness, no matter how much harm they inflict on us.

Exactly! 1Cor 13 is about the love of the Creator.

I still love my wife after her affairs and we're still married but she's repented, passed a polygraph, and done what she could to keep us together. If she ever betrayed me again I would kick her to the curb and continue to love her from a distance.

What you call "unconditional love" sounds like trauma bonding to me.

This! Look up the symptoms of PTSD. Bet you have many of them. I know I did.

You quoted from Forrest Gump. Here's another quote: "You Can't Be Doin' This, Forrest. You Can't Keep Tryin' To Rescue Me All The Time." - Jenny

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1115   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8691548
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 4:06 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Good move, holdfast2, on getting into IC quickly.

It's clear you will need lots of ongoing support, cognitively and emotionally.

If the first therapist doesn't seem to be a good fit, keep looking!

All the best!

BW 30 year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month PA
My Ducks are Aligned and I'm Good to Go! :)

posts: 319   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8691555
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HarryD ( new member #72423) posted at 4:43 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

After reading this.
You have a open marriage. Your wife is allowed to sleep with whoever she wants to. And you are OK with that. So what the problem? You basically gave her the ok to go this ? This means you have the right to bed down some others. I am sure she will be ok with that And you have your wife for show if it doesn’t interfere with AP time.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2019   ·   location: NY
id 8691560
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maxricomm ( new member #79388) posted at 4:50 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Two posters have misspoke about the Catholic Church's stance on divorce. Divorce is NOT a sin. Remarriage is. This is not to start a religious arguing but to make sure that facts are accurately stated.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8691563
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 holdfast2 (original poster new member #79339) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

This forum is supposed to be a safe place to share. Per the guidelines, members are supposed to be respectful and not make attacks on people.

While I accept much of what's been said, I am not okay with what several members have said or the manner in which they said it.

I feel that this has not been a safe place for me, and that attacks have been made on my what I've stated as one of my core beliefs, attacks on my character, and disparaging remarks about my wife.

I am restarting IC and seeking legal counsel to ensure the best outcome I can for my kids.

I am choosing to leave the forum. Good luck to everyone with your own recovery. Please be civil with others on the forum. (If it's been a while since you've read the Guidelines, please review them.

Goodbye,
HoldFast2

BH(46). WW(46). M 20 years (friends 32 years). 4 kids. DDay1 Fall'06. DDay2 Apr '21

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2021
id 8691573
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:47 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Well best of luck to you. I hope one day, you free yourself from this abuse,and you make sure to protect your children.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:48 PM, Monday, October 4th]

posts: 3733   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8691575
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Booyah ( member #60124) posted at 7:04 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

"I feel that this has not been a safe place for me".

Exactly what you should be thinking about your kids right now because I can assure you they're not in a safe place.

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8691576
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DictumVeritas ( member #74087) posted at 7:17 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

OP, if you are still reading, you are failing to protect the sanctity of your marriage, you are failing to protect the safety of your children and you are failing to protect your own dignity.

Up until you are willing to take action to address these failures, no honest forums will feel like a safe place to you since people will advise you to take actions to enact these protections. Your excuses for not taking these, frankly, natural actions is likely to estrange yourself from your wife and children and to be honest, can be seen as a passive form of child abuse as these children need your protection from the despicable, dangerous and immoral actions of their mother.

Providing you with a safe space is frankly far down on the list of priorities when advising you how not to burn down the lives of your children and ultimately your own.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 226   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8691578
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 7:18 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

The feeling of being "offended" is a warning indicator that is showing you where to look within YOURSELF for unresolved issues.

------Bryant H. McGill

Best wishes Holdfast. Hope the take away from this experience will be a catalyst to finally take action - to protect yourself and your children.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:57 PM, Monday, October 4th]

Married 31 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 62
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
DDay=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8691579
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:53 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Exactly what you should be thinking about your kids right now because I can assure you they're not in a safe place

SO MUCH THIS.

OP, you didn't like what I said about your wife as a mother. You are in denial. She may love them,but she is being a horrible mother.

A good mother doesn't have an affair.

A good mother doesn't expose the father of her child to potentially deadly stds .

A good mother doesn't risk her children's family, and happiness, by having an affair.

A good mother sure as Hell doesn't take her children to another man's house and expose them directly to her affair partner.

You said they're staying at a B and B. But your children know she is sleeping in the bed with "her friend." So it's quite clear they aren't spending every night at a B and B.

I suggest you educate yourself on online predators, who target women with young children.

And,honestly, that you would rather risk your children's safety, than tell your wife she is not exposing her kids to this other man that even she doesn't really know, doesn't mean you are being the best father you can be.

No one is going to tell you it will be ok, and pat you on the back,while you sit back and allow this to happen.

posts: 3733   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8691584
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 8:12 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

OP you seem offended by honest advice by internet strangers, the comments may sound harsh but they're not uncommon here on SI in situations like yours (WW having an ACTIVE A and left BH for AP), but the advice is usually well intended in order to jolt you (or any other BS) to take decisive action, I hope you get much more offended by your WW's huge betrayal to you and your children and end this farce of a M, unless you keep tolerating this forced open M forever, again don't forget to get tested for STDs, good luck.

posts: 2439   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8691588
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 8:20 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

OP, on the chance that you might be back to read if not post, here's my .02:

I feel that this has not been a safe place for me, and that attacks have been made on my what I've stated as one of my core beliefs, attacks on my character, and disparaging remarks about my wife.

Many of us felt attacked when we were told things we didn't want to hear. I am also Catholic and had no desire to file for divorce. However, I was not going to allow the ex to betray me in front of my family and allow my family to think that type of abuse was acceptable behavior. Filing for the divorce set a GOOD example of what we should not tolerate. I spoke with our priest, and infidelity is an acceptable reason to file. As for the remarks on your wife, the posters seemed very mild compared to what could have been said. Your love for her doesn't change who she is or how she has been behaving. If it could then none of us would be here. Good luck to you. Get out of infidelity for your kids' sake if not for your own.

posts: 172   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8691590
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 8:28 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Those poor kids. Something has gone terribly wrong with OP’s God-given instincts to protect his children. I can only pray your IC smacks some sense into you to take action and finally start acting like a God-fearing dad. Currently, you most certainly are not. It’s not too late to change that.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8691591
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gemini12 ( new member #78670) posted at 8:45 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Well, that's one way to end the story.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8691592
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:04 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

"I feel that this has not been a safe place for me".

Exactly what you should be thinking about your kids right now because I can assure you they're not in a safe place.

^^BINGO!

Your story is the same as all the rest, you are ignoring collective wisdom here, no one is attacking you, we are trying to get you out of denial and out of infidelity.

Your wife is putting your family in harm's way, your wife is actively in an affair, your wife is abusing you, and your concern is being offended?

Please protect those kids.

Please read Dictum's post and read it again.

posts: 11265   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8691596
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 9:18 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

If only you held the only person that stood before a group of people and god to the same boundary standards that you hold people trying to get you to wake up.

This is a safe space for people that are wanting to get out of infidelity.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8691599
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 9:50 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

This is a really sad post. This poster is allowing his wife to put his kids in danger because he doesn't believe in divorce or will not get the mental health help he needs to be capable of keeping his kids safe. Again, this is really very scary and sad for those kids. I hope the OP learned something here and will take more positive steps than what he is currently doing.

posts: 133   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8691606
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 9:56 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

You're not the first one to be put off by the "tough love" advice, Holdfast. The bottom line is that there's no magic wand. Desperate BS's come here all the time looking for a way to fix it, but there's no magic to be had. Just know that you can come back when you're ready. And you wouldn't be the first one to do that either. You're in a tough position and not quite ready to face it head on yet. But when you get there, you'll still be welcome here. smile

posts: 4569   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8691607
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 10:23 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

As an old timer here I hate to see you leave.
I also hate that you feel like this hasn't been a safe place. In all honesty everyone has been exceptionally kind and gentle with you.

Your wife has a boyfriend. Your kids are currently staying with said boyfriend. It may not be nice, but it is the truth. Your kids are NOT safe presently. Regardless of how unconditionally you choose to love your spouse, you need to stop trusting her and that what she is doing is in the interest of the family or you or your children.

If she wants to have a boyfriend fine. But for the love of God, don't let your kids see it first hand. This is doing immense damage on so many levels for them, and that includes your 19yo son. He may be a mighty protector and considered a man in the eyes of the law and church, but trust me, he isn't done growing up and he is at a critical phase in frontal lobe development.
When they return please get them into counseling as well. They need to know that open marriages in the name of unconditional love and devout religion are not what a normal loving relationship looks like.

If you feel you want solid advice moving forward after seeing an IC a few times we will welcome you back with open arms. But one thing is sure, we will always give it to you in a very truthful manner, and that may hurt, but our goal is not to hurt you, it is to help you prevent making the same mistakes each of us has made our path to getting out of infidelity.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18970   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8691611
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Booyah ( member #60124) posted at 10:27 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

I'll take it even further.

These kids are not being protected by both their mother or their father.

Ideally one would think CPS should be informed so that they could yank these kids away from these two parents who both have their head up their ass.

That CPS would get these kids into a safe environment until OP could prove that he's pulled his head out of his ass and that he could provide them a safe environment and that he could also prove that he has their best interests above anything else!!

I'm a Christian, and yes Jesus would prefer that a divorce is the last option, but he understands (and approves) that it is an option.

One thing I can also tell you is that Jesus has a soft spot for children and he doesn't want them neglected or harmed.

OP and his wife have BOTH neglected to protect their kids because they EACH have a SELFISH agenda.

His serial cheating wife with her AP.

OP with his own needs from his wife (that she isn't living up to) and he's SO SELFISH that his needs are more important than his kids!!

These kids are innocent and do NOT deserve any of this and OP is sitting there doing NOTHING about it and he's "offended"???

One example of a horrible parent is one who puts their own selfish needs/safety over their own children which is EXACTLY what you're doing!!

It's SICKENING and CRIMINAL!!

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8691612
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