Newest Member: Armyman9196

Reconciliation :
Should I monitor her vacation?

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 routerx (original poster new member #75569) posted at 1:46 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Need an honest answer from those willing to take the time to read this.

Background: I caught my wife sexting another man. After multiple lies and continued contact with him I was sure there was something more going on but could never prove it. We separated but are now back together after counseling and reconciliation.

She just told me she plans to go on a trip with her girlfriends to the same city this guy lives in. Needless to say, I think it's a poor choice but I didn't want to say no because if she wants to cheat, she's going to cheat and no amount of 'no's' will change that. The question I have is, should I hire someone to follow her? What would you do? Do you think hiring a PI undermines the reconciliation?

Interesting fact: When I caught her texting the guy the first time it was the weekend of his birthday. This trip, is also happening the weekend of his birthday.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2020
id 8688951
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FairyTaleGone ( member #79059) posted at 2:03 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

After multiple lies and continued contact with him I was sure there was something more going on but could never prove it. We separated but are now back together after counseling and reconciliation.

A couple things here. You don't have to PROVE anything. If you feel in your gut that it was more, you are probably right. And, counseling is great, but the fact that she thinks a trip to the same location where he lives, without you, is ok, then she really isn't in the right mind frame. she should be looking at this situation and seeing that it is inappropriate.

The question I have is, should I hire someone to follow her? What would you do? Do you think hiring a PI undermines the reconciliation?

SHE is undermining the reconciliation by going. I had my own experience with WH going on a trip that I wasn't comfortable with and it got ugly fast. SHE is making the decision to put HER needs above yours AGAIN. That isn't ok. Hire a PI if you want, but I would simply tell her that you are not ok with her going.

DDay 1 - 2/19/21 (found out about EA)
DDay 2 - 5/22/21 (TT found burner phone)
DDay 3 - 6/9/21 (TT found out about PA)

EA/PA ended 3/22/21 -WH went NC
Working on R
13yr old DD at home - unfortunately knows way too much

posts: 60   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2021
id 8688955
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:09 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Mic drop. Epic fail.

This is too coincidental to ignore.

You can try one thing without spending any $. Randomly FaceTime her while on the trip. I would text her a good morning and while she is responding FaceTime request.

If she doesn’t answer the FaceTime — you have your answer.

Can you look at the phone bill and see who she is calling or texting? Or was she using an app to hide her cheating behavior?

I’d be very very suspicious!!!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8688958
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:43 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Do you think hiring a PI undermines the reconciliation?

Not as much as her going on a GF vacation to his town the week of his birthday. If nothing is found the PI only costs money. The only way it undermines the R is if you are in fact in a false R. Pretty good chance that since she thinks this vacation is a good idea right now, that you are in a false R. It is in both or your best interests to determine that as soon as possible. If she is not capable of R, it's better for both of your sakes to end it.

posts: 792   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8688967
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Humbled123 ( member #62947) posted at 2:52 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Absolutely hire a pi if you can. I personally wouldn't tip my hand if i were you, they are expert liars. Or rent a car and pi yourself. Leave NO stone unturned. I've learned that middle-aged women use code statements that often mean more. " Girls just want to have fun" " i need space/ time alone, etc" " girls trips"
If they are in crisis this all means the same thing. Men and sex.

posts: 199   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8688968
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CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 3:00 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

My short version is this:

Have an honest conversation with her. Tell her that you are uncomfortable with her decision and why. See if she offers anything that would help bring about comfort to you. Obviously, there could be a myriad of offers, but those that come to mind immediately are these:

*she offers to not go on the trip

*she offers to put a tracking tool on her phone

*she offers to put a parental-watch app that also sends you her messages/emails/phone activity, including capturing messages from FB, IG and WhatsApp

There are things that she can do to ease your mind. I would have serious doubts about the true nature of the R if she isn't willing to pursue those things for you.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3037   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8688979
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 3:40 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I have no idea why she's stomping on R?
As far as these "friends" of hers are concerned, did they know (and or enable) the A.
Drunken girl friends, out of town, in the home territory of the AP.

Sorry, too many things lining up. Your cheating lying wife should have lost certain freedoms and privilege that she already abused.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 964   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8689003
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ButAnyway ( new member #79085) posted at 4:49 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Oh, Hell NO!!!

Very simple … she goes on this trip, you go visit an attorney and have her served when she returns. Establish right now where your boundaries are.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8689040
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:53 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

if she wants to cheat, she's going to cheat and no amount of 'no's' will change that

No! No! No! You set the boundaries and rules for R. She cannot take the trip and if she does she has decided to leave R and the M. Save your money on the PI balls in her court.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8689044
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:22 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Wayward mentality. You know the answer. Sounds like R means rugsweep.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:22 PM, Friday, September 17th]

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8689051
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BeyondRage ( member #71328) posted at 6:23 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Have an honest conversation with her. Tell her that you are uncomfortable with her decision and why. See if she offers anything that would help bring about comfort to you. Obviously, there could be a myriad of offers, but those that come to mind immediately are these:

*she offers to not go on the trip

*she offers to put a tracking tool on her phone

*she offers to put a parental-watch app that also sends you her messages/emails/phone activity, including capturing messages from FB, IG and WhatsApp

Totally disagree with this approach. All you are accomplishing with this is putting her on notice that you want are suspicious. This is way too coincidental to not stink you high heaven. Do you know any of these girlfriends she is going with?

The simple fact is there is no way she should even be considering going on this trip, especially to this location.

If you want to be honest with her, which she has not been with you, tell her exactly how outrageous you think this little stunt is and that when she returns you will have a polygraph scheduled for her and the first two questions will be
(1) did you see OM in person
(2) were you in contact with him by any electronic means

my bet is she will resemble Casper The Ghost when you make this demand of her, and then you will see by her reaction what she is really up to. If this is totally innocent ( and I'd bet cash money) it is not, she should be delight to accomadate you and prove she is not cheating again. And is she becomes offended at your demand, tell her you are fucking offended that she even considered doing what she is doing.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 478   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8689060
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 6:24 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Are you kidding me? Just for fun, explain to your WW very calmly why you are concerned about her trip. See what she says. Unless she decides not to go (highly unlikely), tell her you will be seeing an attorney in the morning. Do it. The affair is ongoing. Better yet, tell her you will be coming along with her. Watch how she squirms. This is all for fun because it certainly sounds like your WW is cheating again. Go see a lawyer and end the charades.

posts: 435   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8689061
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 6:25 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

My thinking is to voice your concerns, and then remain stealthy. If possible, as suggested, hire a PA. Or, track her if you can place one on her car or phone. If she's using her car, place a VAR in it. One that will last for 72 hours. But try and get some way to gather information. Or, I suppose you could go there (if you know where she is staying) and maybe spy a bit. It's crappy to have to do these things, but it's better to know than live twisting in the wind.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4458   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8689062
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:48 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

IMO, you may be asking the wrong question.

You say you've R'ed, but someplace you wrote that you're more like brother and sister. R and M usually means some sex with each other, IMO. Sex is not on the table for brother and sister.

IMO, it's perfectly OK for single sisters to go on trips with friends to do anything that's more or less legal. OTOH, it's usually an attack on R for a former WW to go on trips without their Hs. A trip to the city of an om on his birthday? I can't help thinking that 'former' should be replaced by 'current'.

I agree that saying 'no' to the trip is inappropriate. The only way to ensure the 'no' would be to imprison her, and that's illegal, I suspect.

You can say, however, 'I'm fine with your going on the trip. If you do, however, you'll have to find a new home.' What's keeping you from saying that?

I'm all for freedom. I'm all for partners to have some shared and some separate interests. I can understand separate trips for partners in strong relationships. But your relationship is not strong. The fact that your W didn't tell her girlfriends that she was staying home, the fact that she doesn't see how inappropriate the trip is ... even if she isn't cheating, it looks like she is an unreliable partner.

What did you do to Reconcile? Was it rug sweeping and not R? What has your W changed about herself?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26161   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8689065
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:59 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

If your wife really "got it" she would NEVER even consider going on a trip to the AP’s town on the weekend of his birthday.

If she loved you and respected you she would never have even entertained this idea. She would have enough compassion and empathy for you and declined.

She really is selfish sad to say.

And if you’ve been here at SI long enough you would see that it is not out of the realm of possibility that she would "reconcile" and then continue the affair. That’s why it’s called FALSE RECONCILIATION!!

So sorry for you. I think you have seen the most brazen behavior from her and should expect more.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:59 PM, Friday, September 17th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8689066
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 routerx (original poster new member #75569) posted at 7:51 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Thanks for the replies.

We reconciled via counseling and she appeared to sincerely care about the right steps toward reconciliation, stating she didn't want to put the ring back on until we knew it was right. I put it back on her finger on our anniversary a few weeks ago. So, if she is going on this trip to cheat, it would be completely heartless. I wouldn't be broken, because my value doesn't come from her, but obviously she would not be a safe person to be around.

Some of the advice is ideal if it were just me and her, but when you have children who dearly love both mom and dad, I have to address things with everyone in mind, not just myself.

One of my biggest regrets when I first caught her was not staying silent until I gathered more info, so in this case, I'm not going to say anything. I will know the truth of what's going on and have proof of it pretty quickly.

Thank you!

posts: 33   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2020
id 8689071
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 8:11 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

RouterX,

You wrote, so in this case, I'm not going to say anything. I will know the truth of what's going on and have proof of it pretty quickly.

Excellent plan, if she is going to cheat it's better you find out now than 2, 10 or 20 years from now. Wasted years or decades with someone who doesn't feel romantic love for you can never be recovered.

I'm glad you have surveillance in place.

posts: 1056   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8689076
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 8:16 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I have to address things with everyone in mind, not just myself.

If she is still in an affair she is putting your family and health at risk. You have to get you and the kids away from infidelity. She is not looking out for them, you have to protect yourself and the kids.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8689079
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:22 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I kind of agree you could just save the money on the PI, but if it gives you piece of mind to catch her red handed before you D, then go ahead and do that.

I'm gonna also agree with others here, your "R" is for rugsweeping. Sounds like the A just went underground and you have been in false R the whole time to me.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8689080
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iggyb ( new member #74562) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

If you would feel better and you have the money to do so then go for it.

From what you have said this situation does not sit right and, whilst you could just as easily serve her before she goes, getting the proof you want may liberate you.

We don't all agree on this, and that's what makes this great community what it is, but if you need this then you go for it.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8689090
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