Newest Member: Armyman9196

Reconciliation :
Should I monitor her vacation?

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ButAnyway ( new member #79085) posted at 9:44 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

It is clear you are reluctant to pull the D trigger, regardless of how little respect your WW is showing you and are making excuses for your WW. That being the case, you’re making your task much more difficult by not stopping this prior to your WW actually screwing OM.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8689092
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 routerx (original poster new member #75569) posted at 10:14 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

ButAnyway, I'm open minded and not discounting what you are saying, but I have to comment and then I have a request:

Comment: Yes, I'm reluctant to pull the Divorce trigger. With kids who love both parents it will take a lot to Divorce.

Request: I don't see how I'm making excuses for my wife but if I am, then tell me because I've had blind spots before. The way I see it: She is travelling, I'm rightly suspicious. I want to find out what she's up to and I will. I don't see how I'm making excuses for her.

Someone asked who her friends were. They are out of town friends she hung out with on trips more than 2 years ago (prior to me catching her sexting) and she hasn't been with them since. I won't comment further on this red flag.

If a wife of three children reconciles with her husband, sees the joy in her children's eyes, and four weeks later cheats again.... then I'm confident she has a cluster-B or sociopathic mental disorder.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2020
id 8689095
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 10:16 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

When I caught her texting the guy the first time it was the weekend of his birthday. This trip, is also happening the weekend of his birthday.

wuttt.Yes, absolutely give her a kiss to the forehead & send her on her way with the PI in -lace.

IMO it’s a matter of, once the PI places the proof in your hands that your wife is still cheating, which they will, what do you plan to do? If it’s nothing I don’t see the need in the waste of money.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 213   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8689096
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ButAnyway ( new member #79085) posted at 10:54 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Simple really … you mention reconciling through counseling and putting her ring back on her, etc. You talk about the words she’s said, but not the positive actions she’s taken. In fact, the only real action she’s taken was sexting the OM and then some time later planning a girls only trip to OM’s hometown.

Seriously, NOTHING good comes from girls only trips/nights out. BTW, that message is brought to you by the voice of experience.

My W fully realizes and accepts she will never go on another girls only trip, as the last one cost her 2 20+ year GF’s to permanent NC and MY trust.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8689099
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Humbled123 ( member #62947) posted at 11:08 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

"If a wife of three children reconciles with her husband, sees the joy in her children's eyes, and four weeks later cheats again.... then I'm confident she has a cluster-B or sociopathic mental disorder."

Honestly I feel for you. It pains me to read this. You obviously are in a state of denial and a lot of pain. I've been there. You don't comprehend how lost these people are and how selfish they are. You are thinking of this like a sane person and not addict mentality.

She would do this is a heartbeat if it means she gets her fix.

[This message edited by Humbled123 at 11:08 PM, Friday, September 17th]

posts: 199   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8689102
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:16 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Reconciliation isn't something one just decides to do, therefore they are reconciled.

It's a very long process. One that takes years. It requires the WS to do a lot of work on themselves.

I think you want to be reconciled. And I can believe she doesn't want a divorce. But not wanting a divorce isn't the same as Reconciliation.

She should be home,repairing the damage she has caused. Not going on vacation, where OM lives,on his birthday.

Yes. A million times yes. Hire a PI.

posts: 3742   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8689103
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:21 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I just read a few of your past posts. You're story is awful. Your wife was incredibly abusive. You left her at the end of last year,and you were feeling so much better. What did she do to cause you to return?

posts: 3742   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8689104
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 11:28 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Knowing what I know now about "girls trips" I would tell you that under no circumstances should you agree to such nonsense. Wake up man, she is going to be around this city so that she can fuck this guy. If she wants a girls day/weekend, she's got your backyard/patio where her and the ladies can yuck it up, drink mimosas all day and have the time of their lives. They don't gotta go flying to another city for that, if that is what their true motivations are, but I highly doubt that to be the case.

A couple years back, my wife and I were in a bad spot. She had been just too on-edge with me and when she mentioned a girls weekend, I thought it was the perfect thing to re-energize her and our marriage. I helped her pack, I used my points to get her discounts on the hotel and her flight was free. Little did I know was helping my wife go fuck her AP. As it turns out, no "girls" went on this trip with her.

She is going on a girls trip later this year, but this time around I've made sure that actual others are going, because they purchased their flights together at my house on afternoon. I've seen their travel itineraries enough to know that they are going, and one of the gals is taking her 10 year old daughter along, so at least this time I know it is a legitimate girls trip. She has been NC with ex-AP for awhile now, but it still doesn't make me feel at ease.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 164   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8689105
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 11:34 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

You seem hell bent on R. You need to draw a line in the sand NOW, if she chooses to go she has made the decision leave the M, no need for a PI.

She will take that trip, make it a PA, come back all sorry and wanting R. You will forever kick yourself for not stopping this when you had the chance.

My W fully realizes and accepts she will never go on another girls only trip, as the last one cost her 2 20+ year GF’s to permanent NC and MY trust.

Same here

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8689108
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 11:48 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Out of curiosity, have you ever met these out of town friends?

posts: 84   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8689109
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 12:05 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

So reading through your profile and past posts, it seems to me that your wife could kick your grandmother in the face while pouring sugar in your gas-tank and you'd allow it because your kids may get upset.

She knows this.

She is going to exploit it.

Rinse, repeat.

posts: 84   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8689113
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 12:10 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

You can do some free PI work right now.

Sit down with WW, your mobile phone and a computer, ask WW for the contact numbers and social pages of these friends because you want alternative contacts in case of emergency because it is a pandemic and there is political tension right now. You want to spring it on her when she is sitting down with you and unable to make an excuse to leave the room.

• If your WW won't tell you the friend's social pages or says "they don't have one" - she is lying to your face again

• If your WW gives you the friend's social pages and they're fake (inactive pages, low friend count, she is their only friend) - she is lying to your face again

• If your WW "forgets" what their social pages are - she is lying to your face again

• If your WW tries to leave the room for a moment - she is lying to your face again

• If she says "no" or says it's a breach of her privacy - she is lying to your face again

If she freely gives all the information and the social pages are active and you have been given legit contact details it's up to you if you want to call them under the guise of wanting their emergency contact numbers "just in case" of an emergency. It's up to you if you determine that there is a legitimately girl's night out going to happen or not.

I need you to hear me when I say there is no such thing as coincidences with adulterers, if you read enough posts here you will see that waywards who were "coincidentally" somewhere close to their affair partner's location was because they were seeing them, it's never been a case of coincidence only. Your WW is going straight to his location around his birthday.

I lurk on the pro adultery / other woman websites to keep myself educated on the new tactics cheaters use to hide their affairs and a new one with women is to hunt for other cheating women in their suburb/ work (or close enough to drive to) and take a bunch of selfies together wearing different clothing and then use those pictures as evidence of a "girls night/day out" to show their betrayed spouse so they can plan hook ups with their affair partners under the guise of a "girls night/day out". If the betrayed spouse gets suspicious about it they whip out the fake selfie pics. So take that with a grain of salt.

If this was so innocent you could simply say to WW "why don't your friends come here and you can all use the house to crash at after the night out" or "i'm not comfortable with the time and location but I am ok with you meeting your friends so why don't you change the date and location", she is supposedly in R, she would want to make this as transparent as possible if she was telling the truth. Any signs of defensiveness or anger towards this request is a large flashing neon sign she is lying about all of this.

You have placed trust and hope this woman would be faithful because she made vows to be faithful and now you're putting that same trust and hope that she would be faithful again because she is a mother. We've seen WW walk away from young kids before, we've heard WW swear on the life of their kids they wouldn't cheat while still cheating. Your WW is an adulterer, being a mother is not a motivator to stop lying.

From what you have written she is displaying the signs (the signs being all talk and crocodile tears and no actions) she has taken this under ground, burner phone likely used and has given you the typical false R time frame (which waywards give) to let routine fall back into place, enough time that she now feels you won't question lies and bold actions to see the affair partner. A remorseful wayward committed to reconciliation does more then they say, they willingly put trackers on themselves, they willingly facetime at random times, they do not put themselves in any suspicious situations that would make you doubt they want to stay married, they willingly unlock everything and give you the key to allow you to keep checking they're a safe partner. The betrayed never is the one driving reconciliation it's the wayward, so far your wayward is sitting back while you drive reconciliation and on queue tell you what you want to hear, it's minimal effort at best and you rewarded that with her ring back.

As long as you want the marriage she will cheat as much as she likes because there is no consequences for her infidelity. If you want to gain some control back in your life implement the 180 (information on 180 located in our healing library under 'articles'.)

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 12:15 AM, Saturday, September 18th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8689114
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BeyondRage ( member #71328) posted at 2:04 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

. I will know the truth of what's going on and have proof of it pretty quickly.

Just curious. Maybe I missed it, but you have not elaborated on how on earth this statement is going to be reality. Your wife is going long distance with girlfriends to her OM home town, and somehow you are confident you will know right away. Now, maybe I am distracted by the football game I am watching, but either you are so tech savvy that you have her devices wired or maybe you have a drone to launch at her location. So excuse me if I am just a "C" student, but how the hell are you going to have a clue what she is doing??????


You gonna just ask her to be honest with you when she returns from her hook up???

[This message edited by BeyondRage at 2:04 AM, Saturday, September 18th]

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 478   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8689118
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:10 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

If you were reconciled she wouldn’t be thinking of doing this. Sorry.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8689119
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:15 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

Routerx,

You wrote, If a wife of three children reconciles with her husband, sees the joy in her children's eyes, and four weeks later cheats again.... then I'm confident she has a cluster-B or sociopathic mental disorder.

As someone else posted an affair is a very strong addiction, and many people do not recognize it as an addiction because there are no drugs or alcohol needed.

However just as you cannot trust an alcoholic in a bar, you cannot trust your WW close to OM. When caught adicts will promise anything, but they keep going back.

If your WW is telling the truth she should have no objection to a polygraph.

Even if you want to recover, the minimum for recovery is the whole truth, which your gut is telling you that you don't have. Polygraph when she comes home, PI if you can afford.

posts: 1056   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8689120
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 4:03 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

ARE YOU NUTS?!?!?!?!

Your WW is literally making plans to go screw OM. And you are wondering if you should be allowing this? Seriously?

posts: 305   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8689131
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:56 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

Allow me to save you thousands of dollars on a PI and thousands of hours of sleepless nights.

Your wife is planning a trip to see her boyfriend for his birthday without you. There is no other reason. If there really out of town friends, that’s just a happy coincidence.

A woman who is committed to rebuilding her marriage wouldn’t even dream of putting you through that anxiety.

Do not mistake your wife’s unwillingness to lose her husband appliance for true love and commitment.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 510   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8689135
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 routerx (original poster new member #75569) posted at 8:36 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

Yes I have met her out of town friends before. They seemed normal and nice but it was a short meeting.

Someone asked how will I know. I have hired a PI. If they do their job I will know.

Someone asked what will I do if she cheats. It would end the marriage.

Someone asked what made me reconsider after leaving. Her desire for counseling and real conversations about the issues. I saw an effort being made and I saw the mental pain if my children and those combined were enough to come back.

There is a book called the body keeps the score and I’ve been wondering why I have been feeling off and stressed. It’s this trip.

Most of the responses have been very helpful and have given me much to think about.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2020
id 8689144
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 routerx (original poster new member #75569) posted at 8:43 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

FYI for those posting that I should save my money on a PI because she’s going to cheat. Well, that IS the reason I need a PI. “Likely" or "probably" isn’t good enough if/when I tell others and myself why the marriage is over.

[This message edited by routerx at 8:47 AM, Saturday, September 18th]

posts: 33   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2020
id 8689145
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 12:04 PM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

"Should I hire a PI?" is a question often asked.
Please help the next victim of infidelity by sharing the PI's report, including rates etc.

Under the circumstances, IMO the PI is a sound strategy. BS spouses have differing needs with respect to evidence.
The PI will likely provide you with the evidence you need one way or the other.

You are correct to be concerned. But your concern shouldn't be limited to just this OM.

Texting (including sexting) is addictive. Studies show that texting triggers the same feel good centers in the human brain as drugs and is therefore very addictive (including all the self destructive behavior that goes along with it).

Texting also triggers the same parts of the brain as face to face contact. Therefore, creating a false sense of familiarity (emotional connection) that escalates within days into inappropriate behavior.

And like any addict she will need incredibly strong willpower and rigid boundaries to avoid a relapse.

posts: 2422   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8689147
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