Newest Member: Armyman9196

Reconciliation :
Should I monitor her vacation?

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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:49 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

This choice she has made to go on a girls weekend to her APs city shows that you have in no way reconciled and she is not close to a safe partner. You could file for D just based on her not seeing that and not cancelling. The fact that she even considered it shows she does not care for the pain she caused you.

It will be interesting to see what the PI gets but even if he gets nothing you should know that this decision shows you have a partner who cares more about her own happiness than yours.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3203   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8689844
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:02 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

you have a partner who cares more about her own happiness than yours.


Maybe I'm just an asshole but I think everyone should care more about their own happiness than their partner's.

I'm not suggesting her decision isn't terrible. It clearly shows a lack of respect and remorse. I just think happiness prioritization isn't the most important thing happening here.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8689895
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 6:34 AM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

In a normal relationship sure. Although my wife and I consider each other’s happiness equal to our own as being partners for 30 years or more it pains me more when my wife is unhappy than when I am (we are not often unhappy).

But after infidelity, to me, for a very long time, I believe the WS should focus on ensuring their partners happiness first.

This is an overt action she’s taking which is absolutely tone deaf to the pain she caused him.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:34 AM, Friday, September 24th]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3203   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8689970
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iggyb ( new member #74562) posted at 9:31 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

Routerx

When does this trip take place?

God knows what you must be thinking at this time but you should do anything you feel pushes you forward and gives you piece of mind.

I am hoping that PI finds / sees nothing but I'm not sure that she Will ever do enough to convince you she is a safe partner.

Please share the P.I. reports, so many are dubious that P.I's are worthwhile so any advice is good advice.

Take care.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8690221
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StableLife ( new member #79236) posted at 4:32 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Routerx,

I'm hoping that the past 10 days have caused your wife to realize the pain she is causing you. I'm not holding out hope. Any progress in your journey? I agree with Iggyb about the timeline for the trip and how long you have to suffer in silence while she drags this out.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2021   ·   location: GA
id 8690439
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numb&dumb ( Guide #28542) posted at 9:12 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

How are you doing today Routerx?

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 4979   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8690499
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iggyb ( new member #74562) posted at 5:54 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Hope everything is OK Routerx?

posts: 26   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8690662
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StableLife ( new member #79236) posted at 3:44 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Checking in Routerx - It's been 3 weekends since your post. Curious if your wife traveled or if you had a breakthrough with her understanding why her trip was sketchy. If she traveled, did you get information that helped you decide on your future? Hope all is well.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2021   ·   location: GA
id 8692641
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EyesOpened50 ( member #54610) posted at 2:56 PM on Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

Hope you're doing alright - not easy when in this situation!!

posts: 64   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8693982
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 routerx (original poster new member #75569) posted at 8:56 PM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

Hi all,

Wife just got back from her trip. There is no doubt she did NOT meet up with this guy (or any man) during the trip.

Although the timing and place of her trip were horrible, I'm glad to report she didn't meet him. She could have easily done so and chose not to, so that's a great sign for our relationship.

One step at a time.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2020
id 8694397
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 9:20 PM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

Thanks for the positive update. I assume the PI you hired confirmed no meet up. Glad to hear it. You seem to see your WW taking steps to rebuild your trust. Does this reinforce what you see at home? You received lots of opinions that she would obviously cheat again. Yet she didn't. One step at a time. Yet she has to see how triggering and obtuse her picking this date and location to travel. She needs to work on empathy and being more aware. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:21 PM, Thursday, October 21st]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2830   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8694401
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 9:50 PM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

I’m so glad to hear that, hopefully you can get on the R road and move forward. She does need to understand your triggers and stay away from any appearance of inappropriate actions.

Thanks for coming back updating.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8694405
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ButAnyway ( new member #79085) posted at 10:00 PM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

She could have easily done so and chose not to, so that's a great sign for our relationship.


I disagree completely ... a "great sign" would have been if she possessed the self-awareness to have never even considered taking this trip in the first place. IMHO, you are in no better or worse position than you were when you first posted here.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8694408
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 11:29 PM on Thursday, October 21st, 2021

There is no doubt she did NOT meet up with this guy (or any man) during the trip.

Just to be clear you can't prove a negative. If she met up with this guy and you caught her that can be proven. That you didn't catch her, doesn't mean she didn't. You can't know for sure that she didn't slip the tail and met with him or another. Sneaking out the back door in the middle of the night into a taxi without her phone makes it possible to stray with little evidence left behind. You might have a higher level of confidence she didn't, but in no way does this rise to no doubt.

posts: 792   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8694427
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 routerx (original poster new member #75569) posted at 1:49 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Hi,

I won't go into specifics but I know for a fact she never met him. I had her entire trip monitored top to bottom and the stories she told me when she got home and the pictures she sent me via text matched exactly what she actually did.

I realize this was a low bar for her to clear, but she cleared it. She seems to be more sincere lately, telling me she loves me, and more. Is it all a ruse? Maybe, doubt it, but I would never end the relationship at this point.

Yes, I do see the sporadic comments saying I'm in no better position or there is no hope. I'm not looking to argue with anyone, but by that line of thinking, no relationship can survive infidelity, which I believe simply isn't true.

I see how happy my kids are with both parents home. Big difference. I get to see my kids every day.
I may even have a wife who now appreciates what she lost. That's worth not giving up and allowing my wife the opportunity to gain my trust back.

Thanks for all of the input and support.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2020
id 8694506
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StableLife ( new member #79236) posted at 4:11 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

Routerx, I'm with you. You got two data points from this trip. One is positive - she can behave in a trusting manner when you're apart. That's just a data point and it will take many more to rebuild your trust. But it's still one data point you didn't have before. The second point is that she isn't good at behaving in a manner as a safe partner. If that was her mindset, she would've put your discomfort as a priority. Ultimately, I think you need a lot more data points to understand if she is a safe partner who can be trusted and with whom reconciliation is possible/desirable. That said, I agree that you're not in the same place as before the trip because you have new information. Good luck to you.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2021   ·   location: GA
id 8694605
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 4:15 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

routerx, you said

She seems to be more sincere lately, telling me she loves me, and more. Is it all a ruse?

Is this "sincerity" borne out of regret, or remorse. Sounds like regret - the fact that she lacked empathy for you by scheduling a girls trip to the very city her AP lives is telling. Further, it sounds like she hasn't come clean on everything based on your sixth sense. Did you ever schedule a polygraph?

posts: 233   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8694611
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 5:06 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

routerx:

Keep on keepin on, and good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2830   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8694638
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 6:35 PM on Friday, October 22nd, 2021

OP - My apologies in advance if this has been covered in the past. Has your WW revealed why she had to go on this trip? Why is it so important for her to go instead of not going and gave you peace knowing the AP is in the same city? Just wondering her thought process. A truly remorseful WS would've thought about this and put you and your family first and not going on the trip will be best for all involved.

Good Luck.

posts: 164   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8694654
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svengundenblum ( new member #78794) posted at 12:37 PM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

Router, IF you are relying on the words of mutual friends, are they reliable? Are they really YOUR friends?

And, if relying on the words of a professional, are they reliable?

Words are just words, and you can't prove a negative.

Tread softly. Keep watching.

Run silent, run deep.

posts: 6   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8694762
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