Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
I guess I am officially second best / Plan B


 reddy (original poster New Member #79314) posted at 3:56 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I came across a notebook that my STBXW has been writing in that contained my name and her AP's name.

It is a side-by-side comparison between me and AP. Naturally he has more qualities than I do. She lists 12 things to my 6 or so. I'm better looking (so there's that at least lol). I cook, I clean, I "do whatever she wants" and I'm a good father. He has a manly job and wage, a manly truck, awesome sex, passionate, intense, etc. Sounds great doesn't it?

Perhaps I was once these things too, but after 16 years of marriage, I guess you get complacent. This speaks like the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. I'm just a librarian - former soldier, but whatever, a male librarian is, nonetheless a rare breed and I gather to her and her friends this means I'm gay, or something less-than.

Alongside that is some sappy teenage girl love poetry that she has written about him. About how he makes her feel alive, fills the void, but, won't let anyone in. She seems desperately to want him to enter into a relationship, but he is content with just sex and seems utterly uninterested in anything else.

So what does that make me? Officially second best, plan b, fallback guy? Feels like a stab into the heart. I have a feeling, well more than a feeling, that were he interested in a relationship she would be long gone already. But he's not, so she wants to work on us. There is no us left.

On top of this, she has me second guessing my interactions with the kids. She is jealous of them and the attention they get from me. In particular my daughter. But they are young (11, 8, 5). It's not like I always lavish attention on them: they TAKE the attention they want. They demand it. They're kids!

Just a rant, I guess.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2021
id 8687648

Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 4:09 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I’m sorry bro, but she is going to learn the hard way that blowing her family up like this for some dude that just wants sex is not worth it. I mean, any rational person would look at this scenario and say she’s making horrible choices.

Ironic that there was no mention of your kids in her Grade 8 level comparison between you and the AP.

When this guy sees she is way more invested in their “relationship”, he’ll toss her aside so fast and she’ll end up alone. Very sad, but you didn’t cause this.

posts: 719   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8687649

beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 4:17 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Once she realizes that the big truck can't provide for her then she'll know that those 12 physical aspects don't matter at all. She'll lose a million things in return to that 12 traits of her lover. Let her have his truck.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8687650

The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 4:17 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I am so sorry you had to read the contents of that notebook. It will always haunt you. No matter what your wife says or does - whether you D or reconcile. Those words and comparisons will be a constant reminder of how she felt at the time of the affair.

How do you plan to heal from this?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8687651

Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 5:07 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

So what is it that you are wanting brother?

Does she know that you are fully aware that you know that you are her meal ticket?

Manly job and manly truck? Sounds very insecure!

Get tested for the usual STDs and STIs.

Change the accounts and stop funding her A.

She has to be accountable for her actions.

Thank you for your service.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 5:08 AM, Thursday, September 9th]


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id 8687654

SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 5:31 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Make your own list of what you're looking for in a partner:

Honest, faithful, kind, honorable... how does your wife score on that list?

You wrote 'stbxw' so I reckon she's on her way out? Seriously man tell her Mr. Dreamboat can have her and she should get the fuck out.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8687658

Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 5:39 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

^^^^^ this!

posts: 719   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8687659

Tanner ( Member #72235) posted at 5:46 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

You are not second best. She is listing a bunch of bullshit for him and your 6 are pretty big items. Great father vs big truck. What collum has “willing to live with a cheater?” Neither!!

She is lost in la la land, 180 her ass.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8687661

The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:28 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I can tell you from experience (my H’s last affair) how your self esteem hits rockbottom from an affair. As the betrayed spouse you believe the affair partner (other man or other woman) is "better".

I was in my 50s and the OW was 30. That is what I was being kicked to the curb for — and it was devastating.

The one thing I learned was that my H’s opinion of me was not the most important. My opinion of myself was.

I flat out told my H that I was his 30 year relationship and I was not going to try to become a 30 year old. Believe it or not I was thinner and in better shape but he was looking at the "free and easy" lifestyle she had. No kids. No mortgage. No In-laws or real responsibility except a job. That was it.

I refused to compete to continue to be his wife.

On dday2 (because I had to find out the affair continued for months when he told me he ended it) I had enough and kicked him to the curb with full plans to D him.

In one move I restored my self esteem snd my power. I took back all of his resentment of me snd negativity and dismissed it.

Like you (after reading that notebook) I believed I was a terrible wife and was not "good enough". I believed his affair was my fault.

Until I woke up one day and realized he was a lying cheating jerk who would blame me for everything if he could get away with it.

So Reddy please don’t let a lying cheating jerk of a spouse dictate who you are. If anything — some people are only happy when they are abusing others or putting people down to build themselves up.

Funny thing is when I told my H to "get out and you are free to date anyone you wish" he suddenly wants to stay married and I’m the love of his life and it was all a huge mistake.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

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id 8687673

Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 11:56 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Affairs are primarily fantasy. And those attributes she's assigning value to are superficial as well as immature.

She hasn't lived the daily grind raising 3 kids with this guy. So she doesn't really know him as a life partner.

No spouse can compete with thrills & chill from another - nor should they have to. It's called protecting your marriage and spouse from a contest that they can't win.

Allowing someone to get inside her head is dangerous because: the OM's compliments (regardless of how insincere) trigger a chill that yours can't; and everything about him 'appears' to be more attractive. Again, it's a contest that NO spouse can win.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8687674

Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 11:59 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I recommend you both read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass

It's based on research of couples (good people) that experienced infidelity, how it happened, and what they can do to protect their marriage.

Human beings are hard wired to bond emotionally and physically with others ('just friends'). Therefore, a spouse has to protect their marriage with certain behavior/boundaries etc. Otherwise it's a slippery slope toward adultery.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8687677

Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 12:27 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

This the same woman that denied there was any sex?
Even allegedly passed a poly where she denied there was sex?
(I say allegedly because you have info on the poly from her – and based on what you share there is so much wrong with all aspects of that process).

Yet despite all that she has COMPARISON on how sex is so much better with OM? The sex she never had???

Well… IMHO the list has two big benefits for you:

It confirms what we all – you included – suspected. This is a full-blown physical affair.
It confirms what we have been trying to tell you: Your wife does not meet the requirements to reconcile.

The later statement could change, but to-date I really haven’t seen any reason for that to happen. Reality is what reality is…

If you remain the B option then look at the quote I have in my tag-line. It’s up to you to decide what you want and what you want to be.

On a side-note: Having 6 on your side and 12 on his has no relevance. It’s the VALUE of each that counts. Like if this was a list comparing two vehicles and one lists the carpets, the stereo, the red leather seats and the flashy exterior as the main benefits but the other list starts with that it ALWAYS starts and is reliable. If you are planning a road-trip the old reliable will get you a lot further than the red leather seats.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8687678

Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 1:24 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Holy freakin Moly! She actually wrote that, can read the list, and then pines for him over you??? What an adolescent. Jealous of you giving attention to the children? As a mother I overflowed with any attention my ex gave my son, any emotionally mature person would.

Sorry you married that.

posts: 621   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8687681

guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 1:32 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Sorry, but being second in a two-person comparison doesn't mean you're second best, it means you're last. This shows that others may be preferred in the future.

In a marriage, you should be the only one, not the #1 or the best.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8687682

guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 1:32 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

[This message edited by guvensiz at 7:32 AM, September 9th (Thursday)]

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id 8687683

Happenedtome2 ( Member #68906) posted at 1:38 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

The "STBXW" is the key. If you're moving forward with D then her opinion doesn't matter other than things pertaining to the kids and her getting the hell outta Dodge. Her schoolgirl list isn't going to mean a thing when she starts putting heat on big truck to let her come live with him and he ghosts her.

DDay August 2018
Not so sure about R at this time.
My original post :

posts: 447   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8687685

beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 1:55 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021


Don't worry. Once the dust settles she'll come back crawling to you and state all the good words you wanted to hear. She'll realize that your absence is the only thing that counts, it will be too late. You'll be the one that got away, the one true love, the best she ever had and every 'one' you can find in her good book. That 12 things won't count. The truck driver won't do the cooking, dishes and cleaning for her. He'll just be there for the sex and nothing more. I don't think he will take care of her the way you do.

He will take care of his truck more than your STBXW. That I'm very sure of.

Have you filed the D yet? Did she got served?

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8687687

13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 2:50 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

FFS, what is she? 12?

I'd be mighty tempted to make a copy of that list, then make my own list of pros and cons about STBXW, and tape them both to the bathroom mirror.


[This message edited by 13YearsR at 2:50 PM, Thursday, September 9th]

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 439   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8687701

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:24 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I urge you not to take her words into your heart.

She's entitled to her opinions and reasons. They're about her more than they're about you, in that they're about her preferences. You know she's fucked up big time. She thinks a truck has testosterone flowing in it, for crying out loud. smile

So ... you no longer match her preferences. Given her values, do you really want to match?.

Your STBXW is justifying herself by attacking her previous choice of partner. I urge you not to buy into her worldview. Be your own Plan A. Look for people who share your values.

Shirley Glass is a good read. I also recommend anything by Muriel James, especially Born to Win (Jongeward is co-author).

I cannot describe how much I rely on my public library. I cannot describe how much I relied on academic libraries when I was a student. Thank you for your service in the military, and a GIANT THANK YOU for your service as a librarian.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8687707

Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 4:04 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I have to echo what many of the others have already said. Her A and her opinions do not define you. YOU know what can of man you are. So do your children. Your STBXWW is a liar, a cheater, has low morals, selfish, untrustworthy,...I could go on.

I'm not sure that I stereotype a librarian, but I have to tell you, it is a job I think I would love. I love books and enjoy the library. I can't say I know of any negative stereotypes for that position. As a former soldier, I imagine you have been tested in many ways your WW cannot imagine, and you passed them.

On a side note, thank you for your service.

I have to agree with those who said to kick her to the curb. You deserve much better.

posts: 1512   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8687715
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