Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Lost my job and wh is pissed

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 Elle2 (original poster Member #64338) posted at 3:25 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

we have been talking about selling our house for a few months now. We actually have it planned to go on the market 9/1. I recently, within the last 3 weeks have discovered that my last job that survived covid (I had 3 work from home jobs prior) is now being slowly shut down. I told my husband and he is PISSED that now we HAVE to sell the house. This job was my money maker and full income source. I'm getting let go, and my husband is MAD AT ME BECAUSE I CANT AFFORD THE MORTGAGE ANYMORE. I asked him why it matters? We were planning on selling anyways, the reason has changed, maybe, but we still are not at the point of HAVING to sell. But I want to anyways. I'm over this house. We lost a child here, I discovered his A here, we were actually fighting about the girl that ended up being his girlfriend when we first toured the house. It's a damn house. I can't help that I'm losing my last job. I mean...shit ....I had 3 and they all are gone because of covid. And he is making me feel like total shit about it. It's definitely a new low. Unless I'm in the wrong somehow??

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 235   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8686363
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 3:30 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Yeah you're in the wrong. Wrong husband.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4451   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8686365
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 Elle2 (original poster Member #64338) posted at 3:44 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

I'm getting more and more upset/anxious/panic attacky thinking about this. "For richer or poorer" goes both ways. I just feel like crap right now. I busted my butt for all those jobs. And now I'm jobless. I feel like a total failure.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 235   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8686367
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TruthIsPower ( Member #75776) posted at 4:27 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Elle2, (((())))!

You had no problem to find 3 previous jobs, and then this one. The other one is just waiting around the corner. The job market is good right now. Believe in yourself. In the meantime, there is unemployment comp. The peace comes with acceptance.

Could be that this job loss will make you act on selling the house. Looks like you want this house to go, so this job loss can be a sign for you to act on your decision. Looks like this house is full of negative memories and energies. You want to let it go. And then new horizons will open up brighter and way better. Could be the right time to let it go.

Do what you need to do, don't pay attention to your WH's bitterness.

Good Luck to you and may something really positive come out of this!

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 95   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8686370
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:09 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Your H is completely out of line here.

Instead of being supportive he’s being selfish. Just like with his affair.

I guess he hasn’t really learned anything over these past few years. You have suffered some serious traumas but he’s just so wrapped up on "why" you are selling the house that he cannot do anything other than be angry.

It could be that he has fear about this situation snd it comes out as him bring angry. If that is the case then he needs to learn how to deal with his fears and anxiety.

You are a strong person. I hope your H sees that.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10526   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8686394
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:28 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

I went through some of your older posts and threads…
You have something like 8-9 threads in the Reconciliation forum, and frankly most of them reflect your doubts about the marriage or – at best – YOUR efforts in reconciling and how your husband undermines those efforts.
This last post – his reaction to the trauma of you losing your job – is probably reflective of what you have shared about your husbands responses and efforts…

Reconciliation isn’t one-way. It’s not you reconciling to a bad marriage. I see R as the path and the effort to create a GOOD marriage. That can’t be done one-sided. It needs two…

MAYBE – just maybe – selling the house now is the right time. But maybe the solution isn’t that you two buy one place to live in…
We are big in the JFO forum on that you need to be willing to lose your marriage to possibly save it. I think that applies too here in the Reconciliation forum. Especially when it’s as one-sided as in your case.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8686397
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 3:08 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

I'm with TruthisPower here--those 'negative' feelings may very well be positive ones in disguise. You are obviously marketable, as you have had multiple jobs. I didn't see any posts about you losing any of these jobs to incompetence......

As for your WH, I'm with Bigger on this--Reconciliation isn't just about staying married. It's two committed partners working as a team to have, and enjoy, a strong, healthy relationship. Do you see that as a real possibility with some work, and not just wishful thinking?

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8686415
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HeartFullOfHoles ( Member #42874) posted at 3:42 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

So sorry you are experiencing this. Nothing like getting kicked when you are down! Like others have said, just his selfish side showing. When it should be how can we work this out until you find a new job? All you feel is him trying to push shame onto you. Do not allow this! As a minimum you need to have a serious conversation about this unacceptable behavior.

I lost my job in the middle of my divorce and my now exWW was also pissed at me. Of course she could not be bothered with actually getting a job herself. She continued to accuse me of doing it on purpose even after all appropriate documentation was submitted to the attorneys that showed otherwise.

Good luck finding new employment.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8686427
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 Elle2 (original poster Member #64338) posted at 4:44 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Hey guys...my quote function isnt working so i appologize for the bulk replies.
As far as the negative turning to a positive for selling the house, i totally think it is for me. My husband thinks this reflects poorly on him. He thought this would be a our forever home. I on the other hand, am not attached to walls and floors. My family are what make a home for me. By selling our house (and moving in with my mom) I am going to go back to school and get my masters. The difficult part with finding another job is that my previous jobs were all work from home which allowed us to keep the kids out of daycare and after care. There are no jobs around here hiring that would pay me near enough to afford my bills and daycare/aftercare. My husband is mad at me for "putting all my eggs in one basket" with this last job. I have no idea how that even makes sense to him. It was my full time job. Its the equivalent of him putting all his eggs in one basket with his current job. If he had come to me and said "babe, i just found out they are shutting the branch down and Ill be out of a job in a month", I would be 100% supportive. I would tell him its fine we will figure it all out and start making plans. Not making him feel like crap and blaming him for having to sell the house.
R is so hard with him because its extreme highs and lows. We went camping for a night this weekend for his bday and it was great. And then we had some friends over yesterday and it was great, then last night I brought up needing to really get a plan in place for moving because I had just gotten an email that my job was slowly being downsized and I didnt have much longer left. Its like a flip switched. He got instantaneously mad and went off. He slept on the couch, he hasnt spoken to me today. I texted him because our realtor reached out and he brushed me off. Told me he didnt give an eff and that he was at work and couldnt do anything to help. I need to make a list and he will do what he can when he can. I dont know what to do. This is a huge task and should definitely not be something im doing alone. We are also getting new windows installed which is is pissed about. We cant get the money back. We used our savings to do it several months ago before we knew anything about my job. Im not worried. I know we will make a good amount on our house, save at my moms, ill get my masters and be able to get started on my career ive been slowly working towards for years. All our debt will be paid off. But he thinks he needs to have this house to prove something to someone.

Me: BW
WH had an EA for over a year with cow. Sexting anytime he wanted (his words).
DDay June 25 2018

posts: 235   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2018
id 8686436
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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 4:45 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

I think losing your job is a blessing in disguise.

It's made it plainly clear that you don't actually have a husband; you have a disrespectful roommate and tenant.

Sell the house and move on with your life... separate from him.

edit to add:

"R is so hard with him because its extreme highs and lows. We went camping for a night this weekend for his bday and it was great. And then we had some friends over yesterday and it was great, then last night I brought up needing to really get a plan in place for moving because I had just gotten an email that my job was slowly being downsized and I didnt have much longer left. Its like a flip switched."

The measure of a marriage (generally) and reconciliation in particular isn't how well things are going when they're good but how well you can manage difficulties as a couple when things go wrong. The fact that he is perfectly fine as long as things are going his way means that he is not a safe partner and your marriage is not going to be sustainable in the long term.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:50 PM, Tuesday, August 31st]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8686439
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 5:58 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

It sounds like he has a lot of work to do to learn to manage his emotions without doing stupid crap like having affairs or blowing up at you when he's stressed out.

And you have some work to do on why you're accepting poor treatment from him.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8686462
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 6:28 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

I am so glad that y'all are moving in with your mom and that you're getting your masters. This will open up a whole new world for you no matter which path you take in your M.

Perhaps that's your H's "problem" - he feels like he's losing some control over you?

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8627   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8686466
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 10:56 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

I agree that moving in with your Mom is a good thing. And getting your Masters? A big plus! But your WH sounds quite immature and needs to work on anger management. Life has a way of piling on, and as an adult he has to be able to handle the ups and downs on the steady. Life isn’t fair, then you die. He needs to grow up IMHO. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2794   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8686533
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 7:19 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

Oh honey.... a spouse that gets mad at you because you lost your job of no fault of your own????
Yah no one needs a partner like that. No ONE.
Go to your moms. Get your Masters.
Consider what you really want and need in your life. It's a good time to re-evaluate where you want to be in a year, and in 5 years, and so forth. It is time to decide if you deserve a partner that will support you, and be your soft place to fall when the shit hits the fan.
Anything less is unacceptable to me.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18932   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8686647
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:08 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

You don’t need to be in a relationship with anyone who stops your growth or is not supportive.

Some people act like that out of fear and insecurity. Some people act like that out of jealousy. Others are just plain control freaks snd if ain’t their idea it’s not going to work and they will never be on board.

Whatever it is……it’s not you. Follow your dreams. It’s a great path to be on.

And your cranky WH can choose to get off the path whenever he chooses just like hr can choose to embrace the path you are on. He’s welcome — but he needs to lose his attitude.

It doesn’t matter why you sell your house. It seems like it was always a plan. It just wasn’t his idea to do it now. Boo freakin’ hoo!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10526   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8686748
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:09 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Losing a job is a big blow to one's self-esteem even with a supportive partner, and I think a lot of your pain is due to just your job loss.

I agree that your H is way out of line. Is this the nail in the coffin of your M?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26008   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8686794
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humantrampoline ( Member #61458) posted at 5:14 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

I'm sorry. tushnurse is right. Your WH is not supportive or your life partner. What happens if, God forbid, you become injured or ill and can not work at all? Do you think he'll suddenly become supportive? It doesn't sound like he is fully capable of being a partner or husband right now.

posts: 389   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2017
id 8686818
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HUM1021 ( Member #6222) posted at 10:09 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Sad to hear this, Elle.

Me: BS 34
Her: WS 33
M 5 years
dday with 1st OM 4/30/04 EA/PA
dday with 2nd OM 12/11/04 EA/PA
on the reconciliation rollercoaster

posts: 812   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2005   ·   location: Colorado
id 8688191
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