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How to stay in a relationship when she has feelings for her AP

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 p12241342 (original poster New Member #79267) posted at 3:51 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Hello

My wife who had an affair has been lying to me for weeks since discovery

She promise me that when she disclosed her affair she would be honest and never lie again. I have had a feeling that even though her affair only last 7 week she missed het affair partner, she thought about him and she still has feelings for him. She would promise me many times daily this wasnt the case.

However 3 months later she has now confessed and said she does have feelings for him but she doesnt want to be with hi, She said she misses him and thinks about what they had together But she wants me and our family.

She said the feelings are just concerning what they shed together and how he made her feel.

The question I have got is how can I go home every night thinking that we should be putting all the effort into fixing what we have when she is just thinking about what they had.

She should have drawn a line under it and tried to put it to the back of her mind but she hasn't and they are still there 3 months later

posts: 15   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8684902
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numb&dumb ( Guide #28542) posted at 4:04 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

I am sorry. Finding out your spouse has feelings for someone else is soul crushing.

Not saying it is ok, but, sadly, is somewhat common.

I think that giving each other space to work on yourselves is probably the best thing right now. I think an IC might help you sort these feelings out. Mourn the loss of the marriage you had before tryibg to build a new one.

I think the risk here is for your wife to find out that one day your feeling for her have changed and it will be twice as hard to build a new M from her side. That being said there is not any reason you are required to R. If this on top of the A is too much then no one would blame you for ending the M.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 4967   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8684905
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 p12241342 (original poster New Member #79267) posted at 4:08 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Thank you for your reply and input

I love my wife and we have two children. I dont really want to walk away and thats why im trying to find it inside me to get past this

I knew she would be thinking of him and missing him. But its the part where she says she has feelings for him. Isn't that love. Doesnt that mean love.

She says she doesnt love him and doesnt want to be with him but how can I believe this

Is this something that just comes from having an affair or should I be looking more into this than its just something shit that happens from an affair

posts: 15   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8684906
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MorbidCuriosity ( New Member #74928) posted at 4:35 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

If it were me. I will completely cut her off completely separate for a long period of time. Then judge her on her actions.

What do you think her actions should be (generally) if she is truly in love with you. When nothing is at stake, will she still choose you when she is granted the freedom to choose whomever she wants? Will she fk around with the AP or will she still be contrite and work on herself for herself AND FOR YOU.

Of course there is a risk of her not choosing you but would you not rather know? Heck that is why you asked in the first place innit?

You have to be willing to walk away in order to do so. You cant let someone chase you or love you if you are not creating space to allow for the chase or for the love dont you?

posts: 49   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2020
id 8684913
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numb&dumb ( Guide #28542) posted at 4:48 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Do I think she loves him ? No. She is in love with the contrived version of what she told herself in her head. She needs to pickthat apart with an IC, not you. You should get some distance from her to explore your own feelings about it.

She has basically told you she loves you, but isn't in love with you. Besides her version of love is not exactly healthy, right. She is broken and needs to fix herself before you make any judgements. She needs to understand the severity and that people divorce everyday for much less.

Don't confuse familiar with safe love. It is definately not the same thing.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 4967   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8684919
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WishidleftHer ( New Member #78703) posted at 4:49 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

It took my fww over three months to realize that it was all over and the AP had just been using her. It was when she found out that he wasn't going to leave his pregnant wife and three kids. Which I'd been there to see her face, but she was 3000 miles away at her parents house.

[This message edited by WishidleftHer at 5:21 PM, Monday, August 23rd]

posts: 8   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Upstate NY
id 8684920
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 5:32 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

She should have drawn a line under it and tried to put it to the back of her mind but she hasn't and they are still there 3 months later

You hit the nail on the head. This is what should have occurred. But it didn’t. Because she’s wrapped up in the Affair fog. Google it - it’s the "fantasy" of the affair. It’s not real. It is what the cheaters convince themselves is "true love" blah blah blah 😕.

I was in your shoes. My H was convinced the OW was the answer to his unhappiness and mid life crisis. After 25 years of a good marriage he was D me (unbeknownst to me).

Unfortunately my H re-started the affair and the hell I lived in was horrific. I had no idea he was still cheating (it was very well hidden) but I can tell you he came first - his selfishness and general crappy attitude and choices ruled my life for too long (6 months).

At Dday 2 I snapped. Had enough. Told him I was D him and he had to get out.

I did the hard 180 and barely spoke to him for many many months. He realized what he had done and was tremendously remorseful and sorry. He made some big changes.

I can tell you that you will never get her to "love you" while she is still in the affair fog. I suggest the strong 180 - and a definite time frame for you. If she doesn’t change snd start to make amends, you need to consider your next step.

Because if you allow her to control the timeline snd how R will go, you will be in for a long unhappy life. There is a strong chance she will continue her poor choices and "pining" for this OM as long as she is allowed to.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10512   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8684923
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 6:43 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

However 3 months later she has now confessed and said she does have feelings for him but she doesnt want to be with hi, She said she misses him and thinks about what they had together But she wants me and our family.


She's got you by the balls there mate.

Pining for her boyfriend but keeping you full of hopium.

She's a clever lass, or at least she's knows which of your buttons to push.

Right now you're fucked. Suggest you put a time limit on this, keep it to yourself even. That can help keep your spirits up so things won't seem so hopeless, there's an end date not endless pain e.g. don't be in this same spot 12 months from now.

posts: 342   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8684935
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 6:45 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Who was the OM? How did they meet? Are they in contact (even just through social media or across a crowded room)?

What exactly did they share together?

Experience has taught us that affairs are typically based on fantasy.

She hasn't been in the daily grind of living with him and raising kids. Therefore, she doesn't really know this guy.

How she felt and even what she thinks they 'shared' is what she had to work hard to make herself believe - however, it's based on fantasy in her head (not reality).

In time as she transitions towards being a safe partner, she will realize it (and disgust should replace those feelings).

You're fortunate that she shares what's going on inside her head - because it's evidence that she has a long way to go before becoming a safe marriage partner.

In the interim, you both need to fix yourselves (you from the trauma of infidelity) before you can address marriage issues.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8684936
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 7:25 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

How he made her feel is the jist of it.

The affair is like a drug. Being high isn't being happy. Being in limerance isn't being in love. They had nothing.

My wife pined for AP for a couple months (I think her being honest about it rather than saying something else helped build trust and see the difference as it came about). 1.5 years later she doesn't have positive feelings for him. She thinks of him as someone that helped her wreck her marriage, not an object of affection.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1326   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8684941
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 7:37 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

She should have drawn a line under it and tried to put it to the back of her mind

Exactly.


If your daughter hadn’t freaked out, would your wife still be with you? IIRC she wanted to leave until that happened. And she said you don’t make her happy but he does/did. And said she’s tired of going over the affair.

What is your wife doing in terms of reconciliation? You want to stay b/c you love her & for your kids. Why does she, honestly? She lied about her feelings for him, told him she loved him. I’m afraid of an inevitability here that’s going to leave you heartbroken.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 183   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8684945
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 7:45 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

How he made her feel is the jist of it.

The affair is like a drug. Being high isn't being happy. Being in limerance isn't being in love. They had nothing.

My wife pined for AP for a couple months (I think her being honest about it rather than saying something else helped build trust and see the difference as it came about). 1.5 years later she doesn't have positive feelings for him. She thinks of him as someone that helped her wreck her marriage, not an object of affection.

I second this wholeheartedly. We had the same experience.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8684946
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 9:08 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Imagine YOU cheated on your wife. Imagine you just got totally busted and life, as you knew it, was on a precipice. Imagine-if you must, that you were/are in love with HER-not your AP, and never wanted to leave her, just made a terrible mistake that you regret, and you could never imagine being married to anyone else, and that the feelings you had for your AP were nothing compared to the feelings you have for your BS, and you wanted to desperately save your marriage and make things right.

If I cheated on someone I truly love and truly feared losing them, and the prospect of losing them was very real-like immanent, I would be in a panic. I would be obsessed with saving the marriage. My mind would be singularly focused and obsessively determined to save the marriage. The fear, anxiety, obsession and preoccupation to save the most important thing in my life would overwhelm-overshadow, drown out any residual sentimental feelings I had for my AP.

The fact that she's still able to entertain these emotions tells me that, she has not put them in the proper context or, that she does not fear losing you or, she doesn't believe she WILL actually lose you. Or, she's still emotionally conflicted.

My ExWW was not emotionally attached to her AP. She was attracted to the feelings of being desired by a younger man and the ego kibbles. I found no evidence of her reminiscing, pining, missing, or wondering about him. He was a player. His exit after DD was pretty F'd up, discarded her like trash. She hates him. So, I never had to contend with the "Affair Fog". Even without the emotional component of her A, without having to deal with any fog or luuuve, reconciliation was still VERY difficult and ultimately failed. If my WW was still in an A-Fog, had residual feelings for her AP, loved the AP, missed the AP...I would have absolutely never tried to R. I would have f'ing walked.

I want to be married to someone who's truly in love with me. Who wants me above all others, will forsake all others. Stand by me when things get tough-forever and a day. Call me a hopeless romantic but, I believe this is the kind of love Marriage is reserved for, nothing less. When they think about cheating on you, that's strike one. When they cheat on you, that's strike two. When they miss their AP, strike three YOU"RE OUT! That is proof positive that you are NOT 'The One' for them. You're just a concession. It's not true love. It's something less.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:23 PM, Monday, August 23rd]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8684968
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Omnipicus ( New Member #79316) posted at 9:37 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Just went through with my wife though hers was only 3 weeks but my counselor said something interesting:

They don’t miss the AP. They miss the feelings. No responsibility. No bills. No kids. The AP always at their best.

Your spouse need to realize that was an illusion

posts: 4   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2021
id 8684974
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 9:52 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Just went through with my wife though hers was only 3 weeks but my counselor said something interesting:

They don’t miss the AP. They miss the feelings. No responsibility. No bills. No kids. The AP always at their best.

Your spouse need to realize that was an illusion

YES.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8684977
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 9:56 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Imagine YOU cheated on your wife. Imagine you just got totally busted and life, as you knew it, was on a precipice. Imagine-if you must, that you were/are in love with HER-not your AP, and never wanted to leave her, just made a terrible mistake that you regret, and you could never imagine being married to anyone else, and that the feelings you had for your AP were nothing compared to the feelings you have for your BS, and you wanted to desperately save your marriage and make things right.

If I cheated on someone I truly love and truly feared losing them, and the prospect of losing them was very real-like immanent, I would be in a panic. I would be obsessed with saving the marriage. My mind would be singularly focused and obsessively determined to save the marriage. The fear, anxiety, obsession and preoccupation to save the most important thing in my life would overwhelm-overshadow, drown out any residual sentimental feelings I had for my AP.

One of the things that I learned on DDay was that everything that I thought I would do when faced with infidelity was not what I actually DID. NO ONE has any idea what they'll do or how they'll feel or think until they're wearing the shoes. Have you been a WS? If not, you're just hypothesizing.

Personally, and this is from experience, I think it's quite promising that the WS in this case is sharing her feelings with her BS. Transparency and authenticity is paramount to recovery.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 10:00 PM, Monday, August 23rd]

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8684981
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 10:07 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Definitely she still has strong feelings towards her AP. The phrase she's saying to you is ILYBINILWY - I love you but I'm not in love with you. It means that she has still residual love for you, maybe because of your marriage and the kids but definitely she's in love with her AP. You give her the safe comfort of home, her lover gives her the thrills of having a brand new sex with a new and fresher lover. It's a hard pill to swallow but she's in love with her AP - you're her second choice.

Right now, she's deciding to stay with her second choice. Maybe she's telling the truth about not contacting with her AP but you never know. She lied to you for a long time, what makes you think she's telling the truth now? Some affairs survive even after being found out. They have either established means to communicate i.e. burner phones and other secret communication devices. Some other affairs already have a established dates for meetups even if they don't have communication devices - old school calendar. Even if they don't have communication devices, they already have a set of calendar and places to meet up.

What you need is have yourself STD tested. Ask for her written timeline about her affair to be verified against a polygraph test.

All the best!

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8684985
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hcsv ( Member #51813) posted at 10:13 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

This was the deal breaker for me. I asked ex to go NC with AP. He said she was his friend and always would be.

I was done. I was not going to be the third person in my own marriage of 35 years. And I knew that if (when) her third marriage fell apart, ex would be gone.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 647   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8684986
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 10:30 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

One of the things that I learned on DDay was that everything that I thought I would do when faced with infidelity was not what I actually DID. NO ONE has any idea what they'll do or how they'll feel or think until they're wearing the shoes. Have you been a WS? If not, you're just hypothesizing.

I don't think I'm hypothesizing how I 'currently' feel about my spouse. If I somehow F-'d up and cheated on her, the adrenaline and humiliation of DD, the prospect of losing my true love, my family, friends and half of all my shit would absolutely burst any illusive Affair Bubble right to hell. Reality would step in and take over. My affair would be revealed for what it actually was-a big F-Up. Not romantic. Nothing special. Just pathetic.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:00 PM, Monday, August 23rd]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8684988
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 10:35 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

I don't think I'm hypothesizing how I 'currently' feel about my spouse. If I somehow F-'d up and cheated on her, the adrenaline and humiliation of DD, the prospect of losing my true love, my family, friends and half of all my shit would absolutely burst any Illusive Affair Bubble right to hell. Reality would step in and take over.

You're quite well-versed on the topic of infidelity now and you're coming from the mindset of an experienced BS, not a newb WS. It's VERY different.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8684992
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